Back to Where We Started, a harry potter fanfic

Disclaimer:I don't own them.I own only the plot of this story. The song, too, is not mine. It's "Fall to Pieces" by Avril.

A/N: This is a birthday fic for my very best friend, Marilee(you know ho you really are). It was supposed to be uploaded last Tuesday but I'm too lazy and she read it already, anyway. This plot just came out and I swear my fingers have their own life. They just started typing away on one strange day. It's oneshot. I hope you like it!

A million thanks to my dear, dear friend and beta, Watanabe Emi, for correcting my various embarrasing mistakes. Thanks so much!!!

On with the story! Read and review!

Back To Where We Started

xianora

I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through

Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

I sit in front of the telly but I'm not watching the moving pictures in front of me. I don't really see them and I don't understand them at the moment because I'm listening to the frantic movement in the flat.

It's not music to my ears. It's more like an irritating buzz that I want to get rid of. I don't want to listen to it because I can almost see it before my eyes and it brings up things that make me feel terribly hollow, painful and helpless, inside.

I don't want that feeling. I don't want to be helpless. I want to do something. But what?

A voice in my head is shouting for me to stand up and talk to him, stop him. But I still find myself sitting there, shaking and silent as he moved about our home, retrieving all his belongings.

I didn't really know it would end up to this. I know the fights were getting vicious. But we always made up before. Sometimes by saying a simple sorry. Sometimes, when we were really stressed out by the fight, by having sex.

Once, about a few weeks ago, we began shouting at one another, destroying things and furniture…our magic even got out of control once. One of our fights even reminded me of the way we were when we were back at school. It was malicious and insulting and the intent to hurt was there.

We came to a point where we wanted to hurt each other.

Again.

I just can't believe it. After everything we've been through. After everything that happened to us. We came back to where we started.

We hate each other again.

But I still love him.

Is that even possible? To hate and love your spouse at the same time? To be angry and to care for him at the same time?

Is he feeling this too? This confusion…this…I don't know…I just don't know anymore…

I so desperately wanted to cry at that moment. But I didn't cry since I can remember. I didn't cry when my parents disowned me. I didn't cry when they died. I sure as hell won't cry now. But that doesn't stop me from breaking down, shaking terribly as I am right now.

I sit there as I continue to listen. It's so hard to breathe. When did that happen? And I feel wetness at the corners of my eyes.

No, I won't cry. I won't cry, dammit!

After so many years of tears not adorning my eyes even for one millisecond, here I am, sitting pathetically in front of the television as my husband prepares to leave…crying silently.

Why does he always do that? Do something or say something to me and make me do something I haven't done in years, never done or vowed to never do. Why can he do that?

Why not?! He's Harry-Fucking-Potter-Malfoy! Harry-Fucking-Potter before that. The Chosen One! The Boy-Who-Lived! The Saviour of the Wizarding World! And he can do bloody well everything and anything, both possible and impossible.

Blood pumps in my ears and I close my eyes as I take a shaky breath.

The sound of movement in the bedroom stops.

Is he thinking? Talking to himself? Is he reconsidering his decision to move out?

There it is. The distinct sound of a luggage bag being shut.

I close my eyes as I hear muffled footsteps behind me.

"Draco…"

I discreetly wipe away the traitorous tears from my face as I sit up straighter in the armchair. I swallow thickly before I speak.

"Yes?"

He didn't answer at once. Maybe he noticed my thick voice and concluded that I had been crying.

"I'm finished packing," says Harry, quietly… as if waiting for something or hesitating because of something.

"You are," I say to him, my voice flat and harsh, not turning to face Harry because I don't want to see his face. I don't want to see that determined look that means he's really going to leave.

"Yes, I am," Harry answered, his voice louder. And I heard that damned determination in his voice.

And I break a little more.

I didn't give a reply. What can answer can I give to that?— "Well, Harry, it's nice being your husband for the past seven years and I know you're leaving because we're both unhappy in this marriage already. You can go if you're already packed. I guess I'll see you around. Do you want to have some coffee sometime in the near future?"?

Oh yes, I can see that going so well.

And I'm not good in words. What can I say to him? What can I possibly say when the words I want him to hear are stuck inside my throat and don't want to get out?

"Draco…"

"Hmm…" I turn around to look at him, eyes bloodshot and tired. His expression is unreadable whereas mine screams exhaustion, depression and stress. Why is he prolonging this? I'm a pathetic little puddle already. Does he really want to see me break down and sob and beg him not to go?

When at this very moment, I really want to do that…But does he really expect me to do that? He must know I'm still Draco Malfoy and I don't go into hysterics like that even if every inch of me screams for me to.

"Give me a reason to stay." Harry's voice suddenly says.

You're the only one,
I'd be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms

I didn't expect that.

I look at him with my eyes wide and mouth slightly open. It's then that reality really began to sink in.

He's leaving. He's really leaving. And I'm not doing anything about it. What can I do anyway? He wants to go. But he's asking me for a reason to make him stay. And I can't really say anything.

Is being his husband of seven years enough reason to stop him from leaving? Is it enough to make him stay? Is telling him that I still love him enough to make him change his mind? Will I tell him all these? Will he listen? Will he believe me? Will he stay?

No words are exchanged between us for several long minutes. We continue to look at each other. Green and gray. His eyes are searching mine as I was searching his. Both of our eyes have that small tinge of hope in them. That somehow, both of us still wanted this to work. That somehow, we both still love each other.

But why would he ask me a reason to stay when he vehemently said to me, just this morning that he wanted to leave? Why would he ask for a reason to stay when I see that half of him wants to go?

I look down at the carpet and end our staring match as a voice barely above whisper left my lips. "Why would I?"

Then the stupid tears came again. I want to wipe them away to hide the fact that I am weak because of Harry but I also wanted them to stay and keep going because I wanted to him to see my pain for the first time. I wanted him to see that it's affecting me too…much worse than he first believed.

He gasps and almost chokes. Is he crying as I am now? I look up at him again to see that, yes, he is crying. We're both crying and we don't know what else to do.

We're both in pain and we know it. But he still wanted to leave and I still don't know if I should give him a reason to stay.

"Why wouldn't you?" Harry harshly whispers.

"Why would I give you a reason to stay when I can see that half of you want to go and leave? Harry…you wouldn't ask me for a reason to stay if you really wanted to. And who am I to ask you to stay, anyway?" I answer, trying and failing to keep my voice from breaking.

"You're my husband. My spouse of seven years." He answers as he gives me an incredulous look as if he can't believe that I'm letting him go. It's almost as if he thinks I want him to go.

Which I don't. I really don't. But I can't bloody say it to him! I just…can't…

I remain silent, angrily wiping away the pathetic tears from my face as I look away from those piercing green eyes I've come to know so much.

"Draco? Do you want me to stay?" he asks, pain lacing through his eyes as my gaze land on him once again.

Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means
Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything

"I…I…" The words won't come to me and I desperately look at Harry. His eyes question mine for a long time before the godforsaken wrong words come out of my mouth. "I don't know."

His right hand covers his mouth as he takes an unsteady breath.

He's going to leave now. And it's my entire fault. It's not because of some fight anymore. It's not because of some petty bickering anymore. It's because of what I said and did not say. Oh Draco Malfoy. Why can't you say it? Why can't you say the words you need to say? Why can't you say the words he needs to hear?

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in love with you

"I'm leaving." His voice abruptly stops my train of thoughts. My eyes are trained on him once more and I almost broke in tears again when I saw his face.

His expression was the same one he had when he was telling me of his decision this morning. There is the anger and there is the pain. But a new emotion swirled across those emerald orbs.

It was disbelief.

Just mere seconds and he already crossed the short distance from where he was standing to the door. He opens the door to our flat and pushes his luggage out. He's already stepping out of our home when I found my voice again.

"Harry…"

He stops all movement to listen to me but he didn't make a move to turn around and face me once again.

I want so much to shout "Don't go!" but for what? I practically told him to leave. And he hasn't any reason to stay.

And I hate myself for it.

"I'm sorry…and I want you to know…I-I want to tell you—that I—I'm still in love with you."

I'm in love with you
Cuz i'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you

Maybe it was just my imagination or maybe it was real but I saw him look at me again first with wide eyes then with a sad gaze and then he smiles that soft smile of his and shakes his head lightly in regret, as if to say to me that it's already too late.

He closes the door gently but in my ears I hear the slam too loudly. Then the eerie silence pressed into my being as new set of tears rolled down my cheeks.

I always thought he would be there. But I guess I should stop creating an illusion.

He's not mine anymore…

…I lost him.

A/N: So it ends. I know you hate me for it. I hate myself to. It's a product of depression...so sorry. But, I MIGHT make a sequel. I have a plot in mind. So don't worry so much. But you'l have to wait til Christmas vacation to get it. I have to be more serious in my studies now.

Don't forget to review!