More :D !

Can I hazzz moar pweash? pwetty pwetty pweash? You hazzz very nice writing skills :3 Love the language. It's hard to find quality fan fics. And I believe I did find a good one. Also as for your title, how about "A brand New Game" ooooor maybe "Upon A Wish" annnndddddd hmm... "Life in the Labyrinth."

omfg. I love it.

I am loving this! It's so good and so different! As much as I like Jareth and Sarah pairings, I really like OC stories too. Please update soon! I can't wait to see what happens next!

I also am a huge fan of Garth Nix!
But your Mogget is a lot more friendly and straightforward than the one I met first. Still, Lucy needs some help and beggars can't be choosers.

Please update soon

this is perfect 3 cant wait for more

please write more

I'm still here. Glad to see the update so quickly.

So, what you need to decide right now (and decide actually about a month ago) is what kind of story you're going to write. Is it going to be fluffy and self-referential and ironic (and funny in bits) where the OC finds new ways to interact with the Goblin King, or is it going to be a scary thriller where we're all a little freaked out by just how bad the GK can get? I've seen hybrids of humor and horror that work fairly well, but they're really really difficult for writers to succeed with. So make a decision soon and stick with it. We're very much on GK's side in the beginning, since you introduce the story with him. We also like Lucy. What I don't like is seeing him physically hurt the other lead character, or being brutal while simultaneously being sexually alluring to Lucy. That's pretty... squicky. Although there are definitely readers who are really into that sort of thing, the abusive boyfriend trope isn't generally healthy to write when you're just starting out. But... then again, I did that trope PLENTY when I was younger, and I guess it didn't hurt me in the long run. It just makes me shudder in hindsight.

Basically if you just pick a direction and keep writing, you're going to come out the other side with something worthwhile. Don't listen to me. Don't listen to anyone. Tell the story you want to tell.

Charming and nicely written, and I usually hate OC stories without Sarah. But I hate stories where people smoke even more, so this is not for me. :(

This has a lot of potential. You've done a few unique things here, insisting that your story and the film both exist in the same universe. The real trick of that will be to demonstrate how this story is different from the film. I never have any issues with F-bombs being dropped in a PG canon, so that's fine. (others will object, perhaps. ignore them!)

What you'll have to do very soon is decide whether this is a wish-fulfillment Mary-Sue insert (because even though people shy away from those, they can be really well-done if you've got enough irony going), or an attempt to use the OC to say something relevant to the film. You will catch six kinds of heat for any romance between Jareth and an OC, but don't let that faze you in the slightest. You do what you want, so long as you're doing it on purpose.

I also really really like your use of prose. Your language is apt and generally well-chosen. You've avoided cliche, which makes you a champion. You make me see things with original turns of phrase. that's great!

Remember your prose, or your "eye," is like a camera. Keep the perspective true. Don't jump around. If we begin by seeing His Nibs' boots, the camera should travel up (why on earth would we want the camera to travel anywhere else? AHEM.), and not jump away to the side. For example, you describe His Majesty hanging out a window, from his perspective, and then the 'camera' jumps from his perspective to a view outside the castle looking at him. If you're inside his head, from his POV, keep the camera on his POV: not outside looking in, but inside him looking out. What does HE see from his window? What is HE looking at? These are the details that keep the story sutured together.

Try to imagine the story in your head, visually. Borrow from other movies and TV shows as necessary to get the shot inside your head. Then put yourself in the brain of your characters, and only describe things when it's described from their perspective. Bouncy jump-cuts make people feel ill in cinema, and they make people feel ill in fiction too. (Not to say you can't experiment-do! But experiment when you're a little more confident with the story you're telling.)

And relax! You're going to be fine. This story's going to be great. You can do anything you want! I'm looking forward to more.