Chapter Four

Badgers

HI people. Let's skip any formal welcome here. I'm bored of saying "welcome readers, blablahblah.

Anyway…..Welcome…future reviewers of this story, to the 4th episode of the graphic, How to Annoy Heroes and Influence Villains. Today, badgers will be our subject of inquiry. I would have done them singularly, but then the chapter would have been too short. I had a quite a bit of trouble corralling these badgers you see before me, but I had some help from a couple of friends. Meet Wurgg the Spinecracker over here,(points to gigantic weasel with huge muscles) and over there is Gulo the Savage. (points at giant, sharp-toothed wolverine). Anyway, I….

Boar the Fighter: (has chewed through his gag) This is the work of that horrible Ripfang! Rally to me hares!

Lord Brocktree: No Boar. We have just been captured for the cruel enjoyment of the frenzied crowd.

Sunflash the Mace: Man, that weasels freakishly strong, dude!

Creega: I wanted to come. Someone told me Damug Warfang would be here.

Damug Warfang: Here I am!!

(Creega strains furiously at bonds)

Damug: In actual size too! Brian Jacques said that I was a Greatrat, and Greatrats are twice the size of normal rats! So I ain't afraid of you no more.

Creega: Scum! I will take you on no matter what size you are!!!

(some stereotypical mouse Abbot walks in)

Abbot: It doesen't matter what size you are, Damug my son. For good will always defeat evil, and Redwall's doors will always be open to any kind creatures, and hares will always eat a lot, and strawberry cordial will always taste good, and serpents will always be scary, and friars will always be fat, and…..

Everyone: WE GET IT!

Author: Anyway, as I was saying before Boar interrupted me—

Ripfang: HA Boar! I might've gone to 'ellgates, but I took yer wit' me! Haharr!

Boar: Ripfang! I'm gonna spike ye on me war helmet!

Ripfang: Fat chance, pig! Heehee, get it? Boar, pig. A Boar is a wild male pig. Get it? Pig? Haharr!

Author: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh……..

Author: yeah, sure, whatever.

(Russano walks is)

Russano: Is this the wisdom convention? I got a letter in the mail saying that this was a wisdom convention.

Brocktree: Run, Russano! Run like Wurgg the Spinecracker and Gulo the Savage are chasing you!

Russano: Huh?

(suddenly, Russano is grabbed by Wurgg the spinecracker, tossed into a chair, and tied up by a leering Gulo)

Author: Thanks guys!

Damug and Ripfang: We are still here ya know!

Author: Not for long. Wurgg!

(the spinecracker lifts the weasels, one in each paw, and throws them out the window)

Author: again, thanks!

Gulo: Mr. Author guy, can I fight one of the badgers? I like fighting!

Author: No, Gulo. Why don't you go watch Wrestling in the other room for a while, ok?

Gulo: GO UNDERTAKER!!! WOOT!

(Gulo sprints into other room, followed by Wurgg, who doesen't speak and is thus incapable of saying "Go Triple H!")

Sunflash: How come Swartt Sixclaw and Ungatt Trunn didn't come to taunt us? Is it because their hate at us isn't strong enough to draw them here? Cause me and Brocktree are inferior heroes? Who don't inspire limitless hate in their enemies??????

Ungatt Trunn: No, we just wanted to watch from the wings and wait for Wurgg and Gulo to leave the room so we don't get kicked out the window like those 2 bozos, Damug, and Ripfang.

Swartt: Yeah, we are smart that way. I forget, why did I come here again? Oh yeah…SUNFLASH YOU STUPID BADGER!! COME OVER HERE AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!

Sunflash: But I'm all tied to this chair!

Swartt: Duh. That's why I'm challenging you! And I'm doing it to impress bluefen.

Ungatt Trunn: I'm here to kill Brocktree. I mean, I'm a wildcat, come on! Yer a stupid badger, you should be wiping my boots!

Brocktree: Say that again, scum, and I'll be wiping yore boots with your tongue!

Ungatt: Yeah sure, but for now, yer bound to a chair, so I can say whatever I want, savvy?

Brocktree: Sigh* Yeah I know.

(sounds of huge crashes from the other room)

Author: What's going on???!!!

(Wurgg and Gulo roll into the room, wrestling.)t

Gulo: He said that the Great Khali could kick the Undertaker's butt!

(Wurgg makes some peculiar and motions and appears to be bodyslamming an invisible enemy)

Creega: Oh yeah? Well John Cena could kick both of their butts!

Gulo: You're just saying that cause you think he's hot!

Creega: Noooooooo……..

Sunflash: Well, I personally prefer Vladimir Kozlov….

Brocktree: Him? Big Show is the real man!

Sunflash: Big Show? HA! He's just a big fatty! Maybe you can relate to him, that's why you like him…..

Brocktree: Be careful what you say to yore granddad, boy!

Author: Why are we talking about wrestling here? I'm supposed to annoy people!

Ungatt Trunn: Yer doing that.

Author: Shaddup.

Author: Enough chit chat! It starts now!!

Disclaimre: I don't own Brian Jacques or redwall. If I did, I'd be rich and famous.

Subject A: Creega Rose Eyes

1. When she is in a bad mood, tell her that her eyes look bloodshot, and that she should lay off the drinks before battle. Oh yeah, and then tell her to go take a nap.

2. Tell her she has man-hands or something like that.

3. Tell her she has an obsessive disorder with hunting Damug Warfang, and that she should settle down and marry.

4. Tell her that John Cena is a weakling.

5. Ask her if she wants a psychiatrist to help her with her anger management issues.

Boar the Fighter:

1. When he is sleeping, sneak up on him, and yell "RIPFANG!" in his ear.

Then run.

2. Tell him he is part of the mustelid family, and is thus Ripfang's second cousin.

3. Call him an ole'granpa.

4. Steal his sword?

5. Make a exact copy of his sword Verminfate out of lead, and put it in the original swords place. Then when he can't lift the sword, tell him he must be getting old.

Russano the Wise:

1. Tell him he has a stupid weapon.

2. Say "If you were so smart, Russano, you wouldn't have been here!

3. Tell him he needs to get the bloodwrath soon or he'll die with a disease called badgernowrathitis".

4. Tell him that e isn't pronouncing "eulalia" correctly, and that he is stressing the "E" too much. This should worry him sick.

Sunflash the Mace:

1. Shave off his blond hair.

2. Change his name to Scumtripe.

3. Give him an exploding club for his birthday.

Lord Brocktree:

1. Tie him up, and have Dotti sing to him all day long.

Gorath the Flame:

1. Tell him that the scab on his head looks hideous.

2. Say that his weapon is useless, the only weapon lamer than it is Russano's stick, and that it would never be useable in battle anywhere except in fiction.

3. Send him scary dreams in which Vizka Longtooth menaces him with a whirling mace.

There it is! I would have added more badgers, but there isn't that much material about them.

I need at least 12 reviews to fill up my ego bar in order for me to post the next chapter. so that means that the review number has to hit 37.

REDA AND REVIEW.