This Story Gets A Perfect 6 Out Of 6 Sage Level Rank

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So is Yachma now a Saiyan or can become a Super Saiyan eventually, because of the fusion of the Saiyan dna? I can see this being apart of your story. :P

Ello!

I've just finished reading your story, and I would like to applaud you for wanting to put some of the underused and underloved characters in the spotlight. This is always a nice thing to see, and it couldn't happen often enough as far as I'm concerned.

I'd like to give you some constructive criticism on how to improve your writing, if that's okay with you. I don't usually write long comments like this, but I'm hoping that this will help you in the future. I hope it doesn't sound harsh in certain spots. :)

Firstly, it would be a good idea to invest a bit more time in spell checking and correcting grammar before posting a story.

Secondly, your seem to break the fourth wall a lot during your story by addressing the reader directly. I don't just mean the author notes that are sometimes inserted in the middle of the action, but also things like that part where Yamcha doesn't trash talk with Slug and you say something along the lines of "and if you know Yamcha, you know that means he's really mad." Don't do that. If you really want to point that out to your reader, you can use other tools, like having another character notice it:

' "What, no banter?" Krillin mumbled while eyeing his scarred friend. "Who are you, and what have you done with my friend?" '

Or by using introspection, like this:

'Yamcha's eyes narrowed, and the corners of his mouth pulled down sternly. Normally he loved this part. He considered himself the uncrowned king of pre-combat banter. But today was not normal. "Words do not win battles." Slug simply grinned in response.'

It gets the point across, and sets the mood at the same time.

Thirdly, describe things, people and actions properly. In one chapter you describe someone's hand gestures to be similar to what another character usually does in Naruto. While a lot of DBZ fans probably know Naruto, many others don't. You must assume that people don't know these things, so don't ever reference anything from another series. Period. You're writing a DBZ story, so you can really only afford to make comparisons between things that exist in the same universe. That's why you can say something like:

'Yamcha crouched down low, placing most of his weight on his back leg. His left arm was extended and his fingers were clawed. His right fist was tucked close to his side. It was a perfect blend between his old Wolf Fang stance and the Turtle style.'

Here you have both a description, and a comparison of things that both exist in the DBZ world. This works perfectly fine in a DBZ story.

By contrast, this doesn't work:

'He smiled and made that head gesture that Teal'c always makes in Stargate SG1. Then he grinned goofily like that one guy from Friends.'

I wrote that, and even I don't know how to picture that. ;P

As a last note on the descriptions point: if you don't know what to call something, just describe it instead of making up a term. I don't know what Krillin's "kind of like a horse-riding stance" is called either. So just have him crouch down, with his fists balled at his side and mention that it was his preferred ready stance.

Fourthly, adjectives. You have very many of them, and unfortunately they take a lot of the drama and dynamics out of your story. Try to replace them with descriptions and verbs. Compare these two scenes:

Number 1.

'Slug stepped forward menacingly. "What did you just say to me?" he questioned threateningly, and he sneered viciously so that Yamcha could see his sparkling, sharp teeth.'

Number 2.

'Slug's eyes seemed to darken, as all of his previous humour drained from his face. He took one single step towards the other fighter. This simple act alone, while keeping those terrible eyes locked on the human warrior, was enough to make Yamcha's skin crawl and send a shiver up his spine. He swallowed hard and struggled to keep his face from betraying his emotions, or his legs from stumbling backwards. Yamcha wondered why the world around him suddenly seemed so hushed.

"What did you just say to me?" Slug asked. Even he sounded too quiet, calm even. But as he spoke his lips pulled back in a sneer that revealed his long, yellow-white fangs. Yamcha responded unconsciously with a soundless snarl of his own.'

Note that scene 2 still has adjectives, but they are used less often and interspersed with descriptions and strong verbs, and with an added bonus: we see their effects on our protagonist. We still get that Slug is menacing, that he speaks in a threatening tone, and that he shows his teeth to be vicious. But these scenes are now shown to the reader, instead of that we just read about them. Show, don't tell. :)

Sometimes you use adjectives where they are redundant, and we get things like this:

' "Well, I could use a sweater," he joked sarcastically.'

In the context of the story, the reader may already understand that the line is meant as a joke. By adding 'he joked', you make this a certainty. By adding 'sarcastically', you're just rubbing it in now. Your readers are (presumably) not stupid, so you don't need to point out three times in the same sentence that the character is joking.

And finally, there's the general plot. I think that pitching Yamcha against Slug was a great idea, but the execution was a bit lacklustre. This is because it is an almost exact copy of the film's plot, except with other characters. This doesn't work well for various reasons.

First of all, assume that your readers have already seen the movie. They will not really be interested in reading about it again, when the plot is basically the same. They already know how it's going to end.

Second, you have the characters act almost exactly the same way as the characters they've replaced. This doesn't always work. Each character has their own personality, strengths and weaknesses, attack strategies, etc. For example, Chiaotzu in Gohan's role would probably behave very differently than Gohan. Chiaotzu is much less independent than Gohan and also not as smart. However, as a fighter he has more experience. He uses different techniques, and he also has very potent psychic abilities which make him very dangerous to an unsuspecting opponent even if they are stronger than him. That right there is a recipe for a very different fight than what Gohan would offer. It's the same for many of the other characters too, and BECAUSE they are different from the original characters that starred in this film, and BECAUSE they would act differently, you had the perfect opportunity to go off-script and make something entirely different happen here.

So unfortunately it's a bit of a missed opportunity. Also, as a side-note (and this is just my personal opinion), I think that turning Yamcha into some kind of Saiyan hybrid wasn't really necessary to make him the hero of this story. While it doesn't really show much in DBZ, the human fighters actually stand out for their superior techniques and ability to pick up or create new tricks very fast (which is why it's so strange that they never picked up the Kaioken in canon). This trait could have been used in this story to give the good guys their victory in the end, but that's just my opinion.

Overall though, this was not a bad attempt. And like I said, I like that you're willing to work with these usually unappreciated characters. Keep it up. :)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The kaio Ken have nothing to do sith DNA.

Yamcha is a Lycan/Werewolf!

He even scared me! Good details!

Hell yeah! Yamcha is back!

THAT IS COOL.

Going great so far