I don't own Narnia or the Pevensies. But I finally wrote a humor fic about them!

Author's Note: Gift fic for amidnightkiss, the 300th reviewer of The Sea and the Siblings. Prompt: how would the Pevensies react to Susan's first suitor?

Suitor

It is often said, when a room is very, very quiet, that you could hear a pin drop.

Lucy was a bit swifter than most, and quickly pulled one from her hair. When it struck the stone floor of the Great Hall, the sound echoed loudly, and she grinned as she stood in the corner to watch. The hapless young man stood before the four thrones, nervously holding his hands in front of him as he suffered under the stare of every person in the room. A long moment of mind-boggling silence passed. Finally, the foreign prince dared to look up at the face of the High King, who looked as if he'd just been slapped by someone wearing barbed gauntlets.

"…your Majesty?" the prince asked anxiously, twisting his cap in his hands. Peter blinked, as if truly seeing him for the first time, a dazed expression of shock drifting across his face.

"…err…yes…" he stammered, "…I mean no, I mean…"

He looked over at his brother for help, but Edmund was looking rather sick, his mouth open slightly in a look of mild alarm. The younger king caught his brother's gaze after a moment, shaking his head as if to clear it, then shrugging slightly. Peter swallowed hard.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" he choked out. He felt decidedly unkingly at the moment. Rather, he felt as if he'd been punched in the stomach. The prince, who had been introduced as Lorant of some distant country Peter couldn't remember, stood (he'd been kneeling) and looked if possible even more uncomfortable than before.

"I asked if, as the son of a king, I might have your permission to…ah…to court her Highness Queen Susan of Narnia," he stammered. In the corner, Lucy suppressed a giggle. Peter flinched.

"…er, that is…that's…that's not my decision…"

He slowly turned his head to look at the elder of his two sisters, as if afraid of what he might see there. Susan's face was entirely unreadable. She sat ramrod straight in her throne, watching the young prince, but when she felt Peter's eyes on the side of her head she turned with equal deliberation to look back at him.

"Su?" he squeaked. For an instant he thought the corners of her mouth had twitched upwards, but a second later her countenance was again composed and expressionless.

"Why did you come, Lorant?" asked Edmund suddenly. He seemed to be the only person with a voice. The prince shuffled his feet apprehensively.

"Tales of her Highness's beauty and grace have reached even my distant land," he said. "Because…because I come of ruling age soon, it is my duty to marry and um…produce an heir."

Peter looked as though he might faint at any moment. Lucy clapped a hand over her mouth to stop from laughing at loud. To see her brother, the High King, the glorious ruler of all Narnia, sitting there with the most adorably flustered expression on his face; it was almost more than she could take. She caught Mr. Tumnus's eye from across the room and they shared a gleeful smile. At the last comment, Susan had frowned ever so slightly, one delicate eyebrow raising in skepticism.

"Might I be so bold as to interrupt?" she asked, and her brothers half-jumped to hear her voice. As one they turned to face her. She stared down at her suitor. "I would like to know who asked you to come here."

"Why, your Majesty, I came of my own volition," he said unconvincingly.

"Beauty and intelligence are not mutually exclusive," said Susan lightly, and the poor man blushed a deep crimson. "Was it your father?" Lorant stood there, clutching his cap, staring at the floor. Finally he heaved a sigh.

"Yes," he mumbled.

"And you would much prefer not to be here."

"Yes."

Susan's face broke into a gentle smile and she crossed her legs, leaning back on her throne. The man looked utterly bewildered now.

"You are dismissed, then, Prince Lorant, unless you've other business to discuss here," she said kindly. He looked immensely relieved for a moment, then cringed and looked up at her pleadingly.

"But…your Highness, whatever shall I tell my father?" he said in a very small voice. Edmund sat up a little straighter, trying to look older than he was.

"Tell him that Queen Susan has an overly protective brother who, upon hearing your request, beat you to a pulp and left you for dead."

"Ed!" exclaimed Peter, rounding on him, but he stopped abruptly when he caught sight of the alarmed and confused expression on his face. Peter faltered for a moment, then asked perplexedly, "Wait, did you mean yourself? Or me?"

Lorant looked from one king to the other, then to Susan, who gave him a nod and a small, encouraging smile. Without another word the young prince turned and practically fled the room, his footsteps echoing in the near-silence. The instant he left, the roar of noise that had been present before the prince's proposal returned in full force, now full of speculation about what had just happened and what would happen next. Amidst the chaos Lucy quickly wove her way through the throng to the dais of the thrones, where her three siblings still sat. As she approached they stood. Susan and Edmund came around to stand by Peter and Lucy, and there was a moment of rather uncomfortable quiet between them before Susan swept across the dais and descended to the floor. The rest followed.

Only when they were outside the Great Hall, heading for the gardens, did someone speak. Peter cleared his throat nervously.

"Um," he said, glancing at Susan. "You…you wouldn't have…"

"No," she reassured him. Both her brothers sagged with relief, and Edmund launched into a brutal dissection of the unlucky prince's behavior. Lucy tuned his chatter out even as Susan listened with earnest amusement. The younger found herself walking next to a very agitated Peter.

"Children," he was muttering darkly. "Bearing children. Mad." Lucy giggled.

And as they continued down the hallway, Edmund still rapidly prattling on about how 'creepy' and 'scarring' the whole experience had been, she found herself looking up at a bemused Susan, who shook her head in mock sadness, bent down, and whispered in Lucy's ear,

"I wonder what he'll have to say about this tomorrow."

"What happens tomorrow?" Lucy whispered back. Susan's lips curled into a slightly sadistic smile.

"Princess Ellia arrives."