Shepard's Shame

By: Light-Eco-Sage

Rated: Mature for dark themes and romance (FemShep/Garrus).

Summary: A Paragon Shepard makes the most difficult choice of her life. "When it came right down to it, my own damn life meant more to me than the entire rest of the galaxy." Based on the Perfect Ending. Reapers destroyed/Shepard lives.

Disclaimer: Mass Effect is owned by Bioware.

LES: Based on my Shepard, who is much more Paragon than Renegade. But the only ending that allows Shepard to live is the Renegade option: destroy the Reapers plus destroy all synthetic life in the galaxy. This is the story of how my Shepard felt about that. For the reader's sake, I'll use Commander Shepard's default name instead of the one I actually picked. But the appearance will be my Shepard.

It was so hard seeing his beloved like this.

He had believed that nothing could be worse than when she was first pulled out of the rubble, alive but heavily wounded and in a coma. But that was nothing compared to the state that she was in now.

Commander Shepard had woken up days previously, but not all of her had returned. It was like her mind was still shut down. She just laid there on the bed, staring endlessly into space. She didn't react to anyone's presence… not the crew, not her mother… not even Garrus'.

It was difficult because no one knew what had happened inside the Citadel. All that knew was the results… the Reapers were dead, utterly destroyed, and the Mass Relays and all synthetic life along with them. The destruction of the Mass Relays had been devastating to the galaxy. Travel to other systems had pretty much been shut down, because FTL flight was still too slow compared to the vast reaches of the galaxy. No one was sure yet, but the death toll from the war was being counted in the trillions. Plans were all ready being set in motion to build new Mass Relays, but Garrus Vakarian had effectively found himself marooned on Earth. Not that it was too bad… at least he could be by his mate's side… even if she wasn't entirely at his.

Gaining entry into her hospital room had not been easy. None of the staff would let him in based on the fact that he was on her crew, and none of them believed that he was her mate… fiancé… whatever. It was only the timely interruption of Commander Jane Shepard's mother, Admiral Hannah Shepard, that stopped Garrus from busting his way into the hospital, rules be damned.

It turned out that Hannah Shepard knew about his relationship with her daughter, although she did not know that they were to be married. She had gotten the Turian the clearance he needed to be by his mate's side.

His heart fell when he stepped into the brightly lit room, which contrasted with the lifeless eyes of Jane Shepard. Her green eyes held none of the fierce determination that he'd come to love. Her brown hair, normally pulled up into no-nonsense bun, now hung limply around her shoulders.

He moved over to her, took a seat on the chair that was next to her bed, and rested his taloned hand on her limp too-many-fingered hand. As he expected and dreaded, she gave no response that she knew he was even there.

His grip on her hand tightened. "Jane… Jane… please… come back to me." He leaned forward, pressing his face gently against her side. "I don't care what happened after you left. Just… come back to me. Jane. Beloved. Love of my life."

To pass the time, he gave her updates on galactic recovery as he heard of them. Thankfully the comm. buoys were still completely functional. Palaven, like many of the worlds invaded by the Reapers, had its infrastructure ruined. But the Turians, as a whole, had survived. Now the biggest concern was disposing of the massive Reaper corpses so that rebuilding could begin. He'd even gotten word that his father and sister were all right. The Geth were obliterated along with the Reapers. Without the Geth, the Quarians would have a harder time readjusting to their home world. But it was nothing that they were not prepared to do all ready. What hurt the worst was that Legion's sacrifice had meant little now. But Garrus… and all the members of the Normandy's crew would make sure that Legion and the Geth were remembered… even if they had to scream their accomplishments from a mountaintop. The Krogan were doing well. Breeding in impressive numbers. But, under Wrex's firm claws the Krogan were more focused on rebuilding their home world and their race rather than making war on the other races. The Asari had made it through as well. And the Salarians, despite their token resistance. As the only fleet that did not join in on the assault of Reaper forces on Earth, their species was not very popular right now.

But popularity contests meant little. All the organic races had survived in varying degrees of strength.

Garrus finished his update with a sigh. Now came the hard part. "Joker's not taking the loss of EDI very easily. But I think he's going to be all right. He was always stronger than his bones let on."

In truth, Garrus was proud of the way that he was handling himself. As a race, Turians tended to look down on cripples. But Joker had more than proven himself above his disease. He was the best damn pilot in the Alliance… probably in the whole galaxy. And he was a damn good person too.

"He told me to tell you 'hi', by the way." Garrus said. "He also wanted me to tell you that, no matter what, he's behind you one hundred percent… and that there's no one he'd rather have command the Normandy besides you." He gazed at her blank face. "So, god dammit, Jane… you've got to wake up and take your place back on the Normandy."

He leaned down against the bed hopelessly, pressing his face against the sheets. Turians did not cry, but he damn sure felt like he wanted to. He stayed like that, unsure how much time had passed, when he suddenly felt the lightest of touches just under his fringe. The contact was far too intimate to be just anyone. People didn't just touch a Turian in such an intimate place.

Hardly able to believe what he was feeling, he lifted his head up to gaze at her. For the first time in weeks, she was looking at him! Actually looking at him! He could see the recognition in her eyes, even past the haunted look they still carried. "Garrus?" She asked in a rough, hardly used voice.

He moved closer, pulling her into an embrace. "I'm here, love of my life… I'm here for you now."

"Garrus… oh God… what… what happened?" She asked, surrendering herself completely into his arms.

"You did it, Jane. You did it. The Reapers are destroyed. All of them!" Garrus replied.

"So it really…? Oh God…" Jane gasped, going limp in his arms. He tightened his hold on her in alarm. "What have I done?"

"I… assume that you destroyed the Reapers." Garrus said slowly.

"But at what cost? Oh God…" Jane gasped. "What happened to the Synthetics? The Relays?"

"The Relays were destroyed." Garrus said. "But…" He began when he saw the look of horror on her face. "It wasn't nearly as bad as we imagined it would be. They didn't go nova, at least. They couldn't handle the energy from the finished Crucible, and they just sort of… fell apart. They don't function anymore, but there's no reason that we can't rebuild."

"And the Synthetics?"

Garrus sighed. "Destroyed, along with the Reapers."

"EDI?" Jane asked.

"She… she didn't make it." Garrus said.

"Joker…" Jane moaned. "What have I done?" She looked up into Garrus' eyes. "You must hate me so much. All of you."

"Hate you?" Garrus asked, shocked. "Jane Shepard, I could never hate you, and no one feels that way. You stopped the Reapers… saved the galaxy… and even managed to come back to us. We all care for you… even Joker. He'd tell you the same thing if he could be here."

"But you don't know what it was like up there!" Jane yelled. "You don't know what a horrible person I am… what I did!" She pressed her hands to her forehead.

"Then tell me. Tell me what happened."

"You'll hate me afterwards."

"I told you before, Shepard. I could never hate you. I love you so much. So much." He whispered, brushing his lip plates against her soft lips. Turians normally did not kiss, but it was a practice that he enjoyed with her. She had taught him so much… about himself and about love. Nothing she could ever do would make him turn his back on her. He knew he couldn't.

Jane sighed against his mouth, but there was no passion in the contact. Just reassurance. And she was glad to have it. Her heart was so heavy with the terrible deed she had done, and she needed someone to know the full extent of her perversion. Garrus was, perhaps, the only one that might understand.

"Right up until the moment when I stood in front of the Catalyst, I knew that I was going to destroy the Reapers. There was simply no other way. My heart and mind were both set."

"The entire galaxy was set." Garrus whispered to her.

"But, when I actually stood there… the choice was so hard. And there were choices, Garrus. None of them were good… but some were better than others."

"I know that you chose the best one." Garrus said confidently.

"Did I? Did I really?" Jane asked. "I could have followed in the Illusive Man's steps. He could not have controlled the Reapers. He was all ready indoctrinated. But I could have. I could have given my life to control them and the war would be over."

"Don't let the Illusive Man poison you." Garrus said. "Control was not the answer. We all knew that. Even their own creators could not control them."

"There was another option. Synergy." Jane said. "I could have given my life to meld organics and synthetics together. That… that was the best choice. But when it came right down to it, I balked!" She met his eyes, tears flowing down her face. "Do you see, Garrus? I wanted to live. I wanted to live so badly. The other two options were certain death, but with destroying the Reapers there was at least a small chance of survival… at the cost of every synthetic life form in the galaxy. I've always tried to be a good person, to put the needs of the many before the needs of the few. I've given up and sacrificed so much. But, when it came right down to it, my own fucking life meant more to me than the whole damn galaxy! Oh God, what sort of person have I become? How many were killed during this war? How many died in the assault? How many synthetics were killed as a direct result of my actions? Am I the hero that I've always tried to be, or am I the worst mass murderer in the history of the galaxy?"

"I know that you had to make an impossible choice, and that you made one." Garrus answered. "And I know that the rest of the galaxy considers you a hero. I hear the Alliance is even trying to invent a medal with higher honors than even the Star of Terra to give to you. And the Council? They feel badly enough about not listening to you in the first place that you could probably get them to declare the day of the invasion a holiday… call it Commander Shepard Day." He leaned closer to her. "And I know that you came back to me, despite everything. How could I ever resent anything that brought us together… gave us more time to live our dream?"

"I don't feel like a hero right now." Jane said, leaning into him.

"I know. But, remember, when all is said and done… it's possible that you saved more lives than were destroyed. The numbers aren't all in yet. And, Jane?" He gently ran his talon down her cheek. "You don't have to tell the truth about what happened in the Crucible if you don't want to. Everyone knew that you were going there to destroy the Reapers, and that's exactly what happened. You don't have to tell anyone about the other choices, or that you knew that destroying the Reapers would lead to the end of synthetic life. It can stay just between the two of us."

Jane Shepard had to admit to herself, but the idea of just keeping her shame between herself and Garrus was highly tempting. But, still, she could not in good conscious say that it was just between them. Certainly, she wasn't ready to admit to everyone what had happened, but there were a few who deserved her trust as much as Garrus did. "We can keep it a secret from the general public." She said. "But I have to tell my crew… especially Joker. He deserves to know the truth about what happened to EDI and why."

"Oh… that reminds me…" Garrus said. "I had promised your mother that I would send a message if you woke up while I was with you." He opened his Omni-tool, typing a quick message.

"My mother?"

"Yes. Admiral Hannah Shepard served with distinction in the battle above Earth. Since then, we've both been in and out of your hospital room, basically taking turns watching over you. Your mother is a very nice woman, Jane, and I'm glad that I've got to meet her. Although I had hoped that you would be at my side to back me up when I did."

"I'm sorry, Garrus." Jane said. "Yes, send a message to my mother. And to Joker too. I'll talk to him before I talk to the rest of the crew."

"Whatever you desire, love of my life." Garrus replied.

The reunion between mother and daughter was heart-felt and emotional. Hannah Shepard was just glad to have her daughter back, caring little for the whys and wherefores of her survival. It brought to Garrus' mind the memories of his own family, family that he'd certainly not see again until the Mass Relays were up and running again. Jane caught the look on Garrus' face and asked if there were any news about his family.

Of course, she didn't remember their long hours of talks, so he quickly summed up what he knew about the situation of the galaxy, with Hannah Shepard filling in some more of the blanks.

When Hannah Shepard left, Joker arrived. Garrus stepped out of the room to give them some privacy, but he could still hear the Commander's soft-spoken words and Joker fighting to control his emotions. When she finished, Joker nodded. "EDI knew the risks of the mission, the same as all of us. I think she would have gladly sacrificed herself for the good of the galaxy."

"I'm so sorry, Joker. Are you okay?" Jane asked.

"No, I'm not. But I will be. Thanks for telling me this, Commander." He said as he slowly limped out of the room. Garrus stepped back into the room and pulled his beloved into an embrace.

The meeting with the whole crew went a lot better than the solo meeting with Joker. Garrus had managed to round everyone up, and they met in the privacy and security of Commander Shepard's room. Her ground team. Her trusted friends, each and every one of them. Each one of them willingly marooned on Earth just to make sure that she was okay.

After all, the Dreadnaughts had the power to travel the distance between Relays, and they certainly could have gotten lifts, but they hadn't.

They all listened silently as their Commander confessed about what had really happened inside the Crucible. When she was finished, there was silence for a few moments. If they disapproved of what she'd done at all, they didn't give any outward sign of it.

Finally, Tali sighed. "Everyone else in this room is thinking it… I'm just saying it." She stepped closer to Jane and took her hand. Jane smiled. She had always liked the Quarian a great deal… practically considered the young alien to be a younger sister to her. "Those other options might have led to fewer casualties than destroying the Reapers, but they were even more flawed. I would never want you to choose them."

"Indeed." Liara agreed.

"But…" Commander Shepard began.

"The galaxy needs you, Jane Shepard." Tali said. "You are the reason that we won this war, no one else. You have bound our races closer together than we ever realized possible. You were the one who made peace between my people and the Geth after centuries of war and conflict."

"And you brought an end to the conflict between the Krogan and my people." Garrus said. "A conflict that has been raging for fifteen hundred years."

"The Asari leadership listens to you when you speak." Liara commented. "You gave the word, and hundreds were willing to sacrifice themselves for you on Thessia."

"You put Cerberus down and did not stoop to their level doing so." Miranda commented.

"What we mean to say is that… you won this war, Shepard. You are the reason that any of us is still alive. And we will always be grateful to you for it." Tali finished.

"And anyone who says that you are anything less than a hero will have to face the might of the Krogans." Wrex commented. "I'd like to see anyone talk badly of you when faced down with an angry Krogan."

"What we mean to say is, if you wish for this to remain a secret, than that's what we shall do." Samara said softly. "As far as the rest of the galaxy is concerned, the only option was the destruction of the Reapers and the destruction of synthetics was unfortunate and unforeseeable collateral damage."

"Thank you… thank you all so much." Shepard said, small tears running down her eyes.

"So, how long are you going to be stuck in this hospital, Lola?" James asked.

"Well, my body's pretty much healed, but I do need some physical therapy to get back up to strength. And they want me to do a psych eval. Apparently being in a coma while awake concerns them." She answered. "But once those are done, I'll be free to go."

"And then what?" Tali asked.

Jane Shepard sent a little smile towards Garrus, and he returned it. "Oh, I think I'll see if saving the whole galaxy could be considered grounds for an honorable discharge, retire from the military, move somewhere warm and tropical, living off royalties from the vids. And maybe even see what a human-turian baby looks like."

This was met by silence from the crew and a soft laugh from Garrus at hearing his words repeated back at him.

"Too much information, Jane." James said. "Definitely too much information."

Commander Jane Shepard, the acknowledged hero of the galaxy, retired shortly after the destruction of the Reaper fleet. She and Garrus Vakarian were married in both human and Turian traditions. His family could not attend in person, but a priority vid-link had been set up so that they could watch the proceedings.

After they were married, they set up a household in the warm, tropical place that they wanted. Their home was small and private, and the exact location was known only to a few people, ensuring their privacy.

Within five years, the Mass Relays had been repaired. By that time, Garrus and Jane Vakarian had learned for certain that it was impossible for a human and a Turian to breed, so they used the lanes of opened space travel to turn to adoption.

Many children had been orphaned in the aftermath of the Reaper War, and orphanages were desperate to find places for them all. So they had no problem considering an inter-species couple as a client.

Garrus and Jane raised several adopted children over the years. Most of the children were human or Turian, but there were a few other species thrown into the mix in later years.

The Mass Relays also allowed them to permanently relocate from Earth. After visiting his family on Palaven after having not seen them for years, they settled down on a Turian-controlled colony, still warm and tropical, and spent the rest of their years in comfort, peace, and love.

The secret of what happened inside the Crucible was never revealed to anyone outside of the Normandy's crew, a secret that they all took to their graves. Because of this, Commander Shepard was remembered as the true hero that she was.

LES: Well, I hope you liked it!