"The fact is the man who'd begotten me didn't want me. In his eyes, I should never have been born. And perhaps that would've been best. As it was, my existence had proven to be nothing more than a nuisance for everyone. I angered my father, brought strife upon my mother, irritated my teachers, and annoyed the other children who were forced to interact with me in school. All by simply being. When you aren't loved, you aren't real. Life is cold, like the stone against my palm."

― Richelle E. Goodrich, Dandelions: The Disappearance of Annabelle Fancher

A young girl had picked up a fallen twig and twirled it in the air, and Severus knew that she was imagining sparks trailing from it. Then she dropped the twig, leaned in towards him, and said, "It is real, isn't it? It's not a joke? Petunia says you're lying te me. Petunia says there isn't a Hogwarts. It is real, isn't it?"

"It's real for us," the young boy said. "Not for her. But we'll get the letter, you and me."

"Really?" whispered Lily.

"Definitely," he said, and even with his poorly cut hair and his odd clothes, he struck an oddly impressive figure sprawled in front of her, brimful of confidence in his destiny.

"And will it really come by owl?" she whispered.

"Normally," he said, "But you're Muggle-born, so someone from the school will have te come and explain to yer parents."

"Does it make a difference, being Muggle-born?"

He hesitated. His black eyes, eager in the greenish gloom, moved over the pale face, the dark red hair.

"No," he said. "It doesn't make any difference."

"Canny Good," said Lily, relaxing: it was clear that she had been worrying.

"You've got loads of magic," he said. "I saw that. All the time I was watching you..." His voice trailed away; she was not listening, but had stretched out on the leafy ground and was looking up at the canopy of leaves overhead. He watched her as greedily as he had watched her in the playground.

"How are things at yer house?" Lily asked. A little crease appeared between his eyes.

"Fine," he said.

"They're not arguing anymore?"

"Oh, yes, they're arguing," he said. He picked up a fistful of leaves and began tearing them apart, apparently unaware of what he was doing. "But it won't be that long and I'll be gone."

"Doesn't yer dad like magic?"

"He doesn't like anything much," Severus admitted.

"Severus?"

A little smile twisted his mouth when she said his name. "Aye?"

He rides to school with the lunch he packed
Nobody knows what he's holdin' back
Wearin' the same robes he wore last year
He hides the bruises with potions and charms

Severus was hurrying along the corridor of the Hogwarts Express as it clattered through the countryside. He had already changed into his school robes, had wasted no time in taking the first opportunity to take off his dreadful Muggle clothes. At last, he stopped, outside a compartment in which a group of rowdy boys were talking. Hunched in a corner seat beside the window was Lily, her face pressed against the windowpane.

He slid open the compartment door and sat down opposite Lily. She glanced at him and then looked back out of the window. She had been crying.

"I don't want te talk te you," she said in a constricted voice.

"Why not?"

"Tuney h-hates me. Because we saw that letter from Dumbledore."

"So what?"

She threw him a look of deep dislike.

"So - she's me sister!"

"She's only a—" He caught himself quickly; Lily, too busy trying to wipe her eyes without being noticed, did not hear him.

"But we're going!" he said, unable to suppress the exhilaration in his voice. "This is it! We're off te Hogwarts!"

She nodded, mopping her eyes, but in spite of herself, she half smiled.

"You'd better be in Slytherin," said Severus, encouraged that she had brightened a little.

"Slytherin?"

One of the boys sharing the compartment, who had shown no interest at all in Lily or Severus until that point, looked around at the word. He was slight, and black-haired, not unlike Severus, but with that indefinable air of having been well-cared-for, even adored, that Severus so conspicuously lacked, despite his best attempts to conceal the fact.

"Who would want to be in Slytherin? I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?" the boy asked the lad lounging on the seats opposite him. The second boy did not smile.

"My whole family have been in Slytherin," the second boy, Sirius Black, said.

"Blimey," the first boy said, "and I thought you seemed all right!"

Sirius Black grinned.

"Maybe I'll break the tradition. Where are you heading, if you've got the choice?"

James Potter, the first boy, lifted an invisible sword. "'Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart!' Like my dad."

Severus made a small, disparaging noise. James Potter turned on him.

"Got a problem with that?"

"No," said Severus, though his slight sneer said otherwise. "If you'd rather be brawny than brainy—"

"Where're you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?" interjected Black.

Potter roared with laughter. Lily sat up, rather flushed, and looked from Potter to Black in dislike.

"Come on, Severus, let's find another compartment."

"Oooooo…"

Potter and Black imitated her lofty voice; Potter tried to trip Severus as he passed.

"See ya, Snivellus!" a voice called, as the compartment door slammed.

The teachers wonder but they never ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask

During meals in the Great Hall, he could feel the teachers watching him. But Severus avoided eye contact with everyone as much as he could.

His thoughts turned to last week's potions lesson: Severus had dropped his textbook on the floor, and in his hurry to pick it up, his sleeve had hung on the table and was pulled up to his elbow, clearly exposing the bruises present on his arm. He had panicked and struggled to pull his sleeve down.

But when Severus looked up, he saw Professor Slughorn looking at his arm suspiciously. His eyes had moved to Severus' face, who was still looking at him anxiously.

The Potions Master had continued to study Severus for the rest of the class, but he had never made a move to question him about his bruises. Severus had kept a neutral face until he was out of sight of his teacher, and had done everything to avoid him for the rest of the day.

If only that worked as well on everyone else; especially with the Marauders...

Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes he wishes he was never born

"Oi, Snivellus!" James Potter shouted as he crossed the yard with Sirius Black and headed for Severus, who was lying quietly under a tree.

"Damn; bloody well brilliant! Severus gritted to himself. The Marauders insisted on turning Hogwarts into the same sort of hell as back home. He couldn't even escape it here.

James Potter sent a well-aimed hex his way, scattering all Severus' books and wand, leaving him virtually helpless. Then Black levitated him over a deeper section of the lake and dropped him sharply into it.

Severus came out of it, choking and vomiting, while all around him people were laughing and pointing at him.

Potter was about to do the same when Lily ran to his side and hit him and Black square in the face.

"Are you alright, Sev?" she asked, concern in her voice, as she put her hand on his shoulder.

"I'm fine!" his exclaimed, disengaging himself from his hands and running towards the castle, grabbing the few possessions that he had managed to recover. He passed Professor Dumbledore who was on his way over, silent tears running down his cheek.

Through the wind and the rain

He stands hard as a stone

In a world that he can't rise above

"…thought we were supposed to be friends?" Severus said. "Best friends?"

"We are, Sev, but I don't like some of the people you're hanging around with!" Lily replied. "I'm sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber! Mulciber! What do you see in him, Sev, he's creepy! D'you know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald the other day?"

Lily had reached a pillar and leaned against it, looking up into his thin, sallow face.

"That was nothing," he said. "It was a laugh, that's all—"

"It was Dark Magic, and if you think that's funny—"

"What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?" he demanded. His colour rose again as he said it, unable, it seemed, to hold in his resentment.

"What's Potter got to do with anything?" said Lily.

"They sneak out at night. There's something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?"

"He's ill," said Lily. "They say he's ill—"

"Every month at the full moon?" he accused.

"I know your theory," said Lily, and she sounded cold. "Why are you so obsessed with them anyway? Why do you care what they're doing at night?"

"I'm just trying to show you they're not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are."

The intensity of his gaze made her blush.

"They don't use Dark Magic, though." She dropped her voice. "And you're being really ungrateful. I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow, and James Potter saved you from whatever's down there—"

His whole face contorted and he spluttered, "Saved? Saved? You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends' too! You're not going to—I won't let you—"

"Let me? Let me?"

Lily's bright green eyes were slits. He backtracked at once.

"I didn't mean—I just don't want to see you made a fool of—He fancies you, James Potter fancies you!" The words felt wrenched from him against his will. "And he's not… everyone thinks… big Quidditch hero—" His bitterness and dislike were rendering him incoherent, and Lily's eyebrows were travelling farther and farther up her forehead.

"I know James Potter's an arrogant toerag," she said, cutting across him. "I don't need you to tell me that. But Mulciber's and Avery's idea of humour is just evil. Evil, Sev. I don't understand how you can be friends with them."

Severus didn't pay particular attention to her strictures on Mulciber and Avery. The moment Lily had insulted James Potter, his whole body had relaxed, and as they walked away there was a new spring in his step…

But his dreams give him wings

Soon everyone was getting ready to take the train back home. Severus felt totally miserable, which did not go unnoticed by Lily and most everyone else. Severus was in a particularly bad mood; well, worse than usual.

However, his face never wavered from his natural stoic expression. His face did not reflect any emotions. He stayed that way the whole train ride home until he looked back sadly before he closed the car door behind him.

And he flies to a place where he's loved

"Will I see you at King's Cross tomorrow, Sev? Lily asked. "I probably have to go home. Severus winced slightly as she took him in his arms. He quickly tried to cover it up. She couldn't know.

"Of course. Good night, Lils!" Severus said, as they made their way out of the park they frequented so often. He had unconsciously pulled on his protruding sleeves to make sure his cuts and bruises were hidden. With one last smile, Lily turned and headed for her home. Severus got up and his gaze followed her for a long time, even after she had disappeared; Then slowly, he went to his home, if one could even call it that.

As he approached the front door, he heard a burst of glass. They were fighting again.

Maybe he could get to his room without his parents noticing. With his hand on the hilt, he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, ran through the house, and went up the stairs.

He had almost made it; three steps and he would finally be in his room. Reasonably safe. Two more, and he was free. One more, and he did it. He was safe. Suddenly a hand clasped in the back of his shirt threw him against the wall next to the stairs he had just passed. He had just missed his chance, and he would pay dearly before the night was through.

Concrete angel

Severus picked up his bag, sticking his quill into it, and swinging it onto his shoulder. Making his way through the tables, towards the doors to the Entrance Hall, he picked up the examination paper and began to look it over. He immediately dismissed question one, it had been easy…

A gang of chattering girls separated him from Potter, Black and Lupin, not that Severus noticed. The group of Marauders were happily chatting away, discussing the exam.

"Did you like question ten, Moony?" asked Black as they emerged into the Entrance Hall.

"Loved it," said Lupin briskly. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question."

"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" said Potter in tones of mock concern.

"Think I did," said Lupin seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: he's sitting on my chair. Two: he's wearing my clothes. Three: his name's Remus Lupin."

Wormtail was the only one who didn't laugh.

"I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes and the tufted tail," he said anxiously, "but I couldn't think what else—"

"How thick are you, Wormtail?" said Potter impatiently. "Your best friend is one!"

Severus remained close by, still buried in his exam questions. Unbeknownst to him, when Potter and his three friends strode off down the lawn towards the lake, Severus unwittingly followed, still poring over the exam paper and apparently with no fixed idea of where he was going. Question nine had been somewhat difficult…

Moving to towards the edge of the lake, he settled himself on the grass in the dense shadow of a clump of bushes, where he would be less likely to be noticed, and where he could go over the exam paper in peace. It didn't take that much longer; most of the questions he had had no problem with…

While he was as deeply immersed in the O.W.L paper as ever, the Marauders were gathered under a nearby tree. The sunlight was dazzling on the smooth surface of the lake, on the bank of which the group of laughing girls who had just left the Great Hall were sitting, with their shoes and socks off, cooling their feet in the water.

He got up, stowing the O.W.L. paper in his bag, thinking vaguely that he might go up to the library and work on Transfiguration. He set off back up towards the castle.

As he left the shadows of the bushes and set off across the grass, just out of sight, Potter and Black stood up.

"All right, Snivellus?" asked a loud, arrogant voice.

Severus whipped around, dropping his bag and plunging his hand into the pocket of his robes for his wand. Potter was always hexing him, and he was going to hex him into an oblivious jelly. It was halfway into the air when Potter shouted, "Expelliarmus!"

His wand shot out of his hand, landing with a little thud in the grass behind him. Black let out a bark of laughter.

Burning with anger, Severus dove his wand.

"Impedimenta!" Black said, knocking Severus off his feet.

Students all around had turned to watch. Some of them had got to their feet and were edging nearer. Some looked apprehensive, others entertained.

He lay panting on the ground. Potter and Black advanced on him, wands raised, Potter glancing over his shoulder at the girls at the water's edge as he went. Wormtail was on his feet now, watching hungrily, edging around Lupin to get a clearer view.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" Potter asked.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," said Black viciously. "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."

Several people watching laughed; unsurprising, as he wasn't exactly popular. Wormtail sniggered shrilly. He was trying to get up, but the jinx was still operating on him; he was struggling, as though bound by invisible ropes.

"You-wait," he panted, staring up at Potter with an expression of purest loathing, "you- wait!"

"Wait for what?" said Black coolly. "What're you going to do Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"

Now he was really brassed off. He let loose a stream of mixed swear words and hexes, but nothing happened. His wand lay ten feet away, totally useless.

"Wash out your mouth," said Potter coldly. "Scourgify!"

Soapsuds formed in the back of his mouth. They overflowed within seconds, leaving him unable to breathe, with the pink soap bubbled streaming for his mouth. He began to gag.

"Leave him ALONE!"

Severus looked up from where I was kneeling. One of the girls who had been cooling her feet in the water of the lake was striding up to Potter and Black, looking furious. It was Lily.

Just great he didn't want her coming to his rescue like some damsel in distress.

"All right, Evans?" Potter asked; his tone of voice suddenly deeper, pleasanter, and more mature; the filthy, puffed-up show-off.

"Leave him alone," Lily repeated. She was looking at James Potter with every sign of great dislike. "What's he done to you?"

"Well," said Potter, appearing to deliberate the point, "it's more the fact that he exists if you know what I mean…"

Many of the surrounding students laughed, Black and Wormtail included, but Lupin, still apparently intent on his book, didn't, and nor did Lily. She looked furious.

"You think you're funny," she said coldly. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone."

"I will if you go out with me, Evans," said Potter quickly. "Go on ... go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

Behind Potter, the Impediment Jinx was wearing off. He was beginning to inch towards his fallen wand, spitting out soapsuds as he crawled.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," said Lily.

"Bad luck, Prongs," said Black briskly, and turned back to Severus. "OI!"

But too late; Severus had directed his wand straight at James; there was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of Potter's face, spattering his robes with blood. Potter whirled about: a second flash of light later, Severus was hanging upside-down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of greying underpants.

Many people in the small crowd cheered; Black, Potter and Wormtail roared with laughter.

Lily, whose furious expression had twitched for an instant as though she was going to smile, said, "Let him down!"

"Certainly," said Potter and he jerked his wand upwards; Severus fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself from his robes he got quickly to his feet, wand up, but Black said, "Petrificus Totalus!" causing him to keel over again, rigid as a board.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now. Potter and Black both eyed it warily.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," said Potter earnestly.

"Take the curse off him, then!"

Potter sighed deeply, then turned to Severus and muttered the counter-curse.

"There you go," his tormentor said, as he struggled to his feet. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-"

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

Lily blinked.

"Fine," she said coolly. "I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."

"Apologise to Evans!" Potter roared at Severus, his wand pointed threateningly at him.

"I don't want you to make him apologise," Lily shouted, rounding on Potter. "You're as bad as he is."

"What?" Potter yelled. "I'd NEVER call you a-you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can-I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK."

She turned on her heel and hurried away.

"Evans!" Potter shouted after her. "OI, EVANS!'

But she didn't look back.

"What is it with her?" Potter said, trying and failing to look as though this was a throwaway question of no real importance to him.

"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate," came Black's reply.

"Right," said Potter, who looked furious now, "right-"

There was another flash of light, and Severus was once again hanging upside-down in the air.

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"

Somebody cries in the middle of the night

The neighbours hear, but they turn out the light

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not interested."

"I'm sorry!"

"Save your breath."

It was nighttime. Lily, who was wearing a dressing gown, stood with her arms folded in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady, at the entrance to Gryffindor Tower.

"I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."

"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just—"

"Slipped out?" There was no pity in Lily's voice. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends—you see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"

He opened his mouth but closed it without speaking.

"I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

"No—listen, I didn't mean—"

"—to call me Mudblood? But you call everybody of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

He struggled on the verge of speech, but with a contemptuous look she turned and climbed back through the portrait hole…

He didn't bother to hold back the tears threatening to fall as he made his way back down to the Slytherin dungeons.

A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate

When mornin' comes it'll be too late

He was tired. Tired of everything.

He was so sick and tired of being scared, having to act like he was fine all the time.

He just wanted to forget.

Calmly, as if he had finally been clear for months, he took a small bottle out of his pocket. He glanced at the red liquid. Hat. Without thinking, he put the vial on his lips and aim.

He immediately felt the effects of it. His heart slackened and he suppressed a shudder.

He was so cold. Weak.

Even though he wanted to ask for help, he could not.

It was now difficult to breathe.

Severus closed his eyes with a sigh of relief.

That's how they found Severus in the morning. Taurin Mulciber slept a mere two beds away from Severus, and as it happened he had woken up early. The boy had more than a little endulged himself with his mates before bed and was now paying the price.

He had woken to absolute calm, as to be expected during the early hour. However, he hadn't even finished himself out of bed before something caught his eye. Truth be told, he did not know what had drawn his attention towards the direction of the window. But he had taken a quick gander, nonetheless.

All that Taurin could remember was the sense of absolute horror. He'd screamed. He had woken up all the boys in the dormitory and the fifth-year girls who were sleeping just one dormitory over while shaking the dark haired boy's body. He did not notice the tears that were falling as he shouted for someone, anyone, to come and help him. He would never forget the sight of Severus' almost angelic, pale face his eyes closed with a rare soft smile clear as day.

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel boy with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Several days later, the Evans family, along with several students and staff members, stood in the cemetery and looked at the little stone that marked the boy's grave - no, the young man. Had he never really been a mere boy?

Tears were falling down Lily's eyes.

"Why didn't I ask him?" She whispered to herself. "Why did I assume everything was fine?"

These questions remained unanswered, and she bent down, placing a bouquet of oxlip on the little grave. Few people would understand the meaning, but he would understand it.

"I'm so sorry, Sev!" she sobbed. " I am so, so, sorry!"

Through the wind and the rain
He stands hard as a stone
In a world that he can't rise above
But his dreams give him wings
And he flies to a place where he's loved
Concrete angel

"Don't turn your face away.
Once you've seen, you can no longer act like you don't know.
Open your eyes to the truth. It's all around you.
Don't deny what the eyes to your soul have revealed to you.
Now that you know, you cannot feign ignorance.
Now that you're aware of the problem, you cannot pretend you don't care.
To be concerned is to be human.
To act is to care."

― Vashti Quiroz-Vega