"Christian, Christian, please listen to me". He doesn't respond. No, no, no. this can't be. I can't lose him I have to get him back. "Come back to me please, I wasn't leaving, I promise!"

Nothing.

He kneels there, silently, not doing or saying anything.

Do I call Dr Flynn?

No.

He's been sat on the floor in this submissive pose for nearly an hour now. Nothing I say has made him react.

Be strong Ana, you can do this. You can bring him back. He needs you. You're his more. You're his everything.

How? I feel lost. I want to join him in his world on the floor, succumb to being controlled too. But it's useless. I have to be strong, strong for both of us.

"Get up Christian" The words are out of my mouth before I know I've said them.

What am I doing? I'm taking control? Maybe this is what he needs. I'm right, I know I am. I can make this work. This is just a blip. He needs me to be strong right now and prove that I wasn't going anywhere. Stay Ana, I tell myself, stay strong for both of you.

And then it hits me.

What if this is him now? Have I lost my fifty? This once powerful, control freak, of a….my powerful, control freak, in all his fifty shades….it's not him. I can't bear to look at him.

I can't think straight, I can't breathe. He's prepared to let me be in charge. Ok, ok. I can do this; I can do this for us. Maybe it's the only way.

Christian is standing now, head bowed, looking at the floor. What do I do? What do I say? Think Ana, think. What would Christian do? He'd take control.

"You need to eat Christian" It's all I can think of to say. "Sit" I point to the kitchen bar stool. He does. Watching him move in this way, so unthinking, so effortlessly, so lost in a submissive world, a world that I have never allowed myself to understand fully. I can see it now though. See what he expected from me when we first met. I know I could never have been this for him.

I cautiously follow him over to the kitchen and move to open the fridge, all the while wondering when he's going to snap out of it, if he'll snap out of it. He still hasn't said anything. Is that normal? Are subs meant to be silent? I don't think so. Is this how he was with her?

It pains me to see him this way. And I know. I know this is how she made him. I can see how easily she took control of him, how easy it was for him to be with her and how easy it was for her to add to his already messed up world, so easy to abuse Christian as a teenager.

This is my fault. I'm just as bad as her.

Snap out of it Ana. I poor myself a glass of crisp, cold chardonnay and make him a sub, oh the irony. I smirk to myself, why am I now finding this amusing? I peep through my lashes at him to see if he is watching me. He eats silently and quickly, all the while his head is lowered. No reaction. This really isn't funny.

"I'm not eating Christian and I've had far too much to drink. Are you going to do anything about it?"

Silence.

"Answer me!" I implore him. I've come round the breakfast bar and am now standing with my face inches from his.

"Answer me, please". I can feel nausea running through me, my head feels light, and I can't look at him. I turn away. "God you can be so, so exasperating, answer me. NOW"

"No"

I'm frozen to the spot, not daring to look back at the man I love. "What did you say?" My voice is barely a whisper. I'm scared that anything more will cause him to freeze up on me again.

"No" He responds again.

A swing round and encircle him in my arms. Oh thank god! He's back, he's talking. "Oh Christian, you had me so worried, don't ever do that to me again. I need you, no matter what; I'm never going to leave you"

I pull back to look into his wonderful grey eyes and suddenly feel as though all the wind has been knocked out of me. His eyes are lowered; he's not looking at me. "No, what?" I ask tentatively.

"No, Ma'am"

Help. HELP. HELP. I'm screaming on the inside. This can't be. This isn't what I want. I want to know what the answer no was in reference to; no he wasn't going to answer my question, no, he wasn't going to do anything about me not eating?

I'm reeling; I'm so mad. I want to throw something at him. Anything for a reaction. I'd take the punishment, several times over. I'd give anything. The last thing I expected was to hear him refer to me like that.

I need time to think. I can't with Christian in the room acting like this. It's not him. It's getting late, maybe in the morning he'll wake up and everything will be ok and normal again. It will be ok; it will, it must, won't it? Normal. What a joke. Our relationship has never been normal. Time, that's all and sleep.

"Go to bed Christian" I say in a voice so calm and controlled that I don't even recognise I said it until the words are out of my mouth. I feel my body behaving differently too, mirroring my tone of voice: I feel powerful, strong and capable.

He leaves the room obediently.

I'm left feeling bereft and empty. I'm tired, so tired, the effects of the alcohol suddenly making me feel as though I could sleep for a week.

I make my way to the bedroom and not wanting to disturb Christian move quietly across the room and pull back the covers. It's only then in the dim light that I realise the bed is empty. With horror I run out of the room and up the stairs. I slowly push open the door and my deepest fear is confirmed. He's in my room, my old room. The subs room.

I crumple to the floor, no longer able to contain the tears. The knot in my throat which I realise I've been fighting back for the last two hours has come undone. I sob inconsolably on the floor.