Fic: Pregnant? How? bailey41 November 6th, 13:02 Current Mood: silly

fic: Pregnant? How?
Title: Pregnant? How?
Author: Bailey4142
Rating: T for a mild discussion of sexual harassment
Pairing: Nathan/Audrey
Disclaimer: Not mine, never could I be so lucky.
Summary: A book or an insulated coffee mug would have been great.. :-)

Note: Written for a comment fic post over on livejournal/HavenMaine, from Gagewhitney: "Nathan/Audrey. Audrey's (accidentally) knocked up and still trying to get used to the idea. Nathan's super, super excited and constantly hovering. She sort of wants to smack him."
This is as close as I could get. I'm warning you, it's completely ridiculous.

Nathan, I need to talk to you, I've got a serious problem.

Audrey, what is it?

I'm pregnant.

Pregnant. ….Really. Uh, Congratulations! Who is the lucky guy?

There is no guy, that's the problem! Not since I came to Haven, and it's been long enough from before I came here that I know there is no guy.

That's….

Impossible? No it isn't, this is Haven!

True. Audrey, you know I love babies, and my birthday is coming up, but you didn't have to spontaneously reproduce just for me. A book or an insulated coffee mug would have been great.

Yeah. Funny.

You're sure there's no guy? No one? Duke?

Nathan, if I was going to sleep with anyone in this crazy town, it would be you, so yeah! I'm sure.

Awkward, Audrey. This could be a sexual harassment case.

Yeah, well, you can feel my touch, and only my touch, and you stalked me for weeks, so I think the idea of sexual harassment on either of our parts is a wash, okay?

Okay! Okay. So, now what?

We find out how this happened!

….Audrey, I know how this happened.

Lightbulb moment, Nathan?

It was that other Audrey Parker. She showed up in town, swore she was you, made a lot of noise about identity theft, talked about pressing charges, shook your hand, and then disappeared as fast as she showed up with no resolution.

Oh, come on! That is just creepy.

Has to be. Have you touched anyone else since?

No. ….. Though I can think of someone I'd like to. Damn, my hormones are running rampant!

Who?

Well, it's one of the two people in this room, but its not me.

You know, Audrey, you're getting bigger by the second, and I've just discovered that pregnant women named Audrey are a huge turn on for me, but it would probably be better if we waited until you got this baby out of your system before we do anything strenuous like that.

Hey! I can't help how big I'm getting, that was just mean! Oh, crap. My water just broke.

Good thing we're standing in a hospital room, I'll go get the doctors.

…

…..

Wow, you and that other Audrey Parker should have babies more often, this is the most beautiful baby boy I've ever seen. And the fastest labor I've ever heard of.

Shut up, Nathan, I listed you as the father on the birth certificate. You're officially off the market, and not only was it the fastest labor in history but I've had the fastest recovery in history, so let's go to Target and outfit this baby so we can go home and have some fun. Here, hold Garland so I can get my gun and badge.

You named him Garland? He's going to have a hard time with that, why would you saddle him with a name like that?

Because I liked you father, and anyways his middle name is Nicholas, so we'll call him Nick if you want.

I want, definitely. Hi Nick, you are such a wonderful little man, I'm looking forward to…..Hey, Audrey?

Yeah?

I can feel his touch too.

Well, will wonders never cease!