He's Not Dead Yet

And now, to wrap things up, The Epilogue. Instead of discussing the existence or nonexistence of Harry Potter, we will be fighting for it.

We will let you know the score once you have finished reading the final chapter.

And now, for the last time, I own neither Harry Potter nor any cultural references that may or may not be mentioned.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

It was many, many years since the end of the sort-of-war-that-was-mostly-one-sided-as-the-enemy-was-a-moron (wizards and their damn hyphens). Harry James Potter (Age: 175) was seated in a large wing-chair beside a roaring fireplace, a cup of tea resting on the table beside him. Across from him on the sofa, a tiny, blonde girl in a bright yellow dress and checkered converse shoes sat, a notepad and orange-ink pen in her little hands.

"So, what do you wish to know?" he asked the eight-year-old aspiring journalist with a warm smile.

"Well, great-granddaddy-"

"Ah-ah-ah, Diane," he admonished gently. "Professionalism."

"Oh, right, of course! Ahem. Mr. Potter, the magical world wants to know how you built the Potter dynasty. I mean, so much achieved by you, your wives, your children, and your grandchildren; how did you accomplish it all?"

"Well, Miss Potter, it was not easy and I certainly couldn't have done it alone," he replied. "In fact, if you want the real brains behind the whole thing you should be speaking to my wives. Anything I accomplished I was only able to do with their help and encouragement."

"Of course, everyone knows about the technological revolution of the early twenty-first century, but many of the readers want to know how it all started. What caused the changes? What all happened after the end of the war?"

"Ah, 'how it all started' is an interesting question and I suppose it is time enough for the truth to be known. My dear Luna informed me that she was told that the information may be unclassified now that everything is as it should be."

And so he told her everything, right from the beginning, not withholding any details. The little girl was, understandably, amazed and Harry knew it would shock a good many other people. It was good to finally get it all out in the open; after all, Harry hated keeping secrets, even if he had to for safety reasons (he wasn't Dumbledore, after all).

"And after you and your wives left Hogwarts, tell us about that. And what happened to the Weasleys? What about the other people in the story?"

"Well, it's quite a tale. But I really should get everything out, as I am not long for this world."

"Don't say that, I'm sure you'll live at least another hundred years!"

"That's very generous of you, Miss Potter, but I have no wish to linger even if I could. After all, it is the height of good manners to know when to leave. Being as old as I am does wear a man down after a while. But you wanted the rest of the story and here it is…"

Harry James Potter, wealthiest and most famous wizard in all of Great Britain, was quite proud to say that he was happy with his life. A couple years after graduating from Hogwarts, he and the girls got married in a joint wedding ceremony at the Potter family chapel. Harry had insisted on holding off the wedding until each of his then-fiancées had determined what she wished to do in life.

Hermione had taken up a post at the Ministry as an advisor to the newly-elected Minister, Kingsley Shacklebolt. Hermione's work allowed for many of the old, bigoted laws to be disbanded and for efficiency in the Ministry to reach record levels. In her spare time, Hermione took great delight in organizing the Potter family archives and library (which she was known to frequent), a pastime that soon turned into a secondary profession when she assembled a complete Potter genealogical record; after noticing her findings, other families had requested her help in studying their records and completing the missing parts of their family trees. In doing so, Hermione ended up discovering connections between pure-blood families and supposed Muggle-borns, leading to the revelation that many of the magical children from Muggle families were, in fact, descended from Squibs of pure-blood families who had been all but totally forgotten. In her marriage to Harry, Hermione became the proud mother of three brilliant children: Miranda Lily, Richard James, and Rosemary Emma Potter.

Fay still had her intense love of sports and took up a post as Beater for Puddlemere United, turning down an offer from the Holyhead Harpies in order to avoid working alongside Ginny Weasley (who had still not given up pursuing Harry, despite the restraining order). Fay took a short break from her Quidditch career when she became pregnant with her first child, Andrew Jacob Potter-Gryffindor. She took another temporary leave when she was pregnant with her second child, Margaret Anne Potter, but was soon back in the game.

Luna continued on to work for The Quibbler, this time as a professional journalist. With her Animagus ability, she was singularly responsible for uncovering an attempted government takeover scheme that was being planned by Draco Malfoy and several other Death Eater wannabes. Luna also did a great deal of travel and discovered many amazing creatures, some of which were ones she had told people about in her youth in spite of their skepticism; though she never did find the crumple-horned snorkack. Luna and Harry had four children together: Selene Pandora, Rhea Hermia, and the twins Lorcan Taranis and Lysander Ignotus Potter.

Susan had proudly gone into the Auror Corps and was due for a promotion soon. With her aunt retiring, it was expected that Susan would very likely be selected as the next head of the DMLE. During her time as an Auror, Susan had risen through the ranks faster than anyone in the history of the profession; her work in not only the rounding up of Dark witches and wizards but in the raising of standards for the Auror Corps had ensured that. She had also received Healer training which she put into effect quickly and efficiently whenever the need arose on some of the more…difficult missions. Her determination and quick-thinking were traits which seemed to have passed on to her twin daughters, Jessica Elizabeth and Martha Amelia Potter, who were now top of the second year class; though her now five-year-old son Edgar Michael Potter seemed to have the traits, he preferred to use them to cause as much mischief as he could while being aided and abetted by several of his half-siblings.

Daphne had decided to take up helping Harry with his business ventures. A result of her ideas for new products and expanding of the magical market was that she was frequently featured in editions of The Weekly Babble, an extension of The Quibbler which took over the topic of fashion and the successes of women from Witch Weekly (which had gone out of business along with its sister publication The Daily Prophet). One of Daphne's personal achievements was the launching of her own fashion company in the magical world, leading to new trends that replaced the outdated 'robe look.' Daphne's talent for dealing with people and her charming and charismatic nature eventually earned her the unofficial status of a Ministry representative to foreign diplomats and even as a liaison with the non-magical government. Of her many accomplishments, Daphne always insisted that motherhood was one of the happiest. Lucilla Marina, Archimedes Cyrus, Demetrius Kastor, and Calliope Juno Potter were the very embodiment of Slytherin cunning mingled with the refinement of the Greengrass family. Everyone knew that Lucilla and Demetrius were the masterminds behind many of the Potter children's pranks; however, no one was ever able to prove it.

Tracey, oddly enough, had become something of a homemaker. None of the magical careers really appealed to her and she enjoyed overseeing the management of the Potter family properties, ensuring that everything was running smoothly. In her spare time, Tracey did a great deal of painting and experimenting with cooking (though, luckily, there were no more incidents involving killer blancmanges). Tracey also proved herself a capable hostess, organizing many of the events at Potter Manor from galas to balls to simple birthday parties. Whenever she was asked why she didn't aspire for a career of her own, Tracey would reply that with everyone else in the family off doing their own thing someone had to ensure that the children who weren't at Hogwarts yet didn't blow up the house (something that came closer to happening than anyone realized). Tracey had always wanted a large family, a result of growing up as the only child of rather indifferent parents; so it was that Tracey became the mother of Matthew Harold, David Charlus, Aeron Gordian, Winifred Iris, and Elaine Marissa Potter.

Harry himself mostly focused on his business ventures, as well as his administrative duties in the Wizengamot. He did prefer working from home in order to help Tracey manage the household and to spend as much time as he could with his children. He also continued to improve things at Hogwarts; eventually deciding that Sorting the students into Houses caused more harm than good (students were now assigned to Houses according to year), and the option was put out to students to receive personalized portkeys that could take them home, no longer requiring students to board at the school if they did not wish to.

The Weasley family was mostly successful (with the exception of Ron and Ginny). Arthur's divorce from Molly was finalized and he married his old sweetheart Abigail. Arthur eventually retired from his Ministry job and went to work for Splunge Inc., doing what he loved best; enchanting Muggle objects. He made a good profit off selling his flying car idea to the company and eventually racked up a sizable fortune of his own. When his ex-wife Molly was finally released from prison, she was mortified to discover how things had turned; returning to her former home to discover her husband had divorced her and that there was someone else in her place had driven her to very nearly landing herself in prison again for attempted assault. Molly had no choice but to move in with her Aunt Muriel, where she lived miserably ever after.

Fred and George were also among the successful Weasleys. After finishing their NEWTs, as per an agreement, they received an investment in their joke shop from their hero Sirius Black. Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes cornered the market on pranks, jokes, novelties, toys, and a good many other items. Fred and George eventually settled down with their girlfriends, Angelina Johnson and Alicia Spinnet, respectively.

Bill also continued in his career as a curse-breaker, along with his eventual wife Fleur Delacour. Their jobs with Gringotts took them on hair-raising adventures, exploring lost tombs and perilous jungle cities, rescuing ancient artifacts from smugglers and making love in exotic locations. But that is another story.

Charlie and Red also married. Red left her family's law firm in order to follow Charlie back to Romania where she rediscovered her love of magical history and anthropology and wrote books on the ancient magic and magical cultures of Romania and Eastern Europe. They still kept in contact with Harry, sending him and his family free copies of Red's books when they were published (something which Hermione appreciated the most).

Percy married his old girlfriend Penelope Clearwater and had a very peaceful and contented life as a chartered accountant. That's about it, really.

As for Ron and Ginny, well…

Ginny was accepted by the Holyhead Harpies, until her constant obsessing over Harry Potter creeped out her teammates so much she ended up alienating them to the point that they had no choice but to kick her off the team. She continued to stalk Harry and his family, even as work became difficult for her to find. Eventually, she snapped and attempted to assault Harry in broad daylight as he was taking his children shopping for school supplies. She was confined to the wing for the mentally unstable at St. Mungo's for the rest of her life.

Ron did a little better. Not much, though. He did manage to wrangle a job with his favorite Quidditch team, the Chudley Cannons, as their equipment manager. Of course, the years of being ignored and of everyone's attention being solely on Harry Potter did a great deal of damage to his psyche and, as a result, he ended up with an eating addiction (I mean more than his usual one). He met an untimely demise at age fifty-five when he was visiting his favorite restaurant and had just finished his seventeenth course. The scene went something like:

"Would sir care for an after-dinner mint?"

"No, I'm stuffed. I couldn't eat another bite."

"It's wafer-thin."

"Well…it couldn't hurt."

Unfortunately for Ronald, it did. The explosion was truly something for the record books.

Sirius and Bathsheba Black went on to live long, happy lives, along with their three beautiful children: Celeste, Leo, and Aries. The Blacks were frequent visitors at Potter Manor, along with the Lupins (Remus, Tonks, and their children, Teddy and Angela). Sirius retired from the Aurors and took up teaching Transfiguration at Hogwarts (as McGonagall was now headmistress; though she began contemplating retirement when the steady trickle of Blacks, Lupins, Potters, and Weasleys began).

Narcissa Black and Tracey's mother Marissa Rowle lived very long and happy lives. Together, they became renowned as trendsetters and philanthropists, neither woman remarried. Marissa did eventually reconnect with her daughter, but Narcissa stayed as far away from Draco as possible; Narcissa did, however, decide she wanted to be a mother again.

Narcissa's daughter, Estella Black, was the result of quite a heated but brief romantic dalliance with a very intelligent American Muggle billionaire Narcissa had met at a charity function in the Muggle world she was attending with her cousin Sirius and his family. Estella took after her mother in terms of beauty, but she seemed to have a deep fascination with figuring out Muggle technology and making it work better with magic, something that would lead Estella into working for Splunge Inc. and making a fortune of her own by harnessing magic as a clean and efficient source of natural energy.

Neville and Hannah Longbottom became known as the world's foremost Herbology experts. Together, they opened the Longbottom Gardens and Herbology Institute and Neville himself eventually went on to teach Herbology at Hogwarts, while still assisting Harry with Splunge Inc. Neville and Hannah had four children: Mary Frances, Allen Wilfred, Henry Robert, and Sarah Ann Longbottom.

The Potter children were each remarkable in their own rights, though considering their upbringings it was only natural. Harry, Hermione, Luna, Susan, Fay, Daphne, and Tracey all loved and respected each of the children and raised them to be strong-minded and independent people, but also rational individuals with more logic than most of magical Britain combined.

Of Harry and Hermione's children, Miranda had always been the quiet one. Like her mother, she was very timid and often kept her nose in a book. What a change it made when she proved to have a natural affinity for snow sports such as ice-skating, snowboarding, and skiing which got her involved in many competitions abroad while she was studying to become an anthropologist, helping expand that branch of knowledge in the magical world after being inspired by the works of her family's old friend Red. Miranda, as the eldest of the "Potter" heirs, was the designated head of the House of Potter, regardless of the fact that she had a brother as Harry had overturned the laws that required lordships to directly pass to male heirs.

Richard had both his mother's brains and his paternal grandfather's ingenuity and penchant for mischief, but also his father's love for societal advancement. He and his godbrother, Teddy Lupin, had collaborated on a number of projects together and even developed new forms of magical transport, including sky-ships (which they'd wanted to build ever since they'd watched the film "Treasure Planet"). Richard had even spent a few years in the non-magical military, hoping it would straighten out his rebellious streak a bit considering all the chaos he wreaked during his Hogwarts years.

Rosemary had grown up to be no less incredible, though mostly no one knew what she was really doing at one time or another, being a secret Hit-Witch while masquerading as a member of the magical acting circle of society did tend to put limitations on what she could and could not tell her friends and family. Like her father, she also had a love of flying and did occasionally do competitive broom-racing, in addition to being a falcon Animagus.

Lucilla took after Daphne in that she was quite proudly a public figure. As the heiress of Slytherin, she was expected to hold herself with dignity, though the people who got to know her discovered she had a liking for very stupid jokes. She held a firm grip on her goals, though, and was not someone you wanted as an enemy, especially considering she was aiming at becoming the youngest Minister for Magic on record.

Archimedes was more the simple soul and had his father's dislike of being the center of attention. He would tinker away with little magical and electronic gadgets with his brother Richard, but mostly he avoided anything that might make people take too much notice of him. Once he started to come out of his shell, though, it became clear that his ambition was to help others and so he took up management of the charities his father sponsored. As he became more open to others, he eventually took up a job as a teacher at the Pottermark Introductory School of Magic, an institution that Harry had begun work on to help ease the transition into the magical world for younger children (it wasn't a boarding school and it mostly dealt with the basics of magical education while focusing on the essentials of a normal one). He declined the chance to be head of the Greengrass family, passing it to his younger brother.

Demetrius proved to be very capable as Lord Greengrass once his maternal grandfather had retired from public life. He was very easy to talk to and soon found himself a secondary occupation working as a diplomat, like his mother had done. He was also a talented violinist and was known to perform at parties if requested. He also had a liking for history and wrote several books on ancient magic.

Calliope was born to be a professor. She had a natural talent for speaking and could hold anyone who listened to her captivated by her clear, concise, and fascinating explanations regarding spellcraft. She would spend many years abroad perfecting this knowledge before returning to Britain to take up a professorship at Hogwarts, eventually becoming headmistress.

Susan and Harry's twins, Jessica and Martha, always did everything together regardless of how different they could be in both appearance and personality. Both were unmistakably a team and no one would ever dare try to keep them apart, not even when it came time to enter the workforce. Despite the fact that Martha was an Auror and Jessica was an Unspeakable, the two were constants in each other's lives. While Martha took up the title of Lady Hufflepuff once Harry felt he was old enough to start handing out his titles to his children, Jessica had refused her mother's offer to let her become Lady Bones.

Edgar, like many of his siblings, was a staunch humanitarian and dedicated to helping others. It was because of this that he chose to become a Healer at St. Mungo's, pushing for new and innovative medical techniques he learned from having studied at Medical School in the Muggle world. Edgar eventually became Head Healer of St. Mungo's. While he was the heir to the title of Lord Bones, he managed to hold off on accepting the position from his mother until his eldest son, Harold Robert Bones Potter, had finished his own education and could be suitably handed the title instead.

Andrew proved to have an affinity for Arithmancy and Ancient Runes, something he eventually turned into a career working as a professional warder. This led him into the service of Gringotts as one of their chief warders, ward-breakers, and consultants in curse-breaking. With his father's retirement, Andrew found himself thrust into the position of Lord Gryffindor, something which he proved to be relatively good at, thanks especially to the assistance of his wife who helped get him through the more complex aspects of political life. After all, wards and Arithmantic formulae were easy for Andrew, but dealing with people, and politicians, was another matter entirely.

Margaret shared her parents' love of Quidditch and became one of the best Seekers the Scottish team had ever had; choosing to accept their offer over the one from England (something which the English team never forgave her for). She won international acclaim by her performance of a perfect Wronski Feint at the Quidditch World Cup. When her Quidditch career ended, she took up the post of flying instructor and Quidditch coach at Hogwarts.

Matthew had been a bit of a showoff ever since he was a child. No matter what his parents did, he never quite reined in that cocky and headstrong attitude. When he crossed the line, however, Harry made it very clear he would be out of the family if he didn't shape up. Matthew's relationship with his family did become a bit strained, showing that not everything goes perfectly, and he stopped speaking to his father entirely after Harry decided to bequeath the Peverell lordship to Matthew's younger brother David instead of him. They didn't reconcile until Harry's hundred-and-sixtieth birthday.

David pursued an interest in Law, becoming quite a respected lawyer and eventually working as the chief legal counsel for Splunge Inc. David was rather surprised when he was offered the Peverell lordship from his father, and only reluctantly accepted as none of his younger siblings were interested and Harry outright refused to give it to Matthew. Regardless, he handled his title with dignity and always voted according to his conscience.

With so many children, the odds were pretty high that at least one would be a Squib. Aeron happened to be the one Fate decided to not gift with magical powers. Harry had been terrified that his son would be bitter and resentful upon finding out he couldn't learn magic; however, Aeron, oddly enough, did not feel he was in any way inferior to his siblings and had the temperament quality that members of his family referred to as the "Oh, Harry" trait, in that he knew his father's attempts to do everything he could to make things fair for everyone were appreciated but still seen as frustratingly noble. Over all, things turned out really well for Aeron, who ended up going to a Muggle university and even on to graduate school with some of the best grades in his class. He made sure to keep in touch with his family, even as he began working in the Muggle world where people wouldn't look at him and instantly see the "Squib son of Harry Potter." He ended up making quite a decent fortune in his own rights as the owner of a successful company, crediting his father as inspiration.

Winifred, affectionately known as "Winnie," endeavored to become the youngest Potions Mistress of the age (beating Snape's record by two years). After that, commissions to work for various people began pouring in. She never really settled on working for just one group exclusively and always preferred to show up as a consultant and guest-speaker for any number of agencies, organizations, and schools. Her skill reached such levels of proficiency that, before the age of thirty, she had successfully invented the cure for Lycanthropy.

Elaine never seemed to escape being known as the "baby" of the Potter family as she was almost ten years younger than the next-to-youngest child, Rosemary. Despite having so many older siblings, Elaine was not insecure about her own accomplishments and quite proudly exhibited her talents as a professional dueling champion, artist, and gymnastics expert. She founded her own art institution which was riddled with trapeze wires from which she could practice her talents with the brush, magic, and unrivaled flexibility.

Rhea was the second-eldest of Harry and Luna's children, but by certain circumstances which shall soon be explained, she took over the position of Lady Ravenclaw in place of her sister Selene. From a young age, Rhea had shown an aptitude for Herbology and earth-based magic, something which caused her to spend a considerable amount of time with Neville and Hannah Longbottom's younger son, Henry. It was more or less a match made in heaven, and Rhea and Henry married only a few years after finishing Hogwarts and went to work at the Longbottom Gardens and Herbology Institute.

Lorcan was a bit of a wild-card in his older years, very different from the well-behaved, polite, and secretly sneaky boy he had been in his childhood. With a pierced ear, a leather jacket, and a motorcycle, he went where he wanted and did what he wanted. He would always come by at holidays or to occasionally visit his siblings and shower gifts on his many nieces and nephews. He was pretty secretive about what he did when he was off the radar, but he hinted that he spent a lot of his time doing things for the American government. The day he came home to announce his impending nuptials had everyone shocked as they never thought the young man would do anything so normal as marriage; indeed, most people thought he was just falling into one sordid love affair after another, though he neither confirmed nor denied such allegations, saying it was no one's business what he did with his life.

Lysander had been the "goody-two-shoes" and just did what he seemed to feel was expected of him. He prepared for his responsibilities as head of the House of Lovegood, which had since been given a noble title (that Harry had absolutely nothing to do with, honestly, it was all Luna's doing!). Like his maternal family, he did express himself through his interest in magical and non-magical creatures. What really threw people in a spin was the fact that he'd married Fred and Angelina Weasley's daughter, Roxanne, who was anything but mild-mannered and simple.

As for Selene, well, she outshone them all. It goes without saying that any child of Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood would be exceptional, just as Harry's other children with his other wives were all exceptional in their own ways, but Selene showed she had her father's luck. After all, no one but Harry Potter's daughter could find herself defeating a Dark witch so powerful she made Voldemort look like a dead parrot in comparison. As an added twist to the fate of this young woman, it could only be Potter luck that caused her to be crowned Supreme Empress of the Magical World. All Selene had wanted to do was get a Charms mastery, travel a bit, and marry that cute Muggle-born boy from Dorset. Instead, she got the job of running the entire magical world, even as the Statute of Secrecy was eventually dissolved. All she could say to her father on the subject was a very sarcastic, "Thanks a lot, Dad."

"Thank you for your insight, Mr. Potter," said the little blonde girl to the aged wizard. "We at The Quibbler appreciate this."

She hopped off her seat, gave her great-grandfather a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and skipped over to the fireplace to Floo home. Harry smiled and shook his head slightly before rising from his own seat and heading off to his bedroom. His wives were all waiting for him with warm smiles.

"It's tonight, isn't it?" he asked.

"Yep," said Luna with a sad smile. "The boys at the MoD are waiting for our arrival."

"It was nice of them to let us all leave together," said Tracey.

"Indeed," Daphne said with a nod. "I don't think I would have been able to handle us all leaving one at a time."

The seven of them all curled up on the bed together, as they had become accustomed to do. Harry, Hermione, Luna, Susan, Fay, Daphne, and Tracey, all together as though they were merely going to sleep after a long day. They were tired, it was time to go.

"Mr. Potter, how splendid to see you again," a cheerful voice greeted him.

Harry opened his eyes. It was the man from the Ministry of Death, whose office Harry had first walked into at the beginning of the story.

"And Mrs. Potter, Mrs. Potter, Mrs. Potter, Mrs. Potter, and Mrs. Potter, how lovely."

"You forgot Mrs. Potter," added another man that Harry recognized as the guy from MoD's legal office.

"Yes, my apologies. Well, you certainly got it right this time, Mr. Potter. We'll just escort you seven through to the other side, I know you have a good many friends and loved ones waiting for you."

"So, he really fulfilled his destiny this time?" Hermione asked.

"Certainly! Got things tidied up in the living world just in time for the Chosen One to show up."

"Wait, what?" said Harry. "What are you talking about?"

"Your daughter, Selene, of course! She was destined to become the magical messiah and usher in a new era of peace and prosperity for all. Couldn't do that if she hadn't been born, could she?"

"Wait, you mean to tell me this whole sending me back in time thing was just a ploy to ensure Selene was born and could become the magical empress?"

"Um, actually, yes. You didn't think everything would be so convenient on its own, did you? The folks in Fate had to do a lot of damage control."

"So you manipulated me, just like Dumbledore?"

"Mr. Potter, just because we needed you to do something that would lead to the dawning of a golden age does not mean we superimposed our own desires above your own. We left you plenty of room to choose who you wanted to marry, what you did with your life, and how you accomplished everything. We only tweaked things when absolutely necessary. And, after all, weren't the end results worth it?"

Harry exchanged meaningful looks with his wives and had to nod.

"I suppose you're right."

"Excellent. Now if you will just step through here, we'll see you all off to Heaven."

As Harry was about to follow his wives through the portal to the 'next great adventure,' he turned to look at the two MoD representatives.

"Will we ever see each other again?" said Harry.

"Who knows? God-permitting we'll all meet again in 'He's Not Dead Yet 2: The Search for Better Cultural References.'"

Author's Note: Finally! It's finally completely finished! *Blows a noisemaker* Time for cake and then back to my schoolwork. You all have been great, you really have. I hope to post some new stories in the future, keep a lookout. The scores stand thus: Harry Potter exists by three falls to a submission.

And Happy Halloween.