It was all so bloody ridiculous, and Remus wondered for the half-billionth time just how he ended up in such silly situations with such silly boys. Teenagers, if one wished to be specific.

If he shut his eyes quite tightly, Remus could almost pretend they were still grimy, idiotic eleven-year-olds, trouncing about the castle with a collective air of invulnerability. He could close his eyes and ignore the outline of James' figure, crammed silently into the broom cupboard a few centimeters away- choose not to see the dim wandlight reflecting off of James' inexplicably windblown hair.

Unfortunately, he could not un-see things. However, Remus was quite sure there must be some magical way unbeknownst to him of blotting out an unwanted image or ten(thousand), and he was damn determined to find it. Then he could be rid of images like James' eyes looking all bleary and unfocused after one too many of Sirius's infamous butterbeers- or the sparse, dark trail of hair that ran from James' navel towards…

And that's another thing Remus wondered about- whether thoughts could be un-thought. Like the ones he found himself having as he listened to the stifled, soft sounds of slick skin on flesh emanating from the bed beside his in the dead of night. Or the ones he had when James and Sirius got smashed and whored about the dormitory, laying sloppy, drunken kisses on their fellow Marauders. Or the particularly inconvenient thoughts he was having just then, because damn it, he could feel Prongs breathing for godsakes and the closet was much too small for two teenagers, and perhaps death-by-Filch was really the better option.

Remus shifted a little to the left, edging away from the increasingly warm figure that was, by then, brushing against his arm. It was just too much and he though he might pass out from the heat and the lack of air and, mostly, the lack of space. And James wasn't helping, but that was James. Leave it to the imperturbable Prongs to chose a stuffy old cupboard as the setting for his latest performance of "Wind Moony Up Until He Nearly Cries". Obnoxious git. He usually reserved such performances for an audience, but apparently tonight was the exception.

James and Sirius always were like that- a couple of pubescent sex-maniacs, and a fine set of friends Remus had chose for himself. Wormtail never paid the two's exhibitionism any mind, aside from laughing a bit too heartily when Sirius or James would attempt to involve Remus in their little pseudo-sexual vignettes. It was perfectly sickening, but that never stopped Remus from amusedly looking on (perhaps a bit more intently than was wise).

Still, it felt far less amusing in the dark. Alone. Alone, with Prongs. James began wriggling against the wall a bit—and just when did the backs of their hands start touching? Fuck, it was truly too bleeding cramped for any of this nonsense. Remus edged away, only to find himself pressed firmly into a corner, face to face with a rather intrigued looking Marauder.

"Sweet Moony, why so distant?" James whispered in a sing-songy voice that made Remus want to deal him a very hard smack.

"Prongs, if you don't getoffa me, I swear, I will hex your testicles off and gift them to Filch as earrings," Remus half-whispered, half-growled.

"Sure you wouldn't rather keep 'em for yourself?" James snickered.

"James Potter, contrary to what your ego leads you to believe, the vast majority of the wizarding world has absolutely no interest in your privates. Myself included."

"Really? Because your cock's certainly taken notice."

"Prongs, what—" But he couldn't very well deny it. He could feel the thin fabric of his trousers stretched uncomfortably over his erection, and he knew with the way James was standing, his leg wedged just so, he could feel it as well. And the thought of it was wholly mortifying.

"Aggh, lighten up, Moonsy. Happens to the best of us. By which I mean me, of course. And I 'spose Sirius. He always thought you were a poof anyway- not that he minds, indiscriminant tart that he is."

"Prongs, I'm not the one insinuating my thigh between the legs of another bloke, rather inappropriately I might add."

"Inappropriately?" James flashed a crooked smile.

"Inappropriately. Highly so."

"Right, well. Come on then, Moons, let's hear a bit of that Prefectly authority—tell me where to get off. Tell me where to go," whispered James with a chuckle.

"James Pot-t-t-t-tahaghhhh."

But Remus lost himself mid-telling-off when James slid a slightly sticky palm under the back of Remus's jumper and dipped a thumb into the waistband of his slacks.

"Well fuck me, Remus that was quite the stern talking-to just there. Head Boy in the making you are."

The breath in Remus's lungs felt wholly inadequate, but he stuttered out something to the effect of "Bugger off—great sodding—bastard—slut."

"Slut? Me?" James replied, batting his charcoal lashes in laughable faux-innocence.

Remus doubted very seriously whether James could rival Sirius's alleged exploits- but then again, if asked, Sirius would likely claim a year's worth of girls' damp knickers as conquered territory, and none of the other Marauders believed that whole-heartedly anyway. However, a few clumsy groping sessions fourth year notwithstanding, he was quite certain that James had him at a disadvantage experience-wise. Not that he hadn't had offers, of course. All and all, it was quite worrying, but hardly as much so as the way Prongs was leaning into his chest, so that Remus's fucking nipples felt obliged to get in on the game. It was so goddamn absurd, it was unfathomable.

"James, come on," Remus said, though it came out with much less authority and much more pleading than he would have preferred.

"Heh, come on what? Be specific, darling" he breathed against Remus's face.

"You stupid prat," Remus hissed, trying to slide out from where James had him pinned. It was hardly effective, mostly because James stood a good deal taller and outweighed the slightly gaunt werewolf by at least a couple of stones. In essence, Remus managed only to rub his erection firmly against Prongs' thigh, making matters worse.

In the now dying wandlight, James' mouth opened to say something, but he hesitated, licking his bottom lip in that subconscious-but-still-charmingly-seductive way of his, and Remus had had it. Without a moment of Remus-like contemplation, he threw James against the opposite wall of the increasingly tiny cupboard. His wand clattered to the floor, and Prongs' legs must have got caught up on a mop or something, because his arms flung around Remus's neck for balance and he was pulling Remus closer than necessary, closer than he should be. But it didn't seem to matter, because bits of their bodies got pressed together that really ought not have been pressed- or perhaps they should have, because in any case if felt really really good.

"Moony…"

"What?" Remus gasped irritably. Irritated at James for being so close and the room for being so small and his own body for being so damn pleased about it.

"I think—" but whatever it was, he seemed to think better of it, pressing his mouth hard against Remus's, letting his left hand glide up into his already messy golden hair. James' lips were a tad slobbery but then his tongue- fuck, his tongue was on Remus's and it was all soft and hot and sort of strange, but in a really fucking amazing way.

From there things went a bit hazy, and half of the time Remus couldn't quite tell if he was sighing or Prongs was or if he was just imagining it. James worked his other hand between them, finding the hem of Remus's shirt and probing underneath. All Remus could do was whine and suck and bite at Prongs' mouth, struggling desperately to stay upright while his knees abandoned him in his moment of need. Then they shifted and all the air went from Remus's lungs in a long shuddered breath- he could feel James' cock digging into his stomach, pressing and prodding him in the same extremely persistent way that James did everything.

For a few minutes, there was no sound, save for accidental gasps and stifled moans. At some point Remus's tie went missing and as did the top two buttons of James' wrinkly shirt. They fumbled over one another's bodies with grasping, frantic hands, until they resembled a sweaty, desperate many-limbed creature. Prongs leaned his head against the wall, and Remus took advantage, licking and kissing the exposed, salty skin between collar and hairline.

"You're—You're really quite talented, Moony. Who'da thought you were such a dirty little pup behind that badge. I mean, everyone knows Sirius is a bit of a whore, but if they only had an inkling…"

"James…" said Remus, seriously regretting having left James' mouth unoccupied. He stepped back. There were lines that they- that all decent mates simply did not cross. Sure, he'd heard Prongs and Padfoot tossed off together, but that was just for a laugh and hardly abnormal, Remus figured. But this, this was very far from normal, and he strongly suspected that Sirius never had the urge to work his way across every inch of James's stupid, delicious skin. Then again, Padfoot was a bit strange—but still, it wasn't right. And he certainly did not want to be thinking about Sirius at that particular moment anyway.

"Wha?" Prongs whispered back, sounding annoyed.

"Filch is probably gone. He wouldn't have stuck around more'n a minute or two… wasn't even that strong of a spell…" Remus said shakily, trying to disentangle himself from James, though it appeared as though their robes had merged into one mass of fabric.

"Are you bloody serious?" James shot back incredulously.

"Well, it just seems that— that we're more likely to get into trouble for being found like th— for being found in a broom closet near the scene of the crime than we are for being spotted on our way back to the tower. And you know if Filch has the chance, he'll have you in detention the rest of term, especially after you and Sirius blew up his office… again."

"It was so worth it though…" James muttered, nostalgically. "Right. Well, wouldn't want to jeopardize that immaculate record of yours. Best be getting on, I 'spose."

For a simultaneously gorgeous and crushing moment, Remus thought James was moving to open the door, but then he found himself flung against a wall for the second time that evening, with James' hand thrust down the front of his trousers, doing something unspeakably obscene.

"Prongs!" Remus gasped harshly, as a hand wrapped snugly around his cock and gave a gentle pull. He meant to ask James just what the fuck he thought he was doing, but Remus's brain was too busy buzzing with the sensation of James' fingers everywhere- on his prick and digging into the back of his neck and grazing his balls.

"What?" James whispered, coyly, without stilling.

"We have to—we were just… ughh leaving"

"'Course we are, but you can't very well go prancing up to the common room with your wang about to burst your trousers, now can you?"

"I- no, bu—"

"So shut up already and lemme finish," said James, screwing up his face in concentration. "Got to be getting on as it were, wouldn't want to be caught in a compromising situation."

But Prongs didn't sound anxious, he sounded cocky and unbearable and far too amused for Remus's liking. All at once, Remus decided he needn't be the only one compromised.

-----

"Ohhhohoh gods," James gasped, throwing back his head and jerking into Remus's hand. "Fuck. Fuckshitbuggeringfuck!"

Moony's hand was shoved in his knickers before James had a chance to chastise him in the slightest. This was weird as fuck, but he honestly couldn't be buggered to care. Lupin was shaking and grasping at James' cock and for some stupid reason Sirius's face kept flashing in James' mind looking all reproachful and disappointed, sort of like his mum when she had caught him and Padfoot wanking that one drunken evening. Only this was much more bizarre- but then, Lupin's wrist twisted and there was just nothing for it.

James bit down on his own tongue to keep quiet, but when Moony's teeth started nipping at his earlobe, James let out a noise that vaguely resembled "Remus". He hadn't the time to wonder just where in Merlin's name that had come from because he was busy being hell-bent on making Lupin pay for it.

Not one to be outdone, even in strange snogging sessions with probably soon-to-be-former best mates, James tightened his fingers around Lupin's cock. It was all silky and hot and really fucking hard, and for some reason the bead of moisture that leaked across the back of James' knuckles made his own cock throb. He wondered what it would taste like and then wondered why he was wondering that.

-----

The fingers around Remus's cock tightened and suddenly there were soft, wet lips on his face- all over his face- and he worried he might fucking die or sob because it was too brilliant to be happening to him. A moan escaped his lips and he thought he might die from how fucking good it felt- and it was James and it was wrong, but so insanely perfect he couldn't imagine ever wanting to stop.

Even in the dark, he could feel James' silly, schoolboy grin flash across his face, and Remus barely had time to wonder what he was concocting before James was at his waist, tugging his trousers down and stretching his mouth around his cock.

"Jesusfuckingchristholybuggeringhell" Remus shrieked.

The liquid heat around his prick made Remus dizzy and a bit tingly. He let out a rough growl and James laughed, the vibrations shooting up Remus's spine. For a moment he tried to remember just how the hell he had got there, but every modicum of sense he once possessed was currently being swallowed by a fairly disheveled looking quidditch player who, for some mysterious reason, seemed to know exactly what he was doing.

The tongue on Remus's cock darted over and against the slit and there was a very good chance that he might pass out or fall over or come. No, definitely come. The way James' fingers dug into his thighs and the damp fingertips trailing over his balls were positively intoxicating. He grabbed at James' hair, completely unable to recall his native language.

"Ah! Arghhh- Pronnnggggssss…"

With one slow, enthusiastic suck, James let go and rose to bite down on Remus's bottom lip- hard. A sweaty hand replaced the mouth around his cock and Remus's hips snapped frantically into James' fist, while the latter chuckled breathily. Their tongues battled for dominance in a slippery, slobbery mess but it felt so good it hurt- or maybe that was just James' teeth and they really were quite sharp, and Remus thought he could taste blood. Within a minute, Remus was trembling and whimpering against James' stupid, wet mouth, and shoot burst after burst of thick come all over both their trousers and shirttails.

Remus's treacherous knees finally gave out on him and he slumped against the wall, held up only by James' arm around his waist. A silly groan escaped Remus's lungs and James lost it entirely. Unsure what else to do, Remus laughed as well, slightly hysterical with exhaustion.

"Prongs-" he managed to gasp between fits of giggles.

"Moony, my love, whatever is the matter?" said James jokingly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that his own erection still loomed rather large.

"Sodding prat. Gettoffa me," Remus barked, a little annoyed, but mostly confused as all fuck.

"As you wish, sweetheart. Surprised you're not one for pillow-talk, you great fag."

"Me a- You're the one-"

"Yes, yes, tossed you off. Yeah well, I was merely aiding a damsel in distress, as was my gentlemanly duty. Now, right yourself Moons, and we'll still make curfew… err, sort of."

Remus could do nothing but stare blankly at the cocky, confident boy lounging against the wall before him, covered in spunk, with a tent in his trousers. Joke or not, in his book there was a pretty spectacular elephant in the room.

"James, I think…"

"Too much. You think too fucking much," said James, suddenly serious and a little exasperated.

"Prongs, I just- I know with you and Sirius it's… All fun and… But I just, is this?… Fuck… Right, let's go."

"Lupin… Err- Come on."

And with a clumsy cleaning spell or three, they made themselves presentable and exited the cupboard in silence.

-----

"Snorkack!" James bellowed at the portrait. It wasn't that he was angry per say, just a bit tense.

"Righto, in you go!" the rotund occupant replied cheerily.

A few odd first years were huddled around the fireplace, and James considered intimidating them off to bed, just to blow off steam, but instead barreled towards the dormitory and with Remus at his heels.

The majority of other fifth years were serving a mass detention with Pince over a rather gory fistfight that had broke out with a gang of Slytherins. Sirius, never much for libraries, managed to avoid such a fate (though he pouted at length over missing an opportunity to torment Snape), but was also absent- probably chasing some piece of skirt (and catching it as well, no doubt). The only occupants besides the pair were a couple of unconscious bodies a few beds down, snoring loudly in the dark, behind their respective draperies.

He wanted to say something reassuring, really he did, but he worried anything he might say to Lupin would come out all besotted and girlish, so he went silent. The two undressed, James sauntering over just long enough to give Moony a firm slap on the rump and let out a bark of laughter. Moony grunted indistinctly.

"What's wrong, Moony? S' not your time of the month yet, is it?"

"No, James, it is not. And if you wouldn't mind, I would like to sleep. I've a half dozen essays to write this weekend and it won't do to be groggy."

"Ah, my studious Moony…" James trailed off, feeling a little dejected.

After a half-hour's tossing and turning, James irritably wanked off, thinking furiously about past shags (all two of them) and tits and, for some stupid reason, Moony's hand in his shorts. He then fell promptly asleep.

-----

"Moony?"

"Huhrrrphm."

"Mooooooony…"

"Wha…"

"Oi, Moony!"

"What? Fuck, James, what time— why are you on my bed?"

"I was just… Hey, shut up a minute, would you? I had somethin' to tell you."

"Well, I should hope so, as you just woke me the hell up to do it."

"Err…"

"Go on then, this had better be good. Really Prongs, I cannot wait to hear what astoundingly crucial bit of knowledge you have for me. I'm sure it's very enlightening... Out with it already."

"I—It's not like this with Sirius, alright? It's nothing like this. This isn't- and you… fuck it. I'm going back to bed. Just- just shut your mouth 'round Padfoot and Wormtail, alright?"

"…"

"Sorry, wasn't that good after all."

"…"

"Goodni-"

"Prongs?… James?"

"…Yeah?"

"Good. S'good. I'm glad this is err… you, you know—"

"Oh, do shut up, nancy boy"

"After such an eloquent, heartfelt declaration? But Prongs, my darling-"

"Just fuck right off."

"'Course… Night then."

"Goodnight Moo-… Remus."