1Author's Notes: I want to thank everyone who has been waiting patiently for an update of this fic. As I've mentioned before, a paying writing job took away all my attention recently. So did taxes, my search for a better-paying job and my new blog (bi-wrestling.). With most of those tasks finally completed, I'm now able to get this chapter (and this whole fanfic!) done! This is the last chapter. I crammed everything into it instead of giving you teasing update after teasing update with no finale in sight. I hope those of you who gave up on this fic will rediscover it and read it the whole way through now that it's finished. That's the thing I hate about chaptered fics: It takes forever for me to update them. From now on, I'm going to try not to post any chaptered stories until they're totally done.

We'll see how long that idea lasts. :P

Please read and review, and tell others to do the same. Thanks again to all my loyal readers, and I hope the wait was worth it!

/

"What are we supposed to tell him?"

Stan clutched at his stomach. "I don't know. I just wanna get out of here."

"Stan, you seriously need to get over your thing with hospitals," Kyle said.

Stan ignored the comment. He had bigger things on his mind. So did Kyle for that matter. As they walked together down the hallway toward Katie's hospital room, each boy wondered what exactly they were walking into. There were a lot of unanswered questions. How would Token react when they broke the news to him of the bet? Would Katie ever wake up from her coma? What if Kenny was in the room again? He still had a problem with Stan thanks to Bebe.

As Kyle pushed open the door to the room Stan took a deep, bracing breath. It was obvious right away that Katie was still unresponsive. It was also apparent that Token was still sad about that fact.

"Hey guys" Token said.

"Hey" Kyle and Stan replied in unison.

Token sighed. "She's still not up."

Stan and Kyle glanced at each other.

"Uh, you know Token, Katie wouldn't want you sitting around being sad."

"Yeah!" Kyle agreed. "The dance is tomorrow night dude. You should go anyway. I uh, I-I think Katie would want it that way."

"Totally" Stan said. "You know, my sister's pretty ugly. I bet you could get a date with her."

"What?! I don't want a date! What the hell's wrong with you guys?" Token said.

Kyle sighed. "Token, we have to tell you something."

"What?"

Stan nervously stuffed his hands into the pockets of his pants. "Token, we kind of made this bet with Cartman..."

Token's eyes narrowed. "What bet?"

Kyle held his hands out, palms facing outward. "We told him you could get a date to the dance before he could, but we're running out of time to make that happen. Y-you know, if you think about it, putting our faith in you like that's actually a compliment."

"What?! That's why you want me to go to the dance?"

Kyle and Stan looked to the floor shamefully.

"You mean this whole time, all you've cared about is winning some stupid bet with Cartman?"

"That's not true!" Stan insisted. "We never wanted Katie to get into an accident or anything. That part sucks. You'd just be really helping us out if you could show up at the dance with some other girl, that's all."

"Get out" Token said simply.

"Token, we just-" Kyle began.

"Out!" Token insisted.

Stan and Kyle headed for the door, but before they could leave Dr. Doctor entered the room with a team of assistants, pushing a stretcher that contained a patient.

"I'm sorry boys but we need this room," Doctor explained. "This poor man was stabbed right through the skull. Watch out for blood splatter."

"Ugh!" Stan groaned.

"We have to work quickly and stitch his head back up."

"Aw-AWW!" Stan groaned louder. He was once again clutching at his stomach.

"Ooh, I think I see a chunk of my brain hanging out," the injured man replied casually.

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He felt the bile rising inside his throat and scanned the room quickly for a waste basket. The only one was by Katie's bedside. Stan ran as fast as he could, but he couldn't make it in time.

He puked right on the unconscious girl's body.

"Gross, Stan!" Kyle exclaimed.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Token exclaimed much louder. This was literally insult to injury.

"Shit! I'm sorry!" Stan said.

Stan's vomit, coupled with the news of the boys' bet, was the last straw for Token. He grabbed the still-apologizing Stan by his coat and pushed him up against a nearby wall.

"Wait!" Kyle said quickly.

"Fuck off Kyle! I'm kicking Stan's ass and don't you try to stop me!" Token said definitively.

"No dude! Look!!"

Kyle pointed, drawing Token and Stan's attention back to the hospital bed.

Katie's eyes were opening.

The girl moaned as she adjusted to her surroundings. Her eyes opened slowly, weakly, like a newborn kitten. She couldn't even tell she'd been regurgitated on yet.

Token released Stan from his grip and rushed over to Katie, much to Stanley's relief. Stan and Kyle glanced at each other and smiled. Bet or none, they were happy Katie was now awake and apparently going to be okay.

"My god!" Dr. Doctor said. "The vomit must've revived her."

"Katie! You're awake!" Token said.

"Ugh. What happened?" Katie asked weakly.

"You were in a coma," Kyle said.

"A coma?"

"There was a car wreck and...Well, we'll explain later. Oh my god I'm so glad you're okay!" Token said. He hugged the girl, not minding the mess on her hospital gown.

"Thanks. Why do I smell like throw up?" the girl asked.

"Um, that was my bad," Stan explained.

"...EW!!"

Katie jumped out of her bed and ran out of the room. Presumably she was running for some place with a shower.

"After her!" Dr. Doctor ordered. "Her mind's still unstable. Nurses, clean her up and calm her down! I'll go alert the parents!"

Dr. Doctor and the medical crew-who were still pushing around the injured and quickly forgotten about man on the stretcher-exited the room. The remaining people in the room continued to smile. That is, until Token's eyes met Stan and Kyle's.

"Out" Token repeated for the third time.

Stan quickly bolted out the door. He didn't need to be told twice to leave a hospital.

"Hey, Token?" Kyle hesitantly asked as he headed for the door as well.

"What?" the black boy snapped.

"Well, you're still gonna ask Katie out to the dance, right?"

"Yes. But not to help you assholes win your stupid bet. Because I..."

He paused. Kyle blinked.

"...Because I love her."

"That's great dude. When are you gonna ask her?"

"I don't know. As soon as she gets back I guess. Now, leave!"

Kyle nodded and headed off without another word.

Token waited for Katie to return to the room.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Finally, Token decided he'd better go look for her. He hoped Katie didn't relapse. Coma victims sometimes did. Token walked down the length of a few hallways in search of his love-interest. He grew more concerned with each dead-end he reached. Luckily, Token finally found her. Katie was surrounded by a circle of orderlies and her loving parents, who had clearly picked the right day to return for a visit. Katie's brothers were unfortunately missing from the family reunion.

Token realized that he'd just have to ask Katie out later. He wouldn't have been able to break up the family's group hug if he tried.

/

As she woke up the next morning, Wendy checked another day off of her calendar with a sigh. It was now official: The dance was tonight. Wendy still hadn't gotten Cartman, and she was starting to suspect she never would. She glanced over at the cell phone laying on her bedroom dresser. After brief contemplation, she picked it up.

"Maybe I should call him," she thought to herself out loud. He couldn't possibly have a date yet, but her asking him out would be like admitting defeat. That was never easy for Wendy Testaburger to do. Besides, what if he said no? He seemingly hadn't even entertained the thought so far. At least not legitimately. While the jealousy theory was still possible, it was still just a theory. Wendy knew that if she was rejected she'd be known as the girl with the one-sided crush, on Eric Cartman, for probably the rest of her school life.

Fuck that.

In Wendy's opinion, if Cartman wanted her, he should be the one to call. He should be the one to make the offer. He should be smart enough to think of her when deciding who to date. He should be the desperate one begging her for a date, hoping that maybe he still had a last-minute shot.

Before Wendy could think any more about whether or not to dial Cartman's number, she was receiving a call of her own.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

It was Kyle. Wendy frowned slightly when she heard his voice. She wished it had been Cartman calling. Sort of like a last-minute pardon from the governor type of scenario.

"What's up?" she asked.

"A lot, actually. Katie woke up!"

"Really?! That's great!"

"Yeah! And now me and Stan can finally win our bet with Cartman!"

Wendy's eyes narrowed. "Katie's waking up is a little more important, but yeah, I guess you can."

"Oh, but there's something else too," Kyle remembered. "Do you have a car?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I need a ride to the dance. I don't have my license yet. Stan was gonna pick me up, but now that he's taking Bebe he said he doesn't think we'll all fit in the car."

"You mean I have to take pictures and make small talk with your parents?"

"And deal with Ike calling you my girlfriend, yeah."

"God dammit" Wendy muttered. She thought about ending the plan with Kyle then and there, but decided against it. If she couldn't have Cartman, she could still extract the revenge of a scorned woman on his fat ass. The fact was that she had a date and he didn't. She'd show him that he made a very bad decision by overlooking her for God knows what reason. She'd go with Kyle, force herself to have a great time, and rub it in Cartman's face the entire evening. She knew he'd still show up to the dance even without a date. After all, Cartman needed to be there to see if Token had a date or not. He wouldn't just take Kyle and Stan's words for it.

"Okay Kyle, I'll pick you up," Wendy decided.

"Great, thanks. Is eight o'clock okay?"

"Sure."

"'Kay."

"Anything else?"

"Yeah. I'll bring the condoms."

Wendy stared at her phone momentarily. "Condoms?!" she repeated in shock. Wendy hoped to God she didn't blurt that out so loudly that her parents would hear.

"Yeah dude. You know, for getting Cartman," Kyle explained.

"...What?!"

"Think about it. If we're playing a couple we might as well go all out with it. If we get condoms we can show them to Cartman and make him pissed off 'cause we're dating and getting laid and he's not. Obviously you and I aren't really gonna use the things."

Wendy blinked. "I guess. You're really starting to enjoy this plan aren't you?"

"Yes Wendy. Yes I am," Kyle admitted, completely unashamed of his desire for harsh vengeance against the boy that had tormented him for so long.

"See you tonight."

/

"God dammit Butters!"

It was the third time today the blonde had accidentally stepped on Cartman's feet. They were practicing slow-dancing, and in Cartman's opinion the rehearsal was going terribly.

"I'm sorry Eric," Butters said. "I-it's just that I've never danced in ladies' shoes before."

"How are you gonna be my girlfriend if you can't even dance with me right?! GOD!"

Butters frowned. "I'm tryin' my best. Honest."

"Well try harder!"

"Ah go easy on him," Kenny said. He had been watching the train wreck of a practice from the living room couch of the Cartman residence. Kenny was far more patient with Butters-or Victoria as he was known for the purposes of this scam-than Cartman was.

Butters smiled, appreciative for the support. "Thanks Kenny."

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Easy for you to say, Kenny. You're not the one getting your fucking toes broken."

Kenny stood up from the couch and approached the duo, observing their dancing from a closer angle.

"Figures. You're too fucking fat, Cartman."

Cartman scoffed. All these years and he still thought being called fat was an outrageous accusation. "What?"

"He's stepping on your feet because he can't see them. Watch."

Kenny lightly pushed Cartman aside, and then took his place slow-dancing with Butters. Sure enough, Kenny and Butters stepped in perfect time with each other on the first try.

"See?" Kenny said. "Wear a belt to tuck in that stomach and you should be fine."

Cartman rolled his eyes but said nothing in response. This most likely meant that Kenny was right but Cartman was too proud to admit it. However, Kenny's next suggestion was even more shocking and definitely gained the reply it deserved.

"Oh, and you should put your hand on Butters' ass."

"What?!" the other boys replied together.

Kenny nodded. "Your characters are supposed to be all into each other right? His one hand's right by there. You should grab his ass. Make it look like a real couple. Maybe grind your crotches together too."

Butters frowned. "Aww! D-do we really have to do that?"

"Hell no!" Cartman protested. He pushed the dirty blonde away from his dance partner before they could start any sort of disgusting homo grinding. "I don't care how much of a girl Butters looks like dude; That is way too faggy!"

Kenny sighed. As usual Cartman was being difficult about something that was his own idea in the first place. Kenny was starting to wonder if all the aggravation was even worth it just to gain a little indirect revenge against Stan. He looked over at Butters, making sure his female outfit was staying on okay during all the dancing. Butters' stuffed bra, which reminded Kenny of Bebe's naturally large chest, made him remember that the revenge was definitely called for. He knew that to get his revenge Cartman and 'Victoria's' love had to look as real as possible. It was the only way their classmates -might- buy into it. Kenny furrowed his eyebrows and grabbed Cartman's chubby hand, forcing it to take hold of Butters' ass cheek.

"Meeeehh!!" Cartman whined.

"Will you just do it already?!" Kenny said as he held Eric's hand on Butters' rump. "This shit already feels way too much like a threesome without you bitching."

"Wh-what's a threesome?" Butters asked innocently.

Neither boy had a chance to answer his question. Cartman yanked his hand away from Butters' backside as though it were a burning hot stove. He ran for the nearest bathroom, screaming. Kenny was distracted by the Cartman's unlocked front door being opened. Outside stood the rest of the McCormick family, including the awakened Katie. Due to the financial state of Kenny's family, cell phones weren't available to spread good news.

"Kenny!" his mom said. "We've been looking all over for you! Look! Your sister's out of her coma!"

"Woohoo!!" Kenny exclaimed. He ran over to the door and hugged Katie.

"We're all going to Pizza Shack to celebrate," Stuart informed him. "Come on."

"Okay. See you Butters."

Butters smiled. "Yeah, s-see you later Kenny. I'm awful happy for you."

"Thanks."

The McCormicks quickly left the scene together, shutting the door behind them. Alone in the living room, Butters began to mash his knuckles together. It appeared that dance rehearsal was over with based on the sounds suddenly coming from Cartman's bathroom. They involved running water and vomit, from what the blonde could deduce. Butters began to remove his costume, making sure not to damage or wrinkle it in any way before the dance. After changing back into his reguar clothes, he left the Cartman household as well and began his walk back home.

"When I get home, I should look up threesomes on the internet," Butters decided to himself. "M-maybe it's like the two-step or somethin'."

/

Stan sighed as he stood outside the door of the Stevens' home. He knew he'd better just get this night over with, but he hesitated to alert Bebe of his presence. Several thoughts were racing through Stan's head. How would Kyle get to the dance now? Would Katie be there with Token? Whether she was or wasn't, would -Kenny- be there ready to try and kick Stan's ass again? Stan decided to put the thoughts out of his mind for the time being. He finally knocked on the front door of the home. Bebe answered it. She was wearing a long blue dress with sequins, while Stan was in a traditional tuxedo.

"Hey Stan."

"Hi" Stan said flatly.

"You wanna come in?"

"No thanks. Let's just get this over with."

Bebe shrugged. "Okay."

Although Bebe loved the camera, taking pictures with a guy she'd likely never date again after tonight wasn't very thrilling of an idea. She stepped outside the house with Stan and got into his car. They drove toward the dance in brief, temporary silence before Bebe insisted on engaging her date in conversation.

"I heard Kenny's sister woke up."

"Yeah. We haven't had a chance to talk to her much. Her parents and the doctors keep hogging her. Token didn't even have a chance to ask her out yet."

"But the dance is tonight."

"I know." Stan frowned. It was likely that Cartman didn't have a date either though, so at least the bet would be a draw. Another long, awkward silence filled the car as they drove on.

"Look, why are we doing this?" Stan asked, deciding to break the silence. "You don't wanna be at the dance with me and you know it."

Bebe frowned. "That doesn't matter. I agreed to go with you first so I am."

"But what about Kenny? Can't you just dump me and go with him?"

"Yeah right. A hot piece of ass like him probably found another girl in a second. No way am I dumping you, going stag and looking like a whore. Besides, I promised you."

Stan sighed, driving onward. "Fine."

/

The Big Dance truly lived up to its name. The school's gymnasium was covered with multicolored balloons, streamers, a huge sound system, and even punch pre-spiked with the finest of liquors.

Cartman was the first to show up out of his group of friends. His timely entrance was helped by the fact that, unlike the other couples, Cartman was too much of a jerk to even consider picking up his "date" for the evening. He regretted this decision when he arrived to the dance and Butters was nowhere to be found. However, much to the fat boy's relief, neither was Token. Cartman paced nervously outside the gym, hoping his plan would work. He was eager to rub his victory in the faces of his friends. Stan, along with Bebe, showed up next.

"Hey fat ass."

"Hey Stan. Got my money?"

"No, because I don't see a girl with you."

Cartman smirked. "Actually, she's on her way as we speak. Her name's Victoria."

Stan's eyebrows rose in concern. "You mean, you actually found a date?"

Cartman smirked. "That's right. Would you like to pay me that money now Stan, or should we call the hospital first and inform Token and his darling vegetable?"

Stan thought fast. He didn't want to pay Cartman his share of the money. Not yet at least. There was still a thin shread of hope.

"Actually, Katie woke up last night."

"Wh-what?" Cartman said nervously.

"Yeah. Theoretically Token could still get here with Katie before your supposed date. Technically we'd still win the bet that way."

"Well when my date shows up first and proves her existence, you guys will owe me big."

"Whatever. Come on Bebe."

Stan and Bebe headed inside the gym. Cartman's phone began ringing.

"Hello?"

"Eric? It's me."

"Butters where the hell are you? Kenny's sister woke up. You have to get to this dance before Token does, do you understand?"

"Oh. W-well, that's gonna be a problem."

"Why?"

"That's what I'm callin' for. I'm sorry, but I can't come to the dance with you. I got grounded for lookin' up threesomes on the internet."

"What?! No way, you're going to this dance Butters!"

"Oh no I ain't," Butters insisted. "My parents told me to stay in my room. If I sneak out after gettin' grounded, I'm only gonna get grounded worse!"

"If you don't sneak out and come to the dance I'm going to do something to you much worse than grounding!"

Butters thought that threat over. He frowned in defeat.

"Okay I'll put my dress on."

/

Following his conversation with Cartman, Stan knew he needed to relay some vital information. Once in the gym he immediately headed for the men's locker room area. It was quiet enough there that he could be heard. Stan took out his cell phone and placed a call to Kyle's cell, which went straight to voice mail.

"Kyle! We need to get Token to this dance fast! Cartman says he has a date and she's on her way. Bye."

Stan exited the locker room, only to find Kenny exiting from the girl's locker room directly across from him.

"Shit."

"Where's your date?" Kenny asked with glaring eyes.

"Dude where's your sister? We need her to get to the dance."

"Don't change the subject."

Stan sighed. "Bebe's inside okay?"

"Inside the gym, or the locker room?"

Stan rolled his eyes. "Kenny we aren't going to do anything. I don't even like her."

"Well I do! I like her a lot, and you could care less you're here with her. That's bullshit! She's one of the hottest girls in school. Maybe everyone's right about you and Kyle."

Stan ignored the comment. "I tried to make her break it off with me. What else can I do?"

"What else can you do to fuck me over? How about puke on my sister?"

Stan frowned. "Oh, you uh, you heard about that?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Okay, fine Kenny. You wanna kick my ass? Go for it. But before you do, you should know something."

"What's that?"

"Bebe called you a 'hot piece of ass' in the car."

"...Really?"

"Yeah dude, she's miserable. She's only with me 'cause I asked her first and she's trying to keep her word and not look like a slut. That's all. She doesn't like me and she's not going to. She likes you too much and that's not gonna change either. She was even worried you'd be here with another girl."

"I'm not."

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Then what were you doing in the girls' locker room?"

"Looking for you. I figured you'd be in one of them with her."

"You really think Bebe's that big of a skank?"

Kenny grinned. "I know she is. Why do you think I like her so much?"

Stan blinked. "Um, okay. Kenny, I'm really sorry I asked out Bebe. I was just angry at the time. And I'm sorry I puked on Katie."

Kenny shrugged. "Least it woke her up."

"Yeah..."

Kenny frowned. "Shit, I'm sorry too dude. I know you wouldn't steal a girl from me on purpose."

"Yeah that's not cool. Look, I only brought Bebe here so she could have a nice time at the dance, but she'd have a much better time with you. Go get her."

"How? She's all set on being here with you."

Stan thought it over, then smirked. "I've got it. Just follow me and play along."

The boys headed back into the gym. Stan took a deep breath and approached Bebe. Kenny walked right behind him. As the two neared the blonde girl, Stan began to force out some tears from his eye sockets.

"Bebe I can't do this!" Stan announced loudly.

"Can't do what? what's wrong?" Bebe asked with immediate concern in her voice.

Stan sniffled. "This isn't fair to you."

"What're you talking about?"

"You know! Everyone knows! All those rumors about me. I can't keep living this lie!"

Kenny's eyes grew as large as dinner plates. Stan playing up the gay rumors about himself was the last thing Kenny expected his friend to do. In a place as ridiculing as a public school, that was extremely brave. Also, Kenny realized, Stan's years in drama club were really paying off.

"But I thought-"

Stan cut Bebe off. "I'm sorry! But, listen, you deserve to have a nice time at the dance with a real date. A straight date. I can't let you go stag. I know this is last-minute, but Kenny here is willing to be your date instead."

Bebe looked back and forth between the two boys, confused. Stan wiped the crocodile tears off his cheeks and gave the girl a wink, while Kenny smiled at her.

"...Oh...You mean...OH!" Bebe said. She smiled back at Kenny and attempted to play along. "Um, Stan how could you lie to me like this?!"

Bebe's slap to Stanley's face following her statement was completely unnecessary, but Stan was willing to take a hit for the sake of his friends.

As the two blondes linked arms and finally headed off to the dance floor together, Kenny gave Stan a thumbs up and mouthed a "Thank you."

The thumb not rubbing the mark on Stan's cheek responded in kind.

/

Katie's parents checked her out of the hospital right away in an attempt to resume her normal life. Ironically, every second of Katie's post-coma so-called life was now being consumed by monitoring doctors and overprotective relatives. Meanwhile Token hadn't managed to get a word in edgewise with his almost-girlfriend. It wasn't fair in the boy's opinion. Token had waited in that hospital for Katie to awaken from her coma longer than anyone-including her own parents. Finally though, Token managed to find an in and get the alone time he deserved.

Homework

"Thanks for helping me catch up on school stuff," Katie said.

"No problem."

Since complex thinking was difficult for people recovering from comas, Token offered to help Katie do the assignments she'd missed. Her parents went for it despite the fact that it meant having a boy up in Katie's bedroom. They didn't want their little girl over exerting her tender brain. Some of the subjects baffled Token, but it didn't matter. At long last he had a moment of peace with Katie-while seated on her bed no less-and he was going to make the most of it.

"I'm glad you're okay."

Katie smiled weakly. "Everyone is. If I get one more card congratulating me on getting out of that coma I'm gonna be sick."

Token raised an eyebrow. "They have cards for everything now."

Katie nodded. "Token, I heard about what you did."

"Huh?"

"When I was out. How you paid the hospital bill and sat with me as much as possible. I'm glad we finally got some time alone, because I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate it."

Token shrugged. "Oh that stuff. It was no big deal."

"Yes it was. You must really care about me to do stuff like that. I'm just sorry I couldn't go to the concert with you."

"It's okay, there'll be other chances."

Katie grinned. "There will huh?"

Token kicked himself mentally. "Um, well I mean, there will be if you wanted to go out sometime."

"Sometime...Like tonight?" Katie asked.

Token's mouth formed a perfect 'O' of surprise. "I don't know. Are you sure you should be going out in your condition?"

"If my parents are just going to keep me locked up in my room I might as well have stayed in the coma. Let's go!"

The girl put down her pencil and got off her bed. She began to search through her messy bedroom for a pair of shoes to wear. She knew they were buried under one of numerous piles. Token observed Katie closely as she flung dirty clothes across the room. This decision to go out begged a question in his mind. He fought through his nerves and decided to ask it.

"Katie?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, if we're going out tonight, does that mean we're...You know...?"

"A pair!"

"Yeah! We are?!" Token asked excitedly.

"No I mean I found a pair of matching shoes!"

"Oh."

Katie placed the shoes on her feet and turned around to face Token with a smile on her face. She then tackled the embarrassed male to her bed and kissed him passionately on the lips.

"And yes, we are a couple too."

Token smiled up at her. "That's great! So, where does my new girlfriend want to go?"

"How about the Big Dance?"

/

Kyle cast a frustrated glare into the bathroom mirror while fixing his hair. Most men hated dressing up to go out, but Kyle was willing to bet that he despised it far worse than other guys. It was bad enough putting on some fancy rented tuxedo, but slicking back his red afro was always such a pain. It just wasted time and hair gel. He hoped his green duck cap would stay on the whole night, but he had to make his hair look presentable just in case it fell off or something. Besides, he was going to go the whole nine yards for the sake of the plan.

Thanks to the mirror, Kyle saw his father passing by him in the background. "How do I look?" he asked.

Gerald cocked his head to the side, completely puzzled by his son's question. He stood in the bathroom doorway a moment, just staring at Kyle as he tried to find the right words.

"...Um, good Kyle," Gerald said. "Did you finally find a date?"

"Sort of. I'm going with Wendy Testaburger to make Eric Cartman jealous. I hope he cries," Kyle said matter-of-factly. "After that, I'll probably just hang out with Stan."

Despite his son's female companion for the evening, Gerald could tell something was up. Hell, the whole town could tell something was up! It seemed the only ones who didn't know something was up were Stan and Kyle themselves. They were either in denial or just really good at hiding it. Or, maybe they really hadn't given into fate just yet. Either way, Gerald decided to get the wheels in motion with his next statement.

"You know Kyle, it's okay if you and Stan are..."

"...If we're what?" he asked, totally oblivious.

"Well, it's okay if...He's your date."

Kyle's jaw dropped. He turned around to face his father. "What!?"

Gerald closed his eyes, the awkwardness setting in. "I'm just saying, you know, it's okay if you two want to be...together."

"What are you talking about dad?! We aren't like that!"

"I'm just saying I'd love you no matter what Kyle. So would your mother. You don't have to pretend to go out with a girl."

Kyle face-palmed. "Jesus Christ not you too! Does the whole world think I'm gay for Stan?"

"Pretty much."

"That was a rhetorical question!"

In the distance, a car horn honked.

"I have to go, Wendy's here," Kyle said.

"Wait!" Gerald said. The older man dug into his pants pocket, producing a small card. "Here son."

Kyle accepted the object, but stared at it confused. "What's this?"

"It's a key. I got you a hotel room for the night. Room three hundred over on Swanson street. Don't tell your mother. Kyle, I know the kinds of things kids do after these dances. Whatever you're going to do tonight and whoever you're going to do it with, I want you to be safe. But more importantly, I want you to be out of the house so I won't ever have to accidentally walk in and see it. Okay?"

With that, Gerald stepped aside to let Kyle out of the bathroom.

"UGH! Will you shut up dad! It's not like that!"

The younger Jew stomped past his father, but instinctively tucked the card key into his pocket alongside a pack of condoms.

"Just remember Kyle: I love you no matter what!" Gerald called after him.

"Fuck off!"

Kyle continued angrily stomping away until he reached the living room. His move for the door was intercepted by his mother, who shoved a camera into his face. Wendy was seated over on the couch, frowning.

"Smile!" Sheila said.

"Goddammit" Kyle said before forcing his mouth to curl upward.

"Sorry Kyle. I shouldn't have honked and drawn attention to myself. Next time I'll just call your cell and you can sneak out the back door," Wendy said apologetically.

Kyle shook his head. "No way dude. There isn't gonna be a next time for something like this."

Wendy knew that was true. Which meant they had to get it right this time.

Wendy and Kyle were finally allowed to leave the house after a few minutes of snapping photos. They entered Wendy's car as fast as they could and drove away as fast as the speed limit would allow them to. As Wendy drove, Kyle took out his cell phone. He wanted to play a game, but found himself immediately distracted by the notification of a voicemail message. He placed the phone to his ear and listened.

"Shit!"

"What is it?" Wendy asked.

"Cartman has a date to the dance! We're totally screwed now!"

"...He has a date?"

"Um, yeah."

Wendy's fancy shoe pushed down hard on the car's gas pedal. She was now speeding toward the school with a murderous look in her eyes, Kyle silently prayed that they'd somehow survive the angry female's aggressive driving.

/

Cartman checked his watch for the third time that night. He had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of Butters for what felt like too long. Naturally he'd positioned himself by the snack table and helped himself to a few handfuls of food while waiting. He blamed his overeating on nervousness, of course.

Finally the cross-dressed blonde walked cautiously into the gym. He was still getting used to the high-heeled shoes. "Oh Jesus see me through this," Butters muttered as Cartman ran up to him.

"There you are! It's about damn time!" Cartman said. "All right, now we just have to win my bet. Come on!"

He gripped Butters by the hand and dragged him along to find wherever Stan had run off to. His hold was even firmer than the day of the Pioneer Village incident. The "couple" finally found Stan, who was playing the part of a wallflower until his other friends arrived.

"Well, well, well," Cartman bragged. "Look who showed up. Stan, this is my date, Victoria."

Stan's eyebrows rose in disbelief.

"Uh, h-hello there, n-nice to meet you," Butters said in the best high-pitched voice he could manage.

"Crap" Stan replied.

Cartman stuck out his hand expectantly. "The money Stan."

"Why the hell would you agree to go out with Cartman?" Stan asked the "girl" on Eric's arm. "Don't you know what kind of person he is?"

Butters cleared his throat, and once again raised his voice to an appropriate girl level. "Oh, uh, well...Uh...Ow!"

Butters was nudged in the side by Cartman.

"W-well, I think Eric's swell, that's why. He's a perfect gentlemen with a big brain, a-and an even bigger weiner."

"Don't mind him Victoria. He's just jealous of our love," Cartman accused.

Stan sighed and reached into his pocket. "All right Cartman, I guess you win."

The fat boy grinned. "Yes! Yeees!"

"Wait!!"

Kenny hurriedly pushed his way through the sea of evening gowns and tuxes until he reached his friends against the wall. Cartman glared at the intruder, who was still trying to catch his breath when he finally arrived in the nick of time.

"What're you doing, Kenny?"

"Dude! I almost forgot. Now that we're cool again I can't let him get away with it. Stan, don't give Cartman any money."

Eric made a lunge for Stan's wallet at that point, but the dark-haired youth managed to tuck it back into his pocket. "Why not?"

"He's full of shit, that's why."

"Kinny! You're supposed to be on my side!" Cartman whined.

"What're you talking about?" Stan wondered.

Before Kenny could explain the plan they'd hatched, the gymnasium doors were barged open by Wendy. She marched right over to where Cartman was standing. Kyle followed behind her at a normal walking pace. For once, he was the calm one in a situation involving Cartman.

"Hey ho" Cartman greeted.

Kenny smiled. "You guys are just in time. I was just saying how Cartman's date is a-"

"Slut?" Wendy guessed, finishing Kenny's thought for him. "She certainly looks like it in that outfit."

Butters pouted. "Hey, that's not very nice."

"Neither is Cartman, but that doesn't stop you from dating him."

Butters' eyebrows knotted up into an angry V shape in response to that statement. It was certainly true that in real-life Cartman was just as mean as Wendy said he was, but Butters remembered that his character was supposed to madly love Eric. Butters reasoned that Victoria would take offense to that remark, so (s)he did.

"Hey! You take that back! Eric's a wonderful man, w-with a giant weiner!"

Wendy's jaw dropped in shock. "A what?!"

Kenny blinked. "Um, guys? Cartman's date's not a girl."

"You're right: She's a whore!" Wendy said loudly.

"You're just jealous like my stupid older sister!" the still in-character "girl" shot back just as audibly.

Wendy had no comeback, because she really -was- jealous. Unable to destroy Cartman's date verbally, she did the alternative and slapped "Victoria" across the face.

"Victoria" proceeded to cry.

To finally end the confusion, Kenny snatched the wig off of Butters' head. "No, it's Butters! See?"

"Kenny!" Cartman protested again.

Laughter immediately rose up inside the gym. Unfortunately for Cartman and his fraud of a date, several students had focused their attention on the catfight. The wig coming off was instant amusement for the gaggle of cruel teenagers.

"What a loser!" Craig shouted.

"HA! HAHAHA!" was all Kyle managed to get out.

Cartman's eyes darted from side to side. He was trapped. Surrounded by mocking laughter and pointing fingers. He felt embarrassed. Ashamed. This wasn't some get rich quick scheme, or some plan to pull a prank on Kyle. This was a personal mission. One where his pride, his very self-worth, was on the line. Judging from the various heckles of his peers, Cartman had failed. Desperate to find shelter from the ridicule, Cartman ran out of the nearest exit he could find.

Wendy should've been happy, but she wasn't. Cartman got what was coming to him, but it didn't seem to matter. The victory wasn't sweet like Wendy had expected it to be. The revenge wasn't satisfying. At all. All she saw when she looked into Cartman's beaten eyes was pain and hurt.

"I'm sorry" Wendy said softly. She was directing the remark at Butters, but her eyes were looking past him at the dissappearing Cartman. She wondered if, perhaps, this was her fault. She could've asked him out instead of waiting for him to make a move. She could've let his attempt to get Henrietta play out naturally. She could've accepted Cartman's insincere offer that day in the cafeteria instead of being stubborn. She could've saved him the humiliation of being caught with Butters. She could've made Cartman believe that maybe, just maybe, someone else thought enough of him to be seen with him in public. But she didn't. She didn't do any of those things, and now it was too late. The damage had been done. Cartman believed in himself. He honestly believed he could find a date. He didn't, and there was perhaps nothing worse then your self-esteem being destroyed when you actually had some to begin with. Wendy knew that first-hand. She believed Cartman would ask her out from the start. That he would be jealous. He didn't and he seemingly wasn't. She knew how that pain felt, and Wendy didn't want to wish that on anyone. Now, Cartman was feeling it too.

The still teary-eyed Butters pulled some tissues out of his stuffed bra, using them to wipe the liquid sadness off his face. "That's okay Wendy. At least now I can take this stuff off."

"I'll go with you. Katie's gonna want her clothes back," Kenny said.

The two walked off together, leaving Wendy with Stan and Kyle.

"Dude, that was awesome!" Kyle said.

"No it wasn't!" Wendy said, her voice a combination of shame and anger.

"What're you talking about! Did you see the look on Cartman's face? He's totally humiliated!"

"That's not a good thing, Kyle!" Wendy snapped. "Cartman's a human being."

Kyle scoffed. "No he's not. Now listen, we can't rest on this. We need to attack him while he's still vulnerable. I think with a little more work we can make him cry. My dad got me a hotel room tonight. Let's go show Cartman the room key and the condoms. We'll tell him we're going there. You can fake an orgasm can't you? I could get an audio recorder and-"

Wendy's hand struck the side of Kyle's face, stopping his plan mid-sentence.

"Stop it Kyle! Just stop it! You may not like Cartman, and I may not like what he did to me, but this is wrong! Stooping to his level doesn't help! It just makes things worse and hurts even more people you...You..."

Wendy struggled to find the right word to express her disdain for Kyle's behavior. She finally settled on angrily exclaiming "You Jew!"

Kyle softened a bit, but continued to encourage the behavior. "Oh...Oh come on Wendy. This whole thing was your idea!"

Wendy groaned in regret. "I know. Excuse me."

Wendy left the boys alone, leaving out the same exit Cartman had taken.

"Girls are insane" Kyle decided.

"Yep" Stan agreed. "But she's right you know. Revenge never solves anything." Stan had learned that the hard way recently.

Kyle sighed. "Yeah, I know." He hated having a conscience sometimes. "I'll apologize later, even though I know Cartman won't accept it. You know what the worst thing is though?"

"What?"

"I bought these condoms for nothing now."

Stan pondered his best friend's predicament. "You wanna go fill them up with water and throw them at people?"

Kyle smiled. The night was saved after all. "Sure! This dance is lame anyway. Let's get outta here. We can use the hotel room and throw the balloons off the balcony."

"Yeah! Just let me grab some food real quick," Stan asked.

"Sure."

/

As Wendy approached him outside the school, Cartman was seated on the curb with his head in his hands.

"Cartman?"

"What do you want?" Eric spat bitterly. "Come to laugh at me some more?"

"Actually, I came to apologize."

"Apologize?"

"Yeah. You didn't deserve what happened to you in there. You were just doing everything you could to win your bet. I admire your determination."

"Yeah? Well admiration doesn't get me my money now does it, ho."

Wendy's face contorted into a mixture of sadness and anger. Even now she was being nice to Cartman, and as usual he was ruining it by being himself.

"Cartman you asshole! Do you know what could've gotten you a date to this stupid dance? Asking me!" Wendy blurted out.

Cartman took his head out of his hands and looked up at Wendy. "What?"

"Why didn't you? Huh? I want to know. I deserve to know why. I was right there every day. You asked out every other girl. Why not me too? Am I not good enough for you or something? You'd be lucky to have any woman interested in you. Why couldn't you just-"

"If you'd stop bitching for like five seconds, I could tell you why," Cartman finally said, cutting off the girl's rant.

"Fine!" Wendy snapped again. She wanted to hear this, though admittedly it felt good to finally let those feelings out.

"I didn't ask you because I couldn't."

"Well why not?!"

"Because you know me."

"What do you mean? The other girls knew you."

"Yeah, but you aren't like the other girls I asked out."

Wendy rolled her eyes. "Gee thanks."

"No, I mean they've all got some flaw I could exploit."

This surprised Wendy. Her bad attitude was immediately dropped. "...What?"

"Like Bebe. I asked her out 'cause she's a slut, right? I thought that'd be good enough to get her to say yes to me. I asked out Red because she's ugly. I figured if a guy asked her out she'd jump at the chance no matter who it was. I asked out Henrietta because I knew I could bullshit her about how alone we both are and stuff. Goths eat that crap up with a spoon. With Katie...Well, she's just poor. I thought I could bribe her into it. You know how poor people have no ethics or morals. With Porsche, I figured I could trick her into it. She's pretty stupid. You aren't those things though, so I figured what would you want with me? You know better then to buy into my crap. I knew I didn't stand a chance, so I didn't bother."

Wendy's mouth hung open. Her eyes were as wide as the mountains near their town. Her jaw was completely slack. She was shocked and flattered and confused all at once. After stammering a few times, she came up with the words she'd been searching for.

"So, you're saying I'm the opposite of slutty, stupid, immoral and ugly?"

"Right."

"...So...In your eyes, I'm pure, intelligent, moral and pretty?"

Cartman hesitated and stammered himself. "You...You could say that."

"I did say that. Are you saying that?"

"...Yeah."

Wendy sighed. "In that case, I take back what I said about you. You know, if it's any consolation, you almost had that date with Henrietta."

"How do you know?"

"Because I...I sort of messed it up for you. I burned her and told her to keep away from you."

Cartman frowned. "That's pretty lame of you. It could've saved me a lot of humiliation in there."

"I know. I'm sorry. I only did it because...Well, I like you too."

"...Really?"

"Yes."

"That's...kind of a relief. I was blaming her saying no on Stan and Kyle. If one of them liked me..." Cartman shuddered at the mere thought.

Wendy laughed. "They only like each other."

"H'yeah I know right?" Cartman agreed, laughing himself. "Wait, what about Kahl though? Is he really your date?"

"No. We were only pretending. I was hoping it'd really bother you and make you jealous."

Cartman grinned. "That's pretty vicious. You're a woman after my own heart."

"Thanks, I think."

"It worked you know."

'What did?"

"Making me jealous and stuff. That day in the cafeteria when you kissed him...That killed me."

Wendy nodded. "I'm sorry. I had to throw you off the trail. I had to know if you honestly liked me or not, and honesty is a pretty hard thing to get out of you."

Cartman shrugged. "It's kewl, I'd have done the same thing. Only better than you did it."

Eric finally got off the curb, returning to his feet.

"Well, I guess I'd better go home. No way am I going back in there by myself."

Wendy approached Cartman. She placed her hands on his shoulders, turning him around. "You won't have to."

"Huh?"

/

The timing couldn't have been more perfect. Stan and Kyle exited the school at the exact same moment a limo pulled up to the curb. Four pairs of shocked eyes looked on as Wendy forced her lips against Cartman's, just as the limo ceased its movement. Cartman didn't need to be told twice to kiss Wendy right back.

"...Dude" was all Stan managed to say.

Katie and Token stepped out of the limo and closed the door, allowing the driver to pull off.

"Um, I'm here with my date if you guys care," Token announced to the group.

Cartman broke apart from Wendy. "That's nice Token, but as you can see you're too late. My date and I were just heading back inside to dance."

"Oh no you don't!" Kyle said. "Cartman, you already forfeited your chance when you pulled that bullcrap with Butters. Nobody owes anybody, fatso!"

"Now hold on a second," Wendy said. "What were the rules of this stupid bet?"

"Cartman had to have a date to the dance before Token. He couldn't pretend to be gay, or bring his mom or a hooker," Stan said.

"Which are basically the same thing," Kyle pointed out.

"Fuck you Kahl!" Cartman shouted.

"Well then Cartman still won!" Wendy decided.

"How?" Token asked.

"Nothing in those rules said he couldn't bring a guy dressed up as a girl. He wasn't pretending to be gay then, because Butters was pretending to be female. And after all the pain he's been through tonight, I think Cartman deserves to win, don't you?"

Stan and Kyle looked at each other, then at the ground, then at Wendy and Cartman. Wendy was glaring, her arms crossed over her chest. Cartman was simply smiling and nodding his head. The boys grumbled and dug into their pockets, producing their wallets. A few seconds later, Cartman was one hundred dollars richer.

"YES!" the fat boy shouted. He celebrated by kissing Wendy yet again, and then dragging her back inside to regain his previously wounded pride.

"Stop pulling me, jerk!"

"Quiet ho! This is a good song."

The new couple continued to argue as they re-entered the school. The others heard them, but decided not to question the strange relationship.

"I'll be inside," Katie said. She pecked Token's lips and headed in.

"Sorry you guys lost your bet," Token said.

"That's okay. The important thing is Katie's awake," Stan said.

"Yeah. Everybody's with who they're destined to be with tonight. That's what matters," Kyle said.

Token nodded. "I guess we're cool and whatever. Just don't let stupid bets turn you into dicks again."

"We won't" Kyle and Stan said together.

Token headed inside to dance with his girlfriend, while Stan and Kyle hopped into Stan's car and drove off for the hotel.

"You know why people are gonna say we left, right?" Kyle asked.

Stan nodded. "Yeah, but I don't care. Like you said, it's destiny's fault."

/

The hotel on Swanson street did a lot of good business that night. Kenny and Bebe, Wendy and Cartman and Token and Katie took up three different rooms on three different floors. Wendy learned that night that it was true what they said about obese people, while also showing Cartman just how much of a 'ho' she could truly be. Kenny and Bebe taught each other some things that were illegal in thirty states. Katie and Token simply made love, then used Token's money to reserve the room for another night of privacy. Stan and Kyle chucked the water-balloon condoms at unsuspecting victims, but ended up needing a few for themselves. Apparently it was true what everyone said about them after all.

By the next morning, all eight people knew who they'd be taking to the next Big Dance.

THE END