Sorry I haven't updated in ages! I've just started university this year and it's been so hectic that I just haven't had any time! But this is quite a long chapter. Anyway warnings for quite a bit of bad language, violence etc. Enjoy.

Nightmares

A circle of people surrounds him. Kirk looks around, confused by all of their faces. He doesn't recognise any of them, doesn't understand why they are staring at him. Then one by one, all of the people around him begin to laugh. The sound rings in his ears and makes his head hurt – they remind him of hyenas, because there is just something so predatory about the way they smirk. He knows that they are laughing at him because some of them point, their fingers long and accusatory. He suddenly realises that he does know who they are. In front of him is Sulu.

"Sulu? What are you doing?" He asks. For some reason his voice is unbroken – high and childish.

"You're a fucking liar." Sulu stops laughing for a second to reply, but then carries on with his sniggering.

"And a cheat. You are a wewy bad man." Chekov says, his voice crueller than Kirk has ever heard it. Kirk looks to find its source and realises Chekov has been beside Sulu all the time.

"You're a thief as well," Scotty pipes up from somewhere behind him.

"Don't forget slut. And whore. He wanted to fuck me in that bar as soon as he saw me, but he isn't good enough for anyone sober. He probably thought he could rob me at the same time." Uhura screams, her face twisted in anger.

"The captain is also a murderer. It is logical to assume that he should therefore deserved everything that occurred in his youth," Spock adds dispassionately, although it still doesn't sound like Spock. "We should terminate him."

"Give him to me. I've got all day to play and soon enough he'll bleed out," Kodos whispers in his ear. Kirk tries to turn but his body won't move and his feet feel like lead. He looks down and realises he is a child again, his clothes hanging off him almost comically. He can't move or breathe or speak. But for some reason he can scream; he opens his mouth and yells.

Kirk snaps awake. He's drenched in sweat, his whole body tense. He breathes in deeply, trying to calm himself down. It was just a dream, just a stupid dream. None of his crew knows about the complete mess of his past, they have a few bits and pieces and nothing more.

He's still on the broken park bench, and it's still dark, although he's now significantly more sober (in fairness he did start drinking before nine, and some hours have probably passed since he came out here). His hand is stinging painfully, although its stopped bleeding. Even so, there's blood all over his clothes. He's also noticed another pain, throbbing. He winces when he sees another fragment of wood, buried into his thigh. He has no idea how he didn't notice it before, or maybe he rolled on it during his dream (perhaps that's even why he woke up). He's about to pull it out when he hears approaching footsteps.

Its four uniformed Starfleet officers, all armed. That's when Kirk knows things are bad.

"Captain Kirk," One of them says, looking him up and down (Kirk has no idea how he must look, covered in blood and stinking of alcohol). "You're going to have to come with us."

"Now?" Kirk asks dryly. "It's the middle of the night. Can't a man sit on a bench he's smashed to pieces without interruption?"

"Now."

"Where am I going?" Kirk asks (a cell, a bullet to the back of the head, to be thrown in a hole somewhere?). The Uniforms don't answer, they just watch him expectantly. He sighs and stands up, wincing when he puts weight on his injured leg. "Are you going to cuff me?"

"Is that necessary?" One of the Uniforms asks. Kirk sighs and shakes his head. Then he follows them out of the park and into a waiting vehicle.

During the drive, he sleeps.

When he wakes up, he knows he's completely sober (something he regrets immensely). The wood is still in his leg, and now it's a burning pain. He's escorted upstairs, into a waiting area for an office (without medical treatment, or fresh clothes – things are definitely bad). They don't even let him sit in the little waiting area, they just direct him straight into the office.

Inside, the President of Starfleet is waiting. Jim has met her once, briefly. She's new – Marcus's firm replacement. That time she was smiling; this time she is scowling, and looks exhausted.

"Sit," She commands, beckoning to the seat opposite her. Her eyes run him up and down, taking in the blood soaked clothes and leg wound – it's started to bleed sluggishly again from the walk up. Red splatters onto the carpet. Jim sighs at the same time as she does.

"It was a nice carpet." Jim says sadly, then grips the wood tightly and wrenches it out of his leg (because it can't stay in there, and if the carpet's already ruined there's no point in waiting – but more importantly, it's a test for the new president). He watches her expression as he pulls it out, keeping his purposely blank (because you should never show your pain, not ever). She doesn't flinch, which he gives her credit for.

"Sit," She repeats, in the same firm tone. Jim sits. It's a shame, he reflects, because the chair was nice too. "I've just had the Admirals who were implicated in Kodos' torture dismissed and arrested."

"Not Komack," Jim interrupts. "He spilt to you, didn't he?"

"You're very quick, Kirk. But I already knew that. I still haven't decided what to do with Komack."

"What about Spock and McCoy?" Kirk asks.

"They're waiting outside. I've had them in here already."

"It wasn't their fault. I was their commanding officer – they were just following my orders. They shouldn't be punished. If you're blaming, blame me. It was my idea, I did it, and it's on my head."

"It's strange, but McCoy and Spock said almost the exact same thing." The president says, looking curious. "They said that you were not in control of your actions, and that they should not have allowed you to be put in that position. I have to say, looking at you, I'm inclined to believe them."

"I'm fine," Kirk shoots back, a reflex comment.

"As you bleed all over my carpet," The president comments.

"Look, I was completely in control. If you'd seen it you would agree-" Kirk starts, but he's cut off.

"I have seen it. It's taped. You let it get taped. And because of that, I'm put in a difficult position. You tortured a man Kirk, and it's on film! If it gets out, and these things usually do, how I treat this situation will be under immense scrutiny!"

"It's taped?" Kirk can't conceal his shock.

"Yes its taped! In fact, I'm going to put it on for you, right now, just so you can see how bad this looks!" She shoves a screen at Kirk, with the interrogation playing.

As soon as he breaks the first finger Kirk looks away. Watching himself do those things – he doesn't want to (he isn't sure he can). He's already distanced himself from what he did in his mind – it wasn't him in that room, it wasn't him…

"Watch it Kirk!" The president snaps.

He looks back at the screen. His face is so cold, so distant. And Kodos is screaming like… like how he used to scream. The whole thing makes him want to throw up. He really, really doesn't want to watch. But he isn't weak, and if he's lived through it he can damn well watch it. When he watches himself twist on Kodos broken fingers he flashes back to a laughing guard doing the exact same thing to him and his fingers burn with the memory of pain. He reaches down and feels his fingers (they aren't broken, of course they aren't broken); the president doesn't miss it. Still, he keeps his eyes on the screen.

The Jim Kirk who tortured Kodos doesn't flinch. The Jim Kirk watching winces at every scream, his body ablaze with phantom pain and guilt. In a way it is worse seeing himself become the figure that hurts instead of being hurt himself. The president's eyes are on him the entire time but he cannot hide his utter horror at what he is doing on the screen; it is all he can do to not throw up.

When the video finally finishes he looks up at the president. Her eyes are less fire now, cooled to embers.

"You see what this looks like? A Starfleet officer compliant in this could end us – it would be an absolute disaster, especially after all that happened with Marcus. There lies one of my main problems – you're high profile. If I fire you then everyone will be searching for the reason, a reason that must stay hidden."

"You could just make up a reason. Or you could make it so I have an… accident." Kirk says softly.

"I could. But you're a damn good officer, Kirk," She sighs, "I don't want to end your career."

"But I-" Kirk starts, confused, but the president cuts him off.

"I've read your entire file. Even the unofficial bits. Plus Pike talked about you a lot."

"Pike talked to you about me?"

"He did more than talk. He left me instructions on how to deal with you in the event of his death. He cared about you deeply Kirk, I hope you know that."

"I did… he was a very good man. Sorely missed." Kirk reflects, "Hang on, what do you mean instructions?"

"He left me a manual in his will," She says with a small, sad smile, "I was the highest person in Starfleet he really, really trusted. Because of that he trusted me with you. Told me I had to take care of you. I think he just wanted you to have somebody in the fleet on your side."

"A manual?" Kirk says, affronted.

"It says things like you don't trust anybody, but the closest you've got is Leonard McCoy. It has some of your past in there as well – not the hard facts, because I know all of that as president, but some… emotional interpretation."

"So you're not going to fire me because you liked Pike, and because I'm fucked in the head?" Jim snaps. He's hurt, because he hates it when people are understanding. Then he realises he's angry, truly furious at her attitude –what he's done is serious, a horrific act. "Half the people who do shit like that do it because they've been hurt, it's not a fucking excuse. There are no excuses for breaking somebodies fingers in a row! One of the guys who did that to me had scars from when he'd been in the same position, that doesn't mean I forgave him and let him get on with it!"

"Kirk!" The president cuts his rant short, "I'm not excusing your behaviour. You're not being spared from being fired because I cared about Chris or because I feel sorry for you. You are an asset to this organisation and I don't want to lose you based on a one off incident when you were clearly not in your right mind. I can tell by your appearance that you're not going to do it again."

"And what if I do?"

"Then I will fire you, and have you court marshalled. But this screw up was not on you. The buck was passed on to the Admirals who let it happen. But you can trust me when I say there will not be a second chance."

"So I'm being spared because I'm an 'asset'"

"You're a good Captain. Not many would walk into a radiation zone to save their crew. It's a long, painful way to die."

"I'm aware of that intimately," Kirk says shortly. He still dreams of that pain (and worse the horrifying feeling of being able to do nothing to stop your death). He pauses, composes himself, then continues. "So what are you going to do with me?"

"You're suspended, immediately. First and foremost this isn't a punishment. You need help. This only happened because you couldn't control your behaviour, because you hadn't dealt with your feelings. Whilst you're on Earth you're going to deal with this – I've called a psychiatrist I know, she'll review your case and work with you. She's smart enough to cut through your usual bullshit – I don't know how you've managed to pass your psyc evaluations in the past, but she's harder to deceive. Then, and only then, will you return."

"I don't need a psychiatrist! I'm not sick!"

"Pike mentioned that you strongly dislike doctors. It's interesting that your best friend is a doctor."

"See this is what I don't need! People who haven't got a clue trying to analyse me!"

"I have a clue Kirk." The president says softly. Her tone calms Kirk down and he stares at the president. "I was held captive and tortured when I was about your age."

"I'm sorry," Kirk finally says.

"I hate it when people talk about 'getting over it'. The things that happened to me will be with me for the rest of my life. But I had to learn not to let them control me – and for that I needed some serious help. You've had almost constant trauma for years, I'm amazed you're still standing. Just the near death experience alone would push most people over the edge. How's your sleep?"

"Intermittent," Kirk admits reluctantly. "But I've never slept well, not since… sometimes when I was growing up sleeping deeply was a bad idea."

"This is what I mean. It's not healthy for you to be up on the Enterprise, collecting more trauma. You were tortured, again, a few months ago. You didn't even go to counselling."

"It was nothing, just a minor thing. They didn't even have professionals."

"Do you listen to yourself?"

"I'm not normal. I don't need to do normal things like therapy," Kirk says, exasperated.

"Kirk! It's this or you're out." The president snaps. Kirk stops and stares at her.

"You think that's an ultimatum? I was doing fine before I joined Starfleet and I'd be fine without it! You were the ones who came to me, who asked me to join!"

"You think you were doing fine?" The president shouts, "Half of the time you were living on the streets and for the rest you were in prison on some god damn colony planet!"

"You don't know anything about that! I had got myself together! It's hard supporting yourself when you're a kid and nobody will employ you legitimately! But I'm an adult now, I would be fine! I would have been fine in the first place if it wasn't for fucking Starfleet," Kirk yells. He wonders who he is trying to convince.

"We took your father, then your childhood when we failed to come to Tarsus for aid," The president says, calmer now, "Why did you still join us? You're clearly still holding that as a grudge."

"I don't hold grudges," Kirk snaps, "Starfleet didn't kill my father and didn't murder on Tarsus. Why the hell would I blame Starfleet for that? I joined because I wanted to change the shit you lot get up to. To have better procedures so that Tarsus doesn't happen again. Most importantly I wanted you to start taking the rumours of the outer colony prisons seriously. You let them get away with whatever shit they like! They haven't heard of human rights in some of those places! I still have friends who are stuck in prisons that make Tarsus look like a holiday resort, or in slave labour camps they've been sold to. Starfleet does nothing!"

"They have a right to make their own laws-"

"There are children in those prisons! Who are whipped and starved and forced into slave labour every day. That is not okay. And they're proper kids, they don't deserve that!"

"What do you mean proper kids?"

"You know… innocent kids. Kids who don't deserve to be treated like that. Some of them have stolen food out of hunger and desperation, and that's what they get in return. You're missing the point here."

"As opposed to what? Kids like you? Kids who deserve everything they get?"

"I wasn't innocent! I could take growing up in a place like that. The things I'd done, I probably deserved to get locked up. I wasn't afraid of the other prisoners like the rest of those kids are, I wasn't afraid of the guards. I was crazy enough to make people afraid of me, willing to make threats and carry them out. But those other kids need our help. Because they just die in those places and that's wrong."

"What do you want us to do? You claim that these places exist, that these practices occur, that children are locked up but there is no evidence. The colonies deny it. Nobody has ever seen these prisons except you!"

"That's because the people they put in there don't come out! You either die or get sold on. It's a slave industry operating out of legitimate looking prisons and nobody cares because it's getting rid of all of those 'problem kids' and undesirables. But there have been others, people who get out and tell and nobody believes them."

"What do you want us to do?"

"Investigate! If you investigate properly, not just going through the motions like you did the last time, I'll get the bloody therapy. But I want in. You need somebody who knows these places from the inside and I can offer that."

"Alright. If you get the therapy." The president concedes.

"You've made this too easy. You already have an investigation running, don't you?" Kirk asks.

"Of course we do. You just haven't been let in on it," The presidents snaps. "Not everything in Starfleet runs through you."

"But I can help!"

"Yes. While my predecessor didn't particularly value the investigation I personally see its importance and how you could add to it. Have you even been debriefed?"

"Debriefed? Who the hell would have debriefed me? I've been nagging them for years to listen to me and been snubbed every time. The furthest I've ever got is clearly getting them to open an investigation and look how well that's been going."

"Alright. This is what we're going to do. You are now part of the investigation on the condition that you agree to cooperate with the therapist. She'll be here by tomorrow morning, so that's your first session – that gives you time to sleep and for McCoy to fix you up good as new. Then after that you'll meet the team investigation the illegal and immoral activities of the outer colony planets, and they'll fill you in. Are those acceptable terms?" The president questions.

"Yes," Kirk agrees, not sure if he's pulled off a victory or not (only time will tell). He can tell he's about to be dismissed. But then the president puts her finger to her earpiece (and an interruption now means it must be serious).

"What is it?" Kirk asks, but he has a horrible sinking feeling that he knows what's wrong. The president doesn't waste time. She clearly isn't a bullshitter (in fact he really likes how straight talking she is).

"It's Kodos. He poisoned himself in his cell. He's dead." She says, almost with concern in her voice. She says something else, but Jim can't tell what it is, it's like the whole world has blurred out. Kodos, dead, Kodos, dead. It's all he can think of (that and the burning smell of flesh; his own and that of others, but which is worse?).

Maybe it's the blood loss, or shock, or just shit all catching up (because he hasn't been quite the same since the radiation chamber), but when he sees the ground coming up towards him (he's fainting, like a kid or someone weak on parade, over nothing but some splinters and bad news) he isn't actually that surprised. His last thought before blackness fully clouds his vision is that it really is a shame about the carpet; it's so nice close up (and blood's a bitch to wash out).

Please leave a review letting me know what you think! I'll try to update more quickly this time!