10

Chapter Fourteen

It seemed as if Abby's words were true, most of the time. With her help, with the support of his medical team, along with his family and NCIS support teams, Tim's condition improved, and this time he did much better psychologically. Abby and Ducky persuaded him to see a therapist, and Rachel Cranston was called in, she had been shocked to see Tim's physical weakness, but after talking with him for a short time and reading a brief summary of his medical notes she had a simple answer to Ducky's question regarding Tim's current status.

"I'm sure it wouldn't be breaking confidentiality to tell you I'm not surprised he's had several meltdowns, given his injuries, the infection and its attendant delirium, the only surprise is he hasn't had a complete mental breakdown." She glanced toward Tim's room, where Abby was sitting in the chair beside his. "I guess I don't have to look far for the reason he's stayed the right side of sanity."

"Abigail has been his rock, even when...when we feared we would lose him, she would hold on to him, sometimes it felt as if she was afraid to let him go in case he lost his hold on life."

"She could have been right Doct...Ducky. We still don't fully understand everything about the mental processes following traumatic injuries and extended ICU stays, but one thing most studies agree on, having loved ones close can be the difference between life and death." She gave a smile that had Ducky's breath catching in his throat, when Rachel did that she looked so much like dear Caitlyn. "When I did the team psych evaluations, I knew there was something between those two; even I didn't imagine it was something as powerful as this..."

"They had only just reconnected when Timothy was given the undercover assignment, rather charmingly they didn't think anyone knew they were together..."

Rachel threw her head back and laughed. "Seriously? With Gibbs around, they thought they could hide it?"

"Indeed...at least they have no need of artifice any longer, everyone knows and everyone is delighted for them. Doctor Cranston, I was so relieved when you agreed to see our young man; he's been through so many changes of late, I felt it was vital for his mental well-being that his psychologist was someone he knew, and trusted."

"Please call me Rachel Ducky, there was never any doubt I'd take on his case, it will be an honour to help him...he's a remarkable man, yet he seems totally unaware of the impact he has on people around him."

"Our Timothy has turned self-effacement into an art form; however, I think a certain forensic scientist of our acquaintance will leave him in no doubt as to his importance."

"Good; I understand his parents are leaving in two days, when they go Tim will rely on her even more, on all of you. He's doing well taking into consideration what he's been through; but make no mistake Ducky, he's vulnerable, don't expect it to be plain sailing from here on in."

There had been occasional bouts of rough weather during the early days following Tim's release from the hospital. He and Abby stayed at Ducky's; the ME supervised his continued medication, and there were regular visits to his physical therapist, but Tim was anxious and almost fearful. Rachel had warned them this might happen; much as he'd wanted to leave Bethesda Tim had subconsciously come to regard the hospital as his safe haven, a cocoon of round the clock care. Going out into the world; even the comfortable and secure part of it that was Ducky's Georgetown home, had left him at times feeling abandoned and without direction.

"I'm being stupid Abby I know, only…when I was in there every minute of my day was accounted for, least on the days when I knew what was happening. There were tests, drugs, meals were all planned for me, visiting times…I had a plan, even if it was one other people had made for me. Now I get choices; what should I wear, what should I eat? Stuff like that should be easy."

"Speak for yourself Tim; I always have trouble deciding what to wear."

Tim smiled despite himself, he knew she was only saying that to make him feel better, and the thing was, he did feel a little better. "You know something Abs; you're the best medicine there is."

"My medicine only works on one patient Tim. You're doing so well; I know you can't always see it, but you have made such great progress. It's only been a month since the shooting, four weeks since you had a machine breathing for you, and look at you now."

She followed her own advice and took a good look at him, at how much he'd changed since he went to work at Inanna. He was thin, way too thin; his eyes always seemed to be ringed by dark circles, his hair had thinned a little, and most worrying of all, he looked troubled…Abby had been told all of these things were normal for someone who had spent so many days in the ICU, particularly after traumatic injuries, and that given time Tim would get into a regular sleep pattern, he'd start to enjoy his food again. As his strength returned his hair would most likely return to normal, and as his physical strength returned it most likely his fears and insecurities would fade away. Abby sat beside him on the couch and leaned her head on his shoulder. "You'll get through this Tim, you have to learn to take things steady and let yourself heal."

"I know you're right, but I want to be like I was before…I hate being a bu…"

"Stop right there Timothy McGee! If you dare say that word I'll…oh Tim, don't think that for one second. You could never do anything to make yourself a burden to me, to any of us…don't you see Tim, we were falling apart when you were so sick, and having you back, it put us back together again."

Tim leaned back and breathed deep and slow, just like Rachel had told him; when things seemed like they were getting too much, take some time out and breathe..."Were things really that bad?"

Abby caressed his face with the gentlest touch. "When you had to go back into surgery, you were already so weak Tim, and they warned us you might not make it...you should have seen them, your family, Gibbs, Tony...Ziva was crying Tim, and Ducky, he looked so old. I tried to tell them you'd pull through, that you wouldn't let them down, but they were scared...don't think I've ever seen Gibbs scared before."

"I didn't know...guess I was out of it for the really bad stuff."

"You were pretty busy Tim, and so far from us..." For a few moments Abby was back at his bedside watching him fight the demons no one else could see, whispering his anguish to the faceless men and women who haunted him. "It was tough watching you struggle, but you were so strong then, and you're strong now, you survived and every day you get better. I know you want to do everything you could before, and you will...but take it slow, and for goodness' sake, let us help you!"

He held on to Abby as she had held on to him during her long vigil at the hospital, and as he did so he regained a sense of calm he hadn't known since he'd taken to the air on that fateful morning.

Tim heeded Abby's words, and accepted that the pace of his recovery had to be slow, and within days he started to feel much better. Giving himself permission to heal Rachel called it; instead of battling against his limitations he accepted them, and by doing so he was able to approach his therapy, both physical and psychological with optimism, and that was an emotion he hadn't felt in the longest time.

A week into this new order Rachel decided Tim was ready to take the next big step on his road to recovery. "Do you remember Ducky telling you about the diary that was kept during your time at the hospital?"

"Yes, he said I should wait to look at it."

Rachel smiled, got up from her chair and walked over to the filing cabinet behind her desk; she unlocked it and took out a binder. "Ducky asked me to keep this safe here; he was worried you might find it before you were ready. Tim, your family and friends have written in here, and they were writing at a very difficult time in all your lives, reading their thoughts can be a very emotional experience, there's also some medical information and pictures..."

There was a sharp intake of breath from Tim. "Pictures? I can see...what I looked like after...?"

She set the binder on her desk and resumed her customary stance opposite her patient. "You don't have to read it, or look at the pictures if you don't want to Tim, not everyone wants to remember..."

He looked beyond her to the binder, then turned to her with a slightly nervous smile. "I'm ready I think, maybe I should sleep on it to be sure."

"I think that's an excellent idea Tim, I also don't want you looking at this alone; you can read it here and I'll stay with you, or you can read it at home, but have someone with you, and don't try reading it in one go, that would be too much."

The next morning found him sitting at the table in Ducky's light and airy kitchen, it was a Saturday and neither Ducky or Abby had been called in to work.

"Timothy, we don't have to do this right now, the diary is yours, we can look at it whenever you wish."

"I want to start now, it's just..." Tim took a deep breath and opened the binder.

It took most of the weekend to get through the diary, Abby and Ducky didn't leave him alone during the reading process, but a few times Tim had to walk away, literally get out of the house and walk until he regained his composure and was able to continue reading. He hadn't been sure what to expect but the intensity of the emotions written on those pages had taken him by surprise.

Penny had been first to write, and Tim had almost abandoned reading before he got started when he saw the blotches on the page caused by his grandmother's tears. 'You have always been so brave Timothy and so strong, to go against your father took such courage. Show us that strength now, fight for me, for all of us, we love you.'

He'd been able to look at the pictures, and with Ducky's help he'd come to understand what all the machines were for, and why his body changed the way it did. "It's like looking at a stranger, I don't know how you could all sit there looking at..."

"At a very dear friend who was very sick." Ducky pointed to the picture Tim was staring at so intently. "You were suffering a reaction to the medication, such swelling...it is unpleasant, but very temporary, we didn't care what you looked like, just as long as you were recovering."

"It's so...unreal Ducky, all this, I know it happened to me, but it seems like I wasn't even there..."

"Only to be expected, given your physical injuries and the mental confusion. These diaries are such a good idea, not just for the patient, but for those of us who were watching and waiting. Talking through our fears can be uncomfortable, but writing down our thoughts...you see Timothy, you are not the only one who has been through traumatic times."

Tim was coming to see that, the more he read the more he became deeply affected by what was written in those pages. His mother's heartfelt wish that she could take away Tim's pain and bear it herself; Sarah's outpouring of childhood memories, of times when her big brother came to her rescue, of the love she felt for him that she too often kept to herself. Most surprising of all, his dad wrote of regrets for things said in haste and things left unsaid for far too long, of his desire to get to know his son again and to let him know how proud he was of Tim's career choice. It was after reading his dad's entry that Tim took the first of his walks; it wasn't to be his last.

If he'd been half expecting the high emotion from his family, and from Abby, he had been overwhelmed by the honesty and openness of his colleagues. They meant a lot to each other, he knew that, but to see the depth of their feelings had humbled him, he'd expected some light relief from Tony, but instead he got the inner thoughts of a man who often hid them away for fear of revealing too much of himself. 'I know people have said we're like a family, and I guess I took us for granted, figuring we'd always be together, least until Gibbs finally retires for good. Only you might be leaving us now, it can't happen Tim, if I thought it would work I'd tell you I don't give you permission to die, but it's out of my hands, you look so sick, and the sound of the ventilator is starting to send me crazy, come on Tim, breathe for yourself, don't go, I can't do this job without you. I promise...I was going to write I promise if you live I'll quit ragging on you, problem is I could never keep that promise, but you already know that, sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself. You have to stick around, keep me on the straight and narrow, and one day I'm pretty sure you'll be the one giving the orders, not just to your own team either. I haven't been much for praying since my mom died, but I'm praying now Tim, stay with us.'

There was one big question that occurred to him over and over as he read the diary, should he talk about what had been written with the people who'd put their innermost thoughts on paper, had they been thinking he wouldn't live to read them, that they'd stay hidden forever? He broached the subject with Ducky, who as always had a wise solution to the problem.

"Why not let them make the first move, they know you are reading the diary this weekend, if they want to talk, let them, but don't be first to bring up the subject, it could be that you are right. I certainly have absolutely no problem discussing what I entered in the diary, my feelings have not changed. I would be bereft if anything were to happen to you, to any of you...we see too much death Timothy and we lose too many who are close to us, but each time it takes something from us, something we can never get back. Had you died, had I seen your body on my table...oh my dear boy I do not think I would have been able to do it again, to cut open a person who means the world to me." Ducky's eyes filled with tears, Tim reached into his pocket for a handkerchief and handed it to his friend.

"Hey Ducky..."

"I'm alright Timothy, just a foolish old man who cries too easily."

"Never foolish, and you're the youngest 'old man' I ever knew. Tears are good, that's one thing I know, bottling things up gets you all screwed up inside, I've used up a lot of Kleenex since I woke up, and I'm guessing I'll be using a few more before this weekend is done."

'They have tried to explain to us what the machines do, how they are helping to keep you alive, and I thank God for them. I do not want to imagine how different your life would have been if the paramedics had not been on hand, without Sean Elwood's foresight you may not have reached Bethesda. Bethesda...it is a wonderful word to me, when I was a young girl my mother told me of the miracles of healing which took place at the healing pool in Jerusalem. I thank God you were strong enough to get here my friend, now you will bathe in the healing waters and return to us, Be'ezrat HaShem...God willing.'

Abby handed Tim another tissue, and he took it with a watery smile on his face. "Guess I wasn't joking when I told Ducky I'd need plenty of these, Ziva...she doesn't say much about her childhood..."

"Only when it's important Tim, she lost her own siblings and I think we come close to replacing them, you know how much she hates hospitals, but she came every day, even if the team had been working late on a case, she always came to say hi, hold your hand."

"I was so lucky Abs, through all this, to have you there, my family, my friends...you most of all...I'd have been lost without you."

She shook her head vigorously. "No way, you think Gibbs was going to let you go without a fight? You saw what he put in there, he meant it too."

"I had no idea, working like we do, almost living together sometimes; you don't always notice how people see you..."

'You won't die Tim, you can't, simple as that. You're the fulcrum of this team, and I don't mean the computer stuff. We can't get along without what you can do, but more important than that, we can't get along with who you are. Tony and Ziva can take things to extremes, me too...You keep us from tipping over, you sit there typing away and we almost forget you're there, then you look at one of us, or raise your eyebrows, gets us back on track, don't make us do this without you, I'm not so sure we could do it. I know it's asking a lot, but get through this for us, and I'm going to say the magic word, please Tim, you have to make it, please.'

Tim put down the diary and held her close, for long moments nothing was said, then he broke the silence. "Abby...in the diary, you never once doubted I'd survive, even Gibbs wasn't sure, but you...how could you be so sure?"

Abby wouldn't tell him of the almost hysterical tears she would shed any time she escaped to the ladies room, or went for a solitary walk in the gardens at the hospital, those moments of weakness were for her alone until he was much, much stronger. "I...I had a few moments of doubt Tim, mostly because I was so scared I'd lost you just when we were starting to be so good together. But when I was sitting with you, I knew you wouldn't leave us, you're my heart and soul Tim, and I just knew you wouldn't go, not without a fight, and I figured just in case you weren't strong enough right then to fight alone, I'd be there whenever you needed me."

He whispered low, words he hoped wouldn't have Abby running from him. "I...I think I'm going to need you for a long, long time Abs."

Tim was rewarded with a megawatt smile, and a kiss that took his breath away. When Abby released him she smiled again. "It's about time we figured out we need each other Tim, are you ready to try...not friends...I want more, if you're ready?"

"I'm ready for anything when I have you, it won't be all roses and sunshine, I still have a way to go...not sure I'm even ready for...you know, the physical side of things...I'm so scared of taking things too fast."

"I keep telling you Tim, when you're ready; I'm willing to wait...anyhow, right now, kissing you is excitement enough for me, everything else will happen when we're ready. Now, you look tired, I think it's time for some supper, and bed."

NCIS NCIS

There were two more events that accelerated Tim's recovery; the first took place a few days after he'd completed the diary. Tim decided he wanted to go back to Bethesda and offer his personal thanks to the people who had worked so hard to keep him alive.

It was good to put names and faces to the people who had aided his recovery, and as Tim moved from the ER to the ICU with Abby making the introductions, he noticed her slightly anxious expression. "I'm fine Abs, don't look so worried. The doctors and nurses worked so hard to help me, and before today all they were to me...well, let's just say I didn't realise they were helping."

"I can't imagine how scary those days must have been for you Tim, so many people probing and prodding; no wonder you thought they were torturing you."

"Hard to believe I could think that now, when you see the great work they do here, I owe them my life."

Tim tried to offer his thanks to the team in the ICU, but the doctor wouldn't hear of it. "You survived Tim, and it looks like you're getting your life back, believe me, that's all the thanks we need."

The other event was a surprise and as he was driven through the streets of DC on a bright, cold November morning Tim started to get the first inklings of where they may be headed. Sure enough Gibbs pulled onto the makeshift parking lot of the Inanna test site. Tim started to feel a little anxious; he'd had a visit from Lucy Brogan and Richie, and they were full of praise for the part Tim played both in saving Richie from Lockhart, and also in helping Richie come to terms with losing his dad, and maybe gaining a step-dad. But the other Inanna employees...he hadn't felt able to look them in the eye, he'd lied to them, pretended to be someone he wasn't, if they rejected him because of his deception..."Boss, I'm not so sure this is a good idea."

"Then it's lucky I haven't asked your opinion, they're running the new DoD inspection flight today, and we wanted to see some jetpack action, figured you might too."

Tim held on tight to the seat and breathed deep and slow, this was a bad idea, why would they make him come out here when he wasn't ready?

"You can let go now Tim, no one's going to hurt you." Abby was starting to think this hadn't been such a good idea after all, but David Oster had practically begged them to get Tim along.

"Don't worry Abs, I'm not having flashbacks, I'm not sure I'll be welcome here."

Tony pulled open the door. "Only one way to find out McFlyboy, Ziva, did you get the blanket from the trunk?"

She held up the woollen blanket as confirmation. "I have it Tony, do not worry McGee, we will see that you do not get cold."

Tim had to smile, here he was worried about having his butt kicked by people he'd lied to on a daily basis, and the team was fearful of him catching a chill. "Okay guys, let's get this over with."

They walked carefully over the uneven ground and before they were through the gate and in the site area proper a cry rang through the air. "He's here, everyone, Tim's here!"

Before he'd gone three more steps Tim was surrounded by Inanna personnel, lab techs, mechanics, admin staff, all of them with big smiles on their faces, Tim was speechless; they looked happy to see him, after all he'd done to them, was it possible they didn't hate him?

"Timothy McGee, welcome to the latest Inanna jetpack demonstration, we have a place reserved for you, and you friends." Sean Elwood beckoned to Tim and his friends to follow, and Tim took another deep breath when he saw the front row was reserved for them.

He looked at Sean and at last a smile dared to cross Tim's face. "I thought...after what happened, I thought you'd never want to see me again."

Sean took a step back. "Are you kidding me? You saved Richie, found out who killed Chris Preston, stopped Lockhart trying to steal our secrets, helped us refine the pack. Heck Tim, you almost died because you were helping us, why on earth would we hate you?"

Gibbs was grinning as he guided Tim to his seat. "Told you this was a good idea, here you go Tim, let's see what this stand-in test pilot is made of."

Tim was still shaking his head in disbelief as he sat on the chair labelled 'Guest of Honor', and he even managed not to groan when Abby insisted he have the warm blanket over his lap. Truth was, he wasn't feeling cold, he felt...happy. He'd been so sure he wouldn't be able to get close to the jetpacks again.

"Hey Tim, we missed you." David Oster stooped down in front of Tim. "Took us a while to think of you as Tim, we knew you as Tyler...but when Agent Gibbs explained what you'd been doing, didn't take long for us to think of you as a Special Agent because what you did was real special." David glanced at Tim's friends. "Not sure I should be saying this right now, your friends are kind of intimidating, but if ever you want to come and hang out at the lab, I'd love to have you around." He licked his dry lips and continued. "Derek will come over to talk with you when the flight is done, but he said I was to tell you, when you're fully recovered, maybe in the spring, if you want to take another flight...the pack is part yours Tim, anytime you want to fly, you only have to ask, and we'll make it happen."

Without waiting for a response David was gone, and Tim laughed aloud. "That's David all over, always has somewhere else he needs to be. Can you believe it Abs, after everything they're willing to let me go back up there." He gazed up to the clear blue sky.

"Sure I believe it, they know how much you helped them. Tim..the flying..."

He detected the hint of fear in her voice. "Getting fit for field duty is my priority Abs, sure I'd love to fly one more time, but nothing is more important than being with you, getting back to NCIS, everything else, it can wait."

The unmistakable sound of the jetpack engine filled the air, and everyone craned their necks to see Derek Pascoe taking the pack through its paces, Derek flew close by and saluted Tim as he made a low pass. Tim reached out for Abby's hand and pulled her close.

"Are you cold Tim?"

"Not when you're sitting next to me, don't you remember the old song...'I've got my love to keep me warm'?"

The other occupants of the front row had taken their eyes off the flight and had been watching Abby and Tim closely, Gibbs glanced at Ducky and whispered. "How long did you have?"

Ducky smiled a little furtively, he still felt a little guilty joining in Tony's sweepstake on how long it would be before Abby and Tim set up home together, but he'd added his ten dollars to the pot along with most NCIS employees. "Five weeks, I'm expecting them to move in together when they return from visiting Timothy's family at Christmas."

"A canny bet Doctor Mallard, you know, I think you could be right." Gibbs settled back to watch the flight, he had known all along how warm the welcome would be for Tim, but he also knew Tim would never have believed him, as so often with their resident computer genius, he had to see it to believe it. Well now he knew, the people at Inanna practically hero-worshipped him, Abby loved him, and he was going to make a full recovery. As the sun shone down on the arcing jetpack Gibbs smiled in contentment, they may lose Tim occasionally to the lure of flight, but he'd always come back to them, if Tim's brush with death had proved one thing, it was that this team was a single unit, bound together by love and trust, bonds that could never be broken.

THE END

For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return.

Leonardo da Vinci