Chapter 4:

Realisation dawned on him.

Hit him hard.

Things were never been more obvious than that moment.

"Was it what you were trying to do the whole time, Cath? The guilt, you running away, trying to protect... me?"

For some reason, mostly his bruised ego, it never crossed his mind that Catherine stayed away from him for his own sake. She never got past the guilt after Billy died, and no matter what he said, she probably blamed herself for the fact that he was captured by the Talibans – not her. Of all people, Steve understood how guilt worked – it was like a monster, eating you up from inside.

In that moment, just one look into her eyes, their souls finally met.

"Are you sure you want to do this now? I don't think it's a good time. You should get some sleep first", Catherine interrupted him, pulling herself from his warm body, instantly feeling a bit lost at the lack of touch. The last thing she wanted to do was to add another burden on Steve. He had suffered enough in the last two days, she didn't really want them to start this conversation right now.

"Don't avoid me! Cath, look at me! Please!", he tried to convince her, tugged at her chin, half ordered, half begged her to look at him. His heart sank seeing the darkness and self-blame behind her eyes, "I don't want to wait any longer. We always put our job first, we keep postponing what needs to be said, and look where that has led us", his hands slightly squeezed her shoulder, "As long as I'm still Omar's target, there is a good chance that I'll be dead soon – maybe tonight, tomorrow, next week. The point is, I don't want to leave things undone, unsaid. So this is the perfect time to sort things out between us. Cath, talk to me. Please!"

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Whatever you have to say. Why did you stay in Afghanistan? Why did you come back and leave again? Why the CIA? Everything, Cath."

"Does any of that matter now, Steve?"

"The truth is, it doesn't really matter, not anymore", Steve was being honest, seeing the surprise on Catherine's face, he continued, "because I've just realized that no matter what you did, I can't shut off my feelings for you. A part of me died the day you left, I never thought that I would feel that way about a woman, but I did. I tried to move on, I tried to live in denial, I thought that I could live without you, but I was wrong. I turned to someone I didn't recognise, but every single time you reappeared in my life, I knew I could never stop loving you – even though I tried so hard to convince myself that things between us were over. So no, it doesn't matter, but I just want to know. I need to know. Were you trying to protect me?"

"Yes. I was trying to protect you, from me, and from CIA. It was never my choice to join the Agency."

Catherine finally gave in. Steve was right, both of them always put their jobs first, they were trained to think that way half their life. It shattered her to think that, yesterday, she almost lost him forever, but there he was, standing right in front of her. This was probably her last chance to fix what she thought they had lost.

She started pouring her heart out to Steve about all the emotions going through her mind five years ago when she stayed in Afghanistan, "I was stubborn, and stupid enough to let you tag along", she smiled softly, her eyes lighting up thinking about the day Steve showed up at the airport unannounced, even after their argument in his office earlier that day, "It was my plan all along, but you took the fall, you were captured, and I did nothing, Steve, nothing. I just stood there... and watched."

"No, that's not how I see it. You kept 11 kids alive – that was something. You called for help – without you, Joe wouldn't be able to send help in time, I wouldn't be here today. You evaluated the risk, one life vs 11 lives. An ex-Navy SEAL vs 11 kids who couldn't defend themselves. You did what you were trained to do. You continued the mission."

"A personal mission", Catherine uttered in tears, "No one ordered me to take that mission. I left the man I love for someone I barely know."

"Someone who saved your life", Steve reminded her. His eyes brimmed over with tears listening to her side of the story – the story that he insisted he was the only one who suffered the most part.

He was wrong. Big time.

"If I had to choose again, I would do the exact same thing. A million times. But it doesn't mean that I don't loathe myself for it. I failed Billy, and then I failed you. I watched the live stream the Taliban uploaded. Steve, you were almost beheaded", she was doing her best to keep her voice strong. "I was the reason you were there. It should have been me", it was so painful to watch. The image of his bruised face on the small screen haunted her even now, in her nightmares. Her body trembled just thinking back about that day. She moved closer to Steve, trying desperately to seek his closeness, to remind her that it was all in the past, and he's safe now.

"Stop right there, Catherine. No, it was my choice, I volunteered to go on that mission with you. You didn't drag me, you didn't even ask for my help. It was all me."

"It was Joe's choice, and Cole's choice as well, but you couldn't help blaming yourself, could you?", Catherine pointed it out, "Steve, it's always easier said than done. It doesn't make it easier to accept it, right? It's always easier to blame ourselves", Steve realized their stories actually paralleled. He was going through the exact situation. She was right, they could never avoid the guilt.

"So I stayed, mostly because I needed to find Najib. But then when I actually found him, I couldn't go home. I was ashamed of myself, I couldn't face you, couldn't face your friends. I was afraid that you would hate me, Five-0 wouldn't accept me. I felt like I didn't deserve you", Catherine remembered the phone call they had after he woke up and flew back to Hawaii. He was still so battered, but was ready to fly back to fight her battle. She couldn't let him do that, she had to protect him from herself. No matter how much she tried to live in denial, she couldn't convince herself that it wasn't her fault that he was so close to the death.

"I know, Danny wasn't too happy about your decision, but whatever he had said to you, don't listen to him, don't take it to heart. I never judged you, or hated you, or blamed you. I did the same, with Freddie. I left him in North Korea, you know."

Steve realized he and Catherine were so much alike. No wonder Catherine could still easily read his mind, even after five years of being apart.

"Shush, come here", Steve pulled Cath into a tight embrace, feeling her whole body breaking down, trembling. She held onto him just as tight. He locked her in his strong arms, wanting nothing more than to shield her from all the guilt, kissing her forehead, whispering in her ears, "I never got to say this, but thank you, Cath, for trying to protect me, even though your leaving broke my heart."

"Can I say: "You owe me" now?", Catherine let out a small laugh, making Steve laugh. The sound of her laugh, even in the worst situation, managed to lighten up his world.

"So why the CIA?"

"Are you sure you're ready for the whole story? I really don't want to distract you."

"If I die tomorrow..."

"Steve, it really doesn't help when you keep saying that", Catherine snuck into his hug, wishing their bodies could crash into each other, becoming one, right here, right now, and they would never have to be apart.

"But it's the truth", he didn't want to sugarcoat the future, but his lips quietly found hers.

"I joined the CIA to protect you from Edward Cobb", Catherine whispered after pulling back from Steve's lips, looking right into his blue eyes.

It took Steve by complete surprise to hear the answer from Catherine. It took him several seconds to remember who Edward Cobb was. The name sounded familiar.

Catherine filled him in on the whole story, her head resting on his shoulder.

Steve was absolutely speechless after hearing Catherine's story.

"People have different ways to protect people they love. You don't have to like it, but... Not everything is black and white, I guess. Doris, Joe, even your dad, lied to you at some points, but they were all trying to protect you. So was I. I'm sorry that I hurt you, and lied to you, but I was ordered to, and it was never my choice. I didn't see any alternative way to get you out of that mess. You did kill someone very powerful, Steve. You don't just... walk away from something like that!"

"But I thought I was an adult, I deserve to be asked before you decided to take the responsibility to protect me."

"Did you even ask Five-0 before trying to protect them by leaving them behind right now? They won't like it, and they will be angry for a very long time, you are aware of that, right?"

"Good point", Steve realized that once again, their situation mirrored each other.

"Now I really feel like an idiot. Why did you sacrifice so much for me?"

"I love you!"

"Do you mean it?", Steve cast a look down at Catherine, grinning from ear to ear.

"Yes."

"Then say it again. Slowly", the past 48 hours was truly tragic, barely getting any sleep, suffering two knife wounds, losing one brother-in-arms and his second father, but Catherine was truly the light at the end of the tunnel. Having her in his arms, sorting things out with her, solving all misunderstanding between them, understanding her unconditionally love... gave him a hint of hope.

She was the compass of his life. His anchor.

"I love you", Catherine smiled, touching the sides of his face, enunciating each word clearly and slowly, treasuring the moment, "and you are worthy. Don't ever doubt that, Steve."

"Say it again. One more time."

"You are worthy."

"No, the other part."

"I love you, Steve", Catherine said genuinely, the honesty in her eyes and voice, the meaning of those three words made him whole again.

"I love you, too, Catherine. So much."

They lost themselves in each other's eyes. Their lips found each other again. Her sweet lips were the lips that he wanted to kiss for the rest of his life. He would never, ever let her get away again.

"So can you take a nap now? Please?"

"Just two hours", Steve bargained.

"Come here, lie down. How about three hours?", Catherine negotiated. She pulled Steve to lie down, guiding his head to rest on her thighs. Seeing him actually follow her, she bent down to gently kiss him on the cheek.

"Close your eyes. Get some rest now. I already made some calls. We will get to work tomorrow. We will find that bastard, together."

"Okay."

Catherine softly stroked his hair. After a while, she could feel cold tears on her thighs.

"Shush... shush... I know, I know... It's not okay, Steve, but we will sort this out. Joe wouldn't want you to dwell in the guilt. I'm here now, I won't leave your side this time, I promise."

She would protect him at all costs.

But this time, by staying by his side. Fighting next to him. Not by staying far away from him. Fighting for him.

Nothing could get in way of that. She was done with the CIA. She had done enough for them.

"I love you, Catherine Rollins."

"I love you, too, Steve. Now sleep."

Catherine gently wiped the tears from the corner of Steve's eyes, and he finally opened his eyes again, pulling her down, lying next to him, "Can you lie down next to me? Don't stay up. You need some rest, too", he touched the bags under her eyes, kissing them tenderly.

There they were, lying next to each other, quietly listening to each other's breath.

"So were you dating?", Steve broke the silence, "Sorry, last question". Last time they met, when she came back for a mission with CIA, when she joined him in the bush, she casually said she was dating a little bit. Even at that time, he was with Lynn, Steve couldn't deny the hint of jealousy growing inside of him, but tried to push it away. If she was happy, he would try to be happy for her.

"That was the only lie that I voluntarily told you. I didn't want you to feel bad for me, or guilty that you moved on and I didn't, so I lied. To set you free. But there wasn't anyone. I was just working. Constantly working. Not even getting laid, I'm not as lucky as you."

"We will get to that", he put his left arm around her waist, his lips finding hers without opening his eyes.

"Sleep", Catherine ordered him.

"Okay."

"After all, tomorrow will be another day."

"Okay."

"Sleep well."

"And Cath?"

"Yes?"

"I'm so sorry. For everything."

"It's okay."

Thanks for reading! That's it for now! That's how I imagine the conversation would go. My Steve and Cath are probably not how you imagine Steve and Cath, sorry for that :) I guess because it's my story then.

You can read more about Catherine's explanation of why she left in chapter 16 of my other fiction called "Set you free". It could be viewed at

m. fan fic tion s/12222109/16/ (without any blank) - or from my Twitter page!

For now, it's the last day of 2018 in Australia, so HAPPY NEW YEAR! Wish you a wonderful new year coming up!