A/N: It's been a while... However, on with the show. Updates will (hopefully, barring accident or the will of the Internet gods) be reasonably regular. Happy Christmas ;)

Disclaimer: Lecter and Starling are the intellectual property of Thomas Harris. Emma and the kids are the intellectual property of me. Go me.

The Phantom Lecterphile - Chapter 2: Best Laid Plans

The sound of youthful laughter and splashing woke Emma from a sound sleep. It took a moment for her to collect her thoughts and remember where she was. The bed was too soft and the ceiling too high to be home... Ah yes. The Lecters.

Rising, she donned her dressing gown and went to the window. Twitching back the curtains caused glorious late summer sunlight to pour through the indow. Out in the garden, Gabriel, Tycho and Thomas were having a water fight with the garden hose and a peculiar looking contraption that looked like a cross between a mad scientist's chemistry set and something out of Star Trek.

She glanced at the clock. It was nearly midday.

When Emma arrived downstairs, she found Starling lounging at her ease in a garden deckchair on the patio. She watched her sons entertain Thomas with a nearly wistful smile on her face.

'Morning,' Starling said, tearing her gaze away from the happy little scene.

Emma nodded a greeting, and looked around. 'Where's the doctor?' she asked. He made a habit of lurking in unexpected corners and sneaking up behind her. She supposed it amused him to see her jump. It amused the rest of his family, too, although they were usually charitable enough not to laugh until she had fled.

'He has business in Oxford today, he left early.' Starling shrugged. 'I don't suppose he'll be back until tomorrow.'

There was an elephantine crash from within the kitchen. Starling sighed theatrically and rose to her feet to go and investigate. There was no need, for Jade stuck her dishevelled head out of the kitchen door.

'Muuuum, who's eaten all the Coco Pops?' Jade demanded, glaring accusingly down the garden at her brothers. She was still wearing her dressing gown, and her purple hair frizzed out in all directions. She looked, Emma thought amused, like one of those toy Trolls after it had been through the wash.

'I don't know,' Starling said dryly. 'Do you have a list of suspects?'

'Very funny, Mum.' Jade scowled.

'Aren't we the little ray of sunshine this afternoon,' her mother said, turning back to watch the boys at their game.

There was further clattering within as Jade retreated to find some other acceptable breakfast cereal.

Emma took a seat and sipped at her cup of tea. She had severely missed a decent cuppa in her travels around the world. It was nice to be able sit and sip at cup of tea after getting out of bed. That is, sipping a cup of tea with all the proper ingredients in it, anyway. In Mongolia, she'd tried it with mare's milk. It hadn't proved a success.

There was an oddly calming atmosphere about their home, Jade's minor tantrum aside. She hadn't expected to find peace here – it was a far cry from the juvenile chaos of their home in Buenos Aires.

Jade came out, triumphantly bearing a bowl of Frosties, and sat cross legged on the patio to eat them.

Starling turned to her eldest. 'Do you have any plans for the day?' she asked.

It seemed to be the opening Jade had been waiting for. 'Well...' she said.

'Go on.' There was an faint note of suspicion in Starling's voice.

'I thought, since it's a nice day and it's the holidays...'

'Yes...'

'Maybe we could have some friends over and have a barbeque.' Jade gave her mother a sweet smile.

Starling simply creased up. 'You mean,' she said chuckling, 'that since your father isn't here, can Jacob come round for dinner.'

Jade went slightly pink. 'Well,' he doesn't really like him, does he?'

'How do you know?' her mother asked. 'They've never met, have they?'

Jade shook her head, her wild purple hair shimmering in the sun. Emma wondered how she had managed to get away with such a shocking hairstyle in this household.

'They haven't met, but Dad dislikes him on principle.' Jade shrugged. 'I'm sure it will be fine when they do meet each other.'

Starling sniggered. 'If, you mean.' Turning to Emma, she deigned to explain. 'You are bearing witness to part of what I think must be the greatest game of human chess ever played.'

Emma frowned. 'I'm sorry?'

Grinning at her blushing daughter, Starling explained further. 'The saga of Jade versus her father on the subject of young Master Jacob. Two chess masters couldn't do it better.'

'Mum!' Jade protested, going redder. It made for an interesting effect when combined with her unlikely hair.

'They have been going out now for, oh, nearly a year,' Starling continued. 'Hannibal has been sinply dying to meet the young man, and he has visited this house often. However, his visits are always superbly timed to those moments when Hannibal isn't here, or when he is on his way out of the front door – in which case Jacob climbs over the back fence and comes in through the kitchen.'

Emma began to laugh.

'I can't play chess,' Jade said, laughing herself.

Starling shook her head, chuckling. 'Oh, but I think you can...'

'So, can we have a barbeque?' Jade got to her feet, clutching her empty cereal bowl.

'I would say 'ask you father', but... I suppose.'

'Excellent.' Jade grinned, and both Emma and Starling wondered at the gleam of pure evil in her maroon eyes.

They were both nearly deafened a moment later when she let loose a roar that wouldn't have sounded out of place coming from her father. 'Boys! Barbeque's on!'

Tycho and Gabriel came running up, Thomas trailing behind them. All were soaking wet and laughing uproariously.

Starling and Emma exchanged bemused glances as the two teenage boys looked at each other and then high-fived their older sister.

'Sweet,' Tycho said with a positively diabolical grin.

When they had all gone inside to change, Emma turned to Clarice with a thoughtful frown. 'I know I'm out of practice looking after your lot and maybe I'm being a little cynical, but... they're planning something.'

'I hear ya,' Emma's former employer's American drawl was more noticable when she was amused – or worried. 'But what?'

Emma laughed. 'With those three, anything is possible.'

'Don't remind me,' Starling said with a weary sigh. 'I suppose I had better see if I can wheedle anything out of the number one son. He's usually a little more restrained than the other two.'

Somehow, Emma found that slightly more disturbing than Tycho and Jade's general extrovertness. Gabriel, she mused, was much more like his father in temperament. Surely any scheme that involved Jade's natural leadership, Tycho's enthusiasm and Gabriel's quiet planning couldn't be good.

By the time the afternoon rolled around, Starling's policeman's radar was going into overdrive. She had not succeeded in getting anything out of Gabriel, indeed, her offspring had spent most of the day shut up in Jade's room scheming. Instead, Starling resigned herself to knowing about it when it happened, and got busy cleaning out the barbeque and digging out the second-best sausages.

Emma, by contrast, had not let herself worry about what they may or may not be planning, and had taken Thomas out for a walk in the sunshine. It was pleasant to be back in Britain, and not have to care about who might be lurking around the next corner. After all, she mused, it was pretty much a given that in this concrete jungle, the food chain only went down from the Lecters. Her ex husband didn't stand a chance.

She briefly entertained the thought that he might one day meet the doctor, and even better, annoy him – although she didn't honestly think that Ian Morton would have any trouble in that regard. The doctor was a creature of habit, and her ex husband, Emma devoutly believed, could drive the Dalai Lama to murder.

When they returned to the house, they found it full of teenagers. Gabriel and a group of boys his age had seized the sofa and the X-Box, and were engaged in a spirited four-player bout on some Star Wars game. Tycho swept Thomas off to the garden with a plate of chocolate biscuits. Jade was nowhere to be seen.

In the kitchen, Starling was watching her youngest son through the window. He had, it seemed, presented Thomas to a group of pretty, older girls who lounged round on the grass, watching a tall young man cooking burgers on the barbeque.

'Look at this,' Starling said as Emma joined her by the window.

Some of the girls were getting feminine over Thomas and his plate of biscuits. Tycho watched them with an indulgent expression far past his years.

Emma's eyebrows performed an involuntary climb to her hairline as she observed Starling's youngest son rubbing sun cream into the bare shoulders and back of one blonde beauty. His grin said it all.

'A regular Don Juan,' she said, laughing. 'I like the Thomas tactic, very cunning.'

'He is his father's son,' Clarice said, amused. 'He'll be charming them out of the trees in a couple of years.'

'In a couple of years?' Emma exclaimed. 'Are you kidding? They're swooning at his feet already...'

Starling chuckled. 'I may have to point out that I'm too young to be a grandmother.' She paused. 'Hannibal, on the other hand...'

Emma sniggered. 'Who's on cremation duty?'

'That would be the elusive Jacob,' Starling said.

Emma considered him for a moment. 'He looks a bit...' she struggled to find a word.

'Equine?' Clarice supplied helpfully.

'I was going to say well bred, but if you are going to call a spade a spade...'

'His family are hyphenated, it kind of goes with the territory. He's a nice lad, despite being deficient in the area of a chin.' Starling poured two glasses of wine and passed one to Emma. 'I don't suppose you would consider doing me a favour?'

Emma regarded her former employer with a modicum of suspicion. 'Need I say that depends on the favour?'

'Reconissance. I want to know what the orchestrator of this little soiree is doing shut up in her room. She dragged somebody up there, I don't know who.'

Emma laughed. 'What happened to innocent until proven guilty?'

Starling snorted. 'You know as well as I do that innocent is not in my daughter's vocabulary. She is a consummate schemer, and for once I'd quite like to get the drop on her.'

'Fair enough.' Emma set her wine glass down on the worktop. 'I see they're serving up outside, I'll go up and tell them the food's ready. She won't suspect me of an ulterior motive.'

The upstairs landing was dark, and there was the faintest smell of weed. Emma shook her head, amused. While the cat was away, the mice evidently came out for a smoke.

She halted outside Jade's room. There were voices, two, female. One was definately Jade. The other, Emma was surprised to note, had a definate American accent. They were laughing at something, and Emma distinctly heard the words 'and a banana!', followed by the sound of two teenage girls shrieking in laughter.

Emma tapped on the door, and the laughter instantly stopped. There was much muffled moving about and mumbled conversation. She waited long enough for them to hide the ashtray, and opened the door.

Jade sat at her computer with an all too innocent expression. Her hand moved over the keyboard, and the purple on black text on the screen vanished, replaced by Google. Another girl sat on the bed, a plump, friendly looking girl Emma suspected was about Jade's age. Interested, Emma glanced around. The place was a mess, which surprised her. There were also a number of knives on the desk, which didn't .

'They're serving up the food now,' Emma announced. There was a thin coil of blue smoke emanating from behind the half drawn curtain. 'I guess you girls must be hungry...'

'Starving,' Jade said blandly. 'C'mon, Theresa. Let's go.' She hurried past Emma, the plump girl following closely behind.

Emma shut the door again, and followed the girls downstairs.

Evening fell, and the party continued, the garden lights glowing like phosperence in the twilight. Having put Thomas to bed, Emma joined Starling in the kitchen. The sound of laughing teenagers was a pleasant counterpoint to the usual city noise audible in the background.

Starling was once again looking out the window, and the shadowed figures on the lawn. Suddenly, she turned to Emma with concern on her face. 'Have you seen Gabe and Tycho?'

Emma shook her head. 'No, not for an hour or so.'

'That's what I thought,' Starling said, a little grimly.

Emma came to the window and looked out. The huddle of teens on the lawn was raucous and, she suspected, more than a little drunk. 'Um... Have you been keeping track of that bevvy of blondes at all?'

Starling groaned and buried her face in her hands. 'I didn't even think of that.'

'Huh.' Emma found it difficult to suppress a grin, although she knew she only had this to look forward to in the future, it was amusing watching Starling on tenterhooks. 'Well, if they have managed to, uh, rope a couple away from the herd, I doubt they've gone far.'

Starling grunted, muttering imprecations under her breath. 'I'm going to check in the bushes.' So saying, she strode to the back door and disappeared into the gathering gloom.

Jade chose that moment to make a re-appearence. Emma was suprised to realise that she had been lurking in the living room, rather than sitting outside with her friends.

'Where's your friend, Theresa?' Emma asked as the girl helped herself to wine.

Jade giggled. 'She's gone down to the shop for some more lemonade,' she said, grinning broadly.

Emma failed to see what was so funny, and told Jade so. Collapsing in a kitchen chair, the teenager started to laugh.

'You remember when I was little?'

'Vividly,' Emma said, dryly.

'I told you some people on the internet write stories about Mum and Dad. Romantic ones, mostly.' Jade quivered with barely suppressed laughter.

Emma thought back to her brief career as the children's hapless nanny. 'Yeah, I think I remember. You clutched that laptop as if were more precious to you than life itself.'

'She writes the most God-awful fanfiction,' Jade gasped, howling with laughter. 'Honestly... You have to... you have to read it.' She folded her arms on the table and bowed over them, shaking with mirth. 'It has to be seen to be believed.'

Emma regarded the girl, utterly nonplussed. 'Is that what this whole thing was about?'

'Kind of,' Jade hiccoughed, still giggling. 'I'll – no, I'll not explain. You might find out. You might not.' And she was off again, in hysterics. She got to her feet, red in the face from laughing too much. 'I'm hungry, I want a burger. You coming outside?'

Joining the party outside, Emma recieved a plate of carbonised hotdogs and a can of Carling from some youth or other. She hovered at the edge of the party, watching the dark form of Clarice Starling inspecting the bushes for her sons. She did not seem to be having a great deal of luck.

'What's Mum doing?' Jade asked at her elbow.

'Looking for your brothers, I think.' Emma sipped her beer to cover her amusement.

Jade giggled again. Her long-faced boyfriend joined her, slipping his arm around her waist. Jade gave him a kiss on the cheek.

'Are we expecting your father back tonight?' he asked. He had a nice voice, Emma was surprised to note. She had been expecting something of the donkey variety, in keeping with his aristocratic heritage.

'He's staying in Oxford tonight,' Jade said, smiling up at him.

As soon as she said it, Emma felt a suspicion that rapidly grew into a certainty. It was such a strong feeling that she turned and scanned the dark garden for mysterious figures. She should really have looked at the buddelia bush behind her, for exactly seven seconds after Jade uttered the fateful phrase, a dark figure detached itself from the shadows there.

'Good evening,' a smooth and cultured voice purred in her ear.

Emma was proud of herself for not leaping out of her skin. It was the first time she had survived one of his little jokes with her dignity intact. Jade, on the other hand, leapt nearly a foot in the air. She came down poised for flight, like a startled deer. However it was too late, for a pleasantly smiling Dr Lecter was waiting with the air of a man who expected, nay demanded, to be introduced.

Emma grinned to herself. Checkmate, she thought.