CHAPTER 1

LEAVING

Hurt. Pain. Suffering. Agony. Anguish. Torment. Torture. Misery. Anger.

A few of the many feelings I had when Dimitri uttered the four syllables that had my world crumbling at the edges and shattering in my head. The words had me cornered, mocking me in my weak state of mind and body as I attempted to control the quivers and shakes my trembling form. My ribs crashed down onto my lungs making it impossible to breathe. My insides were clenching and tensing harshly as I began to try to breathe out of my mouth. Tears burned the back of my eyes as I tried to keep the waves at bay. His words ~so simple, yet so devastatingly destructive~ jumbled in my head, refusing to give me a sliver of hope of ever stopping. Love fades, Mine has. My head begins to throb as it processes the words aimed at me; aimed at my heart. Words meant to cause me pain, and make me hurt. Words that were harsh and cruel.

I had left the church quickly, my back stiff and my chin up. I refuse to let him see the inner turmoil that he had caused. I forced every emotion from my face and put on a peppy smile and pretended not to care. I wanted to hurt him. Call him a weak, selfish man. A man who didn't even thank the person that planned for his return. The person that actually gave a damn what happened to the bastard. I wanted to hit him and cuss at him. To wring his neck. I wanted to inflict the pain on him that he had on me. But in the end, I left. I didn't say a damn thing to him. I had nothing to say. I walked quickly through the court and made my way towards my building. I hurtled myself up to my room, making sure to lock the door. I didn't even want Lissa to come up here. But then again why would I?

Lissa. Anger bubbled up inside of me. Dimitri wasn't thanking me, he was thanking someone who wouldn't have given a second thought about him. Someone who, at first, hadn't given him a thought in the world. I could feel through the bond that she was looking for me. And she was irritated at me for daring to talk to Dimitri. My teeth grit in anger at her. I threw my fist through the wall, my fist screaming in pain, but I couldn't stop. I kept going, laying more holes in the walls around me. "Fucking eighteen," I snarled angrily at the ceiling, "and in love with a Russian that doesn't seem to care anymore! If your real, could you, for once, point me in the right fucking direction, and give me a fucking break!" The ending was a loud yell that more than enough people probably heard.

I quickly made my way out of my room and out of the building. It was raining fat droplets of rain onto my head that soaked me quickly and effectively. I made my way towards one of the many ornate buildings that littered the streets of the Court, ducking my way into a door. Inside, oil lamps glowed softly, giving the calming effect. The air was thick with dust and dirt, making me wrinkle up my nose in distaste. I peered around, wondering where the hell I was, and if I was even allowed to be here, but as I think about, I could give less fucks about if I was allowed to be here or not, all I wanted to do was try my best to calm down and avoid Lissa. The bookshelves that covered the walls signaled that I had stumbled across a library. I sighed with small relief as I plopped down on a small sofa. Lissa would never look in here, particularly because there were no reason for me being in here.

I cradled my head in my hands and screamed a silent scream of heartbroken pain. Dimitri no longer loved me; didn't want anything to do with me. All he wanted was to protect Lissa. Even though I was her guardian, protecting Lissa was the last thing on my mind right now. I wanted him to love me, but it was obvious that he no longer cared. Needles prickled at my skin as his words returned to my mind, bouncing around in my head.

Love fades, Mine has.

Love fades, Mine has.

Love fades, Mine has.

Dimitri's voice went from calm and quiet to harsh and loud. Screaming and yelling. It was loud. So very loud. *STOP!* I scream inside my head, trying my damndest to silence his voice. And it worked, because from that moment on, I didn't hear a peep.

I wanted to make him love me, make him feel what I felt for him. But I couldn't do that. Even if I was a Moroi and could use compulsion like Lissa does, I couldn't make him. It would be a lie, and, dammit, I was tired of living a life of lies. For the last few years, I have pretended, and I was pretty fucking tired of saying, "I'm fine." when I clearly wasn't. I was tired of being strong for people who didn't give a damn about me, or how I felt about anything. I was tired of pushing my own feelings aside for the sake of others. I couldn't repress my emotions anymore. It's beginning to kill me. They were becoming so raw. They were beginning to rush to the surface, about to burst through my battered and bruised skin.

"Rose?"

I snap my head up, afraid. I wasn't calm yet, and if it was Lissa, I don't think I could control myself to not harm her. "Hi." I gritted out through clenched with a sarcastic smile. She sat down on the sofa opposite from me, placing the books she was carrying on the table in front of us while taking in my form cautiously. I glared at her in my head for looking at me the way she was looking at me. Like I was an untamable beast that had to be cared for carefully and cautiously. It made me even more angrier. I knew I looked a mess. My hair was straggly, and I was soaked. And my face was probably flushed from all the anger I've been feeling.

"You know Lissa's looking for you, right?" Tasha told me, causing a wave of resentment wash over me, even though I fought it tooth and nail. All Lissa wanted was to do was yell at me and fight with me. "I know." I growled as I stood up and began to pace. My fists began to clench and unclench, my nails digging into my hands. "All Lissa wants to do is fucking yell at me anymore! I haven't done a damn thing to her, but be the best fucking friend she could fucking ask for and what is my payment?! A fucking bitch that should hold her tongue before she gets herself hurt!" I snarled loudly. Tasha looked at me calmly.

To my surprise, she smiled. Her face, though covered and twisted with scars, lightened considerably. "Fair enough. I'm just happy you weren't hiding from her. Then I would've been a little pissed with you. Also, is your favorite cuss word fuck, or are you just angry?" I smiled lightly and said, "I'm pissed." She nodded. Suddenly, I felt guilty. I had done nothing but judge this woman, treated her as competition when in reality, there was no competition, because he doesn't want me, and I'm beginning to think he never wanted me. That I was just a play thing that he could fuck with until he was done with me. Tears burn at the back of my eyes at the thought.

But here she was, talking to me when my best friend wanted to rip me to shreds. "Well," she sighed, "I've got to leave you, Rose! I've got a meeting on the other side of Court in thirty minutes, and I think if I miss another one, Akando might just have my head!" She got up and stretched before saying goodbye and walking out and headed to her meeting.

My stomach growled loudly, and I rubbed it lightly. "Come on big guy," I said softly to my stomach, "let's go get some coffee and a piece of cake!"

Soon enough, I found myself opening the door to the shop and walking into the coffee shop. The bell dinged as I walked in the door and for a brief moment, everyone was looking at me. Most went back to the conversation they were having or coffee they were drinking, but malicious emerald eyes bored into my form as I walked to the café. *Damn!* I thought expectedly. Lissa was here. Not only that, but she was alone, without Dimitri, Christian, or even Eddie. They wouldn't be there to stop me if I got to angry with her; if I felt the urge to beat her within an inch of her life.

Her eyes darkened ever so slightly as I walked past her table and towards the counter. I got a coffee and a lemon square and sat at a table in the far right corner, as far away from Lissa as I could possibly get without leaving the shop. But I wasn't so lucky as she stalked over to me. "Hey," I said, masking my anger with nonchalance as I forced a smile. Lissa just raised a brow, causing me to clench my fist as I glowered at her in my head. "I've been trying to find you," she replied, her voice too serene to be true.

"Sorry," I smirk, "I've been busy dealing with some things." Lissa narrowed her eyes at me before saying, "I know. You've been busy talking to Dimitri, even though I told you not to." It was my turn to narrow my eyes. "I'm a grown woman, Lissa. I don't have to listen to a damn thing you say. Your not my mother." She placed her cup harshly on the table; the liquid sloshed out of the cup and splattered onto the table.

"I can't believe you that selfish, Rose! You know things have been hard on Dimitri, and yet you still have to go and cause a scene!" My body tensed and my fists clenched as she went on and on about how selfish I am, and how I should be grateful that she changed him back. It was when she started taking the credit for all that had happened was when I snapped. "I dropped out of school and almost didn't graduate for him! I almost gave up the one thing I knew I could achieve for him! I went halfway around the world and nearly died for him! And then I found out a way to bring him back to me. I broke Victor Dashkov out of prison for him. I put my friends' lives in danger for him! And how did he repay me after I accomplished the impossible for him? He gave all the gratitude, all my gratitude, to you. Someone who only had a minimal part in my plan! I did all the real work and he won't even see me, or the truth!" I stood up, my hands flat against the table.

I leaned in, close enough to brush my nose against hers. "All I wanted was for him to love and care for me; to be mine once more...and he refuses to have anything to do with me. Do you know how much that hurts?" Her green eyes glittered with anger, resentment, and disgust. Her next line hit home. "Your nothing but a selfish bitch, Rose. Nothing but an insecure, selfish bitch."

My hand twitched as it burned from the slap I just delivered. Lissa looked at me, shock and fear present in her eyes as we attracted the attention from everybody in the shop. "And you, Lissa Dragomir," I said, voice trembling with malice and hatred, "are nothing but a whiny whore. A whiny, spoilt whore that will throw a tantrum every time she doesn't get what she wants." I turned quickly and rushed out the door and ran towards my building, hoping my suitcase was in there. But before I could make it, I bumped into a white, fleshy body. Black hair and blue eyes clouded my eyesight. "Hey Rose, what's the rush?" spoke Christian sullenly. I ignored him and kept running towards my building. Once I got there I jogged up to my room, and looked under my bed.

Thankfully, my suit case was under it. I yanked it out and opened it up. Then I began throwing clothes into the case until my closet was clear. But before I could start working on my dressers, I heard a knock on my door. "Who is it?!" I yell agitatedly. "Christian." "Come on!" I yelled once more. He walked in and looked at the suitcase. "Where are you going?" He questioned. "Away from here. Away from Lissa and away from Dimitri. I'm so done with Court, and with Moroi, and with Dhampirs. If I don't go somewhere soon, my heads gonna explode, or I'm going to kill Lissa or Dimitri."

"Can I go with you?" I snap my head over towards him in shock. It was when I started to actually note his expression. Sullen and sad. Broken and hurt. Everything I was at the moment. "Belikov keeps hanging around with Liss and I don't ever have time with her. I brought it up and we got into it. In the end, she called me a cold-hearted bastard who couldn't understand what Belikov was going through and I should get the hell out." I looked at him and sighed. I could feel the pain he was most likely feeling right now, and I couldn't just leave him here. "I'm leaving in ten minutes. If you can get all your shit together within that time limit, you can go with. I'll probably be going to Russia to visit some friends, so think while your packing."

He nodded and rushed out of the room before closing the door.

Once I got all my things together, I took out a blank piece of paper. I figured if I wasn't going to say goodbye in person, I should write a note. If you are reading this, I have left court, and I have taken Christian with me. Do not try to find and/or contact us. We do not want to be found. When Christian came back, I did a final sweep of the room and pulled my duffel onto my shoulder. We left quickly and efficiently.