I haven't uploaded much in a while, so please enjoy the following chunk of pointless satire!

Warning: Massive amounts of Mary Sue bashing will follow.

….

"No please…You can't die…You can't die now!" Edward cradled her limp figure in his arms, desperation shining brightly in his eyes as he worked to staunch the bleeding with his automail hand.

"No Edward…" she breathed, wrapping her bloodstained hand around his cloak. "It's…It's no use trying to save me now…At least Scar's dead." She shut her eyes tightly, her large amber orbs opening again with a spark of triumph. "After all, I killed him with my rainbow alchemy, and saved you!"

"I know I know, Mizuki. Please, try not to talk." He hugged her closer, his voice pitching upward in fear.

"I told you, Ed, I'm done for…" She threaded her fingers through his golden locks, and he didn't shy away from her touch. "Just know…I love you."

"Don't leave…" he whispered.

"I have to…" Her eyes smiled, the light slowly dimming as her hand slipped from his hair. A stream of blood followed its descent, until her limp fingers settled over her bare, bloodstained stomach. Time was short, and getting shorter, so with her last bits of strength, Mizuki shot her one true love a final look of undying affection, knowing deep in her heart he'd never forget her, before the light completely disappeared from her eyes.

Now, before I continue, I would just like to do what any normal Suethor does with her author's note: completely and utterly interrupt the flow of the story. However, this is a rather unique case in which the story's flow must be interrupted for the fic to continue, as unsurprisingly, the fic above just ended. It is worth noting at this point a bit of background to these events. Not about Mizuki, but her cameraman Keith. See, the cameramen responsible for filming these increasingly mindless stories have been growing increasingly annoyed. With what? Well with the lack of fulfillment as well as the lack of payment for the aforementioned increasingly mindless stories. Most of this recent unrest was being expressed in unions and lawsuits and general "I don't get paid enough to do this!" complaints, but today, it centered on a ham sandwich. In this case, and for this story specifically, Keith Martin had abandoned his camera for a ham and cheese sandwich. To this rationally thinking Suethor, the act was entirely forgivable, as Keith had spent the better part of 4 weeks following Mizuki Kawasaki, the Flowering-Rainbow Alchemist, a sexy vixen-chimera who'd held her license since age 7, on a 73 chapter journey around Central and—through the magical warping abilities of plot holes—through Resembool, Xing, and a brief stay in Drachma. For all his work though, the events he'd been assigned to film received a mere 14 reviews, (3 asking for feedback on their own fics and 11 telling the Suethor to get a life.) And so, Keith left his camera running for another should-have-been uneventful chapter, and went to buy a sandwich.

For the events that followed, caught on film, both Keith and his sandwich were found equally responsible and promptly fired from the business of fanfic filming.

Upon learning of his heinous mistake and sudden loss of his job, Keith was reported defending himself with the statement, "Mrrph, nrgh hrmm hrrph!" as he still had a ham and cheese sandwich in his mouth.

The camera, however, was not fired, and with a bit of tracking, was found to contain the following film:

"I have to…" Her eyes smiled, the light slowly dimming as her hand slipped from his hair. A stream of blood followed its descent, until her limp fingers settled over her bare, bloodstained stomach. Time was short, and getting shorter, so with her last bits of strength, Mizuki shot her one true love a final look of undying affection, knowing deep in her heart he'd never forget her, before the light completely disappeared from her eyes.

"No…" Edward whispered softly. However, his words prompted no response from the limp figure, and he cocked an eyebrow, jostling her body a bit. "Hey, you still alive?"

Mizuki did not answer, a soft, blissful smile on her lips as she bounced up and down in Ed's arms.

Ed sighed, his eyes suddenly exhausted as he pushed her body ungracefully onto the concrete, brushing himself off as he stood. "Al? She's dead. You can come out now."

"Really? Is the fic over?" Al's armor head popped from the nearby alleyway, only now coming into the camera's field of view. "That's good. It gets boring sitting alone there."

"Sorry, I guess the Suethor just kind of forgot to include you in this," Ed muttered, pulling strands of chimera-fox-hair off his jacket. He barely looked up when Al sidled up beside him, as there was in fact, a lot of chimera hair on his jacket. And blood. But Sue blood came out easily.

"Not true, I was in the first chapter!"

"Yeah and you had one line. You told us you were going to the grocery store and never came back." Ed yanked another hair off his jacket with slightly more force than was necessary.

"Still…"

Both boys paused for a beat.

"Does Central even have grocery stores?"

Al shrugged, taking a few steps closer to the Sue to get a better look. He rested both hands on his hips, appraising the girl's body with somewhat less sympathy than he had after the first two or three he'd seen in the same state. "You know Brother…it wouldn't hurt to be a little nicer to them. She looks so…uncomfortable…"

Ed grimaced a little at the way her arms were contorted around her back, one leg bent and pinned under her body. He got over it quickly.

"Nicer?" Ed huffed, breaking his attention away from both the chimera and the chimera-hair covered coat. "For god's sake Al I was cradling the damn thing in my arms! How much nicer am I supposed to be to these…whatever the hell they are." He plucked one more strand that clung, bloodstained, to his cheek. "I wouldn't have bothered," he muttered, almost as an afterthought, "but they die faster that way…"

"She dead now?" The gruff voice broke through the air, a hint of hopefulness in its tone.

Ed and Al turned their attention across the street, the former deciding to put off the fur picking for another moment. "Yup, she's dead. You can cut the possum act."

Scar pushed himself to his feet, grumbling as he plucked a shard of rainbow from between his eyes. He rubbed the spot for a moment, his eyes narrowed in clear dislike for the crumpled mess at Ed's feet. "Know, Fullmetal, that ordinarily I'd take now as the prime opportunity to kill you…" he paused a moment, his expression flickering with distaste, as though he were suddenly sucking on a lemon, "but I think I need some alone time to erase this from my memory."

"You're telling me…" Ed stalked toward the nearby military car, Al in quiet tote. "You didn't have to confess your undying love to her." The mutterings were more for himself than Scar, as Scar had already stalked off in the opposite direction also muttering, but more along the lines of the things I do for those stupid Suethors.

Ed's hand rested for a moment on the car handle, smearing some Sue blood on the shiny surface. "Least I didn't have to kiss this one…" he added as an afterthought, before yanking the car door open. "Hughes! She's all yours now."

He let his hand drop, stepping back from the car to make way for Maes Hughes, as investigations tended to be put in charge of dead bodies, wherever they piled up. Ed merely nodded at the man's appearance, but the suit of armor beside him gasped, raising one metal arm to point at the older man.

"M-Mr. Hughes!" the armor squeaked, looking to his brother and back for support. "You're still—"

"Alive?" Hughes let out a slightly bemused laugh. "Yeah, fancy that. Of course I'm not too surprised—see this is fanfiction and Suethors never seem to remember, or care, that I'm supposed to be dead…" He passed the boys, circling Mizuki's body for a moment. "Can't get any damn rest around here…even when you're dead."

Edward merely stared for a few moments, glassy eyed as he watched a few more military men gather around Mizuki's body, pointing and nodding as they draped a white sheet over her. After a few seconds though, Ed's eyes lit up as he realized one person was still missing. "Oh, Al, I completely forgot. Where's Mustang? He needs to know she's dead now."

"The Colonel?" Al shrugged his shoulders slightly. "I'm pretty sure he's still angsting in his office because you stole his love interest…or was it his sister this time? I can't keep them straight."

"No, no, love interest…" Ed affirmed, shaking his head slightly. "This was another one of those pedophile-Roy fics." He paused. "Those have been common lately."

Al nodded.

"Oh thank God! She's dead right, Fullmetal?"

"Speak of the devil…" Ed muttered, twisting on his heels to face the Colonel's approaching figure. He took a small amount of satisfaction in Mustang's horribly unkempt appearance, taking careful note of the man's tousled hair, blood-shot eyes, and unbuttoned jacket. At least, Ed thought, the Colonel got the short end of the stick this time around.

Roy stopped before the boys, his eyes trained on the white-covered figure, slightly on edge like he expected the Sue to pop back to life and force him back into his dark corner of angst. In his defense it really was an uncomfortably small little corner. After a moment he seemed satisfied that she was in fact dead, and turned his attention to the Edward and Alphonse.

"Oh Al, it's nice to see you again." Roy's eyes lit up with a sarcastic smirk. "Back from the grocery store so soon hmm?"

Ed glared and Al gave a somewhat dark chuckle. "You wouldn't believe the line…"

"Trust me, the grocery store sounds lovely next to the crap I've been putting up with." Mustang ran a mismatched, gloveless hand through his hair, and Edward briefly wondered where it had gone. "If I had one more wangsty line about my undying love for that two-dimensional piece of vicarious filth, I was going to incinerate her head."

"You think that's anything next to the garbage I had on my hands?" Edward shouted almost indignantly. He glanced down at the blood still dripping from his gloves, and added as an afterthought, "Literally!"

"You want a bet?" Mustang fixed Edward with a livid stare, wobbling a bit where he stood as he cleared his throat. "Oh Mizuki! Can't you see how much I want you? All my life I could have any girl I wanted, and trust me I had sex with ALL of them, but they all meant nothing to me once you came into my office! Ad nauseum…" The Colonel tipped forward, almost losing his footing before righting himself.

"Are you alright, sir?" Alphonse made to reach for the unsteady man, but Mustang waved his hand away.

"No I'm fine. She just happened to die during the 'Roy mourns the loss of the only girl he ever loved by getting shit-faced off his secret booze stash' scene." Roy pursed his lips, taking a moment to consider something. "Actually, there are times I rather like these fics; the Suethors always assume I've got a huge stash of whiskey shoved up my ass. The bottles freaking materialize in every drawer of my office."

"Maybe you should sit down for a bit then, sir," Al ventured, still clearly off-put with the man's unsteady appearance.

Mustang shook his head, his face sobering a bit as he redid the buttons on his jacket. "I'm not completely drunk, Al. The effects of the fic should wear off soon enough. Besides," he added, straightening the collar of his jacket, "I still needed to be functional enough in case this one called me in for another 'fight to win her love' with Ed here, you know, Flame vs. Fullmetal style."

Ed merely grunted, all three falling silent to watch the MPs haul Mizuki's body into the waiting hearse.

"Someone should get Winry out of exile…pretty sure she's still in Drachma." Ed's voice was clearly detached, barely carrying to the camera's microphone.

The other two merely nodded in agreement.

Mustang turned slightly to the boys, "And is Hawkeye-?"

"Drachma too."

"Ah…"

Again, the three wasted a few more moments staring down the hearse, watching as it picked up speed, bringing the body of Mizuki Kawasaki to the morgue. This morgue happened to be newly set aside for Mary Sues, due to the mass buildup of dead-Sues and the mass disinterest in giving them any proper autopsy or burial.

More than likely the special morgue has a trash heap.

Or dump. Dump works too.

Mustang's gaze lingered on the receding vehicle for a second or two more, turning until his eyes bore directly into the audience.

"Hey Fullmetal, I thought you said the fic was over."

"Wha-? It is over."

"Then why's the camera still running?" Mustang raised the gloved hand to point at the flashing red "recording" light, Ed's gaze quickly following.

"Dunno…but wasn't the cameraman there just a second ago?" Edward pursed his lips, his eyes exuding a rather clear 'I don't quite care' sort of vibe.

Unfortunately enough, Edward would never receive an answer to his pressing question, as at that moment all three were distracted by the sudden appearance of a horribly confused looking man. Al muttered a quiet word of greeting, which didn't seem the register in the man's mind. Instead the newcomer merely stared at the three people, his wide eyes steadily drifting back to the camera. It's quite clear his mouth would have been hanging open, if not for the ham and cheese sandwich protruding on his dumbfounded gaze. Through the mouthful of food, the microphone picked up one last piece of audio, coincidentally the only line from Keith, before it was hastily, and permanently, shut off.

"Ohhnnnn Fuuummmgghk!"

…

So liek Mizuki and Keith totaly belong to meeeeee so dont use them w/o mai permishin! But I dont own FMA

Mizuki: "But wouldnt it be awsm if you did!1?"

Me: "Liek ttly yes! Kawaii desu sparkle!"

Edward: "Wait, isn't Mizuki dead?"

Mizuki: "Stfu Edward-chan! 3"

Me: "Lol isnt it sooo cute how I make Edwardo-chan-kun-san-sensei talk to me in the authors notttteeee!"

/*SHOT*