One thing that has to be taken care of...PARAGRAPHS. Seriously, reading this takes immense concentration, and will put most people off (only the truly desperate, like me, would continue reading). Start a new paragraph as you change subject. Also start a new paragraph when someone talks.
Maybe its the formatting, but the story seems incredibly fast-paced. Take time to use different adjectives and develop the plot and the characters. Also, there are quite a lot of spelling mistakes.
But hey! It's very interesting and unique. .