Xena and the Hawk

By: Susan

Disclaimer: I don't own The Animorphs, though I did take a quiz on the scholastic site and found out I'm most like Rachel (though I knew that already.) I guess that's why Rachel and Tobias are my favorite characters, huh?

As I was saying, I don't own the Animorphs, and I have no money, so don't sue me. ;)

Summary: Rachel's thoughts after Book # 32, The Separation, in which she is split into two halves, one cowardly, and the other violent, due to a morphing accident as a starfish.

xxx

"Are you okay?" Cassie asked me. I was in Cassie and Jake's arms, my legs shaking, barely holding up my body. I looked around at my friends.

The explosion of light, the extreme pain. She was gone. No, she wasn't. She was in me. They both were. The coward and the killer.

"Rachel, do you want to sit down? Maybe talk?" Cassie asked me gently. I shuddered.

Cassie had always been there for me, and how could I explain without hurting her that I could never talk to her about this?

"I…I don't know…" I said softly, feeling my eyes slowly coming back into focus.

Cassie wouldn't understand. The girl's my best friend, but she always tries to see the good side of everything. There's no good side in me anymore. There's no killer in her.

We've grown apart since the beginning of this war.

"I'm here for you," she told me soothingly. I scanned the room, my eyes still blurred from the flash of pain. Marco, Jake, Ax, Cassie, Erek…My eyes fell upon Tobias in the rafters. Tobias.

"Thanks Cassie," I said softly, not meeting her eyes. "But…" I hesitated. Would he want to be with me after he had seen the monster and the coward living inside of me, each wanting to take control? Would I want to be with me? "Tobias?"

Yeah. Let's go, Rachel. The two of you and the two of me. Let's go. I breathed a sigh of relief, and slowly began morphing to bald eagle. I wanted so badly to be in the sky with Tobias, not a care in the world.

We left Cassie's barn in silence, flapping hard. The air was unusually void of the thermals that would lift us high off the ground. I watched Tobias, a pro in the air, adjusting his wings and feathers as he flew, so at home in the sky.

Well… said Tobias awkwardly, trying to fill the silence as we flew. I was quiet. You can tell me anything, Tobias said softly. I know how you feel.

I suddenly felt the need to lash out. No, you don't! No one knows how I feel. Everyone is expecting me to be brave, to be Xena. Tobias, look what's living inside of me!

Rachel…

And then, when I am brave, it's not really bravery is it? It's sheer recklessness, I'm just barging in without giving the situation a thought. And all that violence…I have it all caged up inside of me.

The fact that he didn't answer for a long time really freaked me out. Tobias always could answer my questions. Tobias knows me better than I know myself.

Rachel, did you ever think of what would have happened if it had been someone else who had gotten split in two? He asked me suddenly, as we soared over the forest.

The nice Rachel did, I responded slowly, as I began searching through my memories. They were all jumbled up, and I felt like someone putting a puzzle back together. I had memories from the wimp and the aggressive Rachel, memories that were occurring at the same time. I was reliving a conversation between two different people through both of their heads. One word. Weird.

And what did she think? Tobias asked me gently. I was in no mood for gentle.

She? Why she? It's what did YOU think! That's the question you should be asking me! I am her! I am a wimp, and I am also a vicious, horrible-

Rachel, listen to me, Tobias said as he shot down to land in a clearing beside a river in the forest, You are not a violent, out of control maniac killer, and you are not a frightened, airhead little wimp.

So then I'm a mix of the two? I asked him irately.

Well…yes and no, Tobias told me as I followed him, diving to down land.

Great. And I was supposed to be a role model for Sara and Jordan, I said bitterly.

That's not what I meant, Tobias said softly, as I hit the ground and began to demorph. Brown feathers faded into skin, wings changed into arms, talons shrunk and smoothed into pink toes. The white feathers of my proud eagle head were the last to fade into my fair skin.

"Well, then what did you mean?" I asked angrily as he settled into a tree.

Rachel, you aren't either of those things; you're a balance between them. Not a mix. A balance.

"A balance," I exclaimed, "Well that's great then, when I go psychotic on everyone, and then the next minute I'm a wimp, I'll just explain that I'm a balance!"

You've never done that before, Rachel, and I doubt you ever will. That was a freak accident.

"No, I am a freak accident!" I turned toward him, so badly wanting to make him understand. I focused my eyes on his golden hawk ones. "Tobias…" I lowered my voice, "Tobias, sometimes…Sometimes, I love it so much. I love this war. I love being a warrior, going into battle, being a grizzly or an elephant…I get this rush from it all." I stopped, wanting to see his reaction. Before I met Tobias, I could have cared less about what anyone thought about me. But his opinion had begun to matter so much more than my own.

I wanted so badly for his face to show a hint of emotion. Obviously, hawks aren't too emotional. It's not like they can cry and grab a box of tissues. You know, with their wings. But either way, I wanted to know what he thought.

"And then," I told him slowly, "sometimes, I want it to go back to the way it was. I want to be able to cruise the mall, or do something normal. But the rush I get from fighting the Yeerks…Tobias, it's so much more than the rush I get from being normal. There's something wrong with me. How could I want this?"

Rachel, you're a warrior. And you know what, if it helps, I don't know the answers either. You needed this war, just like I needed it. You needed to get away from being some blonde supermodel airhead, and to use your intelligence and cunning for something real, something important. In some ways, girl, you scare me. What's going to happen when this is all over? You can't go back to being an airhead shopper and gymnast…You're a warrior… You're so much more than that.

I stopped at his words. They were spoken with affection, but they were far from affectionate. I needed the war? I needed the war with the Yeerks? I needed the death and the destruction and the chance that maybe our planet, our species, would perish, just so I could be a warrior? Guilt washed over me. Guilt, that nasty little monster that always seems to make you hurt more when you don't think it's possible to.

"I can't believe that," I lied quickly, and I sat down on the ground, trying not to let him see the tears. I haven't cried in ages. And yet, after one tear crept out of my eye, dozens seemed to follow and I was helpless to stop them. What he'd said was true. It was all true. And as much as I didn't want it to be, it was. I wiped my eyes and tried to hide my emotion from him. I couldn't let him see me like this. I'm Xena. Xena doesn't cry.

Hawk eyes don't miss anything. He fluttered down off the branch and perched on my knee.

Don't do that.

"Do what?" I asked angrily.

Don't cry. His words in my head just make me cry harder. The tears were drowning my face, and as much as I didn't want them to be there, I felt more and more relieved as each tear fell.

"Why can't I? I may be aggressive, but I still have a little wimp in me, don't I? Everyone needs to cry sometimes," I told him angrily. He hopped off my knee and onto the dirt beside me.

You don't need to cry. Rachel…You can talk to me. We talk sometimes…but not about stuff like this. Cassie talks to Jake, and Jake talks to her. Ax and I talk to each other. Marco talks to Jake. Maybe not expressing all the feelings they have inside…But some of them. Don't you ever want to just tell someone everything? The wimp Rachel tried to go to your father. I'm not your father, Rach, but telling me isn't going to risk our secret. Just let it out.

I turned away from him and started walking towards the trees in the forest. He didn't follow. I stared up at the sky, trying wish it all away. Why try anymore? We had all tried to wish away the nightmares and our problems. It was useless. I was upset and angry. Looking up at the sky with those feelings bubbling up inside of me made me realize why Tobias was so at ease with his life as a hawk. It didn't make me like it, but I understood.

A couple of moments later, someone took my hand in their own. I turned quickly, and I stared straight into the dreamy and slightly expressionless eyes of Tobias' human form. I admit it, his tousled dirty blonde hair and his awkward presence as himself made my heart ache. Yes, I admit it; it was Xena, feeling emotions other than to destroy.

Seeing Tobias there made the tears fall even faster. They were shooting down my cheeks like a kid on a slide in one of those water parks.

"How could I want this? Look what it's done to you! You're not even human anymore!" I couldn't stop myself from shrieking at him and pulling my hand out of his.

"Stop it," he shouted hoarsely. He swallowed, trying to regain his unused voice. "Just stop!" I stopped. Tobias had never raised his voice to me.

"Tobias! Don't you understand what we could have been? You're…" I lowered my voice again, and it began to quaver. "Tobias- you're more bird than human. Without this war…we could've been…we could've been us…"

"Rachel," he said, his voice cracking, "I hate to break it to you, but…without this war there never would've been us…"

"But-" I started, but Tobias beat me to it.

"Rachel, as amazing as you are…You wouldn't have- We wouldn't have…" He trailed off, then suddenly seemed to regain his composure. "Rachel, you were Ms. Popular, with the grades and the friends and the clothes…And I was a dork, I was bullied, I had no money and no family."

"That doesn't mean-"

"Rachel- Did Jake ever tell you how we met?"

"I don't remember…" I said softly. Tobias smirked at me.

"Some jerk was trying to flush my head down the toilet," he said chuckling.

I was enraged. "And you let him?"

"Rachel, when the guy is twice the size of you and has a couple of buddies just as big, you don't argue," Tobias said dryly.

"But I do…" I said slowly.

"I told you, Rach, you're a fighter," he said with affection. "And if we had met before all of this, you probably wouldn't have liked that I wasn't one."

"But you are one now," I told him soundly.

"Well…The war with the Yeerks has brought us a lot of things," Tobias said, with a bitter twinge barely hidden in his voice.

"It brought us together," I said softly. "You may be a bird, and I may be Xena…But we're together."

"And we've grown up."

"Too quickly," I said wryly, grasping his hand tighter.

"It's changed us all as people, and it's brought out our strengths and weaknesses. You're really the first to have seen them firsthand, Rachel, and that's okay…That's what wars do." I was silent, just staring into his eyes. "Rachel…you're right. This war has brought us together. And it hurts to say it because of everyone it's torn apart."

We were quiet for a few moments, just holding each others hands and thinking hard.

"Tobias…I…" He turned and looked at me again, his eyes narrowed slightly. "You're squinting." The words popped out of my mouth, making me forget what I was about to say.

"Sorry," he said ruefully. "Hawk eyes, remember?" The tension had been broken, but suddenly neither of us knew what to say. I sat holding his hand for awhile, knowing he was right, that it felt good to let my feelings out to someone.

"Tobias…If you had been split in two..."

"Bird and boy," he said automatically. "Rachel, that's my life now. It has been for awhile. And I know it hurts you, but…well it's okay."

"Would you…after the war…"

"Rachel…I don't know. Right now I don't see an end to it." We were quiet for a moment, and I huddled closer to him. The combined lack of experience with his human body and with human girls made him tense up and slide slightly away. I tried to ignore it.

"What about everyone else?"

"You mean if they were split in two?"

"Yeah. Jake, Cassie, Marco, Ax," I said, "The Animorphs."

"Who thought that up?"

"Marco."

"He's got a dark side. Because of what they did to his mother," Tobias said softly. I'd never realized the unmistakable sadness in his voice when he said the word mother.

"And what about Jake?"

"Deep down…I mean, because of Tom. But he hides it."

"And Ax…" I knew the answer to the question already.

"Ax wants to avenge his brother's death." Tobias said quietly. "Not that I blame him." I agreed. Seeing Elfangor die had haunted my dreams and memories for a very long time.

"Why is it that Cassie wouldn't have a 'mean' side?"

"Maybe because Cassie's family hasn't been torn apart by the Yeerks. Although, your family hasn't either…"

"Cassie's more levelheaded than I am," I said, "Plus, she's grown up trying to prevent living things from death, and now she's the one doing the killing."

"Cassie's mean side would probably be the one not doing homework," Tobias said, and started to laugh.

"Imagine Cassie nicer than she already is?" I asked him, shaking my head. "I love the girl to death, but I don't think it's possible! Though, then again, that's coming from me, the stuck-up, mean one."

"I didn't say you were stuck up," Tobias said.

"Neither did I, actually," I replied modestly, "But many of the non-Animorphs at school don't agree."

"They don't know you as well as I do." I smiled at him.

"You know what's odd?" I asked.

"Mhmm.." he mused, and then he slowly slid his hand around my waist. My eyes bulged about a foot out of my head because of his boldness. Hadn't he been the one to pull away before? I immediately forgot what I was saying and groped the air for words.

"What's odd?" he said, then he removed his hand quickly. "I'm sorry," he sputtered, "I didn't mean to..." I took his hand and placed it back around my waist, keeping my hand on top of his. Once again, we were silent. A good silence, though. Comfortable.

"It scares me that we wouldn't have been together without the war with the Yeerks," I told him, laying my head against his shoulder. I felt his body tense up immediately, but I didn't move. Slowly he relaxed.

"Sorry…" he whispered in my ear. "I've never…Sorry."

"Don't be." Again, silence. "Tobias?"

"Yeah?" We were so close, and I wanted so badly to reach out and grab his face, to make sure he was really there.

"You know how you said we've grown up so fast?"

"Yes."

"So…Then doing this wouldn't be a problem?" I leaned in and kissed him, released his hands and put my own around his neck. His whole body was tense, almost afraid, making me just want to hold him tighter.

"Nope," he said as we pulled away, "Not a problem." We laughed for a moment, and then he put his arms around me protectively, no longer nervous or uncomfortable.

"Thanks for being here, and…you know," I said swallowing.

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else," he whispered huskily into my ear.

"Tobias?"

"Yeah?"

"I think…" I hesitated. That was our first kiss. Could I really feel so strongly about someone I'd only kissed once? Then, I thought about what Tobias and I had been through together. All the adventures…All the battles. It wasn't just one kiss. We'd grown up together, and as stupid as it might sound, I knew. "I think I'm in love with you."

He was silent, and I began to feel like I should have kept my mouth shut. Rachel, don't be stupid, I told myself, only a crazy person could be in love after their first kiss.

"Rachel?"

"Yeah?"

"That works out well, because I think I feel the same way." A wave of relief washed over me like a wave washing over sand at the beach. Tobias leaned in and pressed his lips against mine once again, a tingle spreading from my lips down to my toes. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he placed his hands tighter around my waist.

We separated after a couple of moments, but I kept my hands where they were, running them up and down his neck gently.

"Thank you," I whispered to him.

"For what?" he asked, surprised.

"For being here for me," I said slowly, "And for caring about me."

"For loving you, you mean," he said wryly, and kissed me again. "But thank you, for loving me, a boy who eats mice and lives in trees."

"And for loving me, Xena, Warrior Princess, a girl who enjoys turning into a grizzly bear and kicking Yeerk butt." I said, and began to laugh as he placed his arms around my waist confidently.

"Rachel? Is it just me or have we gotten really weird?"

I thought about where I was for a second, wrapped in an embrace with the love of my life, who was actually a bird who ate rodents, in the middle of a forest I spent more time in than my own bed. On weekends I turned into a grizzly bear, or some disgusting type of insect, and kicked Yeerk butt with my friends. I hadn't slept without nightmares in months, nor had I gotten a full night sleep. But here I was, Tobias holding me so close.

And that seemed to make everything all right.

I laughed and kissed him once more. "It's just you. I wouldn't give this up for the world."

xxx

A/N:

I hope you enjoyed it. You see, in Book # 32, The Separation, Rachel and Tobias leave together. In Book # 33, The Illusion, Tobias at the end says he is "the person Rachel loves." I know they have an "unspoken relationship," but still, I like to think that there was a conversation between them where this was all said, and between these books was a good spot for it. Also, In Book # 33, Tobias says "She kissed me." But he didn't seem shocked by the kiss. So perhaps they kissed before then? All right, enough of my analyzing. I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a review.

-Susan