Missing Scene #7

Title: Mistakes

Episode: The Time of the Doctor, during the Eleventh Doctor's regeneration

Main Characters: The Eleventh Doctor, the Twelfth Doctor, Clara, mentions of past female companions

Pairings: Doctor/Rose and a glimmer of Doctor/River if you squint hard enough

Rating: K+ (for minor language)

Summary: The Doctor is sick of it. Sick of having broken hearts and causing them. This time it's going to be different, he'll start this one off right. No more mistakes.

Spoilers: From the beginning all the way to Deep Breath.

A/N: Peter Capaldi was very adamant about there being no romance involving him on his TARDIS. What if the Doctor felt that way as well? After losing Rose and River who were very near to his hearts and having Martha, Amy and Clara have unrealistic crushes on him, maybe he's finally tired of it.

"I've made many mistakes, and it's time I did something about that. Clara, I'm not your boyfriend."

"I never said you were."

"I never said it was your mistake."

The Doctor was so very sick of it. Sick of having broken hearts and causing them. He vowed to make this time different. If he started it off right, maybe he could protect his hearts as well as keeping others from having unrealistic expectations from him. After all, he sure had been through enough.

He never really thought much about love when he was younger. Sure, pretty companions would catch his eye. Every once in a while he'd stare at Nyssa's bum as she twirled around, or avert his gaze away from Peri's ample cleavage. Even his Eighth life had explored 'snogs' with Grace (which was very fun by the way). His granddaughter had been loomed for him so he had never experienced the kind of love most humans dream about.

Until he met Rose.

One of his most defining companions, Rose had been the one to save him ultimately from the damage the Time War had done to him. She had shown him to look at the universe as something beautiful again, something he hadn't done in hundreds of years. She had made him view the past as something to overcome, as she had done in her own simple life before she met him. And when he lost her, he was lost as well. After that everything had gone downhill from there.

He'd be lying if he said he hadn't noticed Martha's glances at his lips, and he knew he had messed up royally with that bloody genetic transfer during their first meeting. It was entirely his fault really as he refused to acknowledge those sort of feelings again, his hearts still reeling from nearly confessing his feelings to Rose on a damn beach in a parallel universe. But still, Martha didn't have to act like a spoiled brat who didn't get her way at times. Don't misunderstand, Martha was very strong, very smart, but at times she did more damage to his hearts than good. But then again, she had saved his life more times than he could count, and for that, he respected her very much. He hoped she was happy. He hoped they all were.

His hearts were still hurting after so long, two years in fact, and his every thought was still of Rose. That's why Donna had been so good for him. For the first time in so, so many years, he finally had a friend. Just that. Someone to laugh with, someone to let him know he was going too far, someone who wouldn't push the boundaries of his heartsache and pain. Donna had healed him incredibly, and that just made it worse that he couldn't have done the same for her in the end.

Losing Rose and Donna all over again nearly pushed him to the breaking point. But that form of him was so vain, more vain than any of his other forms in fact, that he hadn't been able to let go of looking young. He even wasted a regeneration just to keep that face (it was for Rose, he kept telling himself). But after the Master and Wilf knocking four times, he had no excuse. So his Eleventh self was born. (Twelfth technically, but since he was reminiscing so much already, this was no time to correct himself). He should have made a new start then, but he didn't, and that only did more damage.

Amy was great. She was kind, pretty, stubborn. One of his first mistakes was letting himself get imprinted on her young never, ever ended well. Reinette proved that. He never approved of Amy's flirting as she was getting married in the morning (how long was that for?) and even after she was married she clung to him more than he should. But he never chastised her for it, not even once. And he led her on too, much like with Martha. I guess I still liked the attention.

And then River Song had flung herself (quite literally) into his life for the second time for him, who knows which time it was for her. And she turned his life upside down more than any other woman had. She had challenged nearly every one of his morals and convinced him that maybe, it wasn't so bad to be selfish every once in a while. Granted, he had been rather forced into marrying her, but he'd be lying if he said he hadn't felt as lonely. Having a family with River and the Ponds had filled a hole in his hearts he hadn't even known was there.

Maybe that was why it hurt so much more than anything else when he lost them. The second after Amy had disappeared from him forever he felt this gaping wound inside his chest that he didn't know how to deal with. Losing Rose had been horrible of course, but it hadn't been complicated. He knew he loved her (and her him) and he knew she was happy with his clone (at least he desperately hoped she was). He still remembered what it felt like to travel alone then, and that was what he had wanted (or so he told himself, up until he met Donna in her wedding dress). He clung on to that wish to travel alone until Martha pretty much demanded to stay.

But he had sealed the Ponds onto his hearts. They were his family, Amy was the first face this face saw, and when they were gone, he had been so dependent on them that he didn't know how to act, how to think. Even River being there hadn't helped much (it just made him feel even more guilty, as they were her parents after all). Every time he lost a companion it was his fault in some way or another. He should have made sure Rose's lever would have been secure. He shouldn't have let the Master steal his TARDIS and take over the Earth. He shouldn't have let River give her life for him in the Library. He shouldn't have let Donna get trapped inside the TARDIS. Granted, if he had changed all of those instances, they couldn't have been able to save the universe. Rose couldn't have stopped the Daleks, Martha the Master, River the Vashta Nerada and Donna Davros.

But the loss of his Ponds had felt so worthless, so stupid. If only he had turned around a minute earlier, they would still be with him. One stupid, bloody angel had torn Amy and Rory from him forever. It hurt so much he couldn't even process a single thing. Not even Amy telling him to not travel alone in the afterword she wrote for him hadn't done any good. How could it, when she couldn't tell him herself?

So he shut off the pain. Ran away to Victorian England and began a new life. Vastra, Jenny and Strax did their best (well, Vastra and Jenny did), but he didn't want their help. All he wanted was to be left alone. The universe had torn away the very thing he treasured most, and he vowed never to save it again, if that was how it thanked him.

It was a good thing Clara came along at that point. Solving the mystery of her had become priority #1 in his life. And it felt good, so good to be...how did they say it? Back in the saddle again. Solving the biggest mystery of his life had given him a chance to move on. And after he had found the real Clara, he wanted nothing more than to protect her. To keep her close to him and never let her die again. Twice was too many after all. He felt like her father more than anything in that respect, or at least an odd, caring, thousand year-old uncle.

And that had been his next mistake. He realised too late that he had let her get too close. He had just lost River and refused to acknowledge the pain of letting her go, so to hear her confess her crush made him more upset than he had felt in years. But he couldn't do anything about it. He felt responsible for what was going to happen to her, so he continued to keep her close. He even joked around about being her boyfriend and letting her do the same. Until he finally figured out her mystery and later decided to send her home. For her own good. He insisted.

But she had came back. They always came back, didn't they? She begged the Time Lords save his life and they had. And now he finally had his chance to have a new start.

"And now it's time for one last bow
Like all your other selves
Eleven's hour is over now
The clock is striking Twelve's".

"It all just disappears, doesn't it? Everything you are, gone in a moment, like breath on a mirror. Any moment now... He's a-comin'." He had felt the regeneration energy waiting to burst out for a long time now, and he was only holding on like a single strand of rope that was breaking. He could even hear the snapping of the twine. Or was that the creaking of his ancient bones?

"Who's coming?" Clara was so worried. She shouldn't be worried, she had met his past selves, hadn't she? Just another indication that she had grown too attached to his looks. She thought she was in love with him, but if she were, she wouldn't ask him not to change. Not if she already understood. Rose had only asked because she had no idea who he or what regeneration was (add that mistake to the list). River had never asked, because she loved him for who he was on the inside. She liked pretty boys indeed, but he was the only pretty boy she ever needed. At least he liked to think so.

"The Doctor."

"You. You are the Doctor."

"Yep, and I always will be." Just like the last two times, he took a moment to concentrate on a form that would suit him best next. He didn't have complete control, but he had enough to make sort of a difference. His Tenth form had been born for Rose, and his Eleventh because he was too sentimental to give up his young looks. But now it was time for a change. He had called Clara in the future and had gotten the gist of it, and he understood why now. If Clara was so intent on looks, he needed to prove to her that he was still amazing, even without looking like someone she would want to hook up with (which she most certainly would not once this whole business was over). He needed to show her that the Doctor was the man on the inside. That he was so much more than a pretty face. "But times change, and so much I." And of course, he had to take a moment "to get his reward", as his last form had put it.

"Amelia!"

"Who's Amelia?"

"The first face this face saw." She was so much more than that of course, but her memory would always be stored away in his hearts forever, and he wouldn't speak them out loud. He never did, for any of them. "We all change. When you think about it, we're all different people all through our lives, and that's okay, that's good, you gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be." Older and grumpy. Recorder player. UNIT employee, Scarf wearer, Celery wearer, Rainbow explosion, Umbrella toting, Edwardian suit, The one who broke the promise, Leather clad, Pinstriped and finally, Bowtie wearing me. Oh man I'm going to miss this bowtie. I wonder who I'll be defined as next. "I will not forget one line of this. Not one day. I swear. I will always remember when the Doctor was me." He would never forget any of them. Nor the women who had touched his lives in so many ways.

"I spent a lot of time with you, thinking I was second best. But you know what? I am good!"

"It's okay, it's not over for you. You'll see me again. You've got all of that to come. You and me, time and space. You watch us run!"

"They will never forget her, while she can never remember. But for one moment, one shining moment, she was the most important woman in the whole wide universe."

"I bet you're gonna have a really great year!"

"Raggedy man...goodnight."

"Please don't change." And there it was, only solidifying his decision. With one final push, his new face was born.

And he had succeeded.

"I've made many mistakes, and it's time I did something about that. Clara, I'm not your boyfriend."

"I never said you were."

"I never said it was your mistake."

I really like how this one came out. Please review, tell me your thoughts, was Rose better for him, or River (or Martha, Donna, Amy, or Clara)? I really tried to keep an open mind on this (boy was it hard, I was going against basic programming here by saying that he loved River) Sorry, I was a bit harsh to those Whouflle fans (I never did understand that ship, can someone please enlighten me a bit?) and Doctor/Martha fans but I mean no disrespect. Haha anyway, hope you liked! I probably won't publish anything this winter, so I guess it's goodbye until next summer! If you want to see what (hopefully) will be coming in 2015, take a look on my profile, I just updated it! :) Allons-y! ~Katy