Oh Alcohol...

You liquor smooth and free...

I have no idea what comes next.

And knowing me, I probably don't care.

But we've been friends for a long time now.

Twenty-five years.

Sometimes, you're the only one I want to talk to.

All the time, if Effie's in town.

I need you, Alcohol.

You make me remember the good times; forget the bad.

For a while, anyway. And then it all comes back.

And I need you more than ever.

Though my stomach may not always agree (*vomits*),

My heart burns when you're not around.

Literally.

And that's another thing.

You don't answer back. Or tell me to clean my room or change my socks.

Like SOMEBODY I could mention...

You don't kill placemats. Or have an obsession with mahogany.

Don't feel I betray you when I say that water is the new best friend.

Oh, and don't listen to anything Effie Trinket says. She's just jealous.