Hey minna-san! Ok, this odd idea came to me when I was driving home from seeing Star Wars III Revenge of the Sith. It's kinda out there, so bear with me. Anyway, this takes place in an AU of Red Dwarf. All time is corresponding with the Red Dwarf series. Please read and review!
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or Red Dwarf, if I did, do you think I would be sitting in a two bedroom trailer, sharing a room with my sister? My answer: like hell.
Three Million Years Ago
Captain Hollister finished his speech with, "Oh, and just one more thing before the disco, Holly's told me that he's sensed a non-human life form aboard."
"Sir, it's Rimmer!"
"We don't know what it is, Lister. So just be careful, ok?"
As soon as Rimmer left for the exam, Lister locked the door to his room. Then he lazily got out of bed and shuffled toward the locker. When he got there he pulled out a plastic jar, from which the distinct sound of insects buzzing could be heard. Then he turned around and headed toward the rear of the room, to the writing desk.
"Frankenstein; come here, Frankenstein," he leaned forward and plucked something out of the cabinet. There was a 'splash' and 'rib-bit' as he pulled his beloved pet out from hiding. It was a frog. The green amphibian squirmed in his hand and tried to get loose, but Lister held fast. "Awww, you're getting really big now, you know. I hope it's not twins, you've already got all me time, having to get this many flies. Never mind. Maybe when the baby frog comes we can give it chicken and pretend it's flies; it's only a baby frog, it won't know, ay'?"
As he held the frog, he pulled out a photograph, "Do you want to see me picture of Fiji again, Frank? You're gonna love it there; look."
Lister left Kochanski, and walked into the Captain's office. He had barely gotten inside when Captain Hollister started to question him, "Lister, where's the frog?"
"Wha- what frog?"
"Lister, not only are you so stupid you bring aboard an unquarantined animal and jeopardize every man and woman on this ship, not only that, but you take a photograph of you with the frog, and send it to be processed in the ships lab," Hollister shook his head before continuing. "So, I'm going to ask you again, do you have a frog?"
"No."
Hollister took something from behind his desk. As he held it up, Lister could see that it was the picture he had sent in, "Have you got a frog?"
Lister gave in and shrugged, "I snuck one."
"Where did you get it? Titan? Don't you realize that thing could be carrying anything? Don't you remember what happened on the Oregon with the rabbits? Lister, a loose animal onboard this ship could get anywhere; it could get into the air ducts; it could get into Holly. You know, a little nibble here, and a little nibble there, Lister, and before you know it, we're flying backwards," Hollister put more a point on it by demonstrating with his pen. Then he continued angrily, "Now I want that frog, and I want it now!"
"Erm, sir? Just suppose I had a frog, just suppose, what would you do with Frankenstein?"
Hollister leaned back in his chair and put his hands be hind his head. "I'd have it sent down to the medical center, and have it cut up, and have tests run on it."
"Would you put it back together when you're finished?"
"Lister, the frog would be dead," he added a little emphasis on dead, as if it were some basic fact that even a person with the IQ of 1 should know; and frankly, it was.
"So, with respect, sir, what's in it for the frog?"
"Lister, GIVE ME THAT FROG!"
"See, it's not as easy as that! Me and the frog, we're gonna have a baby frog; and we're gonna buy a farm on Fiji, and we're gonna have a sheep and a cow and three 'orses. It's me plan, and no one can get in the way of it; not even you, and I do respects you, sir."
"Ahhh, Lister, do you want to go into stasis for the rest of the trip, and forfeit eighteen months wages?"
Lister replied glumly, "No."
"Do you want to hand over that frog?"
Even more depressed, "No."
"Choose."
Present Day
Rimmer and Lister walked down the hallway, when there was a sudden 'clang', and a small creature popped out of the ventilation shaft in front of them. As it stood up, Lister and Rimmer could see its full appearance. It was about two and-a-half feet tall, with green leathery skin, and long pointed ears. As it turned, its almost non-existent brown hair barely moved. It stood up to its full height and looked the two in the eye, then spoke, "Yoda, I am."