A/N: Part of a mass migration of fics from my tumblr (I've typed this out so many times I've come to dread it). This was a super fun request to do!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fairy Tail, Hiro Mashima does.

"There's one bed," Natsu says.

"Really?" Lucy squints, leaning in close to the threadbare comforter. "Damn, looks like I need to go to the optometrist again. I swear there were three."

"Okay, you need to dial it back by, like, a thousand degrees here." Natsu shakes his head in mock disgust, turning around to flop back on the bed. Lucy grabs his scarf and, with all the force in her deceptively powerful arms, tugs him back upright. It's only Natsu's hand sliding between the scarf and his neck at the last second that keeps him from choking out.

"Natsu, you haven't showered in three days. Three. I am not about to let your nastiness contaminate this already nasty looking bed," Lucy says as she primly sets her backpack down on the rickety side-table and begins the long process of pulling out her toiletries. Shampoo, conditioner, bath soap, bath lotion, actual lotion, face wash, toner, moisturizer for her face, puffs for the toner, a loofah…he rolls his eyes. She spends all her money on this shit and wonders why she's always scrambling for rent money. Then again, it does make Lucy look all glow-y, and she smells fucking amazing after that lotion so he'll give this bout of stupidity a free pass.

Natsu drops to a crouch by the bed and takes a deep whiff. "I dunno what my sweat and dirt will do to make this any worse, Luce. Barbeque sauce, piss, skid marks, sweat, blood, cheap booze, vomit…eja-"

"Stop." Lucy throws her hands up, nausea clear on her face. "If that's what I think you were about to say, then stop. Ugh. We are never staying in dingy motels ever again. Ever."

"I mean, if we flip the mattress it should be okay. I think."

"I'll call Virgo and ask her to bring an extra blanket so we have a layer between us and…that," Lucy says, waving a hand over the bed. Natsu raises an eyebrow as he stands up, snickering as she shudders at the cracks his knees let out.

"'We'? Damn, here I thought you'd take the floor to avoid the germs," Natsu says.

"Oh, please. You split the bed with me back home anyway, this isn't anything new. Besides," she sniffs. "I'll take the bed germs over foot germs any day. What if someone had athlete's foot and I got that in my eyes or hair or something?"

"Then Wendy would have an absolute riot treating you," Natsu replies. "And I would burn the carpet down. Carpe diem and all that shit."

"That means 'seize the day', Natsu."

"Play stupid games, win stupid prizes?"

"No."

"Veni, vidi, vici."

"'I came, I saw, I conquered'."

"I came to the shitty hotel, I saw that the carpet gave you athlete's foot in your eyeball, so I conquered the carpet by killing it," Natsu declares triumphantly. Lucy's deadpan face cracks a little, and all it takes from his end is a victory pose to have her bent over her bag gasping for air between cackles. His smile broadens as he swipes her towel (he knows she keeps a second in there) and soap (the premium shit) and shuffles off to the bathroom. "I get first dibs!"

"If you use all the hot water, you're sleeping on the floor with the fishes!"

"Oh, please, if I do use it up I'll just heat a bath up for you! Fire mage here!"

"Which is why you shouldn't use the hot water you absolute walnut! Hey, did you take my soap? Natsu!"

He can't wait to see how pissed she's gonna get at night when they're in bed and he starts cracking his knuckles at 3 am.

A/N: SO the 100 year quest sequel amirite.

-Eien