Note: Another parody coming from yours truly.

Yukino has been pacing around the house all day like a supervisor, walking back and forth with her watermelon sized belly on tow. She's on the third week of her eighth month, and at this point, the much awaited can happen anytime. Excitement and caution is hanging in the air.

It's the middle of the night, and Yukino has been grimacing the whole evening, scrunching her face in an obvious display of discomfort. Even though Yui said it's natural, that the contractions come every twenty minutes, that I don't have to worry so much – I can't still help but fret.

"Try to get some sleep," I tell her, trying my best to hide the shakiness in my voice.

She lies on the bed for a few minutes and then gets up again. At two in the morning she finally goes to sleep. I lie next to her, wakeful, watching her breathe, listening to the little fretful sounds she makes, playing with her hair. I am so worried because I have no idea what might possibly happen. Please, let the baby arrive safely.

Yukino wakes at 3:30. "I want to go to the hospital."

"Maybe we should call a cab," I say. "It's awfully late."

"Hayama-kun said to call no matter what time it was."

"Okay." I dial Hayama and Yumiko. The phone rings sixteen times, and then Hayama picks up, sounding like a man on the bottom of the sea.

"Muh?" says Hayama.

"Hey, buddy. It's time."

He mutters something that sounds like "mustard eggs" then Yumiko sets on the phone and tells me that they are on their way. I hang up and call Yui, and leave a message with her answering service. Yukino is crouched on all fours, rocking back and forth. I get down on the floor with her.

"Yukino?"

She looks up at me, still rocking. "Hachiman... why did we decide to do this again?"

"Supposedly when it's over they hand you a baby and let you keep it."

"Oh, yeah."

Fifteen minutes later we are climbing into Hayama's car. Hayama yawns as he helps me maneuver Yukino into the back seat. "Please, don't let her drench my car in amniotic fluid," he whispers to me. Yumiko hears him, scowls and runs into the house for garbage bags and covers the seats. We hop in and away we go.

Yukino leans against me and clenches my hands in hers. "Don't leave me," she whimpers.

"I won't." I brush the strands of hair sticking on her face.

"It hurts," Yukino says. "Oh, God, it hurts."

"Think of something else. Something nice," I say. We are racing down the deserted streets of Tokyo, headed south. Thank god there's no traffic at all.

"Tell me..."

I cast about and come up with one of my most favourite memories of Yukino. "Remember the day we went to go cafe-hunting in high school, along Iroha and Yui? We pass by the women section, and you were looking miserably on the underwear that ups your chest size?"

Yukino is gripping my hands with bone-shattering strength. "...Uh-huh?"

"Yeah." I scratch the back of my neck. "You were sort of embarrassed but also real sad of yourself..."

"Not helping... ah!— oh, Hachiman, it hurts, it hurts!"

Yumiko turns around and says, "Come on, Yukino, it's just the baby leaning on your spine, you've got to turn, okay?"
Yukino tries to change her position.

"Here we are," Hayama says, turning into the hospital's Emergency Unloading Zone.

"I'm leaking," Yukino says. Hayama stops the car, jumps out, and we gently remove Yukino from the car. She takes two steps and her water breaks.

"Good timing," Hayama says. Yumiko runs ahead with our paperwork, and Hayama and I walk Yukino slowly through ER and down long corridors to the OB wing. She stands leaning against the nurses' station while they nonchalantly prepare a room for her.

"Don't leave me," Yukino whispers.

"I won't" I tell her again. I wish I could be sure about this. I am feeling cold and a little nauseous. Oh god, don't let me pass out. Yukino turns and leans into me. I wrap my arms around her. The baby is a hard roundness between us.

Yukino is panting. A fat blond nurse comes and tells us the room is ready. We all troop in. Yukino immediately gets down on the floor on her hands and knees. Yumiko starts putting things away, clothes in the closet, toiletries in the bathroom. Hayama and I stand watching Yukino helplessly. She is moaning. We look at each other. Hayama shrugs.

Yumiko says, "Hey Yukino, how about a bath? You'll feel better in warm water."

Yukino nods. Yumiko makes a motion with her hands at Hayama that means shoo. Hayama says, "I think I'll go sightseeing for a bit," and leaves.

"Should I stay?" I ask Yukino .

"Yes! Don't go... stay where I can see you."

"Okay." I walk into the bathroom to run the bathwater. Hospital bathrooms creep me out. They always smell like cheap soap and diseased flesh. I turn on the tap, wait for the water to get warm.

"Hachiman! Are you there?" Yukino calls out.

I stick my head back into the room. "I'm here."

"Stay in here," Yukino commands, and Yumiko takes my place in the bathroom.

The door opens and the grinning face of my father in law peeks on the gap. "About time, eh?" He opens the door wide enough for another person to peek in. Komachi comes to view. "Brought her with me. I suppose you might need some... uh, emotional support."

"Cheer up, bro, you're gonna be an official daddy soon!" Komachi comes in, pats my back and goes off to see Yukino. I wish Mom arrives soon. I could really use some of her soothing words right now. I'm close to having a nervous breakdown.

Yukino makes a sound that I have never heard a human being make before, a deep despairing groan of agony. What have I done to her? I think of a seventeen year old Yukino,blushing and staring at a brassiere with faux cup size, not at all worrying about painful deliveries. Oh, Yukino, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

"It'll be okay," Yukipapa puts a hand on my shoulder before heading out. "I've been there, too. It'll be alright."

An older nurse comes in and checks Yukino's cervix. "Good girl," she coos to Yukino . "Six centimeters."

Yukino nods, smiles, and then grimaces. She clutches her belly and doubles over, moaning louder. The nurse and I hold her. Yukino gasps for breath, and then starts to scream. Yui walks in and rushes to her, wearing her surgical clothes.

"Baby baby baby, hush..." The nurse is giving Yui a bunch of information that means nothing to me. Yukino is sobbing. I clear my throat. My voice comes out in a croak.

"How about an epidural?"

"Yukino ?"

Yukino nods. People crowd into the room with tubes and needles and machines. I sit holding Yukino's hand, watching her face. She is lying on her side, whimpering, her face wet with sweat and tears as the anesthesiologist hooks up an IV and inserts a needle into her spine. Yui is examining her, and frowning at the fetal monitor.

"What's wrong?" Yukino asks her. "Something's wrong."

"The heartbeat is very fast. She's scared, your little girl. You have to be calm, Yukinon, so the baby can be calm, yes?"

"But it hurts so much."

"That's because she's so big." Yui's voice is quiet, soothing. The burly walrus-mustachioed anesthesiologist looks at me, bored, over Yukino's body. "But now we are giving you a little cocktail, eh, some narcotics sonic analgesic, soon you will relax, and the baby will relax, yes?" Yukino nods, yes. Yui smiles. "And Hikki, how are you?"

"Not very relaxed." I try to smile. I could use some of whatever it is they are giving my wife. I am experiencing slight double vision; I breathe deeply and it goes away.

"Things are improving, see?" says Yui. "It's like a cloud that passes over, the pain goes away, we take it somewhere and leave it by the side of the road, all by itself, and you and the little one are still here, yes? It's pleasant here, we will take our time, there's no hurry..." The tension has left Yukino's face. Her eyes are fixed on Yui. The machines beep. The room is dim. Outside the sun is rising. Yui is watching the fetal monitor. "Tell her you are fine, and she's fine. Sing her a song, yes?"

"Hey baby, it's okay," Yukino says softly. She looks at me. "Sing her a lullaby."

I blank, and then I remember. I feel self-conscious singing in front of all these people, and so I begin: Chikyū no samayō kodomo—

"Say it in English," Yukino interrupts.

"Okay." I change my position, so that I am sitting by Yukino's belly with my back to Yui and Yumiko and the nurses, I slide my hand under Yukino's button-strained shirt. I can feel the outline of my little girl through Yukino's hot skin.

"Hush, baby, it's okay..." I clear my throat, look at Yukino in the eye the same way I do when we're up at night doing personal errands, and begin:

Wandering child of the earth

Do you know just how much you're worth?

You have walked this path since your birth

You were destined for more

There are those who'll tell you you're wrong

They will try to to silence your song

But right here is where you belong So don't search anymore

You are the dawn of a new day that's waking

A masterpiece still in the making

The blue in an ocean of grey

You are right where you need to be

Poised to inspire and to succeed

You'll look back and you'll realize one day

In your eyes there is doubt

As you try to figure it out

But that's not what life is about

So have faith there's a way

Though the world may try to define you

It can't take the light that's inside you

So don't you dare try to hide

Let your fears fade away

"There," says Yui, clicking off the monitor. "Everyone's serene." She beams at us all, and glides out the door, followed by the nurse. I accidentally catch the eye of the anesthesiologist, whose expression plainly says, What kind of a pussy are you, anyway?

The sun is coming and we transferred into a big room where the whole delivery thing will take place. Yukino is sweating so much and Yumiko dries her with a damp towel. A fuss is happening behind the door and I'll bet my car it's Haruno forcing her way in.

Yukino hears it and grimaces. "...Please, don't let Nee-san come in here. Please..."

"You heard that?" I say to Komachi who's standing by the corner. "Ward off the door. Keep the siscon at bay."

Komachi salutes and heads out. Before she closes the door, I was offered a brief glimpse of Haruno whining "This is so unfair!" while pushing through the nurses.

Suddenly, Yukino screams, and before I knew it, she's thrashing wildly and Yui and her nurses are on the move. "Good, Yukinon. Now push," says Yui, bending forward in front of Yukino's writhing form. Yukino's legs are spread open and Yui is between them.

Yukino's panting and moaning echoes all over the room, and if not for the intense panic I'm having I would've find it arousing. It's a bit frustrating how everyone except myself and Yukino is looking calm. I mean, what the hell?

I slowly count to a thousand quietly to myself in an attempt to calm my nerves. The whole world is blurring and I'm afraid I will pass out any moment. By the time I reach nine hundred ninety eight the room goes quiet. I look around and Yumiko is beaming, Yukino is panting, looking exhausted with her head laid on the bed, and Yui has her back on me, handing a crying tiny little thing to my wife my wife's arms.

My little girl has arrived— and finally, I let myself pass out.

Note: I bet most of you will find Yui being a doctor more surprising than Yukino and Hachiman having a baby (lol).