Choices

Chapter 21

…

Dinner had been a quiet affair, except when the baby fussed. The second time it happened, Kensi had shyly asked if she could hold her, and Deeks watched a slow smile spread across her face when the tiny little thing quieted right down. Discussions between them about children had been put on the "Things We Don't Talk About…Yet" list. It was the only thing on the list really, so her actions were a revelation, and his spirits lifted. She looked up to see him watching her, and he wasn't sure what he read in her expression, except happiness. What that might mean for their future, he honestly had no idea, but it was something. At least he hoped it was.

As they'd worked their way through dinner, designs for Elan's barn had been discussed in earnest, and Callen had informed them that he'd be flying home the next morning. Deeks discovered that his big bay mare, Sheila, had been bred to a neighbor's award winning quarter horse, and that she would be dropping her foal around the same time as Peaches and Lady. But it was Joe's news about becoming a deputy sheriff that was the high point of the evening, even though George's congratulations we're muted. Deeks could tell he was worried that, once again, his son would be walking into dangerous situations on a daily basis. He would never discourage his son from doing what he loved, but his concern was honest. Deeks had watched the silent communication between him and Diane during Joe's announcement. They felt the same way. It was something they both had to learn to live with, just as he and Kensi had come to accept their own vulnerability on the job. He knew they would support Joe, but he also knew it would be hard on them.

Soldier had tried to be enthusiastic, but he was saddened that Molly hadn't shown up for dinner and hadn't called either. No one had told him she might be moving to France, all of them hoping she would come and tell him herself. It was painful to watch his confusion, and the only one to bring a smile to his face was his three-year-old cousin Chris, who pestered him with questions most of the night. They hadn't seen each other in a while, and the little boy wanted Soldier to tell him all about the horses, which was a welcome distraction for the kid.

"I thought she'd come," Kensi said, as they helped each other clear the table.

"It's early yet," Deeks said. "She's traumatized, Kens. Maybe it's just too much for her to deal with right now."

"She's probably still at the hospital with Alison," Kensi said. "They're keeping her a few more days. Purty too."

"She's not coming," Soldier said, moving silently up behind them as they stacked dirty dishes. His expression was stoic, and reminded Deeks of Elan when he absorbed something painful, keeping his response contained until he had the time and inclination to deal with it.

"She texted me," he continued, in short, monotone sentences. "Said her mom wasn't feeling well. They're moving to France. Said she would be busy. Probably wouldn't see me before they left."

"I'm so sorry, Soldier," Kensi offered, but the boy ignored her.

"Can I talk to you, Uncle Deeks?"

"Sure, buddy."

Kensi took the hint and gave Deeks a cautionary look as she headed into the living room towing Chris, who had trailed Soldier babbling out more questions.

"Can we go outside?" He asked.

"You gonna be warm enough?" Deeks asked.

The boy just shrugged and reached for one of the wool coats hanging next to the door. Deeks did the same, and followed him out on the porch. Boo, his resident yellow lab, followed them out, leaving the three older dogs snoring in front of the fire. Deeks limped behind Soldier as he walked gingerly to the end of the porch and stared out at the barn. It had started to snow, and fat white flakes floated down past them in the dark.

"I thought Molly liked me," the boy said.

"Did she say she didn't?"

"No, but she didn't come tonight," he replied. "So she must not want to see me. Doesn't that mean she doesn't like me anymore?"

"Did anybody tell you what happened to her out there, Soldier?" Deeks said.

"A little," he replied. "The man who stabbed me kidnapped her."

"And beat her mother, probably in front of her," Deeks said, not wanting to sugarcoat any of it. "She was roughed up, gagged, tied to her horse, and hauled up into the mountains. Her brother told her he wanted her dead, and then tried to shoot her and her dad. Elan had to kill him, Soldier. She saw that."

"I know what that's like," Soldier said.

"I know you do. That's why I told you," Deeks said. "She's in shock. Just like you were when your mother was killed right in front of you."

"I was mad for a long time after that," he said. "I never told Molly."

"I hope you find a way to see her before they leave. It might help her to talk to someone who understands what she's dealing with. They won't be leaving for a while, so you've got time."

"Guess we're just friends now," Soldier said.

"Kensi and I were friends at first," Deeks said.

"But she doesn't know I love her, Uncle Deeks," he said, sounding desperate. "Shouldn't I tell her that?"

"Now might not be the best time, buddy."

"Then when?"

"Once, when Kensi and I were having problems, George told me love is patient," Deeks said. "You've both suffered. You're both still in pain. Give yourselves time to heal. Be patient, buddy. It worked for me."

"But she's leaving."

"So, maybe you'll go back to France one of these days," he said. "You can look her up. See how she feels about you after she's had time to process everything."

"Yeah…someday maybe," Soldier said. "But, right now…it kinda hurts that she didn't come tonight."

"I know it does, but you can't let that ruin things between you," he replied. "Having her as a friend is a good thing, isn't it?"

"I guess so."

"She's pretty awesome," Deeks said, remembering how comforting the touch of her hands were when he was being dragged up the mountain. "She's a brave girl, Soldier, and right now she needs a friend."

"Yeah…I know," Soldier replied. "I'll text her."

"Or you could talk to her face to face," Deeks suggested.

"Yeah…maybe," he replied. "I could to tell her all about Normandy."

"Alison wants to buy a place there," Deeks said. "You can give her Mimi and Luc's number. They might know of properties for sale in the area."

He could see the boy mulling that over. Soldier had become close to the two when Elan took him to France to meet Lily, a French intelligence officer who had saved their lives, and who he had fallen in love with. Soldier still felt a kinship with Lily's old friends, Mimi and Luc Caron, thinking of them as grandparents. Mimi was a long time friend of Hetty's, and a retired French intelligence agent with an amazing array of powerful friends. Her husband, Luc, had landed on the beaches of Normandy during World War II. When German soldiers ambushed his unit, he'd been badly wounded and had hidden in Mimi's parents' barn on their small farm in the Normandy countryside. He never left. The two married when Mimi was old enough. The old man knew horses, and he and Soldier had bonded almost from the beginning.

"Molly would love Luc's horses," Soldier said, smiling for the first time.

"Mimi would be a good friend to have. And so would Lily," Deeks said, knowing the French intelligence agent would look out for Alison and Molly if Elan asked her to.

Soldier smiled broadly at that. "Papa and I could introduce them."

"You miss all of them, don't you?"

"Not as much as Papa misses Lily," he replied, and then grew solemn. "It doesn't always work out so well when people live that far apart, does it Uncle Deeks? Even if they love each other."

"No…I'm afraid it doesn't," Deeks replied.

The teenager looked resigned after that and remained quiet, looking out at the barn as if it held the secret to it all. Deeks draped his arm across the boy's shoulders and stayed with him, waiting until he was ready to go back inside.

He recalled the conversation the two had up at the overlook, just before all the chaos began. Soldier had seemed so innocent, seeking the answer to the question of how you knew you loved someone. What he hadn't told him then, was what the boy painfully understood now. Loving someone wasn't easy. It was beautiful, and was the most amazing feeling in the world, but it could also tear you apart from the inside. He had personally experienced plenty of ups and downs building his relationship with Kensi, but he hadn't wanted to share all that with Soldier in their initial conversation. He'd just wanted him to experience that magical feeling, that unbelievable rush of joy a first love gave you. He didn't want him to know it could crush your heart if you let it, or that sometimes love only flowed one way, or withered despite your best efforts. Sometimes, a person only get a moment to experience it, but that moment can whet the appetite, and he wanted Soldier to realize that his first love wouldn't be his last. He just didn't know how to tell him that when he still had such strong feelings for Molly.

"Did you love anybody before you met Kensi?" Soldier asked.

"I dated quite a few girls in my early days. Some seriously," he answered carefully. "But I never loved them the way I love Kensi."

"What was the difference?"

"She was the difference," Deeks said. "I'd never met anyone like her before, and once I realized I was in love with her, I wasn't interested in anyone else."

"How many girls were you with before Kensi?"

"Do you want a head count, or can I just say…a lot?"

He heard the boy laugh softly in the darkness, and he began to grin. "It's called 'playing the field'. At least it was back in the day…the days before Kensi."

"When Molly's gone, do you think I'll find someone else I'll like as much as I like her?"

"I have no doubt about that."

"What if it takes a long time?"

"Finding someone you love and who loves you back is the universal quest," Deeks said. "You're young, so just keep searching, buddy."

"Play the field?" Soldier asked with a grin.

"You might be a little young for that," Deeks backpedaled. "But I have a feeling that when you get to high school the girls will find you."

"Really?" He looked doubtful, but hopeful at the same time.

"Just don't let all the attention go to your head," Deeks said, remembering his own conceit. "Just be yourself."

"I'm Arapaho," he said quietly. "A lot of kids at school won't even talk to me."

For some reason, that had never occurred to Deeks, and he was suddenly angry. "I'm sorry that there are people like that in the world…"

"People like the Kemps who hate us just because we're Indians?"

"Molly doesn't hate you, and neither does Alison," he replied. "There are good people out there, Soldier…people who will see you for the good kid you are. People who don't judge."

"Like Molly, and you and Kensi."

"And Cousin Di, and her family, and lots of other people around here," Deeks said. "Make friends with those people, and ignore the others. They aren't worth the effort."

It bothered Deeks that the hate Soldier had experienced made him feel isolated and different, unworthy somehow. It enraged him that the boy would have to learn to live with that kind of prejudice. He could only hope it didn't sour him further and make him bitter. Soldier was young, but innocence never lasted long in this world, as Deeks knew from experience.

"Horses are a lot easier to understand than people," Soldier finally said, and yawned.

"For you, maybe," Deeks said. "Me…not so much."

"Sheila loves you," Soldier said, grinning widely.

"Of course she does. She's a very intelligent animal."

"You're really funny, Uncle Deeks," the boy said, and turned to face him. "And I love you, too."

He hugged Deeks fiercely, and the gesture, along with the boy's declaration, left him stunned. A rush of warmth spread through him as he hugged Soldier back. They had come close to losing this remarkable, found boy, and Deeks would cherish this moment. Elan was blessed to have him as a son, and Deeks could only hope that some day he would be as fortunate. As they walked back inside, he wondered if their upcoming "second" honeymoon would be too soon to broach that sensitive subject with Kensi. Probably, but the choice between having kids or not, still hung over them. He loved her with everything he had. She was his world, but he still longed for the joyful rush the birth of their own child would bring. A first love like no other.

…

Epilogue

…

Honeymoon Number Two

…

She smiled to herself. He had let her sleep in, leaving a small pink orchid blossom on his pillow, knowing she would look for him when she woke. She didn't need to read the note beside it. He'd gone surfing. He was due. It was the first time since there'd been here. She tucked the flower behind her ear and set the note on the table beside her with the others. He had taken to leaving notes all over the house. Yesterday she'd found one tucked in a bowl of carambola and mangos on the table on the lanai. Some were silly, some sexy, but all ended with "I love you" and signed "Mr. Bleeks". She couldn't stop him from teasing her with that name whenever he got the chance, and she didn't have the heart to scold him because he always looked so happy when he said it.

Leaning up against the bamboo backboard of the bed, Kensi smiled with contentment, luxuriating in the warmth of the morning air and the sound of birds calling and cackling in the palms that surrounded their honeymoon haven in Costa Rica. It wasn't anything like what they'd expected. It was as isolated as Hetty had told them it was when she'd offered it to them as a wedding gift. It was steps from a secluded beach, and close to town, but the size had surprised them. Knowing Hetty and the kind of wealthy friends she had who own the place, they had expected a sprawling modern house. What they found instead was a snug, low slung bungalow built of warm colored teak and bamboo, with a tile roof. When they walked inside for the first time, Deeks had been speechless, finally speaking only in whispers when they started exploring the rooms, as if he were afraid the place might disappear in a puff of smoke. She was as in awe as he was, but mostly she'd simply enjoyed watching his expressions change as they moved through the house. It was an amazing gift Hetty had given them, the perfect place to recover from what had happened in Wyoming.

Their favorite part of the house was the extended lanai, which was open on three sides and filled with potted orchids and colorful lounges. Just a few steps away, a small, blue tiled pool looked out to the beach. Why they needed a pool when the ocean was just beyond she had no idea, but Deeks thought it was awesome, and laughed out his approval. It was the perfect place to help him rehab his hip, and he'd spent his first few days working to make sure he would be strong enough to surf.

A stone patio surrounded the pool and a pathway led out to the sand and another curved through the palms to a hidden cabana tucked into the bamboo and flowering bushes that pressed the left side of the house. When they first found it, she immediately claimed it as her own, and had pulled her new husband down on it with her. Deeks called it cuddling in paradise. They had made good use of that cabana every day since they'd arrived.

She took her time in the shower, afterwards pulling on shorts and a bright red top splashed with yellow hibiscus, quickly tying the ends in a knot beneath her breasts. It was one of Deeks' favorites, and she wanted to see his eyes light up when she found him on the beach. She was surprised how different she felt now that they were married. They had been comfortable living together for a long time, but actually being married had cemented their bond, erasing that sense of uncertainty that had kept them apart for so long. They'd made a deep commitment to one another, one that made things clearer in her mind. No turning back. No equivocation. The first few hours of marriage for her had been like walking out of a fog into a pure sense of clarity, the prelude to a new life, and a new perspective as to what that life might be like.

Their time in Wyoming had changed that somewhat rosy view, and she felt the sudden urge to find him, too make sure he was okay. He had survived, but her fairytale vision of married life with him had been shocked back to reality. The world still harbored evil men with deadly plans, and they were not the kind of people to walk away when their family was in danger. She had promised that this "second honeymoon" would be spent in bed, and they had made good on that the first week they'd been here, but they were active people, and she knew it wouldn't last. The sound of the sea waves crashing on the beach at night had finally been the breaking point, and Deeks became antsy. She worried he was rushing things when he insisted he was ready to surf, and they had argued, but only briefly, ending up making love in the pool.

This morning she knew just where to find him. Nibbling on the corner of one of the sweet empanadas the cook had left for them, she wandered past the pool and followed the path to the beach. Tall palms curved out over the sand, cosseting the cove as if protecting its privacy. The early morning sunlight warmed the aquamarine water, and highlighted the crests of the waves, which snapped sharply when they hit the wet sand. They weren't terribly big, easing some of her fears that he might have gotten out on his board before he was ready. As soon as she saw him she knew he was going to be fine.

He took her breath away, his body moving sensuously as he worked a wave. Water glistened on his tanned skin and the wind whipped his hair into a wild tangle. But what she loved the most was the wide smile on his face. He saw her and it distracted him. When he waved he lost his footing. Unable to regain his balance, he wiped out, and she started running toward the water, stopping when he came up with a wide grin on his face. He grabbed his board and easily slid up onto it, letting the remains of the wave carry him to her as she waited on shore. She watched him carefully as he stood up and hefted his board. He was limping, but he was still smiling.

"That was awesome," he said, and then shook his head, sending droplets of water all over her.

"You're like a big golden retriever," she sputtered.

"Seriously?"

"And you're limping," she pointed out.

"You're not going to put a 'cone of shame' on me are you?" He asked.

"Well, you're already on a leash," she said, giggling at her own joke.

"Not bad, Mrs. Bleeks," he laughed as he undid said leash from his ankle.

When he dropped his board he took her arms and began to pull her toward the water. She knew exactly what he was trying to do, and shot him a warning look, which only made him laugh.

"Don't you dare, Deeks."

"Oh, but I do dare, Mrs. Bleeks," He said, rushing her further out, and grinning as the water foamed around their feet and rose up to their thighs.

She tried to resist, but he just laughed and fell into the oncoming wave, taking her with him. Soaking wet, she broke the surface intent on being angry, but when he came up behind her laughing and wrapped his arms around her, she melted into him. His breath was warm as he nuzzled and kissed her neck. The lukewarm water ebbed and flowed around them, her shirt clinging to her body. He slowly undid the tie beneath her breasts and she felt an electric current shoot down her abdomen. She sucked in her breath as each one of his hands cupped a breast, his thumbs moving over her nipples now stiff with excitement. She moaned when his tongue licked her ear, and his hand slid down and untied the string that held her shorts, pushing them off her hips. The water rose up to their waists as his fingers moved inside of her, and his mouth closed over her shoulder. She writhed against him, climaxing under his hand.

"I love you," she whispered, and turned to face him.

His kiss was passionate, almost needy, and she pulled back to look at him, holding his face in her hands. The love in his eyes made her want to cry even though she was smiling.

"You're so beautiful," he said, kissing her again as the water rose around them.

"My shorts are around my ankles," she whispered.

"So?"

"So, there are people coming out on the beach," she said, and quickly tied her shirt together.

He suddenly knelt down as the wave ebbed and pulled her shorts up. She laughed as he tied the string in a bow and bent over to run his tongue up between her breasts.

"Come on, Mrs. Bleeks," He said as he took her hand and led her out of the water. "I have a beach towel just for you."

He had set up under the bending palm trees by the path, everything prepared for her coming. He wrapped her in a huge towel, kissing her when he finished drying her off. She reached out and placed her hand on his chest and shushed him when he started to say something.

"Just let me look at you," she said, brushing a strand of wet hair off his cheek.

She suddenly became serious, and he saw that and took her hand, lifting it up to his lips. His kiss was soft and warm, and her eyes filled with tears.

"We live on the edge, Deeks," she said. "How do we make a life knowing that?"

He turned and pulled her toward the large straw mat he had spread beneath the palms. He dropped down onto his side and pulled her down beside him. A slight breeze ruffled his swiftly drying hair as he tousled it, thinking about how to respond. She ran her hand down his leg, wondering why she had brought the subject up.

"I didn't mean to spoil the mood," she said.

"Come here," he said, pulling her to his chest as he rolled onto his back.

"As beautiful as this place is, it isn't real, is it?" He said. "It's just a brief lull in our crazy existence. What we did in Wyoming…what we do every day…that's our reality, Kens."

"And it's what we love," she replied. "For now, anyway."

"What are you thinking, Kens?"

"I was thinking how hard Elan fought to find a son he had never seen. Soldier has become the most important thing in his life…and it's been beautiful to watch."

"Unplanned though," Deeks said. "He never thought he'd actually find him."

"But when he did, it changed his life," she said. "Soldier has made him a better man."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying…he wasn't afraid to bring Soldier into his life," she replied. "Whatever comes their way, they tackle it together. They're both stronger together…like we are."

"Yeah…we are," Deeks said. "Where is this leading, Kens?"

"I don't want us to live our lives being afraid of anything, Deeks," she said, feeling something give inside of her. "I was afraid to love you for so long, but when I got past that, and admitted my love…it made us stronger…and it made our love a beautiful thing."

"And?"

"And…I don't want fear to keep us from experiencing the joy I felt when I held Di and Joe's new baby."

She felt him tense beneath her, and he suddenly rose up on one elbow and stared at her. His eyes were glazed with tears as he searched her face, and she smiled at him.

"Do you mean what I think you mean?" He asked, his voice low, and hopeful.

"Bringing a child into this world has scared me for a long time," she said. "It's a crazy world filled with some very bad people and an uncertain future. And as much as I love my job, and as much as we love each other, I want us to experience the kind of love only a child can bring into our lives."

"Seriously?"

"I want the full scale, all in, black diamond rated, family experience," she said, smiling broadly. "What do you think, Mr. Bleeks?"

"I think I love you, Mrs. Bleeks."

"You better, because when Baby Bleeks does enter our lives, you'll have to settle for playing second fiddle."

"Ready and able, and more than willing."

…

The End

…

Thanks to all who have read this story. My thanks to all the reviewers and to those guest reviewers I couldn't thank personally. I've enjoyed reading them all. Until next time…Sweet Lu.

…