Chapter 1

Jon I

Jon strode purposefully through the courtyard at Castle Black and felt 100 pairs of eyes boring into the back of his head. He would not look back. It was done, it was over, he was no longer the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch. He felt free for a moment, but by the time he had reached his room the crashing realisation that he had no idea what he was doing had landed. He quickly locked the door behind him and stood still, in the middle of his room, staring at the fire. It felt strange being there, not just in the room but being there at all. In his entire life he had never felt this confused, this lost. It suddenly dawned on him it was not even his room anymore, it now belonged to the new Lord Commander. Jon opened the small trunk at the foot of his bed and began to pack his meagre belongings telling himself that he was doing so because of his practical nature and not because of the desperate need to distract himself from his increasingly alarming train of thought. There was a sharp double knock at the door.

"Jon? It's Ser Davos. May I come in?"

The voice was firm but polite and Jon found himself opening the door despite not meaning to. He stared blankly at Ser Davos. His brain couldn't think of anything to say let alone connect it to his mouth, so the man walked in and Jon locked the door behind him.

"I can imagine how you must feel son."

"I just hanged a child" Jon said numbly.

"I know, but he didn't give you a choice, none of them did, you had to do it and now it's done and you have to let it go".

"Why are you here?" Jon asked, changing the subject.

"Here at Castle Black or here in this room with you?"

"Both"

"His Grace, King Stannis ordered me to return to Castle Black and ask you again for support. When I found out he'd died I stayed because I hoped to be of some use to you. I understood what you were trying to do, you made peace with the wildlings because of the threat from the dead and you were right to. I also stayed because everything I had dedicated my life to and believed in had turned to ashes, and that's why I'm here in this room with you now, because the same thing just happened to you and I know how it feels."

Jon could do little other than stand there, his emotions fluctuating between white hot rage and hollow nothingness. None of this was directed at or because of Ser Davos, he just felt, well, incensed and devastated by the betrayal of his men, and of Olly most of all. He knew the look on Olly's face in the gallows, the hatred, would haunt him for the rest of his days. Bringing Longclaw down on that rope was just about the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. For a moment, he hadn't been sure he could do it, then, he hadn't been sure that he wanted to do it but Ser Davos was right, they hadn't really left him with any real choice.

"Have you eaten son?"

"What?" Jon responded shaking his head to break his reverie and somewhat confused by the question.

"When did you last eat?" Ser Davos said slowly as if talking to a halfwit. "You have wounds all over your body, you're in pain, you're weak and you're in shock. My guess is you haven't eaten for a while so I suggest you sit down by the fire whilst I go and get us some warm food and something to drink."

Ser Davos stood there waiting for Jon to respond and again, Jon found himself doing what was asked without intending to.

"I'm angry" Jon said as the old knight was walking out the door. Ser Davos stopped and turned.

"Of course you are son" he said and shut the door behind him.

Jon's eyes suddenly felt hot and his vision went blurry, all he could think about was his father. The blurring got worse rapidly, he could barely see the fire now and fear started crawling all over him. Was this a side effect of his death? It took a few more moments for Jon to realise what was happening. He was crying. Tears were pouring down his cheeks and he was shocked to find his head was in his hands only moments later. He was shaking because he was crying so hard and his ragged breaths were hurting the wounds in his chest, the holes, and that thought made him cry harder so it hurt even more. He found himself on the floor with his chest over his knees. He wanted so badly for his father to be there. He wanted to talk to him, to hear his voice but he couldn't because his father was gone, not waiting for him in some afterlife where they'd be reunited and his brothers and sisters would be there too, and Grenn and Pyp and Ygritte, they were all gone, there was nothing. The hollowness suddenly returned and he stopped crying, got up and sat back in his seat, wiped his eyes and became still again and went back to staring into the fire.

He didn't notice exactly when Ser Davos returned, he'd gone into some sort of trance and had no idea how long he had been there and whether others had come in and out and had seen him broken and on the floor. He wondered if his eyes were red and swollen and if the old man would say anything if they were. He felt embarrassed regardless and hadn't cried like that since Lady Catelyn had given him the beating of his life for fighting with Rob when he was about 7 or 8 years old. They'd been playing knights and decided if they were real knights they'd need to use real swords. He realised it wasn't the beating itself that had made him cry uncontrollably, it was because that was the moment he learnt she only cared what happened to Rob, she didn't love him at all, she didn't even care about him.

"I saw Ed and Tormund down in the mess hall. I said that you were resting and would see them tomorrow. Tormund said something about you bring a pretty girl and needing your beauty sleep or you'd be in a mood".

Jon was surprised that the faint smile gracing his face was genuine and was hopeful that despite being in an altered state he'd be able to come up with an appropriate response for his friend by morning. Ser Davos approached the table and pushed the paperwork Jon has been working on unceremoniously onto the floor and replaced it with two bowls of meat broth, some bread, cheese and ale. Jon looked down at the papers and up at Ser Davos.

"It's Ed's job now isn't it so he can sort it out tomorrow" he said matter-of-factly. "Hurry up lad the broth's getting cold".

Jon pulled his chair over and tentatively tried a spoonful of broth. Gods he was unbelievably hungry and preceded to attack the rest of the food like a man possessed. Davos didn't say a word about it and they spent the rest of the meal in companionable silence.

"I'm not sure what I am" Jon said after they'd finished dinner. He was absent mindedly staring at the wood grain in the table.

"You're a good man," Ser Davos said drawing Jon's attention and staring him straight in the eyes "don't doubt it and hold onto it. If you start to think you're not, remember there's about 5,000 wildlings safe and south of the wall because of what you did at Hardhome".

"I don't know what I'm going to do" Jon replied throwing the spoon he'd been playing with down on the table in frustration "I just know I can't be here".

"Ah, now, that one's a bit more difficult. You're going to need a bit of time to think things through. Ed said you can stay as long as you want and he kindly offered me the same courtesy, which is helpful, considering I'm in the same predicament" Ser Davos said with a wry smile. "I suggest we both try to get some rest".

"I'm not sure I can sleep, I'm not sure if I do I'll wake up!" Jon said suddenly slightly alarmed.

"Well you can't stay awake forever so best to find out sooner rather than later. I've found someone to watch over you while you try, and don't worry," he said with an impish grin, "it's not Tormund".

There was a familiar scratch at the door and when Davos opened it a blur of white fur came forward at some pace and launched at Jon's lap (which he had long been too big for). Jon nearly fell of his chair and Ghost couldn't get a foothold so just leapt back off him onto the floor.

"I'm concerned I made the wrong choice and you might not be as safe as I thought" Ser Davos said with mock sarcasm.

"Me too" Jon said trying not to give away just how it felt to be back with his much loved wolf. Ser Davos shut the door behind him.

"Did you miss me boy" Jon said to Ghost's eyes as he held him by the muzzle. The resultant whine and lick he took as a yes. "I missed you too" and he knelt on the floor giving Ghost the kind of hug he hadn't given him since he was a pup. The big dire wolf stilled and Jon buried his face in his fur which soon became wet from more tears, this time they weren't from sadness because despite everything he still had Ghost, his loyal, faithful wolf who would never betray him.

Jon realised he was spectacularly tired when he sat on the bed and barely managed to get his boots off before having to collapse under the furs fully clothed. He just about had time to feel Ghost jump onto the bed and curl up next to him before he fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.