Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter nor Twilight.

Chapter 12:

As a rule Kingsley was not prone to panic, in fact he, despite previously being an auror, tended to a more calm and relaxed persona. However, that was not true today and in fact the Minister for Magic for Britain found himself rubbing his hands over his bald head as he considered his somewhat ill-thought through decision to allow Harriet Potter to show the Volturi around the magical community of Britain. There was only two potential outcomes: disaster or utter and complete disaster. Oh well, Kingsley thought, at least the vampires seem at least partially rational...

Whilst her boss was having a minor breakdown and considering how best to compose his resignation letter, Harriet Potter was in fine form. After nearly six months living it up in Italy she was finally allowed back to Britain. Ah, Britain, the place where Firewhiskey flowed like water and there was a multitude of people to annoy. And what was even better was that she was returning with three vampire kings and three vampire guards, fun times... It also allowed Harriet to give her patented tour of the magical world, allowing them access and an insight into little known places and knowledge.

Pushing open the Ministry car door, Harriet clambered out grabbing the hand of her mate so she could pull him out with her.

"Come on Caius! Places to see, people to go...Wait! I said that wrong, reverse it..., places to go, people to see! Come on!" With that the Girl-Who-Lived skipped into the Leaky Cauldron.

"I am back bitches!" Harriet announced to the pub population as she threw open the door, some of whom raised their glasses to her in mock cheer.

"Thank you...thank you. It is wonderful to be back among you, no autographs...please...thank you..." Harriet continued as she strolled through the crowded pup. It was good to be back, the hag was in the corner, the vampire was sitting under the stairs, Drunk Dougie was in his normal state learning up against the bar. Twirling between the tables, Harriet led her party out to the back and the confined concealed alley. Pulling out her wand Harriet tapped her lip with it, was it three up and three across...two up and two across...two up and three across...three up and two across? That sounded about right actually, tapping the brick, Harriet was quite proud to see she had got it right, last time she had come here she had been a tinsy-whinsy little bit drunk and tried to tap every single stone until it opened.

"Welcome to Diagon Alley..." Harriet said with a mock bow over her hand as she gestured towards the wizarding space appearing beyond the arch.

The majesty of the moment was broken by Felix, "Diagon Alley? Do you also have 'Vertic Alley?'"

Alec was keen to join in, "Pathetic Alley?"

"Medic Alley? The street with the doctors." Heidi added, getting into the swing of their discussion.

This wasn't fair though Harriet mused. It was supposed to be her tour and now they were taking all her best punchlines, she sniffed unimpressed before prancing down the street towards Gringotts. "Come on, this conversation can be continued later, we however have business with goblins."

Caius was quick to follow, keen to avoid his mate getting separated in the early morning shoppers wandering around the street, "I am sorry. Goblins?"

"Of course, I told you about the goblins didn't I?"

"Well, Severus did. Are you able to see them? Surely they hate you for robbing them?"

"Marcus dear," Harriet sighed, "I think that you forget that no-one hates me."

"Voldemort would say otherwise." Caius said

Harriet considered this, "I think Voldemort loved me and was deeply attracted to me but was unaware how to show it. It's a shame he was rather a hottie when he was younger." The Woman-who-won sighed, he really was rather charming then, she was certain that they would have got on like a house on fire back then. C'est la vie... she mused before being distracted by a growling beside her from her mate as he pulled her against his distinctly firm chest.

"Mine!"

"Yes...yes" Harriet said with a placating voice as she extracted herself from her mate's arms, "Yours. Now come on, if we have time before we meet Sevvy I want to go into Gred and Forge's shop." So saying she skipped off down the street followed like little ducklings, by a small group of vampires.

Entering the double doors of the bank, still as ever flanked by the guards who looked carefully at the group, covered under their long Guard member cloaks which looked in no way out of place among the hustle and bustle of Diagon Alley.

"Warrior Potter? Finally deigned to grace us with your presence?" A wrinkled goblin asked from his place at the top counter, a tone of cynical amusement present in his greeting.

"Hello Fangsmith! How are you this fine morn?"

She received a withering glare in return, "I would be better I knew exactly why you were here and whether you were going to break in or out of our bank again."

Harriet smirked internally, first time she had a dragon, second time she had Gary the Puffskein, third time would be a charm with the Dracula wannabes as her sidekicks. "I don't know, would you like me to test your defenses again?"

If goblins would lower themselves to roll their eyes then the vampires were sure that this one would have as he looked down at the small figure of Harriet who almost appeared to be bouncing on the balls of her feet.

"Not particularly. Why are you here? Other than to irritate us all of course."

"I need to visit my vault pretty please with a galleon on top."

"Fine. Goldclaw? Take Miss Potter and her...companions down to the main Potter vault, number 241."

A minute later found Harriet sitting shotgun beside the goblin with the six vampires sitting in the back of the extended cart.

"Please keep your limbs inside the cart at all times." The goblin muttered, well aware that with Harriet this was unlikely to happen.

"Top speed please!" Harriet asked with a winning smile.

"One speed only." Came the reply.

"That is a myth, there is fast and faster so lets go with the latter please. Vampires! Hang on tight for the ride of your life."

With that the cart started getting faster and faster until it was fairly careering down the tracks, more often than not only on one side of wheels.

"Well that was fun. Hold the cab!" Harriet said as she pulled herself from the cart and skipped towards the vault door followed by the vampires (although Felix had to pull Aro back from accidentally falling off the edge of the platform when he meandered precariously close as he recovered from the wild ride). A key in the lock and a drop of the blood of the Potters' on the handle and the large doors swung open with nary a sound.

"Well Caius, you may be a king but I am definitely not a gold digger." Harriet said as she skipped in and almost tripped over a solid gold sculpture of a honey badger. The vampires stepped in a few steps and looked about them in awe, for the space which was over thrice the size of their throne room was packed with gold, silver, bronze, armour, sculptures, furniture and books stacked precariously in places.

"I can see that." Caius asked as he picked up a galleon which he examined carefully, "How much is this worth?"

"A galleon is about five pounds, although you can't trade them in as gold in the muggle world, there are enchantments to stop that. But don't worry, I have some other vaults so we won't run out for a long time."

"Ahh...good to know"

"You know Caius?" Harriet said as she stood near her mate watching as the rest of the vampires examined the contents of the vault, "This is one of my fantasies."

"Fantasies?"

"Mmmm" Harriet said, stooping down to pick up a handful of galleons, "You know, places you just want to do it in."

Caius chocked, "Do it?"

"Yes, be fucked, done, made love etc. Don't you have anywhere you want to do it in? Your throne for instance?"

There was a sound of coughing from the other guards and Aro looked intently at a solid gold set of goblin armour, ignoring the grins from the others of his species.

"Yes Aro." Marcus asked, "Was that not one of your fantasies? Until we accidentally walked in on it of course?"

"Miss Granger?" Caius asked three hours later, watching Harriet wrestling some sort of giant squid in the shallows of the lake.

"Yes?"

"Has Harriet always been like this? I struggle to see how the school survived if she was like this for six years as a student here."

Hermione chuckled, "The school didn't... At any rate she wasn't always this crazy, or at least not in front of everyone. I think it really started to show in the fourth year...I think that assassination attempts for four years in a row made her realise that life was too short. That was when she wrote her bucket list, the first few entries were relatively normal...losing her virginity; see Land's End and John O'Groats; get drunk; go to Venice and Paris. Soon they escalated though, she wanted to see every episode of Jeremy Kyle; destroy Walburga Black's portrait... Then Sirius and Albus died, they were the biggest influence in her life and then they were gone so she decided to live a life that they would be proud off. 'Bad-ass' was the only word that could be used to describe her...she had done so much for the wizarding world that her quirks can be forgiven. The magical world wants people for the history books and Harriet fills that void rather well, whilst Dumbledore was like this new Merlin, Harriet is this new Morgana of sorts...well except perhaps the constant attempts to kill everyone, history likes interesting people and whether Harriet wants it or not she will go down in history for being a person who was almost too interesting for us all. Caius...you are immortal, surely that gets dull? I would wager Harriet was the most interesting thing to happen in your life (even before you worked out she was your mate) for a long time, eternity won't be boring at least."

Caius folded his arms, watching as Harriet started playing fetch with the squid, "I suppose that is true. My wife..."

Hermione looked at him like he was mad, "Your wife?"

"Yes, we married for companionship a couple thousand years ago, her name is Athenodora."

"And you are still married to her?"

Caius froze for a second, realising his mistake, "Ahh... that is a little difficult."

The witch snorted, "I would imagine so...get a divorce, I imagine then she might actually sleep with you."

The king chocked slightly, "How do you know about that?"

Trilling a laugh Hermione answered, "She has been my best friend for years, I had to explain to her what a period was as her aunt had failed to, do you think that she wouldn't tell me about her sex life...or lack of?"

"...no?" Caius replied, slightly worried now that his personal life would suddenly be not so personal anymore.

Hermione, intuitive as ever realised his fear, "Don't worry, it isn't as though I will spread around your kinks or size. Although divorce your wife and ensure she isn't around for Harriet to see...otherwise she may well do something silly."

Caius decided that that was a perfectly sound piece of advice and resolved that if he wanted to get some this side of eternity then he had better start playing nice to his mate...by divorcing his wife.

"PEEVES! I missed you, old buddy, old pal..."

"Miss Potter, it is an honour to see you again."

"YOU!" Came a cry through the square interrupting the emotional reunion between the poltergeist and the daughter of the Marauders.

"Minnie!" Harriet replied spreading her arms wide as her old professor stormed across the cobbles towards her, "How are you?"

"How...? How am I? Feeling the increasing need to give you detention young woman."

"Whatever for? What could I have done to deserve such a punishment. I haven't snuck out to illegally transfer dragons, challenged people to honour duels, answered back to Severus, filled your classroom with catnip..."

Here Harriet was interrupted by the irate Scots woman, "Instead you have let everyone else do it for you. When I asked a second year to turn out his pocket I received a piece of parchment. Would you happen to know what was written on it?"

"I am presuming not potions notes nor love notes..."

"I read from a list entitled, 'Harriet Potter's list of things to do before leaving Hogwarts'. The introduction reads: 'So little munchkins you find yourself at school that calls itself one of the most prestigious institutions in the magical world. I, Harriet Potter, can inform you that is all utter bull and have therefore decided that you all must try to improve the conditions of the school by performing each of these tasks at least once before you leave.' I take it you recognise these words?"

Harriet looked thoughtful for a moment, "Maybe, read a little further..." she said flicking her fingers slightly at the parchment for her to continue.

The death glare she received made Harriet consider whether she would be better if she hid behind Caius, or maybe Felix as he was fatter, dear Minerva however was keen to continue.

"'In no particular order. Number 1: At some point you should challenge Sir Calegon to a duel. Number 2: Both the Hufflepuff and the Slytherin common rooms are in the dungeons whilst the Ravenclaw and Gryffindor are both in towers...find the common room of another house, either by subterfuge or by encouraging someone to show you. Number 3: Girls can enter the boys dorms but boys cannot enter the girls...this is sexist, boys, find a way to enter the girls dorms, apparently if you dress up in a dress and make up you can. Number 4: The Chamber of Secrets is in a bathroom...find it, I have left a prize in it for whoever can find it and enter it first.' I shall skip a few as there are three hundred and twenty nine entries on this list. 'Number 42: Challenge Peeves to a prank war. Number 76: Minnie McGonagall loves catnip, hide some in your bag before you go to her class, guaranteed 'O's. Number 102: The Whomping Willow has an off switch...find it. Number 134: The house elves are always keen to hear what students want to eat, find the kitchens and ask them for chocolate for every meal for a week and they shall provide.'"

Harriet tried to interrupted but her old professor just raised her voice and continued reading, "'Number 194: There are over two hundred secret passages and places in Hogwarts, try to find as many as you can. Number 213: If there is a teacher you don't like then do something about it, the definition of revolt is 'take violent action against an established government or ruler; rebel', take heed. Number 299: The pet rules are more guidelines, feel free to bring in a pet nundu if you feel like it. Number 320: See number 299, Hogsmead rules are, again, only guidelines. Number 321: Any WWW products are fair game to be used at school, ignore any list of banned objects...except bad banned objects, like horcruxes...or blood quills...or cursed necklaces...or poisoned wine."

"You have no proof I wrote that, for all you know it could be Dennis Creevey using my name in vain again..." Harriet pointed out once it was clear Minnie had finished.

She received a raised eyebrow in return, "Of course, that would explain the last sentences. 'And so dear ones, I, Harriet Potter, The-Girl-Who-Lived (to-be-awesome) challenge you to do worse than what I did at Hogwarts. And so as my last action at the school I ordered the house elves to place a copy of this list upon every first years bed upon their arrival. Enjoy the school that produced the likes of Voldemort, Bellatrix Lestrange and Dolores Umbridge... Actually they aren't very good role models... therefore enjoy the school that produced me!' Does that sound like Creevey?"

Harriet scratched her head slightly, "Nope, I got nothing. Sorry Minnie, I just thought everyone needed some inspiration for greatness."

McGonagall looked like she may cry or scream at Harriet "Greatness? In the past term we have had fourteen people in the hospital wing for trying to 'freeze' the Whomping Willow... Five first year in the hospital wing for sneaking into Hogsmead and getting drunk on butterbeer... Two teachers run off the grounds by a group of students..."

"None of that was my fault..." Harriet pointed out, keen to convey her innocence.

"YOU WROTE THE DAMN LIST!"

"I will have you know that I wrote a footnote..."

"...Where?"

"On the back, at the bottom..."

McGonagall turned over the parchment to see a tiny footnote on the back which she read out loud, "Disclaimer- I, Harriet Potter, take no blame for any injuries, punishments, riots, friendship fall-outs, etc. accrued as a result of actions taken as a result of reading or performing deeds associated with this list." The old professor looked up to see Harriet nodding sagely.

"See, not my fault, I wrote a disclaimer...", even Harriet would admit that smug was the only term suitable for the manner in which she had just said that, even Malfoy would be impressed and sure to tell his father about it.

"Harriet Potter?" McGonagall stated as calmly as she possibly could, pinching the bridge of her nose, "You will march into that school right now and rescind your order to the house elves to leave this list on the beds of any student. Do you understand?"

Hearing the tirade said in an increasingly Scottish brogue, Harriet decided that it may be best to make a tactical decision to go and see some house elves, she refused to call it retreat or surrender as that would be wrong, she never surrendered nor retreated, just reconsidered the value of previous decisions. At any rate, McGonagall had made no mention of destroying the ones that were spread throughout the school already.

Harriet perked up though, "Can I go see Albus?"

McGonagall groaned, "I suppose so...but I believe I will come to regret it, you two seem to bring out the unmanageable side of each other, even accounting for the fact that he is only a portrait that man can still do some damage. The password is Tartan. And don't worry, that password will change as soon as you leave so there is no point telling everyone what it is...again." With that the ferocious woman turned back into the castle likely, Harriet mused, to find some of that delicious whiskey that she kept in the top left draw of her desk behind the false back.

Sorry this is so short (and late), tell me what you think, the next chapter should be Harriet and Caius off to meet the Cullens'.