Spopococ: Annnd, we're back! Time for another fast paced adventure in the world of FFVII… sort of. So, due to his little comments last chapter regarding the author's notes, my colleague has… gone for a little journey… holiday… type thing.

*cuts to a distant town in Germany, where HunterBelmont is attempting to converse with the locals… in Italian*

Spopococ: behehehe… Uhm, what? Anyway… uh... oh yeah. We're now heading over to Don Corneo's mansion this chapter. Gags a plenty. Hunter and I are very grateful for the reviews, no matter how large or small, and hey, NEW READERS!! *waves* Anyway, to quote a great Italian profit: "Let'sa Go!"

Warnings: … Oh, you poor misguided souls. If you've come this far and are not yet mentally scarred… Well… This is a parody piece of work. We don't really hate the world we're writing about, or the characters (Except Cait Sith and Tifa. That's pure hate right there), we're just making fun of something we love. There's plenty of weirdness this chapter (Dead serious, a scene in the president's office near the end, written by… Hunter, even surprised the shit outta me - spop) and curses. Yes, you should all also expect THAT by now. This chapter refers to prostitution, makes fun of child being abused, cross dressing being completely cool, but HEY! Drugs are bad, mmkay?

Chapter Six- Dude looks like a la-dy!

The team enters the mysterious fortress of… FAT GUY CORNEO! –cue gasps- Whilst Tifa struts her stuff, as is the norm, and Aerith attempts to pass off the innocent flower girl routine to a new crowd, Cloud… 'puts on an act' of enjoying his femininity, and puts on a show for Corneo... Much to Corneo's displeasure.

--

Cloud trailed behind Aerith as they arrived at the front door of the mansion, the doorman's eyes going straight to Cloud's legs before giving him a long look up and down.

"Damn girl, where have you been all my life?" The doorman exclaimed, still looking Cloud up and down and giving him suggestive looks.

"Stop dreaming, door boy… I'm way too classy for you!" Cloud huffed, flicking his hair back, enjoying the moment of crushing the doorman who dared to insult him before.

Sweet, sweet revenge.

The doorman held his chest before moving away, allowing them entry to the mansion. As Cloud passed, he swore he heard the doorman mouth something about his rotten luck with women. As they entered, Cloud's eyes instantly widened at the luxurious mansion and Aerith mentioned something about it being classy, before a receptionist approached them.

"Hey, ladies. I'll go and let the Don know you're here. Wait here. Don't go wandering around..." The receptionist nodded, before he began to walk away. His eyes were moving from Cloud to Aerith, and then back again, as if trying to decide who the better looking girl was.

Aerith gave Cloud a slight nudge, "Now's our chance to go find Tifa."

Cloud nodded, before wondering why Aerith always seemed to do the opposite of what anyone told her, and then wondered how they'd manage to get into some sort of terrible trouble.

Cloud felt the mystical force guide him yet again, this time taking him up the stairs and through a door. Cloud stopped upon entering the room, which was filled with nasty looking devices and a large amount of leather outfits that looked oddly familiar to Cloud.

This looks like….

"Wow, Don Corneo is pretty messed up."

Is that a…?

"Oh Gaia, that's….not right."

As Cloud snapped back to reality, (noticing that Aerith had walked over to a large breasted slutty looking woman who seemed to be smiling while playing with one of the leather straps) he shuddered a bit. That was also as the realisation hit that the woman was no woman at all, but in fact, Tifa.

"...Tifa? Nice to meet you. I'm Aerith. Cloud's told me a lot about you," Aerith smiled, as she gave a quick glance to Cloud.

Tifa blinked, "...And you are? Hey, you're the one with Cloud in the park..."

Tifa shot a puzzled look at Cloud, before turning back to Aerith, who said something Cloud didn't quite pick up.

"Well that's a situation I wouldn't want to be in."

What are you talking about?

"Both of your 'women' are in the same room…and are talking to each other…about you."

So...? Oh… OH!

Cloud snapped back to reality, quickly noticing that both women were looking at him, as if expecting an answer to a question.

"Cloud?" Tifa leaned a bit closer, checking him out, before jumping back a bit, ""Why are you dressed like that!? And what are you doing here!? Forget that, what happened to you after the fall!? Are you hurt!?"

"Hey, give me a chance to explain!" Cloud cut in, honestly sick of Tifa already even though they had been talking for a total of six seconds, "I'm dressed like this... because there was no other way to get in here. I'm all right. Aerith helped me out."

"What, out of the closet?" Tifa almost yelled, before Cloud continued on about how it really was the only way and that it wasn't his fault he made a really convincing girl.

"Tifa, what are you doing in a place like this anyway?" Cloud asked, trying to distract them from his last comment.

"Yeah, ummm," Tifa fidgeted a bit, as Aerith got the hint to move across to the other side of the room so they could have a quiet conversation.

Tifa began from the start.

"When we got back from the Number 5 reactor, there was this weird man. So Barret caught him and squeezed some information out of him."

Cloud's mind jumped to Barret crushing some poor guy's head while cursing at him in the extreme.

"So that's when the Don's name popped up?" Cloud asked.

"Right, Don Corneo. Barret told me to leave the leech alone...But something's been bothering me," Tifa stretched her arms a bit.

"I see. So you wanted to get the story straight from Corneo's…mouth," Cloud raised an eyebrow slightly; the thought of his woman trying to seduce Corneo to get information made his blood boil a little.

"So I made it here, but now I'm in a bind. Corneo is looking for a bride. Everyday, he gets three girls, chooses one of them, and then...." Tifa paused at the thought, whilst Cloud instantly thought that a step down from him would make anyone sick, "...and, well.... Anyway, I have to be the girl... or I'm out for tonight."

Aerith suddenly spun around and rushed over, and jumped in, as was quickly becoming the norm.

"Sorry... but I overheard...if you know the three girls, there's no problem, right?"

She was listening the whole time!

"I guess so, but…" Tifa trailed off as Aerith interrupted again.

"We have two here, right?" Aerith had that sly look on her face again.

"No Aerith you can't get involved!" Cloud stamped his foot; he wouldn't have some perverted old guy objectifying his woman and trying to seduce her.

"Oh? So it's all right for Tifa to be in danger?" Aerith placed her hands on her hips, readying her death glare.

"Of course...! … I don't…" Cloud corrected, feeling a cold chill go through him, as Tifa walked straight past him and began to speak to Aerith about it.

Totally dodged a bullet there.

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that."

"He---y!!" A voice from the stairs called, "It's time, ladies. The Don is waiting! I told ya not to wander around...I tell ya; women nowadays...Hurry up, will ya!" The voice belonged to the now rather nervous looking receptionist.

The trio began to walk to towards the stairs as Cloud asked, "I probably don't need to ask but the other girl is...Me...... right?" Aerith and Tifa giggled, off in their own little world and completely ignoring Cloud. One of these days, Cloud would understand women, and then… Well, he'd probably have an easier time understanding what it was that had just happened. For the time being however, he simply followed them up the stairs and into the Don's private quarters.

--

He is sooo fat.

Cloud brushed back a stray lock of luscious blonde hair, and lightly ran a finger underneath his eyelids to pick up any stray eye shadow that may have fallen down. The simple gesture sent his conscience spiraling off into a different time, as he envisioned his mother before him, her finger waggling in front of her face.

"Oh no Cloudina, you mustn't ever rub your eyes unless it is to pick up stray shadow," His mother scolded, as the blonde cringed slightly, half expecting a backhand across the face to accompany the words of advice.

"So… If I rub it, it smudges?"

"Yes," Cloud's mother nodded, as she then tottered Cloud across the room in a pair of her heels, "Now smile and tell mummy how pretty you are!"

"I'm… I'm a boy mum," Cloud pouted, as Mrs. Strife gave her best death glare. Grateful that it wasn't shopping day and they'd run out of soda and alcoholic beverages, Cloud received no bottle across his skull, but instead, cringed at his mother's words.

"You're… pretty, Cloudina, aren't you?" She bit back on each word as the blonde plastered on his 'model' face and stuck out his arms, doing a twirl.

"I'm a pretty girl, mummy!" He offered with the sweetest smile he could muster, even as alarm bells went off in his head, and his conscience begged him to get the hell out of there before this shit did him some permanent damage.

"Hmmm! Good, splendid!" the fat man's musings drew Cloud back to reality.

"I'm a pretty girl!" The blonde smiled sweetly, as the Don cast a glance over at him. Tifa eyed him off wearily, as the Don looked over Aerith, and Cloud cleared his throat in a manly matter. That only earned a glare from Aerith, as Corneo moved over to Tifa.

"Cloud!" she hissed under her breath in warning, "You're meant to be a girl!"

"I know Aerith, Gaia. What are you, my mum?" Cloud replied in a clipped tone, as Aerith arched a brow. The blonde simply returned his gaze to the front of him as Corneo continued to ramble on. That was, until the Don stopped before him, all charm and… fat. Cloud didn't meet his gaze, and refused to several more times, for fear of possibly snaring the Don's attention with his blatantly, amazingly gorgeous eyes.

"Woo-hoo, I've made up my mind!! My choice for tonight is....." The Don paused, as Cloud looked around for the source of some kind of… drum roll?

I need to get myself someone who does that on command.

"This healthy-looking girl!" The Don's musings brought him back, as the fat blonde before him wiggled his hips a little in Cloud's direction.

…fuck.

"Wa, wait a sec! I mean, uh, please wait a moment!" Cloud said in an unusually high pitched voice, even more so than his 'feminine' tones.

"Woo-hoo! I love chickies who play hard to get! Yeowza!" Don leered, as he wiggled his brows, and Cloud was almost certain he threw up in his mouth a little. Don then gave Tifa and Aerith to his flunkies, as Cloud contemplated how much profit he could make as a pimp, before the blonde was lead away by Corneo and his fat, jiggling hips.

--

Cloud's eyes scanned the room with something a little more than simple distaste.

Does this guy think we're still in the sixties or something?

"I think I smell weed…"

Oh ew.

"Ahh, we're finally alone... All right, pussycat... Come to daddy!" Corneo leered, as Cloud awkwardly scratched the back of his wig.

Is this guy for real?

"…You think you're any better?"

Cloud reluctantly shuffled over and stood beside the bed, all pride and prejudice like.

"You're so cute, I never get tired of looking at you," Corneo grinned, as Cloud lit up like a Christmas tree, "Do you like me, too?"

…He thinks I'm pretty.

"Of course!" Cloud said softly, all seduction and sweetness rolled into one irresistible 'Strife Special', "I never get tired of looking at me either. We clearly have a lot in common…"

"You sure do know how to make a guy feel good!" Corneo leered a little more, "Then wh... what do you want to DO?"

Cloud stilled a little. He wouldn't mind going for pizza or something, actually. It'd been awhile since he'd eaten and all this… exercise? Well, it couldn't be good for him, surely. Corneo should maybe become a mercenary, with that in mind. But, Cloud was a pleaser, and so his answer was whatever his new pimp daddy wanted it to be.

"Whatever YOU want, daddy," Cloud practically purred, despite having his voice break mid sentence. Corneo raised a brow, but oddly enough, didn't seem deterred by this new change of events.

He likes his girls manly. I'm in!

"Oh for the love of Gaia…"

"Oh man! I can't stand it! All right, then...." Corneo paused dramatically, and Cloud was almost a little put off by this man's stage skills. Was it possible that Cloud could be out-acted?

"…oh no, never."

"Give me a kiss! A KISS!!" Don grinned, as Cloud instinctively began to lean in.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

What? He asked for it!

"Are you freaking crazy?!"

It was at that moment that Aerith and Tifa busted through the door, Tifa throwing Cloud a look of awed mortification as the blonde continued to pucker up for the Don, despite his eyes turning to the door at the commotion.

"Cloud... Were you really...?" Tifa began to ask.

"I swear to Shiva if you don't deny everything, I'm disowning you."

…What?

"SAY NO."

Cloud shook his head violently, before striking a manly pose and jumping back from the Don, tearing his dress off in the process, revealing his full SOLDIER garb underneath, complete with Buster Sword.

"A man?! What's going on?!" Don cried, before furrowing his brows slightly, "You know… how the hell did you keep that all under there?"

"Shut up, we're asking the questions now..." Tifa threatened, "What did your assistants find out? Talk! If you don't tell us..."

Cloud placed a foot up on the bed, as Don looked him over again.

"You know, you really are very muscular. How did you fit under there? Seriously?" Corneo asked, as Tifa sighed and repeated her threat.

"…I'll chop them off," Cloud warned, a toothy grin along his features. Whilst he didn't entirely agree with the punishment, anyone with acting skills like Corneo could not be allowed to have children. Cloud had to eliminate the threat from the source.

"No! Not that! I'll talk! I'll tell you everything!" Corneo nodded enthusiastically, as he continued to leer at Tifa and Aerith.

"Keep your eyes off my women!" Cloud bellowed, as Aerith and Tifa both gave sidelong glances at him.

"…Idiot."

"...I made 'em find out where the man with the gun-arm was. But that's what I was ordered to do," Corneo said in defense of himself, Cloud's previous comment seemingly ignored.

Gotta work on my street cred.

"By who?" Tifa asked suspiciously, but Corneo denied being able to sacrifice such information. That is… until Aerith threatened to rip them off. Cloud cringed a little where he stood, but didn't react nearly as hysterically as Corneo, who outright wailed.

"Waaaaah--! It was Heidegger of Shinra! Heidegger, the head of Public Safety Maintenance!" Corneo blabbered.

"The head of Public Safety Maintenance?" Cloud repeated.

Cloud then cringed a little more as Tifa threatened to… smash them?

"Oh come on!" Cloud cried in defence of the fat pimp, "Some things are just cruel!"

Once again, however, his comment went un-noticed, and he resumed his sulking in the corner, whilst Corneo talked about something like dinner plates or whatever. Wasn't that big of a deal, according to Cloud.

"Cloud, will you come with me to sector 7?" Tifa then asked, as Cloud stopped picking at the hem of his shirt and started paying attention.

"Of course, Tofu," He said almost robotically. Cloud then shifted off slightly into thoughts that maybe when typing up details of her birth certificate, Tifa had been a typo. Cloud thought on it harder and realized how startingly close the 'i' and 'o' on a keyboard were. Very plausible. Before Tifa could backhand him, however, Corneo was waggling his fat ass all over the bed and demanding they wait. Cloud would hear no more from the man who refused him a kiss before the girls showed up, and put his foot down.

"Shut up!" He said as manly as he could muster, but it didn't stop the little waver of emotional distress on his tone. Rejection was a bitch.

"No wait, it'll only take a second. How do you think scum like me feels when they babble on about the truth?" Corneo asked, as Cloud thought long and hard about the situation.

Any ideas?

"Keep me the hell out of it; I'm not talking to you any more."

"They're… sure they'll win?" Cloud suggested, as Corneo did the weird hip wiggle again, repulsing all three other occupants of the room.

"Woo-hoo! Right!" Corneo grinned, before flicking a switch on his bed post and sending the party falling through the floor.

WHAT THE HELL?! This is what I get for being right?!

"…Well, you're not, usually, so I guess it is a surprise…"

I thought you weren't talking to me…

"…"

--

President Shinra looked up at the life-sized doll's emotionless face, his fingers creasing the cheek softly.

"Oh Sephiroth… Why don't you get more comfortable?" Shinra purred, slowly moving behind the doll.

His hands ran down the shoulders, before removing the coat, "My… what big muscles you have… and such lovely flowing hair. Tell me, is everything Masamune size?"

"Mister President…Sir?" Heidegger interrupted, Shinra spinning around to see the head of public safety and maintenance, as well as Reeve, head of urban development, standing in front of the desk with mortified expressions.

"Wh…What are you two doing?! I told you never interrupt me during my private reflection time!" Shinra threw the jacket over the doll, "What did you two want anyway?"

"Ah Sir, the preparations are complete…" Heidegger said, his eyes drifting to the covered doll.

"President!! Are we really going to do this? Simply destroy a group with only a few members..." Reeve cried, stopping half way through to cover his mouth in his efforts to keep his vomit in.

"What's the problem, Reeve? You want out?" The President asked before moving back in front of the doll, his hand slowly rubbing up and down the chest, seemingly no longer bothered by the presence of an audience.

"...No," Reeve said flatly, before turning his gaze away from the president and his…doll, "But, as head of the Urban Development Department, I have been involved in the building and running of Midgar. That's why..."

Heidegger interrupted, "Reeve, you should flush those personal problems in the morning!"

Reeve tried to bring up the mayor also being against it, but was shot down again by Heidegger, who then saluted the president and left. He was followed shortly after by an extremely uncomfortable Reeve, leaving the president and the doll completely alone again.

"Ah, finally we are alone again, my pet…" Shinra smirked, as he reached for the jacket, moving in as close as he could before grabbing it. He inhaled the scent of the leather a bit, before swinging it around and sliding his arms into the proper holes.

"Oh President…my jacket looks soo good on you," Shinra said, attempting to dub Sephiroth's voice.

"Well how about a little…role-play then?" The president replied to himself, before moving closer to the doll and subtly rubbing up against it.

-Meanwhile, back at Turk Headquarters-

A well-kept brow arched elegantly, as the video footage in front of him on the monitor gradually progressed into something a little less than… normal.

"Uh, Rude, could you come in here a minute please?" Tseng called out, as the bald-headed man entered his senior's office and raised a brow in question. The Turk Commander gestured at the monitor, his eyes transfixed, like a horrible car accident that you just couldn't turn away from.

"Well how about a little…role-play then?" The monitor speaker's exclaimed, as the bald-headed Turk's jaw dropped substantially. For a man with darker skin, Rude could certainly blush when the need arose, and arise it did. Both he and Tseng stared in morbid horror at the scene unfolding before them, sitting in the mostly dark room, as the light from the screen danced across their skin.

"Yo, I grabbed a tray of lattés and a cup of that fancy shit you like while I was down in sector six," Reno chattered in Tseng's direction, as he waltzed in smelling of cheap perfume, and lipstick on his collar, "And did ya see the new broad they've got at the Honeybee? Not being picky but- FOR THE LOVE OF GAIA, WHAT IS THAT?!"

The redhead dropped the tray of coffee in morbid amusement, as he abruptly rushed to his senior's chair and peered over the Commander's shoulder.

"Oh Sephiroth, please, allow me to save your world!"

"Did he… what?" Reno snorted, hysterical, as Rude and Tseng looked on in horror. It was then that the light switch flicked on, and the perky blonde head of the secretary, Elena waltzed into the room.

At the distraction, all three men raised their eyes.

"Oh hey!" She smiled widely, "What are you guys do-?"

"Nothing! Go, get out!" Tseng rushed, hurriedly covering the screen as Rude blushed further, and tears streamed down Reno's cheeks. Elena reluctantly left the room, presuming they were probably looking at porn from Reno's reaction. She'd never know the truth of how very close to right she was.

--

Cloud, Aerith and Tifa came flying out of the shoot, landing in what seemed to be the slum sewers. Cloud was first up as he swore about how now he would have to burn his outfit, before noticing something go floating past his leg slowly. He bit back the shriek threatening to spill forward.

Oh Gaia I hope that wasn't what I think it is!

Cloud ran over to Aerith helping her up before asking if she was ok.

Like a good boyfriend should!

It then hit him that he should probably check if Tifa was ok, too.

"Man this is terrible!" Tifa proclaimed, and for once Cloud actually agreed with her. After all, there was little that was worse than landing in a sewer; let alone the slum sewer. He frowned a bit at the thought of all the kinds of things he could catch from this stuff, as he was no longer covered by SOLDIER's health care plan.

"Well, the worst is over!" Aerith brushed herself down a bit, before a loud rumbling grabbed there attention, "Maybe not…"

Why is it every time someone says that, something terrible happens?

A large aqua blue monstrosity came from out of nowhere, giving a loud and mean roar, before the trio were thrust into battle with it.

Holy shit, the rumours about the monsters in the sewers is true!

"200 gil on the monster."

You're on!

Before long, the battle was over, but not before the monster had used a tidal wave of sewer water as a weapon against them. Cloud flicked the water from his hands, screaming that he needed a bath or a shower in extremely hot water to get clean after this incident, which also probably traumatized him further.

"…That thought is… concerning."

You owe me two hundred gil, you know.

"Cloud, just think about the logic there…"

Cloud stretched and let out a small frown as his makeup streaked down his cheeks. His mum would have a field day.

--

A/N:

Chapter Images: Spoppy is currently working away from home, where she does NOT have a scanner. *sob, sob, tear* Will be taking pics with me when I visit daddy, who has a scanner, and you may have your lol-pics then. Look out for links on our profile page, as always. :3

Spopococ: Rest assured, Hunter sent me his input from Germany. Apparently they have ADSL over there or something. Yay. Hope you liked the chapter. As always, we now have chapter images, so if you missed the last ones, they're on our page… Wait, hang on… Uh… Hi there…

HunterBelmont: Gluten Tag! Or as the locals say "Bongiorno!"

Spopococ: …How did you get back he- Uh… How did your 'holiday' go?

HunterBelmont: ...Last thing I remember was being told there were cookies in that shipping container... by you… Then something pricked my neck and I woke up in Italy.

Spopococ: Germany.

HunterBelmont: Bless you.

Spopococ: *facepalm* As you can see, we based Cloud off a real life person!

HunterBelmont: Really? Who?

Spopococ: …Thanks for reading.

Additional: a special shout out to Kiti Renentine Spop says she loves you! Oh and Happy Zombie Jesus weekend to all!