Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all it entails belong to Paramount and whoever else legally owns them. I am making no money from this. I'm just taking some characters that were mistreated and trying to make them a little happier.

AN: Thanks for going along for the ride, and for all the encouragement and critique as I finished my latest crazy idea. Be prepared for bits of angst and almost sickening sweetness. I went totally mature, and totally honest, on this one. And it's only barely M, but you can never be too careful with ffn. Just enjoy! And reviews are always appreciated.

In Hindsight

By Lady Callista

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"Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to."

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Chapter 8: Trust

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Oh, who was she kidding? If it hadn't been for all the outside concerns and internal fears, they would have been together for years now. Without her personal fears, she would have allowed herself to let nature take its course. With no outside concerns, there would have been no reasons to fight the sparks of attraction between them. They would have built to an inferno long before today.

And now she knew what his lips felt like when they covered hers. Now she knew what it felt like to be held in his arms, to be pulled against a hard, aroused male body for the first time in almost longer than she could remember. And it felt even more amazing than it had in her dreams.

Kathryn let her fingers slide up to trace over his tattoo. Her eyes traced over his face for a moment, tracing the forehead lines she knew so well she could have drawn them in her sleep, getting caught by the deepness of his dark eyes as they burned into hers. She brought her fingers down to slide just the tips of them across his lips, and felt her eyes widen and her hand freeze when he kissed her fingertips. The sweetness of it was so completely like him, and so completely perfect, that it was like the straw that tipped the scales.

Not that there was really any choice. As he had said earlier about deciding about whether or not to stay, it wasn't really a choice. She had been lost from the moment their lips touched, and she knew it.

She really did know what she wanted, had known for years, and for the first time the fear and panic didn't rise along with the rush of feelings. The love in his eyes made it seem the easiest thing in the world when she whispered breathlessly, "I love you."

Kathryn's eyes widened at the wealth of emotions she saw run through his, and had barely caught her breath when he closed the distance between their lips and kissed her, this time with less tenderness and more passion.

Chakotay felt his control snap as she whispered those three words to him, and the hand on her side slid to her back again, crushing her against his chest. His other hand slid up into her hair, running his fingers through it briefly as he had wanted to for so long before he clasped the back of her neck, tracing her lips with the tip of his tongue, relishing the taste of wine and woman as she opened her mouth to him. Her tongue was just as eager as his, and her hands held him with a strength that bordered on desperation, showing years of repression and longing.

The roaring sound going through Kathryn's head reached a crescendo as the hand on the back of her neck fisted in her hair, pulling gently but firmly, tilting her head so his lips could travel over her cheek and down her neck before moving back up to nibble on her ear. It was all she could do to hold his shoulders more tightly as she felt her knees go weak, and that loss of control and show of vulnerability sent the panic shooting through her once again.

It took him a few seconds to realize that the hands on this shoulders had shifted from clinging to pushing, and he pulled his mouth from her neck with a gasp even as he took a half-step back, forcing his arms to release her. "Kathryn, what…."

Kathryn caught his hands in hers as they released her, trying to read beyond the worry that had come into his eyes and see the love. "I need you to tell me again." She took a deep breath, trying to push the panic aside.

Confusion compounded the worry. "I love you."

"No, not that. I… I know that." She shook her head rapidly. "Tell me again it won't change. Tell me you can see me like this and still be my first officer."

"Oh, Kathryn." All the confusion, worry, and fear vanished under a rush of love and understanding. She wasn't just a little worried about showing her vulnerability to someone under her command, she was absolutely terrified of it. He squeezed both of her hands lightly before raising them to his lips and kissing her knuckles lightly, his eyes warm and steady on her own. "You know that I can. Deep down you know it, or you never would have trusted me this far. You wouldn't have let me kiss you if you thought I wouldn't respect you in the morning."

She chuckled at that, as he had intended, and pulled her hands gently from his, letting one hand come to rest over his heart and the other cup his cheek The humor mixed with patience in his voice chased all of the panic away. It was a tone she had heard more times than she could remember, and it brought back all the reasons she was in love with this amazing man. It brought back every time he had trusted her with his life, and she had saved him. It brought back every time she had trusted him with her ship, and he had saved it. She trusted him with her ship, her crew, and her life. She would never find someone more worthy of being trusted with her heart, fears, and vulnerabilities. She was smiling fully as she questioned with a lilt in her voice, "But will I still respect you?"

His grin widened, dimples flashing as she teased him. He teased back as he let his hands come to rest warmly on her hips, thumbs brushing up and down gently. "Well, I can't promise that I won't picture you naked at least once or twice during our next duty shift, but I promise to never let it happen while we're at red alert."

Kathryn burst into surprised laughter, dropping her forehead onto his chest for a second before moving back just enough to eye him from head to toe with a mischievous look in her eyes. "I can't promise not to picture you naked either."

Chakotay saw the hint of fear still in her eyes, behind the teasing, and let his voice turn serious once again. "Kathryn, it's not a matter of me separating the captain from the woman. You're both to me, you have been for a very long time now. No…it's not that you're both, it's just that both are the same. You're a beautiful woman, a loyal friend, and an amazing captain. You're just you. I can laugh and tease you about how you can't program a replicator, yet not doubt in the slightest that you can get this ship out of any difficulty we run into. I can stare into your beautiful eyes over a glass of wine at night, and the next morning watch them glare at me in frustration when I object to some crazy plan you want to try."

"Chakotay…" Her heart was melting at the sweetness of his words, and at how he was so perfectly addressing fears she wasn't even able to express. She trailed off as she felt his fingertips come to rest lightly on her lips, and saw the glint come into his eyes even as he continued speaking evenly

"And I can kiss you tonight, and still take your orders tomorrow." He couldn't help the sensual tone from sliding into his voice, nor could he stop it from getting huskier as he whispered, "I can fulfill one of the many dreams I've had for years, the first one, the one with you stretched out beautiful and naked and underneath me. I can learn all the secret places that make your body sing, and I can watch your face as I make you lose yourself in passion."

Kathryn felt her breath hitch as his eyes flared with desire, and she stopped breathing for a moment as some of her own dreams flew into her mind.

"And tomorrow, I can sit next to you on the bridge. I can be the amazing first officer I've always been," His grin turned cheeky, "And no one but you or I will know that tonight you let me take control. Or that you showed me a whole new definition of serving under you, whichever way this goes."

She laughed again, she couldn't help it. The panic was completely gone, and her heart was bursting with the love she could no longer contain. "Which of those two do you want?"

"This is about you." He whispered even as his hands began to trail up and down her sides again, purposely trailing high enough for his thumbs to brush over her full breasts.

"No, it's about us." Kathryn whispered back as she slid his hands up and down his chest before moving hands that were only slightly unsteady to the buttons of his dark green vest and slowly beginning to unbutton them. "I have to let you in, completely, or we'll both end up miserable. And to do that, I have to trust you enough. I have to trust you with everything. And I do."

Now it was his turn to feel his heart stop and his breath catch as he saw nothing but that trust, mixed with love, shining in her eyes. Now the spurt of fear was on his side. "It scares me sometimes, how much I want you. Sometimes in my dreams, the first time is tender and sweet. And sometimes it's so fast and furious it's amazing we don't kill each other. I really need to know what you want, because in the dream, the first time is always amazing and mind-blowing for both of us, and I need the reality to live up to that. For both of us. We need to feel how right and perfect this is; we need to feel why this should be forever."

"It will be perfect, no matter what." Kathryn smiled as she pushed the vest off of his shoulders. He let his arms fall from her for just long enough for the vest to fall to the floor with a quiet plop. "You said all I had to do was let you love me. So do that; show me how much you love me. And be ready to be patient with me if I freeze again."

"We can wait." Chakotay could scarcely believe he had just made that offer over the blood pounding through his veins, but he knew that if waiting was what would make it perfect for her then it was what he would do. "It's been a long and emotional couple of days, Kathryn. We don't have to…"

Her hands went to the buttons of his shirt as she made a gentle shushing sound. "We've been waiting for years. We've more or less been a couple, in every way except for this one. I promise I won't change my mind tomorrow. I won't wake up and look at you, and drown in guilt as I convince myself I made a horrible mistake." She finished unbuttoning his shirt, and let her fingers trail erotically over his bare chest as her voice grew huskier, "I'm through second guessing myself; I just can't do it anymore. And so I'll wake up, and look into the eyes of the man I love. I'll cuddle closer into his chest, and maybe if I'm not too sore we'll share the happiest morning either of us has ever had on Voyager. And then we'll go to work like we always do, and we won't let ourselves be distracted by the amazing night we shared."

"That sounds just about perfect." Chakotay replied, the last word turning to a gasp as she ran her fingernails not altogether gently down his chest. "Except for knowing that no matter what happens tonight, or tomorrow morning for that matter, tomorrow morning will be the happiest moment I've ever had on Voyager. Because tonight all I can think about is how badly I want to be with you. It won't really settle in until I wake up tomorrow, with you still in my arms, that this is forever."

"Forever." The word didn't cause fear or nervousness, but an increase in the fire flowing through her veins. She pushed to her toes once again, glorying in the warm, smooth flesh under her hands as she slid them around his waist to his back, feeling his body tremble as she played her fingernails up and down his spine. "Now kiss me again."

The shreds of control he had been trying to pull back over the last minute vanished in a whirlwind of desire, and a dark, primal part of his brain drank in the gasping sound she made when his hands on her waist jerked her fully against his body even as he moved them sideways, turning at the last second to push her up against the viewport. His mouth covered hers at the same time, and he felt her melt in his arms.

He was kissing her again, sinking into her, and she felt all her muscles relax and her thoughts shimmer with gold. It was such a simple thing, a kiss, such a simple thing to cause such a shifting of reality.

He had skill, and with that skill infinite patience. Yet the shimmer of lust and greed was there in the almost bruising hands clamped on her hips, and the hard length of him pressed against her stomach as his mouth again traversed down her neck to nibble, then bite almost too roughly over the pulsing beat in her neck that echoed her racing heart.

Rather than pain, pleasure coursed through her. Rather than panic, passion erupted.

More clothing hit the floor, and soon a haphazard trail of discarded cloth led into the bedroom.

And for the first time in over six years, Kathryn made love with someone she loved before falling asleep in his arms.

And for the first time in just as long, she knew she wouldn't wake up plagued with guilt and doubt. She would fall asleep happy, and she would wake up that way. Because the guilt and worry were in the past. She couldn't change the things she had done, and she realized she didn't want to anyway. She had done the best she could, and would continue to do so.

Only now she would have the most amazing man she had ever known not just at her side, but in her bed and her heart. Together they could do anything.

The present, and the future they could have together, were all that mattered anymore.

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"I would find myself getting deeply distressed if I lived in hindsight all the time."

-Andrew Lincoln

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THE END