int

Oh goodness, I thought it was something else! I was cracking up. Turns out, it was just some childhood nostalgia-inducing vids, lol.

Yes! I was so excited when I found out there was a second chapter! Now...to wait for the third one, hehehe...

Naoto's so likable and cute here! Usually she's too meek when she's not being so calculating (calculating not in the negative sense). I find her interactions with Yu and the others to be very funny, and the dialogue is really nice too.

Naoto's really sweet, and I like how you really show that. It'd be interesting to see things from Yu's point of view. I mean, it does make me wonder how he sees Naoto when he has Chie, Yukiko, and Rise (all popular in their own ways) by his side.

First off, I absolutely love Catherine (well, both Catherine and Katherine to be specific), so it came as a pleasant surprise when I realized that the voice actress for C and K was the same as the one for Rise.

Second, you totally threw me for a loop when it was revealed that the Dojima you were writing about turned out to be Nanako! It was actually kind of cool :)

Naoto looked pretty hot on the cover of Detective Naoto! I'm glad that you referred to her more developed form after the Inaba incidents because hardly any other works do. I really liked her character design. It was really cool.

It just makes me super happy to know that she married Yu here! 3

To be honest, I thought that this was a linear work rather than a collection of one-shots (guess I didn't read the summary through, eh?). I think it'd be really awesome if you wrote a linear multi-chapter story branching from the first chapter of this collection. It'd be great!

lol, Mara xD

This seems so cool and interesting! I really like how relaxed Naoto and Yu's relationship is, and I absolutely love how they're already in a relationship. The pacing seems good too. I look forward to reading more.

I couldn't stop laughing at the reactions of the others xD

Aw, you tricked me!

Bravo, simply bravo! I cannot wait for more!

Yours,
Mewtwo

Yu is so hilarious. He's just like me when I managed to catch up to a childhood show that everyone loved as a kid but never discovered until now.

Chapter 6
wild cards journey
[card’s]

why can see what Yu sees
[can I see? I’m not actually positive what this sentence is supposed to say/focus on]

I was oblivious to it
[All implication was that they were so totally aware of it, from her perspective it did not exist and she should say ‘where did this come from’ instead of ‘why didn’t I see it before’]

so strong as to pass along the power of the wild card
[Warning: I sense Mary Sue-ism approaching. I also want to note I didn’t think 3 The Answer really earned its keep any more than 4 Gold did, both felt tacked on and shallow. I’ll not dispute whether it’s canon, but your reasoning is flawed because the only thing they conclusively say is that it’s *Aigis*, her power and her feelings (and being distinct from the others to start with) that inherited the wild card, if it was Minato sending it to her could’ve been Yukari, Mitsuru, or Fuuka (or Chihiro, Yuko…)]

the one you know as Aegis
[When did you ever state that any of them know Aigis?]

other bizarre ritual,"
[ritual?”]

you not agree,"
[agree?”]

provided of course you are powerful enough to wield them
[I think the PC level only limits the fusions, I know that it doesn’t stop you from whipping out Loki in the first fight of a New Game Plus as I’ve done so]

loop as well,"
[well?” – also, props for remembering this particular conundrum. I’d have found it more interesting if the time/mind loop was based on the Wild Card (which they’re implied to potentially have) and now it’s three (or four) loose canons running around]

that is funny. No wonder you enjoy being such a jerk sometimes
[Nah, that’s Shepard]

I was although
[A sentence break looks like it should’ve gone after ‘was’]

it really was just intended as a one shot
[I thought it could’ve worked as either, but I think that if you’re going to have a connected story then it would best be in its own rather than sprinkled with unrelated one-shots]

Chapter 7
body stiffened nervously
[I can’t think of a way that the body can stiffen relaxedly, so ‘nervous’ isn’t needed]

but not was Yu's luck that day
[I’ve heard ‘such was not’ or ‘it was not’, but never ‘not was’]

she was willing to bet that Yu would never let her fall
[Yu and me is definitely different…]

Because I was a seven year old girl once
[And of course all seven year old girls like the same things]

I’m honestly unsure of what the intention of this story is. The writing in each individual bit is okay (a little biased to Naoto, but I sense you’re a Templar of the True Fiancee), but I think that it would be better if you split it into “Naoto and Yu start a new game plus” and “unrelated one-shots” into different stories so you don’t have random scattering which weakens both.

her companions ever
[companion’s]

once more this time
[more,]

Also you're grandfather
[Also, your]

She had just poured
[Passive – ‘had’ is not often a needed word, here adding nothing to the sentence]

stunts ones growth
[one’s]

make a detectives career
[detective’s career,]

he shuddered
[she]

You don't have to prove yourself
[I thought part of her conflict was proving herself to her family]

She had managed
[Passive – this is a problem that repeats a number of times and you might want to search for ‘had’s in your story, because the majority of them complicate or slow down the flow]

it inside and out to where
[A sentence break would help the run-on sentence, especially as they’re each their own idea]

been incline to
[inclined]

She would be keeping an eye on him
[Technically telling, but I think it’s quick and effective foreshadowing, especially without shifting out of the POV character]

She had read enough
[Passive voice

could lead to unforeseen changes
[Ripple Effect: the reason why I read game novelizations. All here]

her friends lives being in danger
[They were in danger repeatedly, especially if you saved Namatame]

mouth not quite
[mouth,]

nightmarish hypothesis
[Not as much hypothesis as feared imaginings]

Are you okay,"
[okay?”]

Detective Dojima-sans
[-san’s]

two actually walked
[-ly words aren’t often needed, and in cases like this only obstruct the sentence]

shop pausing as
[shop,]

"So…" he began
[You gave the main character lines. Points for you, lots of fanfic writers are too afraid to fill in the words they’re filling into Souji/Yu]

boyfriend taking solace
[boyfriend,]

Had he always been this annoying?
[Interesting possibility (though I don’t think you’ll take that route) is her changing her own mind and not pairing with Yu]

corner jaw hitting
[jaw, - this missing comma is stylistically subjective and I can tell you don’t like using them, but in some cases like this really does belong]

the hell man!
[man?]

made it awkward!"
[Is this a question?]

Chapter 2
would Rise-chan."
[chan?”]

MY WOMANHOOD," Chie screamed
[‘screamed’ conveys the information better than forgetting to turn off caps lock – which is what it looks like whenever you have more than one word in all caps]

the air stopping
[air,]

"Right let stop this
[let’s]

you talking about," Chie
[about?” – only the period demotes into a comma when you’re following dialog with a speech tag]

are you saying,"
[saying?”]

was her worst nightmares
[Singular nightmare, I’d think]

that seem…wrong
[seemed]

She had worked
[‘had’ is passive and takes away from the sentence]

She had spent
[Passive]

and from Chie had told
[from what Chie told]

image flicker onto
[flickered]

she had learned
[Passive]

start planning for,"
[for?”]

instead of his admission
[Insinuation or statement, I think]

never choose could never
[choose,]

been with her for much of her life
[all her life would drive the point home more strongly even if it’s slightly exaggerated]

as the managers husband
[manager’s]

she and those from the Kirijo Group could end up trapped on the other side was high
[What is it with the idea of Naoto working for the Kirijo group? Or knowing about them when P3 was very clear everything happening was a hushed-up secret?]

turns on grabbing
[on,]

Naoto Shirogane come
[Shirogane, - starving children in Africa may need food, but I don’t think they’re suffering from a shortage of commas]

our relationship," Naoto
[relationship?”]

were of who they were
[or]

An brilliant
[A]

then so be,"
[so be it?]

Chapter 3
to her wielders
[wielder’s]

as you're persona
[your]

some badass throwing lighting and hurricanes everywhere
[His third form in the gold games looks stupid, but the second form has been likened to a super saiyan more than once]

looks fine or
[fine,]

…she isn't Naked!"
[Why is that capitalized]

"Gee senpai is that a persona or are you just happy to see me
[I’ve been waiting years for somebody to make this joke. That it’s named what in Japanese slang is dick doesn’t help its case]

one arm leaving
[arm, - do you have some sort of a grudge against commas? Leaving them out can change the meaning of a sentence in very important ways:
Let’s eat, grandma
I leave the conclusion to you]

That was extremely weird but extremely funny.

Chapter 4
Kirijo-san had wanted
[passive]

and the occasional android
[Aigis learned how to blend eventually. Somewhat]

changed same suit
[Although I was about to recommend a comma, I’m not sure why you don’t just start a new paragraph]

hair get longer,"
[longer?”]

"How is Yu,"
[Yu?”]

They just go to sleep and never wake up
[That sounds like a couple ideas for the next persona game where it takes place in a dreamscape, at least one posted here on FFnet]

closer to an clue
[a]

have forgotten I'm
[forgotten,]

"MY FATHER WOULD
[A sentence in all caps screams to me “forgot to take off caps lock”, not “screaming”]

me Naoto," Nanako
[1: me, 2: Why the sudden switch from clan name to given name? An earlier clue that it wasn’t Doujima _Ryoutarou_ would make this seem less like a ‘mind changed about the character mid-chapter’. I’d also expect her to be a street-level officer since there isn’t mention of a great deal of time passing (getting into detective is as hard in Japan as it is in England or Belgium)]

might still have.
[still be I think]

Atlus game called Catherine
[I thought that was a separate universe from the Persona series. So Nanako went detective instead of prosecutor? Not quite the path I expected]

Chapter 5
and over watching
[over,]

want to know,"
[know?”]

how would you know,"
[know?”]

just your friend,"
[friend?”]

but a second world that existed inside the television full of monsters
[I think this sentence says the television is full of monsters, ‘world full of monsters inside the tv’ might more directly convey the true setting]

She didn't even understand what the fuss was about. I mean yes
[I’m amused by what follows, but unless the following is dialog (even if internal) shouldn’t it drop the ‘I mean’?]

"Hey guys sorry
[guys,]

"About what,"
[what?”]

"Yeah, boys smell like boy stuff or like dad's aftershave," Nanako explained, "but girls smell like those nice soaps they have downstairs
[I was thinking you were going a different direction there, but that’s funny]

but to what end.
[This is a question]

had her suspicious
[suspicions]

she had hypothesized
[Passive]

next probably location
[probable]

She had asked
[Passive]

one who had first
[Passive]

She had kept
[Passive – Yes, it really does stand out that much. Yes, it really does reduce the sense of a story happening rather than text on a page]

talks had become
[Passive]

she had asked him
[Passive]

He had told
[Passive]

she had thought
[Passive]

he had remained
[Passive]

he had come
[Passive]

Naoto stood in front of the mirror, trying to steady her breath and splashing her face with cold water
[See? This sentence is past tense, but active and therefore significantly more engaging than the hads]

that had led
[Passive]

and had caught
[Passive]

and had wanted
[Passive]

word in Yu had rush
[in, Yu rushed]

She barley had
[Okay, besides the passive, what’s the grain doing here?]

She had demanded
[Passive]

what it had heard
[Passive]

had decided that
[Passive]

observe and analysis
[analyze]

She had muttered
[Passive]

and had run away
[Passive, particularly during what should be an action]

She had run
[Passive]

and had collapsed
[Passive]

she had left
[Passive]

she had filed
[Passive]

true was it.
[Question]

They had spent
[Passive]

He had seen
[Passive]

I like your writing, the emotional connections and sequences feel like observing real people instead of a series of “Because the plot demands” stupid cutouts (except the single-minded “it can only be Naoto”, but I leave that to your preference) and your spelling is good. However, you miss commas in places that really should have them and you make nearly crippling use of passive voice that does a lot to slow down the story, dim any actions and emotions present, and make it feel more like a slog than a riveting story. If those passives were removed this wouldn’t just be “eh, okay”, it would be great. I’ll stop pointing them out because there are so many and I have a character limit, but it bears highlighting.

Please do a Yu x Mitsuru

A sequel for a case of déjà vu you could do the school trip

This chapter is good but why you make the words look slighted? People usually use for thoughts or scene transitions not for the entire passage.

But i do say that this chapter is kinda interesting!