Slowly into the Light
Chapter 11
By: Montez

Disclaimer: see chapter one

Author's Note: This is it, the final chapter. I'm so sorry for the post after two years then another break, but at least it wasn't another two years J. In the last month my job started back up and I started college, something I wish I'd done twenty years ago, but better late than never. So I've had to learn the art of juggling; family, job, college, life. Now I know why college is geared toward the young. A piece of advice to any young people reading this, don't wait, life has a way of sneaking up on you when you aren't looking. Okay, I'm off my soap box. Again I'm sorry for the delay and hope this final chapter brings a conclusion you were all looking for. I've had the vision of how I wanted this to end in my head for a while, just needed to figure out how to word it, I hope it works. Sorry for any typos, but you guys have waited on me long enough and for that I will be eternally grateful to you all who have waited patiently all this time. So here it is, the final chapter of Slowly into the Light. Enjoy-Montez

Morning dawned in Lower Canaan and it was no surprise to Dave Rossi when he made his way back to the hospital, after he and Morgan agreed to leave the night before since Hotch had actually eaten about two-thirds of the food they had brought him from the local, surprisingly good, Chinese restaurant, that he'd find his friend and boss sitting on the side of the bed, suit pants on, dress-shirt buttoned but un-tucked, suit jacket and tie lying next to him as the dark-haired man stared out the small window of his hospital room.

Dave had stopped at the nurse's station when he saw Aaron's doctor, to see how the younger man was doing. The doctor informed him that Hotch's hearing was only slightly better, apart from the buzzing and that his blood work was okay, but still not great. However the doctor was willing to release his patient with the stipulation that he would not fly back to Washington and that he would see his doctor as soon as possible. Rossi was also informed Hotch didn't sleep all that well because of nightmares and that he had refused any medication to help him sleep.

With this information Rossi stood in the doorway a moment, watching his friend. Even without seeing Hotch's face Dave could see the exhaustion still weighing on the younger man's shoulders, along with whatever guilt he had been living with since New York.

It was Aaron's quiet voice that surprised the older man, "Can you drive me home?"

Dave was stunned a second, he didn't realize that Hotch knew he was in the room and the other thing that gave him a moment's pause was that Aaron was actually asking for help. Making his way around the room so his friend could see him, Rossi replied. "How'd you know it was me?"

Hotch gave a hint of a smile, pained as it was, "Your aftershave." Aaron watched the realization cross the older man's face before speaking again, "I need a favor."

Rossi pulled a chair closer to the younger man, he hated that Hotch still looked so exhausted. "Name it." The older man knew there wasn't anything he was going to deny his friend, not when it was so clear that whatever it was Aaron was going to ask seemed to mean a lot to him just by the very means that he was asking.

"I need to go back to New York." Hotch watched for Dave's reaction, honestly expecting an argument, especially when he really needed to get back to Washington and see just how much more damage he had caused his ear and if the hearing loss he was still experiencing was permanent or not.

"Okay." Rossi replied. A part of him wanted to argue that his friend was barely in any condition for the drive back to Washington let alone via New York which was hundreds of mile in a slightly different direction, but this was important to Hotch and right now if would help the younger man get past what had happened and hopefully get him back on the road to recovery, then Dave would take him to New York.

A barely noticeable nod was Aaron's only reply as he slowly stood to finish getting dressed so he could leave the hospital, silently praying he could stay out of the godforsaken place for a while.

They met the rest of the team back at the sheriff's station, signing off on the needed paperwork and graciously accepting the plate of homemade cookies from one of the town residents. Hotch then informed the rest of the group of what they had already suspected that he shouldn't be flying and that he was taking a few days to make the drive back to Washington with Dave. Both men left out the part of going home via New York, but Rossi felt if Hotch wanted the other's to know he would mention it.

As Reid helped Hotch transfer his go-bag into the vehicle Rossi had rented Morgan pulled the older man aside. "You call if you need any help with him." Morgan remembered the drive home from New York, the episodes he'd watched his friend and boss endure.

"Don't worry; I'm going to stretch the drive out a bit, so we aren't doing it all at once. Hopefully it will give him a chance to rest a little on the way. Tell Garcia to go ahead and contact that doctor Hotch was seeing…" Rossi paused a second when Derek held up his hand.

"You think that's a good idea?" Morgan asked, even though he knew Garcia would have no problem finding out the information, he worried Hotch would get angry with them setting something like a doctor's appointment up for him without his knowledge.

"I know Garcia probably already has that info, that girl knows more about us than we probably want to know. Have her set an appointment up for the 20th, that will give us four days to make it back, if we get back earlier fine, but I want to take this slow." Dave concluded.

"I'll take care of it, just try and keep me updated or you know Garcia will start tracking the car's GPS." Morgan smiled as Rossi patted his shoulder and headed toward the rental.

Hotch and Rossi watched the rest of the BAU drive away toward the small airport in Lower Canaan before making their way to the interstate, heading east toward New York. "Did you tell Morgan where we were going?" Aaron asked Dave.

"Figured if you wanted him to know you'd have told him." Dave said at the red-light just down the street from the station.

"I don't think he'd understand." Aaron said softly, turning toward the window.

Rossi pressed the gas once the light changed thinking to himself, 'I'm not sure I understand'.

A few hours of silence passed before Rossi pulled off for a rest stop. He could tell by Aaron's posture the last half an hour that the pain medication had worn off and that Hotch needed to eat something before taking more. "What do you want to eat?" Dave asked, pulling to a stop in a shopping center parking lot.

"I'm not hungry." Hotch replied, rubbing his head.

"Italian it is." Rossi replied with an amused tone as he noted an Olive Garden sign just down the road.

The meal was quiet, not really unusual with Hotch since he wasn't much of a talker, but Dave was at least happy to see the younger man eat about half of the chicken alfredo that he'd ordered. "Do you want to stop for the day?"

"No, I want to make it to the city…" Aaron could see the protest building in the older man's face, "Dave, I need to do this, Please." That added 'please' tore at Rossi, Hotch was never one to ask for help, much less, nearly beg for understanding in what he felt he needed to do.

"Okay, but you need to rest in the car." A subtle nod in agreement was the only response as Dave made sure Aaron took his needed medicine. After a quick restroom break and a text to Morgan the two men were back on the road.

For the next five hours Dave drove and Aaron dosed in the passenger seat, startling himself awake occasionally, from what Rossi could only assume were the nightmares that plagued his young counterparts sleep.

They arrived in New York around ten at night, the city was still busy, but not nearly to the degree the daylight hours usually were. "I'll find us a hotel." Dave was actually already heading toward the one they had stayed in weeks ago, when that terrible case had brought them there and left them all shaken, with Aaron coming away with the most scars, both physical and emotional.

"I want to go to the Federal Building." Aaron had sat up and was watching the city lights pass by the car's windows.

"You should get some rest. Hell, with this drive I'm exhausted." Dave tried to plead his case, yes he was tired from the drive, but Aaron looked worse for wear, his pale skin even more noticeable in the darkness, the passing lights throwing shadows over his sunken features. But it was something else he noticed that scared Rossi, there was a hollowness that seemed to take over Aaron's features, like it was taking everything the younger man had to keep himself from collapsing into the void the car bomb and Kate's death had left in him.

"The Federal Building, Dave." Hotch snapped, his voice rising slightly. The glint in his eye's, for that second, was that of a man obsessed with something that he had no control over, something that was controlling him and for the first time since agreeing to bring his friend back to the city, Dave was afraid for Hotch.

Not wanting to upset his friend, Dave made the needed turns that brought them to the Federal Building, the glass doors embellished with seal of the Federal Government. Pulling the dark sedan up to the curb near the building, Rossi turned off the engine, silence filling the vehicle as the city noises were muffled by the car's windows.

The older profiler watched the younger man, noting the stiffness of his body, the slight tremble of his hands. Without warning Aaron opened the car door and got out, his feet carrying him to the base of the stairs leading to the entrance. Dave followed a few steps behind and watched as Hotch closed his eyes a moment, then turned, heading down the street.

oxoxoxoxoxoxox

The voice in his head was a clear as it was that night, "Don't worry Kate, we'll get them." Aaron had told Kate Joyner as they left the office. Her small smile and refined British accent responding, "I know we will Aaron." before she stepped away. He could remember the smile that crossed his face, yes it was true there was an attraction there, there had been one all those years ago when they had first met, but Hotch was married and would never dream of betraying Haley. But now he was divorced and the thought had entered his mind that maybe, after this case was over, he would ask her to dinner before the team had to head back to Washington. He recalled, as he followed her, of putting that thought out of his mind, they had a group of terrorist to catch first, that was their job, their main focus.

As he started walking down the block, the same block Kate and he had traveled that night, the small, case-focused talk they had made heading for the SUV was lost to him. He could remember Kate moving toward the passenger side as he naturally headed for the driver's side, then his next memory was standing in front of a shattered storefront of televisions, his image not even registering as flames leapt in the background behind him. The weightless debris falling around him like snow, a single singed piece of paper landing gracefully in his palm.

Then the face of a young man and suddenly the overwhelming fear of not knowing where Kate was, the heat from the vehicle was unbearable until a muffled noise made it through his useless hearing and he saw her laying there, in the middle of the street trying to move with half of her body not responding. Aaron's breath hitched as those images engulfed him; the smell of burnt metal, burnt paper and burnt flesh and blood overwhelmed his sense's again, bile rising in his throat until he found himself leaning against the building, housing a bank of televisions, throwing up.

Oxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Rossi followed, always a few steps behind, he could only image what was going through Aaron's head, why the younger man was making his way down the very street that had caused all the pain and suffering that night. He watched as Hotch stopped in front of a glass store front of televisions, the image reflecting the younger man's pale, drawn image with the darkened street unusually vacant behind them. Dave watched as Aaron brought his left hand up, palm-up as if catching something, then he rushed forward as Hotch stumbled and vomited on the sidewalk. "Hotch?" Dave grabbed the younger man's arm, "Hey you with me? Aaron?"

"Give me a second." Hotch mumbled, unconsciously running the back of his hand over his mouth.

Dave kept a firm grip on his friend's arm, "You need to rest, whatever it is you feel you need to do can wait until morning." Rossi stepped back to give Aaron room to move, so they could make there way back to the car, but was surprised when Hotch pulled his arm away.

"You don't understand, I need to be here, I need to see this, I need to see what I missed!" Hotch's voice rose with each word as he took a step back from Dave.

"What you missed? Hotch you didn't miss anything. If it hadn't been you it could have been me or Morgan or Prentiss, Reid or JJ, would you have thought we had missed something, would you think it was our fault if one of us had been caught in the blast instead of you?" Dave was desperate to see why Aaron felt he needed to be here, it was clearly not helping his overall health if it was causing him to throw up what little he had eaten that day.

"Kate was with ME, she was the head of the New York office, they knew that, we were nobody from out of town. I should have seen she could have been a target, I should have known." Aaron's voice was pleading now; he needed Dave to see that he was responsible for Kate's death because he wasn't being vigilant.

"We had no reason to suspect we were targets, up till that point it was random, it was not…" Rossi stopped as he saw Hotch turn abruptly, as if hearing something behind him. The older man watched as Aaron slowly started walking away from him, toward the center of the street. Dave's breath hitched the moment he heard Aaron say, "Kate?"

Oxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

He didn't understand why Dave just didn't get it, it was his fault Kate died, it was his fault that bomb was nearly able to do its job in blowing up the hospital. It was when Rossi was talking again that he heard it, faint at first, but growing louder, "Aaron…Aaron…" Hotch turned and standing in the middle of the street was Kate Joyner, her sandy-brown hair framing her delicate face, her blue business suit spotless.

"Kate?" Hotch's feet carried him across the sidewalk and into the street, to the very spot Kate had lay, gravely wounded that night, when Aaron's blood-covered hand's had been unable to stop the bleeding that lead to Kate's death. "God Kate…"

"It's all right Aaron, this wasn't your fault." Her smooth, accented voice sounded so clear, so real.

"How can you…" Hotch was cut off by what felt like a warm touch on his chest, Kate had laid her hand over his heart.

"It was the fault of the man who planted the bomb, not your's, not mine, his alone. Please Aaron…" The warmth moved to the side of his face as he felt her hand cup his cheek, "Please stop blaming yourself, look at you, you're hurt. Please Aaron you need to take care of yourself and let me go. I don't blame you, you never left my side, even when you could have, you stayed with me, helped me stay calm even when I knew and you knew I wasn't going to make it and for that I will always be grateful to you. You gave me peace in those final minutes and remember, you told me we would get them and you did. Please Aaron; let it go, let me go."

Hotch stood, taking in the warmth of Kate's touch, just before she pulled away and faded from his sight. In that moment he felt the vice-like grip of guilt loosen, his body filling with the warmth that Kate's touch had brought, finally releasing the guilt of Kate's death. In that moment Aaron felt his legs give out as his knees hit the unforgiving asphalt, in the very spot he had knelt just a few short weeks ago.

Oxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Hearing the name 'Kate?' come from his friend scared Rossi, was bringing Aaron here causing the younger man to have some sort of break with reality? Did he miss the signs that one of his closest friends was coming to a breaking point and he, himself, had just helped push him the rest of the way over the edge? As a profiler he knew anyone could break, even the most stable, solid of individuals could break under the right or wrong set of circumstances, is that what was happening right in front of his eyes?

'How can you…' Hotch's voice again said to empty space as Dave came up slowly behind him, he hated the need to feel so cautious, but he had to remember that Hotch was armed, the younger man still had his gun clipped to his belt under his jacket.

Another long moment passed, Aaron seemingly unaware of Rossi's presence, then just as Dave was about to call Hotch's name he had to rush forward, his friend wavering and dropping to his knees, "Aaron!" Dave called out, grabbing Aaron by the arms, stopping his decent toward the ground. The boneless weight Rossi felt leaning into him again made him question if all this was too soon, if his agreeing to bring Hotch here was going to ultimately destroy the younger man.

"Dave?" Rossi was only slightly relieved to hear his name all but whispered by the young man in his arms.

"Right here, I've got ya…look I'm going to call an ambulance, just hang on, okay?" Dave had never seen Aaron this vulnerable, not even in the hotel the day they left this place.

"No…no hospital, I'm okay…just tired…" Aaron tried to pull himself up, his body feeling heavier than he thought possible.

"Hotch…" Dave started as he felt his friend move to try and get up, standing as Aaron did.

"Hotel, please Dave, I'm just so damn tired." The uncharacteristic curse from the man he was helping stay upright shocked the older man.

"Okay, but if I think you need to go to the hospital once we are at the hotel, you're going, understood?" Rossi wasn't going to stand-by and watch Hotch self-destruct and if once he got him into some decent lighting he felt the young man needed to be looked at, he would call an ambulance and suffer the wrath of Aaron Hotchner after the fact and be thankful there was still an Aaron Hotchner to have mad at him.

"Okay." Hotch nodded slightly, his face pinching in pain as it had been hours since his last pain pill. Once Rossi had him steadily on his feet, the two men made their way slowly back to the sidewalk and toward the parked car, the specter of Kate Joyner watching silently from the middle of the road

By the time they made it back to the car, Hotch was steadier and Rossi didn't have to keep such a death-grip on his arm. Upon reaching the hotel, Aaron took a seat in one of the lobby chairs as Dave went and arranged for their rooms. The older man touching his arm upon his return, "We're rooming together tonight and I don't want to hear any argument, are you hungry?"

"Just tired." Hotch answered honestly, the two men heading toward the elevator.

Once in the room, Dave was reluctant to allow Aaron to close the door to the bathroom as he changed, the older man's worry for the younger man going through the roof after the episode in the street. He'd wait to see if Hotch would talk with him about it or if it would become another secret that Aaron guarded like Fort Knox. Dave sat out a bottle of water, some crackers and Aaron's pain medication next to the younger man's bed, then waited for him to finish in the bathroom.

Hotch exited in his customary sleepwear, grey sweats and tee-shirt. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he opened the crackers, eating a couple before taking the pain medication. "Thanks" Aaron said softly as Dave took a seat on the bed next to him.

"Are you okay?" Dave waited for the customary answer and was surprised when it didn't come.

"I saw Kate." Hotch didn't look up at his friend, afraid of seeing the doubt in the dark-brown eye's looking at him.

Rossi didn't really know what to say when Hotch didn't continue, so he repeated his original question, "Are you okay?"

This time Aaron looked up at the older man, there was a light in Hotch's eyes that had been missing these many weeks, a spark of the old Aaron, the one before the guilt of Kate's death. It was in those eye's that Dave Rossi seemed to see into the younger man's soul and he knew that whatever had happened in the middle of that street, the man sitting beside him now was going to be okay and Dave truly believed the words that his friend spoke, "I will be."

It was in that moment that Rossi knew Aaron was finally making his way slowly into the light at the end of that long, dark tunnel he'd been trapped in and that Hotch finally realized he had his friend's waiting there for him, to help him heal, to help him go on.