Ch. 32

Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon or its movie. I am so happy I don't own the movie.

This chapter is making fun of the movie. Let's get cracking.

The script sucked to the high heavens.

Said script was so bad I laughed when Brom was dying.

Said script was ripped off from way too many movies to even name.

Nothing made sense. The following is a list of things that did not make sense.

Murtagh wanted to go to the Varden. Since when did Murtagh wanna go to the Varden?

Arya didn't have pointy ears. Jesus Christ, they're cheap.

Despite the fact that Arya's "raven black locks" are described every other page of any part of Eragon or Eldest she's in, they made her blonde.

The torture scenes weren't tortured scenes. In Lord of the Rings, if they tortured you, you were tortured.

The battle at the end sucked to the high heavens. It was just Saphira breathing fire.

Brom died at Gil'ead.

Murtagh hadn't joined them by Gil'ead.

Murtagh had only ten minutes in the movie.

Angela wasn't awesome.

There was no Solembum.

Eragon looked five. (Except at that one part where he was wearing leather pants and no shirt. Then, I drooled slightly.)

Eragon was blonde. He's not blonde.

Roran was blonde. See above.

Saphira grew up in the span of two seconds.

When this happened, it wasn't even one of those things they do when they skip a couple months or years.

Eragon didn't get the name from Brom.

Saphira just introduced herself as Saphira.

It was more of a rip-off than the book, and that's saying something.

I am so happy I didn't go to see it alone because I would have had to make snide comments to the stranger sitting next to me.

If Galbatorix is what he's like in the movie, I don't believe I did him justice in chapter one. He is so much more generic than that.

It was overly dramatized.

It could possibly be the best bad movie ever (i.e. the worst movie ever).

They weren't even trying to make it bad like they were with Plan 9 from Outer Space.

I don't even know if they can do Eldest because of all the things they did to Eragon.

This will probably mean that they will cut out all the parts with Roran, i.e. half the movie.

I bet they made CP cry because they mutilated his book so much.

It was only an hour and forty minutes. How can you do a book that long in an hour and forty minutes?

This might actually be a good thing if they messed it up that badly, I might have gotten thrown out of the theater for yelling at the screen. I was so close to doing that at the end of the movie. Given another hour, I might have snapped. Either that or I would have laughed at the serious parts. Oh. Wait. I already did that.

Murtagh didn't rip off his shirt properly.

His scar was in the wrong place.

They gave Eragon more credit than he got in the book. Here is a list of all the times they gave him more credit than he deserved.

Eragon killed the Ra'zac.

Eragon shot Durza, not Murtagh.

Eragon didn't get captured and taken to Gil'ead.

Eragon didn't get hurt in the battle at the end; Saphira did.

All he did was healing her and almost die.

Here is a skit where I rip into the directors and screenwriters.

CP: What did you do to my book?
Director: I have no idea what you mean.

CP: This wasn't how it happened.

Angela Paolini: You took out my idea. You took out Solembum.

Me: I know. How could you do that?

CP: Not you.

Me: I'm on your side this time.

CP: With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Screenwriters: Ooh, we should've ripped that line off in the movie.

Me: You ripped-off enough stuff. Trust me. I mean, the line, "This is for Brom," is so like what Obi-wan says when he kills Darth Maul.

Screenwriters: That was incident.

Me: My brother came up with fifteen others.

Screenwriters: What?
Matthew: Here is my list. –reads extensive list-

Screenwriters: Well, you have to admit they were good lines.
Me: From the movies they came from, maybe.

Screenwriters: But it was good besides the rip-offs, right?

Me: I laughed during Brom's death scene because of the lines. You tell me.

CP: That's mutilation for you.

Screenwriters: It was supposed to be sad.

Me/CP: We know.

Abby: If it makes you feel any better, the dragons were cool.
Me: And baby Saphira was cute.

Kate: Eragon was hot.

Me: Murtagh was hotter.

Kate: No, Eragon was.

Me: No, Murtagh was.

Abby: You screenwriters made the death scene borderline slash! I don't wanna slash Eragon/Brom.

Director: But you liked some stuff?
Me: Yeah.

Screenwriters: Oh good.

Me: None of it was credited to you.

Screenwriters: Pout.

CP: You know, I actually hate you less now.

Me: That's the way. Get rid of your hatred.

CP: Are you going to write anymore for Empire?
Me: Hell yeah.

Amy: You mean Heck yes.

Me: Heck yes.

CP: I suddenly hate you again.

Me: I thought you might.

That's the end of chapter 32. I'm going back on hiatus until Empire. My first three characters to mock will be

Thorn

Shruikan

The green dragon

(That was a ballot.)

Then I will do any other new characters. Then I will go back through my list of chapters, and I will add half the number of reasons for lameness that I already gave them. I will not re-mock characters that do not appear in Empire though. Anyway, here are the review responses.

Murtaghlvr: Gansta Murtagh is the product of sugar high.

Smokey-eyed Beauty: I actually have a fear Paolini will make his Mary Sue (coughAryacough) be the next rider. I want it to be Roran or Nasuada.

Tigerstripe: Thanks. I'm glad you thought that was my funniest chapter ever. Abby has read Eragon and Eldest by this time though.

Emery Flutterby: I'm glad I gave you a way to avoid homework. LOL. 'Tis an honor.

Mystery Person (Anonymous): Haha. The fic isn't over. I have one question: if you hate the fic, why did you read all the chapters and review twice? I'm actually somewhat smart. I got the message that you didn't like me the first time.

Lazy Person: Here's a continuation, and there will be more of one later. Gansta Murtagh was sugar high.

Callernumber16onz100: Here's the movie chapter. I hope you enjoyed.

Bananasrokk: The Song That Goes Like This was quite possibly my favorite song in the whole musical. Of course, I also loved He Is Not Yet Dead.

Smelybel: You find what I did petty, but you don't find anything at all reprehensible about the fact that you keep reading and criticizing the same story over and over again and you think it's okay to call someone you've never met a "fukin slut"? Interesting. Well, good luck with that.

Meh: It was only a temporary finale, but I'm glad you liked it.

Shurtugal7000: Oh, that was a Monty Python song. I only tweaked it a little.

Kitty and Amethyst: Nothing. I just had something against the fact that he thought it was better than public schooling.

DragonRider2000: You're right. I should've put that in there. Australia's cool though. Plus, I thought the guy who played Roran was hot. Oh well.

Sango-Rox: No, it's just on temporary hiatus. It'll be on hiatus until Empire comes out and I read it. Thanks for defending me against Summerset, who is now BobMcMinton.

Amantine: No, it's not.

BobMcMinton: Summerset, did you really expect me to not take offense to being called a whore, especially by somebody who's never met me? I did at first, but then I thought about it, and I think it's actually quite funny. I know I have loser in me; who doesn't? Hey, will you do me a favor and actually respond to something I say? Perhaps you could explain why you called me a whore. It interests me. Also, explain why you claim to hate this fic, but keep reading it anyway.

SOPROL: Thanks. Yes, I am continuing.

Ebz: No, it's not it. Well, it is until Empire comes out. I like the Rolling Stones too by the way. They're a little creepy looking, but they have good music.

Rock Not War: Thanks.

Silvershadowkittie: A Mary Sue is an overly perfect, unrealistic character who gets on the reader's nerves. Don't worry. I didn't know what a Mary Sue was for a while.

Coffee Grounds: No, no one can take over Tolkien. Orlando Bloom is sexy, and so is Viggo Mortinsen. I don't care if he's older than my parents. He's hot.

Dreamless Wind: I was a little upset when I didn't have anything else to do. Well, I had other fics. I can't wait until Empire comes out. I can update this, and I can find out the ending.

Cheesey Goodness: Monty Python is awesome. This fic isn't over yet either. It just won't be updated until Empire comes out.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: No, it's not over. Just wait until Empire comes out.

Tallacus: I guess that makes it easier to understand him. LOL. I hope he finishes is too. I want to know what happens to everyone.