Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine; story was made up by me. This was not created for profit.

Warning/Rating: MATURE. Not for the under-aged or faint hearted.

Pairing: Spike/Hmmm. A bit of Angelus. A bit of Angel. Giles. And Riley.

A/N: This story has been laying around for ages. Its what was almost Betray, I had two sets of ideas and these are some of the ones I couldn't incorporate, expect overlap!

I only want this to be about 6 chapters long, its to help me get these ideas over and done with.

Oh and: I SUCK at first person, so this whole thing is a little cruddy.

[S] = Spike POV

I can hear them talking about me, but I don't really listen. I can't even remember how long I've been chained up in this demeaning prison. Blood coming once a day, consisting of just a mug full has left me too weak to even attempt escaping now. Not that I could in the first place, this bleeding chip in my head meant all they had to do was push me back down again.

It's pathetic, I'm pathetic. I need to be fed, I need a cigarette, I need a hard shot of whisky.. I need someone to.. -wait what's that? Who are they talking to? I know that voice.. Why is it filling my body with fear. I'm shaking, that voice is releasing memories i don't want. That didn't happen, none of it happened, NEVER HAPPENED.. So why is his voice here?

*G = Giles POV

I'll have to admit I had my concerns when Buffy said that her new.. Boyfriend? Was from the Initiative. But he turned out to be very useful. He's quite keen on Hosti -I mean Spike, I suppose if you had the chance to speak to the one demon that defeated you, you'd be curious too.. I haven't let him see him yet, something in the back of my mind tells me it's not a good idea, but i know I'm just being senile. Seeing Spike is so unresponsive these days, I'd be little difference. I was considering unchaining Spike after this, his chip seemed to save us from any retaliation and now Riley was here, we didn't need him for the information we were holding him for. But Riley was worried the chip may not be so effective, so maybe I should just stop getting involved.

Oh gosh, talking about the fiendish vampire. I can't remember when i last fed him, I should go do that now.

*

Opening the door I met a frightful situation. If I'd had become accustomed to Spikes reactions and expressions, the one I met as I entered the bathroom, wasn't something I'd ever seen before.

Shaking, panting, utter fright passing through deep blue eyes. If anything was to be called normal, it would be the blood littering his jaw but on a second glance you would notice that the origins of that blood came from the pale wrists, sanctioned to hard metal cuffs. The petrified expression stayed on the pale flawless face for longer than I thought I could ever handle, but then faded as did the face itself as Spike turned away from me.

[S]

It had gone silent, and normally that meant that something was about to occur. Weak from lack of blood, I couldn't sense who was still in the house. Shit, there's definitely someone coming closer to this door. Please don't, please leave me. I've got to get out, I've got to get out of these chains keeping me here. I'll bite through my flesh if i have to, ouch.. Not working. Ow, fuck... No.. Ow.. Ow.. OW.. God! I'll break my bone and rip through the tendons if it means getting away. No! No, please don't be him. Please don't let it be him opening the door. Please leave me. Please..

Shame was what came through the door, carried by the Watcher. He looked at me with a look that was most probably disgust. I froze in limbo, desperately trying to salvage a form of pride -but then of course. I'm pathetic. I deserve no pride, I lost that with this chip. In that.. Place.. I give up, even the Watcher is better than me, at least he can stand. At least he has a soul, a reflection, an answer from God. What do I have? None of those, and I don't even have freedom. All these centuries of murder and feeding, just to be left without a purpose. I don't have a family, Dru -gone. Angelus... Gone. Replaced by some tight arse poof.

The Watcher was still in the room, I just want him to leave. So I can fall further into self pity, make a list of all the unjust things that had happened to me. I don't even care about blood now. Let me starve, my existence is that insignificant, if I don't feed.. I'm not really here.

"Spike.. Would you like a book, to urm. Read. You must be a little bored... What do you read? I suppose my collection would be a little boring for you.."

Is he really speaking to me? I'm not really sure, I thought i didn't exist.

"Do you have anything on vampires?

Shit, that sounded ridiculous. I really am pathetic, but someone speaking to me in a kind voice feels so good. Maybe I should just ask him to kill me now, so my last memory isn't full of pain.

*G

He seemed to go into himself, as if his very presence faded slightly. It scared me a little, this was Spike. Robust, sharp, rude, vile, all together very unpleasant. I hadn't really noticed until now that those traits slowly had been reducing since he'd been kept here. Maybe there's nothing left of him.. Maybe he's just started to disappear. Wouldn't that be good? No more irritating prisoner, no more blood duties, no more.. Vampire in your bathroom. But he doesn't seem very much like a vampire, right now he looks very... Human. A very young, hurt, lonely human. Who's been locked in this bathroom for god knows how long now with nothing to do all day.

"Spike.. Would you like a book, to urm. Read. You must be a little bored... What do you read? I suppose my collection would be a little boring for you.."

I wasn't very sure if he heard me, he didn't seem to emerge from himself. But then a soft voice, which was so vulnerable it scared me.

"Do you have any on vampires?"

It took a second to compute, but then I realized he was probably humoring me, so I laughed politely.

"Why yes, I think I have a few. I'll bring a few in... Is that ok?"

"Yes... ...Thank you"

It was the thank you that undid me, Spike saying thank you. In a sincere tone of voice... I became... Troubled to say the least. But, also... fascinated. Here was Spike, William the Bloody. Childe of.. Oh that's a point. Was it Dru or Angelus that sired Spike..

[S]

I tried not to be too excited about the Watcher returning, with the books of course. And maybe some blood, I mean, I need to exist to read... I tried to resist it, busied myself with licking my wounds. Cleaning my face, wouldn't want to get any blood on the Watcher's books!

No, I wouldn't get my hopes up. What's the point? A few books and a mug of blood, didn't really live up to what counted as an existence. Maybe that was the point, I'm dead. I was made to maim and kill, to drink, to serve his Sire; -what happens when you take all those away? There's nothing left.. So maybe it's better to go now, go before you kid yourself into it being better than that..

But there might be something in the books! Something that would explain, or mention what I'm supposed to do now. Angel got his little helpers from the powers that be, maybe I'll get one from the Powers that Un-be. Maybe I'll get something..

*G

I was little unhinged to say the least. As a Watcher I had done a lot of research into vampire behaviour. At times even allowed myself to stoop past the black and white to the murky grey waters, where I indulged into seeing them as a society of forms. Attempted to understand their bonds, which at times came very close to human familial love.

But what I saw in Spike was far murkier than that. It was brutal, it was, human pain and anguish. All I could do to reason with myself was to reiterate how many times that mass-murder had caused that look on other's faces. Remind myself that the only reason such a creature was in pain, was because it was denied the ability to spread fear and cause pain among humans.

After pacing for a few minutes, which turned out to be half an hour; I felt better. I fetched blood, blood for the creature which would much rather drain us all.. And selected a few books. It was not uncommon for vampires to wish to study, many sires forced their childes to study.. There's that question again.

Unfortunately, before I got a chance ask Spike, Buffy burst through the door pleading help with a vicious demon. Instead I shrugged my duties to Xander and asked him to deliver the books and blood instead.

[S]

It was a trap, a brilliantly laid trap by the Watcher. What better way to keep a someone down, than promise them a lifeline.. And deny it.

He was out there for ages, fussing doing stuff. Making noise. I desperately tried to stop listening, allow him to take his time. Not get myself too excited. But he left. I almost screamed, I almost cried. I began shaking, and the sound of the metal chains hitting against the bath tub wall nearly split my mind in half. WHY?! Why did he do that..

I always knew Darla would never come, I knew Dru was not always capable of coming. And I knew now, Angelus would never come. I'm a pack animal, I always had my sire, a sire. But now I'm stuck here and let myself, WHY DID I LET MYSELF rely on some ambivalent human who.. Who wouldn't come.

NO ONE IS COMING SPIKE, WHY ARE YOU STILL WAITING?

When Xander came to give me the blood the Watcher was supposed to bring I attempted to come to life. Maybe the boy would double the dosage.

Worse, he didn't even wait to let me finish the cup. Before leaving it on the sink. I could smell the blood but couldn't reach it.

Why are you still waiting Will? No one will come...

*G

It was worse than a vicious demon, Buffy had thought it was a possession; I knew better. These vampires had turned mere children. Toddlers even, their small bodies hardly fit for the violence they were inflicting. There were three more children, mutilated. Spread out in a sordid fashion across roads and cars. Willow was sick, I couldn't blame her.

We finally tracked them and staked them, Buffy cried all the way home. I advised them to both sleep at Willows, and Xander caught up with us in time to walk them home.

Some nights I don't think I'm cut out to a Watcher, knowing I am the ne forcing these young people to come up against such creatures, because they are the only ones that can... I'm sickened with myself.

I see that Xander didn't give Spike the books I picked out for him..

All I can think is of how many innocent people; innocent children, he's killed. How much pain he's caused. That's probably where he learnt those expression, first hand experience. And he's probably so smug knowing that as a weak human I fell for it..

I scowl in disgust at the closed door between us, make my way upstairs to bed.