Disclaimer: Another first person writing exercise.

Unfettered

It was odd. I closed my eyes at home and opened them somewhere else. My hands held three letters. Hoping that one of them might explain just what in the hell was happening I decided to investigate.

The first note informed me that I had volunteered to be an Omnipotent's source of entertainment. I supposed that explained my surroundings, stone walls and furniture that looked like it had come from a Georgian era bordello.

The second informed me that the Ministry had no plans to scale down Auror recruitment until it was clear that the current emergency had passed, supposed death of a dark lord or no, and that I was guaranteed a place for the duration of Auror training. Good to know, I supposed, hopefully they meant it.

I stared dumbly at the third note in my hands. The Ministry regretted to inform me that my entire family had been murdered by death eaters and wanted me to know that my friends, neighbors, and relatives thought I'd died with them. Furthermore, as the oblivation team had chosen to use a gas explosion to cover up their deaths, everything I owned in the house had been incinerated. I assumed the bastards had taken everything valuable for themselves before they burned my family home to the ground. Have a nice day. Wasn't that a bitch?

The memories hit after that, six years of schooling being crammed in created the mother of all migraines. No personal memories accompanied them, a mercy, meant I wouldn't have to mourn the loss of people I never met. I remembered who they were but it was like all the details and emotions had been stripped out, like I'd read files on them I suppose.

An examination of my new memories showed that, at least for students, things had not gotten much better since the end of the war.

Each of the prefects was a pureblood, none of the heads of houses had been willing to provoke the other side by appointing a muggle born or a half blood.

McGonagall and the other heads of house had bravely kept their heads down and looked the other way when it looked like the other side was going to win. No sense creating grudges that might result in your family getting murdered. The death of the dark lord had changed things, the students on the winning side were eager to settle things and the staff was just as eager to reassert its authority. Emboldened by that, the kids from the dark side had started trying to reassert themselves as being on the top of the school again. In some ways it was worse than when the dark lord was still around. At least according to my new memories anyway.

With all that in mind, I suppose it wasn't surprising that three of the little bastards tried to corner me shortly after I left my dorms. The odds weren't the greatest, while my body had been trained to perform magic and my mind contained six years of instruction, I'd never used it. On the other hand, none of the little bastards had ever been in a real fight. I had. Enough times that my original nose had not been in its original shape. They were also confident that I wouldn't cause them any trouble, confident that I'd be too cowed by their numbers to put up even a token amount of resistance.

Magic being new to me, I fell back on skills that weren't. I seized the first one by the wrist and threw them over my shoulder, hanging on to the arm until they were about to hit the ground and jerking it hard. I backhanded the second, distracting her from drawing her wand, and put my foot in the third's groin with as much force as I could muster. Funny thing about wizards, none of them did much physical fighting, he didn't even try to block, I'd bet it hadn't even occurred to him that he was in danger of being attacked with anything but a spell. I punched number two, who was starting to get over the distraction I'd given her earlier, and put a knee in number three's face who'd bent over and looked as if he were giving serious thought to emptying his stomach.

The one on the ground frantically grabbed for his wand. I solved that issue with a hard stomp. All three were crying at that point, none of them showing the slightest sign that they wanted to continue our discussion so I drew my wand and cast my first three spells. Three stunners.

"If you're going to curse, curse. Don't talk," I advised my three fallen foes.

Naturally two prefects arrived just as I was preparing to go about my business. Unfortunate timing, that.

"What's going on here?" the one on the left demanded.

"Why don't you follow your head's example," I suggested. "Look the other way and pretend you didn't see a thing. Wouldn't want to risk your positions by showing a hint of courage or initiative would you?"

"You're coming with us," the one on the right growled.

"There are three of them," I said calmly. "There are two of you."

"We'd best get them to the hospital wing," the one on the left suggested. "Professor can handle things from here."

"Report to Professor McGonagall's office immediately," the one on the right ordered.

I introduced the two to my middle finger and began walking away. That hadn't been smart, I told myself, I'd forgotten to rob them before I left. Had to be a charm for that, my memories informed me that wizards didn't wipe their asses without magic if they didn't have to so it stood to reason that there had to be a charm to loot fallen foes. I hadn't been engaging in hyperbole, by the way, my memories showed at least a dozen ass wiping charms. It made me wonder a bit about the body's original inhabitant.

To my surprise and joy, it did not take long to find a charm to loot the bodies of one's fallen foes. Say what you will about the Hogwarts library, you had to admit that it was a wonderful resource. I'd be sad to lose it when I graduated in a year's time. Shame I couldn't have shown up earlier so I'd get more time with it.

"Professor McGonagall wants you in her office right now!" I glanced up from my book to see every Gryffindor prefect glaring at me.

"There are six of us now," one of my friends from earlier said with a nasty smile.

"I didn't have a scratch on me then," I pointed out with a wide grin. "But I still put three in the hospital wing. You might get me, but I promise that I'll get every one of you first." Poor things took an involuntary step back at that, were I a better person I might feel bad about picking on children like that. Were I a better person.

"Professor McGonagall wants you in her office," the seventh year male prefect repeated, sounding much less certain than he had before.

"Ask nicely."

"What?"

"Ask me nicely."

"Please go to Professor McGonagall's office," the seventh year female prefect said.

"Alright," I agreed. "Since you asked so nicely, I'll be up after I finish copying a couple charms out of this book." They glanced at each other, trying to figure out what to do. "On your way." They milled about for a few minutes before shuffling towards the exit.

True to my word, I went to meet with their head of house after I'd finished making my notes. I didn't suppose being late would improve her disposition, didn't suppose I cared either.

"Have a seat, Mr. Jones," she ordered the second I came through the door.

"Thank you," I replied cheerfully. I pulled a broken quill out of my pocket and performed my fourth bit of magic, transfiguring it into a cushion for one of the uncomfortable looking chairs in front of her desk.

"Would you care to repeat what you told my prefect to me, Mr. Jones?" McGonagall was white with rage, her glare daring me to do so and confident that I wouldn't have the guts to.

Huh? Either they hadn't reported the fact that I had put three students in the hospital wing or she cared more about the supposed disrespect than the injuries. "I pointed out to your prefect that it would be in their interest to follow your example and look the other way," I said sweetly. "I think I added that it would be a shame to risk their position by showing any hint of courage or initiative."

"Mr. Jones, I expect you to treat me and my prefects with respect-"

"Why?" I interrupted her lecture. "You've repeatedly shown that you're unworthy of it and unwilling to give it to others." That made the woman apoplectic with rage. "Would you like me to elaborate? I'd love to point out the many reasons you're so unworthy of respect that you've made it impossible to respect your position. Would the great hall after the next evening meal work for you? Best to do these things publicly."

"To the headmaster's office with you!" she screamed.

"Hmmm?"

"Now!" The woman stood and reached towards me, stopping when she noticed my wand had appeared in my hands and was pointed at her face.

"Try to put hands on me and we're going to have a problem," I said calmly, figuring correctly that she'd pay a lot more attention to the threat of magical violence over physical and sparing me the experience of beating up an old lady for another day.

"Follow me," she spat.

That escalated quickly, I thought to myself. It was strange, as a child I'd never been able to show much deference or respect to people who didn't deserve it. As an adult, I'd learned to fake it. As I was now? I hadn't seen a reason to for some reason. Chalk it up to the shock of finding myself trapped in another world, perhaps a bit of residual anger from the previous inhabitant at the death of his family. Maybe I didn't have as much self control as I did when I was an adult? Probably not the smartest thing I could have done, but it had been fun. I plotted as I followed the old woman, she set a blistering pace through the halls, while mine was more sedate, deliberately provoking her by forcing her to stop several times for me to catch up.

"Stay here!" she ordered as she stepped past the gargoyle and went up the steps to the Headmaster's office.

It wasn't more than a few minutes before she returned from whence she'd gone. "The Headmaster will see you now," she said with a smile that suggested she thought I was about to get my comeuppance.

"Wonderful," I replied. "If you'll excuse me." I brushed past the old woman and went up to meet with Dumbledore.

His office was much as it had been described so I don't think there's much point in describing it again. His chairs were much more comfortable than the ones in McGonagall's office, I saw no need to transfigure myself a cushion.

"Do you know why you're here, Mr. Jones?" Dumbledore asked, sounding serious.

"Not a clue," I replied, enjoying the way my posterior sank into to the chair's fluffiness. Despite my outward appearance, I was a grown man on the inside, I wasn't about to be intimidated by his act. "Was it because you wanted to know how low my opinion of the staff was?"

"It was not. Professor McGonagall says you were disrespectful to her?" he said, sounding serious. I supposed he was probably giving me a look of disappointment while he did it, I don't know, I wasn't paying him much attention. I made a mental note to look up mental defenses.

"McGonagall asked me a question and did not like the answer. She has no one to blame but herself for that."

The old man paused for several seconds, not sure if he was thinking about what I'd said or trying to ratchet up the tension.

"You truly find my staff unworthy of respect?" he said finally, breaking the silence.

"I truly think they're cowards who would rather stick their heads in the sand than show any integrity. I truly find it hard to believe that they're worthy of even a speck of respect when they spend so much of their time showing that they aren't. Is that clear enough or would you like me to elaborate?"

"Please elaborate," the old man requested, sounding old and tired. I wish I knew if he was being sincere or if it was part of an attempt to manipulate me into thinking he was being sincere. Would have made a lot of plans redundant and opened up a lot of options, but there was no point in dwelling on the past.

Per his request I told him what had happened and explained exactly why my opinion of the staff and school was so low. I pointed out the fact that the heads of house hadn't nominated a non-pureblood to be a prefect or head student since Lily Evans, I pointed out how they'd subtly favored the right sort of student over the wrong sorts and how their prefects had followed their lead.I finished things off by telling him how the dark lords death had made the wrong sort of students eager to settle things up and how badly the professors and prefects had reacted to that. "And that's why I don't respect them," I finished.

"You can't expect them to just turn a blind eye?" Dumbledore said, grasping at straws.

"Why not? That's what they did for most of the six years I've been here."

"I see."

"I don't believe you do," I disagreed. "I've kept my head down for six years because I was afraid my family would suffer if I didn't. Guess that means I can't hold six years of cowardice against them without being a hypocrite. I can however hold their actions since the death of you know the bastard against them and they've been telling. Let me say that again, my family is dead, with that in mind I think you'll understand why I find it so hard to give a damn what your staff wants." I suppose some would say that it was a bit low to use the deaths of people I'd never met to try to manipulate the old man, I reply use any tool you have to achieve victory.

"I am sorry about that, Mr. Jones," Dumbledore said, sounding sincere. "Believe me that I would have done all in my power to prevent it."

I shrugged. "Maybe. If you're telling the truth, you're the only one in the school that means that. Flitwick gave me the death notice after lunch and told me I could take the rest of the day off from classes. He certainly didn't look broken up by it when he did."

"Do you need some time for the funeral?"

"The Ministry has informed me that, so far as the muggle world is concerned, I was killed in the gas explosion that incinerated my family and all their possessions. I've been forbidden from making contact with anyone in the muggle world that might have known me."

"I . . . would you like me to do something about that?"

"Are you able to get any of my family heirlooms back from the obliviators that stole them? Failing that, how bout unburning my house or resurrecting my family?"

"I am sorry, Mr. Jones, I am unable to do any of those things."

"Don't see the point then. I would like a clean identity in the muggle world, but not enough to owe you any favors."

"I would not think you'd owe me any favors for righting an injustice, Mr. Jones."

"I don't trust you enough to believe you, Mr. Dumbledore," I replied honestly. "I think I'll be able to set up my own identity after completing Auror training, well, assuming the ministry keeps its word and I'm not dropped for being a muggle born before it starts."

"It will, Mr. Jones."

"We'll see." I shrugged. "Suppose I'll find a way to get by either way." As many had pointed out, only an especially stupid magical would starve to death.

"Professor McGonagall would like you to be assigned detentions for the rest of the year," Dumbledore spoke up after a few seconds. "She believes you need to be taught to show respect."

"McGonagall and the rest of your staff can learn to be disappointed if they expect me to cater to them."

"I suspected that would be your attitude." We sat in silence for a while. "What would it take for you to pretend to respect them?"

"What do you have?"

It took some time, but we eventually agreed that I would pretend to be a model student while in class so long as the staff pretended to be professional enough not to retaliate against me in class and to turn a blind eye to my activities outside class. Or, as I put it, to pretend I was one of the dark lord's supporters. I also got a pass to the restricted section and the promise that Dumbledore would do his best to see that I didn't lose my appointment to the Auror academy and that I would get a clean identity in the real world.

Surprisingly, he'd also apologized for his staff's behavior and had promised to look into it. Just the sort of thing he'd have said if he were trying to manipulate me, or if he were sincere come to think of it. Things would have been so much easier if I had someone in this godforsaken world in a position of power that I could trust.

I was back in the library fifteen minutes after I left the old man's office. I had two goals for the day, to find a way to protect my mind and to learn about fiendfyre. I accomplished them both. Well, sort of, the fiendfyre was more of a work in progress. It'd be months before I was confident enough to cast it and another year before I considered myself a master of the spell.

True to the Headmaster's word, McGonagall and the other professors were nothing but professional when I attended class the next day.

"Stay behind a moment please, Mr. Jones," McGonagall requested with a surprising amount of politeness.

We both waited until every student had left and the door was shut. "What can I do for you?"

"I've spoken with the Headmaster." She sighed. "He has given me a lot to think about. After reflecting on my actions, I find I owe you-"

"Nothing," I interrupted. "Let me be clear, I don't blame you for keeping your head down. Be a bit hypocritical for me to blame you for cowardice when I behaved the same way for the same reasons. I blame you for how you acted after the bastard was gone."

Her lips pursed and I thought she was going to explode again for a second. "Thank you for your candor."

"How bout this, while I'm in class, why don't we both pretend you're a teacher. While I'm out, why don't we both pretend the other doesn't exist. It's only a year, it won't be too hard." I turned and walked towards the door.

"I am sorry about your family, Mr. Jones. I didn't know?"

"You didn't care to find out, Professor," I corrected. "Good day."

"Good day, Mr. Jones," she said automatically.

I admit, I wasn't handling the situation very well. The smart thing to do would be to reconcile, to use the excuse of my family's murder to excuse my behavior, and to manipulate the woman and the rest of the staff into becoming my supporters. The thought of doing so left a bad taste in my mouth, I wasn't a good person, my plans and future actions would show that, but I drew the line at that. Well, I drew the line at doing that again unless the advantage I'd get would outweigh my distaste. Besides, if my plans bore fruition any good people associated with me would soon be distancing themselves so why waste time.

Hogwarts was unquestionably the greatest wonder of the magical UK, the room of requirements was unquestionably the greatest wonder to be found in Hogwarts. Being a civic minded sort, I made sure to empty it of refuse before I left the school. A good deed that both deepened my pockets and gave me an object to test my control of fiendfyre. My first attempt burned a hundred or so square meters of pristine forbidden forest before I managed to exert my control over it. It was a work in progress.

One of the first things I did upon my graduation was to try to go to Privet Drive. I found I could not, so I did the next best thing, I sent a threatening letter implying that if caring for two children was too much work that we could see to it that she only had one to focus on and that we'd be watching. It went down hill from there, I think that coercing a woman into doing the right thing by threatening the safety of her child is the most morally questionable thing I've ever done which is saying something when one considers my record of corruption, arson, theft, and murder.

Speaking of arson, the second thing I did was to burn the Riddle Manor House to the ground with my favorite spell, same with the Gaunt Shack. I found a small stone in the ashes of the shack, there didn't seem to be anything magical about it but I had no doubt that it was what I expected to find. That left the problem of what to do with it, my first thought was to drop it into one of the deeper parts of the ocean. Not sure what stayed my hand but I ended up dropping it into an unclassified box of mineral samples in a university museum and tossing a notice me not charm over the whole thing. Charm had probably not been necessary, judging by the layer of dust over everything in the store room, but it had made me feel better.

I'd also made a quick trip to the Riddle Family section of the local cemetery and replaced every bone with copies made from transfigured penguin shit. Horrible stuff, penguin shit, green and fishy.

The Auror Academy wasn't bad, wasn't good either. I managed to be in the top five graduates, something that protected me from being immediately downsized in favor of someone of 'Better birth.' Ended up being assigned to the Auror responsible for investigating crimes committed in Knockturn. It was likely supposed to be the sort of unpleasant unglamorous assignment that pushed me into resigning so my position could be given to someone from the right family. For my purposes, it was perfect.

My field training officer was a man with fifteen years on the force and little time to spend holding a mudblood's hand while he learned how to be an Auror. He was also very very corrupt. I couldn't believe how lucky I'd been to get someone so perfect.

"I think forty percent is fair," I said cheerfully as he sat down at his desk.

"What?" he eyed me suspiciously.

"Sorry, I almost forgot. Please look through the envelope on your desk."

The envelope was a testament to how well I'd paid attention at the academy. The report had it all, pictures, times, dates, names, amounts. My instructors would have been proud.

"Feel free to keep that copy, I have a lot more. So will a lot of other people if anything should happen to me."

"Forty percent?" He snorted. "Most junior partners are lucky to get fifteen."

"Most junior partners aren't as good at writing reports," I rejoined.

He shook his head. "Twenty five."

"It's a very good report."

"I'll give you thirty and not a bit more."

"I'll agree if you also give me outstanding on every evaluation," I stated.

"Done." He laughed. "Most junior partners aren't smart enough to ask for that too. Didn't think a mudblood would understand how the world worked."

"With how low my pay is? I'd be an idiot not to look for ways to supplement it."

I learned a lot from my first partner. The academy had taught me how to investigate crimes, he taught me how to commit them and cover them up. Man was an artist, department didn't know what it lost when he retired a few years later.

Half a year after becoming an Auror and I was ready to resolve another problem, I really had to thank my partner for that, I could have never done it without all the things he taught me. Just went to show that it was always important to learn as many things from as many people as possible.

"Hello, Arthur," I said, sliding into the man's office with a grin. "How are you doing today."

"Jones," he replied, trying and failing to hide his distaste. "Why are you here?" Not six months on the job and I already had a reputation of being one of the more corrupt Aurors on the force, something that had taken no small amount of work to accomplish.

"Wanted to pick your brain on something, you being a muggle specialist and all."

"What do you want to know, Jones?" his tone conveying how little he wanted to talk to me.

"Well, obliviators took care of a situation around where you live." And what a bitch it had been to create the appropriate paperwork and implant the proper memories. "Seems a couple boys have said that a rat that turns in to a man has been hurting them at night."

"What?" the man looked sick, said well for him. "Hurting them how?"

"Exactly how you think, Arthur," I replied calmly. "You have a number of sons, don't you, Arthur?"

"Why?" he asked, voice flattening, his posture turning dangerous.

"Well, there was something about the rat man that stuck out to me, a distinguishing feature I thought I'd ask you about."

"What?" his voice was primitive, guttural, and more than a bit intimidating.

"It's missing a claw." I held up my hands and grabbed one of my fingers. "On one of its forepaws. Come to think of it, one of your boys has a pet rat doesn't he, Arthur? He wouldn't happen to be missing a claw, would he?"

"Move out of the way," the man ordered, storming towards the door.

"In a bit," I hardened my voice. "Let two things be understood, Arthur."

"What?"

"One, you're going with five Aurors and one healer to deal with a situation you worked out yourself. I had nothing to do with it. That's the first thing you need to understand. Do you understand, Arthur?"

"I do."

"Good. The second is that you owe me a favor. I want copies of everything you create. Every report, every bit of evidence, everything you have before someone bribes the Minister to make it go away. That's another thing no one else needs to know about, Arthur."

"Why?"

"None of your business, Arthur."

"No, I mean why do you care about what happened to some muggle boys? Why do you care what might happen to mine?"

"You know my reputation don't you, Arthur? Some people say that I'm willing to turn a blind eye to any crime I happen across if I'm given enough gold."

"I've heard that," he admitted.

"There isn't enough gold in the world to make me turn a blind eye to some crimes, Arthur. Let's leave it at that."

Pettigrew was in custody within the hour, he'd broken and confessed his role in the deaths of the Potters in two, and hung himself in his cell in three. The last had netted me a not inconsiderable amount of galleons, hadn't even had to get my hands dirty, all I'd done was let slip to the right people that Pettigrew had been arrested and that he had dirt on them. They'd paid a bent guard to take care of the rest.

Pettigrew's arrest and the revelations he'd made before his untimely death had exploded a bomb in the Ministry, Bagnold was out and no one knew who her replacement would be. Sirius Black was also out, though considerably happier about that fact than Bagnold had been. I visited him in the hospital to congratulate him and to offer to sell him his godson's location for the low price of fifty galleons. He hadn't been interested in buying.

Two days later, he took a seat to the left of my favorite bar stool and informed me that he'd changed his mind.

"Where's Harry?" the ex-inmate demanded.

"Where's my hundred galleons?" I replied, drawing my wand under the bar and pointing it at his gut. "Oh, and I also want a favor."

"You said fifty before."

"I offer a fifty percent discount to invalids." I grinned. "Thought you said you could get it for free from Dumbledore."

"How do you know?" the man challenged.

"Afraid you don't have enough gold for that tidbit, mate."

"How many people have you sold it to?"

"Or that one. Be sure to thank young Harry for my new flat the next time you see him." My grin deepened. "Barkeep, a beer for my good friend here on my tab. He just got out of prison and I promised the first round."

Sirius glared at me as he sipped his beer. "Is Harry in any danger?"

"I'd imagine so. I don't have anything specific to sell if that's what your asking."

"Here." The man threw a leather bag full of coins onto the table. "I hope you choke on them."

"Just a moment, you won't be insulted if I count them, would you?"

"Check to make sure they're real while you're at it," Sirius spat. I was starting to get the feeling he didn't approve of me.

"Good idea." I nodded seriously. "One can never be too careful." It was all there. "As to my favor."

"What do you want, Jones?" Sirius growled.

"Is that any way to speak to one of your best friends?" I asked, trying to sound hurt. "The man who made sure you were able to reunite with your godson?"

"For one hundred galleons," Sirius said sourly.

"How much would you give to make sure young Harry is safe and with you?"

"Everything I own," Sirius answered immediately.

"Leaving aside the fact that admitting that was probably not the best thing to do until after we concluded our transaction, one hundred galleons seems fairly cheap now, doesn't it?"

"What do you want, Jones?" he sighed.

"The chance to destroy one item that I believe to be in your childhood home."

"What item?"

"One to be named at a later date." I thought about it. "Why don't I sweeten the pot? I'll also trade a bit of information on your brother."

"My brother's dead."

"Murdered by the late dark bastard," I agreed. "Would you like to know why?"

"No."

"Yes, you would."

"Fine." Sirius looked more resigned than anything. "Then will you tell me where my godson is?"

I told him, both bits of information. The first one put a strange look on his face, I assumed it was a mix of pride and sorrow, the second is what he'd come for.

The man finished his beer, I finished mine, he went to reunite with his godson, I had another beer. I don't know what happened next, either Sirius used the fact that an unknown number of no doubt hostile people knew his godson's location to force Dumbledore to grant him custody or he just showed up and took the boy. I do know that Sirius Black was seen buying toys a few days later, I wished them both the best. May they have a happier life in this world than they had in the original.

We made an appointment to destroy the item a week later and Sirius got a much happier house elf out of that deal than would have otherwise been the case. That was three, four more to go. Maybe three more, depending on when he did the snake. Shame I hadn't paid better attention to the damned books.

A year into the job and I'd gotten through my probationary period, three years and I was again facing redundancy. The new minister had announced his intention of reducing the number of Aurors by half, stated he only wanted to keep the best ones and thanked the rest for their service in a difficult time. Most people interpreted that to mean purebloods, the small minority that didn't were so stupid I suspect they had trouble remembering to breathe.

My solution to ensure my continued employment was to volunteer to be assigned to Azkaban as the duty Auror for the next six months, something that was normally a two week punishment assignment. I kept my job and my burgeoning reputation meant a number of the dark families were willing to pay me to see that their incarcerated loved ones got the occasional care package, bout half of them contained poison, of course, those got vanished. I didn't object to people speeding up their inheritances, I did object to them doing so in a way that could be traced to me. Death rate still went up dramatically, I supposed that some people were better at hiding than I was better at finding.

Azkaban was a dreary place, it had very little to recommend it. The food was awful, the company was terrible, and the weather was dreadful. There was almost nothing to do and absolutely no one to do it with. I tried to keep busy, I practiced sleight of hand, I read a number of books, I even took up gardening. Admittedly, the only thing I managed to keep alive was a single castor bean plant. All in all, aside from a rash of disease that hit the island just as I was leaving it was a fairly uneventful stay. Speaking of the epidemic, a number of death eaters succumbed shortly after I left the island. An odd coincidence that.

I returned from Azkaban and went directly to Gringotts. A couple of my former prisoners had made a small bequest to me and I didn't want to delay receiving it. At the department, I replaced my old partner as the Auror in charge of Knockturn, seemed none of the right sort wanted the assignment. Meant job security and another revenue source so I wasn't about to complain about it.

Life was good for a while, things were quiet, my bank accounts swelled, I got the chance to ruin a man's chances of ever getting the most perfect smile award, and some pigs got an extra meal out of it.

I developed a new hobby, photography. Shortly thereafter, Knockturn was filled with discreet little cameras that helped me keep track of everything that was going on. I put them everywhere, the streets, the shops, the bordellos. George Orwell would have been sick. The number of cases I solved increased dramatically, more importantly, so did the number I was paid not to. I upgraded my retirement plans accordingly.

Same year Crouch's replacement retired and he was replaced by none other than Amelia Bones. A woman who was not one of my greater fans, a woman who'd started no less than three investigations into my corrupt activities when she was the Head Auror, a woman Fudge was forced to appoint after her predecessor got a bit too open about how dirty he was. Not everyone could pull it off as well as I did.

I was the first one called into her office after she took the job, an honor I shall cherish for the rest of my life.

"Have a seat, Jones," she growled. Her glare deepened when I took the time to transfigure myself a cushion and cheerfully thanked her for taking the time to meet with me. "Be on notice, Jones, I don't like you-"

"Why not?" I interrupted, trying to sound like my feelings had been hurt. "I like you."

It was clearly not what she'd been expecting to hear and it broke her train of thought. I had a feeling she'd practiced her speech before calling me in, perhaps had been practicing it for years on the off chance she'd get the big chair.

"Be that as it may." She glared at me in silence for a few moments, collecting her thoughts. "I want you to know that you're on notice. Things will be different with me in this office-"

"You called me in to ask for suggestions?" I said in delight. "I'm flattered, you know, it's taken as an article of faith among field Aurors that lobotomies come with promotions, but to know that you're different, to know that you haven't forgotten us is." I wiped an imaginary tear out of the corner of my eye. "I'm overcome with emotion."

"What?" she stared at me dumbly.

"Is my first suggestion to improve the department?" I asked, trying to sound serious. "Aside from increased pay?" I laughed. "How about a bigger evidence room? Or more evidence rooms. Or maybe refresher training, I don't have to tell you how hard it is to set aside a bit of time to train when one has a pile of cases to get to. Dedicated scheduled training time would be a godsend, especially if it came with an instructor."

"I-"

"Thank you for showing such confidence in me, Amelia." She flinched at my familiarity. "I'll be sure to think about what we discussed and if I think of anything else, I'll be sure to let you know. Let me say again how flattered I am at how much trust you've shown me and how gratified I am that an Auror of your stature is in the big chair." I stood up and walked out of her office before she had a chance to object.

While she did not call me back in, I did have a number of colleagues poking around my section of the magical world for the next few months asking questions and trying to get one of the shop keepers to go on record that they paid bribes. They failed, of course. It would take someone especially stupid to talk knowing what generally happened to snitches in the alley and that I'd get replaced by a relatively honest Auror that couldn't be persuaded to leave well enough alone via bank transaction. So they decided to try something else.

The kid they picked to get me was fresh out of the academy. I figured they assumed there was less chance a new graduate would be corrupt and less chance I'd know her. Adorable little thing, I almost felt guilty about how I handled things.

They set her up in a new shop, one just inside the alley, likely to keep her close to backup if something happened. I timed my first visit with her backup's lunch, unconscionable to leave the kid alone like that, she didn't know how fortunate she was to have me as a target.

"Afternoon," I said cheerfully as I stepped into the new shop. "Thought I'd introduce myself. I'm Jones, the duty Auror for Knockturn. You have any problems, be sure to bring them to me and I'll do my best to resolve them."

"T-uh, Smith," she said, stuttering. "This is my shop."

"A fine one it is, Smith. What do you sell here?"

"This and that," she said evasively. "So, uh, exactly what do I need to pay?"

"Best talk to the Department of Licensing," I advised. "I think a business license is six galleons, but I'd say it's as likely I'd be wrong about that than right so best go to the source."

"No, uh." Poor thing got flustered at that, it was adorable. "How much do I have to pay you?"

"I don't collect fees, you need to go to the Department of Licensing." My brows knit together. "Unless you're talking about fines. If I issue you a fine for something, you can pay it at the window by the Department of Magical Law Enforcement."

"Couldn't I just give it to you directly?"

"That'd be convenient, but it'd also be illegal," I laughed. "I wouldn't worry about it, I don't like issuing fines to honest shopkeepers like yourself, so it won't be an issue. Unless it's really bad, I'll give you a warning and plenty of time to fix the issue, and even then it'd have to be really bad so set your mind at ease."

"Um, that's, um, good to know."

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get going. One of your neighbors complained that a couple kids have been drawing dirty pictures on her walls."

"Um, good luck?" I had the poor thing so turned around she didn't know what was happening. Bad form to bring in a new graduate without giving her any real backup. I was professionally offended by the sloppiness.

Several things happened over the next few months. I expanded my cameras into Diagon, though not quite as completely as they covered Knockturn, I made several more visits to the new graduate, all coinciding with her backup's lunch breaks, poor kid lost patience three months in and got too blatant to ignore.

"What's going on?" the kid asked as I snapped the cuffs on her, her eyes flicked to the door expecting her backup to burst in and save the day. Pity for her old Harrison was busy drinking lunch or things could have gotten dicey.

"What's going on is that you're being arrested for offering a bribe to an Auror," I said, trying to sound disappointed. "This isn't like you, kid, I know you." I shook my head. "I'm sure someone else put you up to it."

"There has to be a mistake," she protested, eyes locked on the door. "Just wait and we can get this all taken care of."

"If I were you, I wouldn't say anything until I had a chance to speak with my solicitor. Just keep quiet and talk to your solicitor, okay, kid?" I put a smile on my face. "Everything is going to be okay, you were probably led astray by someone, right. Talk to your solicitor and I'll see if I can get you a deal to flip on them for immunity. We work things out you won't spend a day in Azkaban. Just stay strong and stay quiet and everything's going to be alright."

Poor kid didn't say a word as I took her back to the department and put her in one of he holding cells. "I'll have a word with the guard, tell them to be on their best behavior, okay kid. I'll tell them that you were led astray by a bad element and that you're going to cooperate and that you'll be out and back in your shop in a day or two. Just remember, keep quiet until you speak with your solicitor and stay brave."

True to my word, I did. No sense making things more traumatic for the little thing than absolutely necessary. Ten galleons to the guard meant she got the Lucius Malfoy treatment for the duration of her stay. I hoped she didn't lose her appetite, the elves made a truly superb crème brulee.

I was at my desk for an hour when the department head herself stormed in with half a dozen Aurors in tow and fixed me with her most ferocious glare.

"Where is Auror Trainee Tonks!" she demanded.

I carefully put down my report. "Who?"

"Auror Trainee Tonks disappeared earlier today," she said through clenched teeth. "I want to know where she is right now."

I nodded. "I'll talk to my informants. Do you have a description?"

"She was last seen taking with you." The woman looked ready to throw herself over my desk and throttle the life out of me. "If you've hurt her-"

"Who said that?" I interrupted.

"Numerous witnesses."

"Afraid they must be mistaken." I scratched my jaw. "I've been at Knockturn most of the day and I got the paperwork to prove it." I indicated the stack on my desk. "One shoplifter, turned over to her mother. One warning for selling expired potions ingredients. One arrest for attempting to bribe an Auror. Speaking of the least one, Amelia, I think she was led astray by someone else. Pretty sure she'll cooperate in exchange for leniency. She's a good kid, Amelia, there's no need to ruin her life for one little mistake."

"You arrested someone for trying to give you a bribe?" she asked incredulously.

"Hard to believe anyone would think I'd be willing to take one isn't it?" I laughed. "Back to her, can't we go easy on her, Amelia, she's just a kid."

"Auror Trainee Tonks was on an undercover assignment in Knockturn Alley under the cover name Smith."

"Damn," I sighed. "That's my collar. She was trying to establish her bonafides by bribing an Auror, wasn't she? I ruined the investigation didn't I?" I sighed. "No excuses, Amelia, I must not have read the damn distro." I pulled a stack of papers out of my inbox and started shuffling through them. "Think we can salvage the investigation?"

"No." Her glare deepened. "Where is she now?"

"Holding cells, she's just a kid so I told the guards to give her an easy time of it."

"Uninjured?" She motioned for two of her Aurors to go check.

"Kid came easy, Amelia, seemed more confused than anything else. In the future, please tell me directly when you're running an undercover op in my alley again so I don't screw up this bad in the future. Department memos just don't cut it." I shook my head. "Not finding it, Amelia. Either I didn't get it or I tossed it. Not sure which."

"I want a report on this incident on my desk within the hour, Jones," Amelia ordered before turning and storming off with her menagerie in tow. Well, that had been an an enjoyable way to spend the afternoon.

Couple weeks later my cameras caught Hogwarts' groundskeeper leaving the magical UK's sole bank with a suspicious package. Likely nothing, but worth checking out all the same.

Years of practice had made me a skilled pickpocket, one able to lift small objects from even the most vigilant pedestrian. Hagrid was not the most vigilant pedestrian in the world, the rock I'd found in the ashes of the Gaunt shack had another sample added to its box, and I contemplated sending a letter to the world's foremost alchemist. I didn't, of course, too much of a risk and anyway, Dumbledore's reaction to the theft proved to my satisfaction that it wasn't the real thing.

The next year was fairly quiet, the department made a half dozen attempts to catch me taking a bribe or committing another crime and I blundered into each one and arrested everyone involved. Amelia stopped visiting my desk after the third attempt, just sent one of her aides to spring young Tonks from the holding cells. A good time was had by all, though it seemed young Tonks was developing a crème brulee habit from all the time she was spending in the holding cells.

I again found myself consulting a sister department shortly after the start of the next school year. An informant had given me information about a petrification at Hogwarts which matched nicely with a fight one of my camera's had recorded. I assumed Lucius was on a schedule, give this item to some student this many years after I disappear and all that. Never bothered to confirm it either way.

"Hello, Arthur. It's been a while, I trust that you've been well?"

"Jones." He actually smiled at me, it was bizarre to get a friendly greeting from anyone in the department, let alone someone on the lighter side of things. "What can I do for you."

"In need of your expertise again, Arthur. You're an expert on dark artifacts aren't you? Kinda goes with the job."

"I know a few things," he allowed.

"Well, I heard a rumor, don't know how accurate it is mind you, that someone slipped a dark artifact into a student's things."

"What sort?" the man asked professionally.

"A book, a diary that saps life force to strengthen a possessing spirt. Just wanted to know if such a thing was even possible."

"It might be," he allowed. "Any idea which student?"

"Afraid not, all I know is that it was supposed to be a pureblood. Likely the child of someone Lucius Malfoy isn't fond of, possibly a female, possibly a first year, possibly a red head." I raised my eye brows.

"Possibly my daughter."

"Possibly," I agreed. "Or possibly someone else. Incidentally, let me know if you need to get into the Chamber of Secrets. I've always wanted to take a look around but was never able to open the entrance."

"Any idea how?"

"My problem is ability, not knowledge, Arthur. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm sure you have errands to run and I have bribes to take." I grinned. "Ha ha. I'm trying to put more humor into my conversations."

"Keep working on it."

"I shall. Good day, Arthur."

"Good day, Jones."

"And remember." I paused at the door. "I don't know who you heard that rumor from but it wasn't me."

"Of course not, Jones. I don't remember where I heard it but I know it wasn't from you."

"Always a pleasure, Arthur." I paused in the door. "Before I forget, fiendfyre is one of the few ways to destroy the object. Let me know if you need someone to cast it and I would be happy to help."

"I will, thanks, Jones."

Three days later and I was back at Hogwarts enduring Dumbledore's disappointed stare as I disposed of yet another of the bastards anchors.

"I'm told you know the location of the Chamber of Secrets?" Dumbledore asked.

"Assuming you have someone who can speak snake," I agreed.

"I do," he said simply. "What do you want in return for this information?"

"Well, I get to be the first one to go in for one. I get fifteen minutes alone, for two. I get access to anything found, for three. I get a couple favors to be paid at a later date, for four." I grinned. "For four. Sounds strange when I say that out loud, doesn't it? For four."

The headmaster agreed to my demands and shortly thereafter, I was sliding into the legendary Chamber of Secrets with nothing but my wand and four dozen roosters to keep me company. Damned things made a terrible racket, to be honest, they were so distracting that I barely had time to do any looting.

Dumbledore and the others joined me at the end of my allotted time. For several seconds, their attention was entirely captured by the corpse of the massive snake which dominated the cavern. For several more after that, their time was taken up by silencing the birds I'd brought along for company.

"How did you know it was a basilisk, Mr. Jones?" Dumbledore asked curiously, the old man was the first one to break the silence.

"How did you not?" I replied. "I expect no less than twenty percent gross for the proceeds from its sale. Good day, Albus."

"Good day, Mr. Jones," the old man's voice had an odd note to it. Hopefully Arthur hadn't been telling tales.

Things were quiet in my patch of the magical world after that, not much happened aside from the fact that a senior Ministry Employee was mugged and murdered one night while visiting my alley. I rounded up the usual suspects, each of whom professed to have no knowledge that would help solve the crime. Despite pressure from above, I privately doubted poor Madame Umbridge's murder would ever be solved.

It wasn't long after that, that I managed to get tickets for the World Cup. It hadn't been hard, I'd simply told one of the scalpers that a ticket was the cost of doing business in my alley and keeping all his teeth. He agreed that it was cheap at twice the price.

The game was outstanding, I managed to make myself a tidy sum via a few friendly wagers and I did a good deed by helping a colleague's children.

"Excuse me boys," I stepped over to the Weasley twins. "I couldn't help but hear your conversation."

"Who are you?" the left twin demanded.

"Auror Jones," I introduced myself. "I'll start with the bad news. The law says you can't go to court to collect gambling debts. Not much I can do for you in my official capacity."

"What about unofficially?" the one on the right asked hopefully.

"Quite a bit," I admitted. "What I propose is to buy his debts from you and to handle things myself from there."

"For how much?" Lefty sure was suspicious of me. Kid would go far.

"Generally it's one sickle on the galleon." the two breathed in sharply. "But Arthur's a friend of mine and I like you boys' enterprising spirit. I'll give you full value for his marker." They agreed and I passed it off to an associate a couple days later for the usual price. Sure I took a loss, but sometimes doing good was its own reward. Poor Ludo had an unusual run of bad luck after that, it was the oddest thing, he somehow managed to break his knees repeatedly. I've never seen anything like it.

Spirits were high after the game, seemed like the camp had turned into a giant party. Even fans of the losing team were getting in on the celebration. Mindful of my responsibilities as an Auror, I stayed sober and did my best to keep the peace by breaking up fights and making sure anyone passed out on their back was put on their side.

Shortly after dark, I came across a small group of guys that were up to no good. Deciding that I wouldn't give them a chance to start making trouble in this neighborhood, I began flinging curses. Many, perhaps most of them got away. Which left me with the problem of what to do with the ones that didn't.

I considered the bodies dressed in Death Eater robes for a moment. I'd wondered if they'd cause trouble again this time around. As a sworn law enforcement mage, I was duty bound to apprehend miscreants like this and bring them in to face the full might of the law. In their case a hefty fine and a few bribes. What I was not supposed to do was to ambush them, kill as many as possible, and rob their bodies. I flicked my wrist, the loot charm was so useful.

I snapped the wand in my hand and vanished it with my Ollivander. I was probably the only Auror on the force that used disposable drop pieces, got them by the dozen by shaking down petty criminals in Knockturn and other less savory areas of society. They were great, usually came with a history of dark magic, and if not it was no chore to hit a couple mosquitoes with the killing curse. Have a corpse you needed justification for making? Nothing better than a wand with a couple killing curses to provide it. Have a group of death eaters you didn't want bribing their way out of trouble? The same.

After a couple minutes of thought I vanished their masks and robes as well before sending up a jet of red sparks. Might be able to touch the families for a bit of gold later in return for protecting their reputations by destroying evidence. A jet of red sparks summoned back up and the whole situation transformed from a death eater attack to a drunken brawl which resulted in numerous fatalities. Say what you will about magicals, ninety percent of them are too dumb and lazy to challenge a narrative.

To my surprise, my decision to vanish masks and robes was more profitable than I'd dreamed it could be. Easily being the largest source of income I got that year and pushing me to past the point I needed to work. Independently wealthy, no combination of words sounded sweeter.

The rest of the summer was mostly uneventful, I found a small cave I'd been searching for since graduation and used my favorite spell to cleanse it. I hoped the poor bastards found peace.

The school year began and the streets no longer rang with the laughter of children. I updated a bit of paperwork and made a few investments in the non-magical world, among which was a small beach house far far away from the magical UK. I wanted to be sure to have some place to go in case of sudden unemployment. That out of the way, I set about arranging a short meeting with the Head of the Department. Dealing with her attempts to catch me taking bribes was starting to cut into my bribe taking time.

I stared down at the sleeping woman for a few seconds before I realized how creepy I was being. Welp, nothing to do but to get this over with, I decided.

"Wake up, Director Bones," I said loudly.

She did and was visibly displeased by my presence. Not surprising considering the fact that I was in her bedroom, likely made worse by the fact that I was widely considered to be the dirtiest Auror in the department.

"Jones!" she spat. "Who did it?"

"Paid me to kill you?" I guessed.

"Tell me and get it over with," she ordered, putting on a good show of someone resigned to death. Subtile movement under the sheets showed her trying to find one of the many backups she'd concealed. I really hoped I'd found all of them or else things were going to be messy.

"I'm not here for that," I said calmly. "Though I can think of several people who'd have been happy to spend a bit of gold to remove you from this world. I'll try to remember to send you a list later if you want."

For a moment, a look of undisguised shock was on her face. It was little moments like this one that kept me going, little amusements mixed in with the normal drudgery of life.

"What are you here for then?"

"Wanted to give you a few things." I nodded to the file I'd placed on her bedside table. "That's a record of all the dirty things I've done over the years including a list of who paid me to do what. Also gives the locations of all the evidence I was paid to disappear and on whose behalf."

"What?" the look of shock was back, it was delicious.

"Thought you'd like to have it," I said lightly. "Also some information I was able to turn up on our last Dark Lord. In short, he's not dead, I think I know why, and I've been doing my best to remove him from the board. Copy of that is going to go to Dumbledore in a week, be interesting to see which one of you is more effective."

"What made you change?"

"Do try to keep up, Director Bones."

"Your record goes back all the way?"

"To the very first bribe I took right out of the academy."

"Who put you under cover?" she demanded.

"I did."

"You can't put yourself under cover!" Ah the infamous glare, my old friend, how long since I've seen you. Two days I think. "There are rules."

"Put in place by corrupt politicians to protect themselves. Speaking of corrupt politicians-" I grinned at her.

"Third section of the file?"

"Third section tells where all the dirt I've got can be located," I agreed. "Also in the evidence room, I've got a lot of stuff stored there." That was why I was always pushing to get it expanded.

"Why not bring this into my office? Why the drama?"

"The fact that your office is bugged for one thing," I stated calmly.

"What?"

"I think that's how Lucius Malfoy always knows when you're about to conduct a raid, even when you don't tell the Minister," I said thoughtfully. "Could be wrong."

"Lucius Malfoy is bugging my office?"

"At least a dozen people and entities are bugging your office," I corrected. "I'm not sure, but strongly suspect Lucius Malfoy is one of them." Only one of the buggers I knew for sure was myself. I had strong suspicions about the other eleven but hard evidence had eluded me.

"It gets swept every week."

"By someone's son in law who got the job thanks to their connections and inbreeding. Bout three quarters of your staff matches that description and you're surprised that your security is compromised? I'm starting to rethink my strategy of coming to you with all this, there's got to be someone less gullible I could use." I tapped my chin. "You think Arthur Weasley is free?"

"A point," she admitted.

"Oh, and while we're on the subject of compromised security."

"That's how you got in," she sighed.

"Ministry upgraded your wards when you took your position. People that did it were quite competent, corrupt as hell, but very competent. Three off the books ways of getting in that I know about."

"Damn them," she spat.

"Straight to hell," I agreed with a laugh. "Didn't chase all that down till late July, think I found all the holes but I wouldn't put money on it."

"Why wait?"

"Figured you'd be easier to deal with when your niece was safely at Hogwarts."

She took a moment to consider it. "You figured correctly."

AN: While this is an author insert, I really hope it isn't a self insert. I like to think that I'd handle things differently, maybe write up everything I know, send it to the proper authorities, and disappear. In any case, I like to think that I wouldn't beat up children, murder people, rob people, extort people, etc.

Suggestion by Eric Oppen

Title by gthesob

Typos by Ibskib, Jimbocous, Bill Gray, john cornell, joey zoot

Omake: Ending

The ocean breeze on my face felt wonderful as my hammock swung lazily back and fourth. This was the life. No magicals, no worries, no job, no people, nothing but peace and quiet.

"Should have done this years ago," I mumbled to myself. "Piss on the magical world."

Course I'd have never been able to afford it if I'd left earlier, one thing I hadn't told Amelia when we'd had our little meeting was how profitable being the dirtiest Auror on the force had been. Ten years and I'd been able to retire to paradise, I'd never have managed it by being clean. I'd done good by doing bad. What's more, I'd saved the magical world. I think I deserved a little happiness.