Disclaimer: I don't own Phineas and Ferb.

Author's Note: All right, this story, crossposted from Archive of Our Own, is the first story I've ever written for this fandom, and the first I've written for a fandom as big as this. And when your first story for a fandom is a vaguely incestuous one, you'd better make sure the story is rooted in the fandom continuity. The "I know it sounds weird, but it's actually not too far from what they did in episode X" defense. And thus this story is riddled with references to episodes. If you don't like that, you can still click on the 'back' link now. Just saying.

Why did I choose to write a Phindace story? Well, I was first introduced to the greatness of this show through the blog of a fellow fanfiction writer, which was about incest shipping. It's a long story, but I went into the Phineas and Ferb fandom actively trying to ship Phineas and Candace, so it was hardly a surprise that I wound up doing that. It was only after getting more into the show that I started being interested in other couples - first Ferbnessa, and later Ferbella. I still have a hard time picking between the two - Ferbnessa is easily my favorite of all semi-canon couples - but I'm leaning more towards Ferbella at the moment. And that's not just because I want Isabella to steer clear of Phineas - Ferbella really is a great pairing in its own right. But never mind my shipping preferences, I'm sure they will all become clear as you read on.

This story is shaped like an episode, explaining why it doesn't stray that far off-course and snaps more or less back to normal by the end. It's mostly about Candace and to a lesser extent Phineas, but it does have a Doofenshmirtz-and-Perry subplot. Also, while Phindace is the main focus, it does feature subtle hints of Ferbella (or at least I think they're subtle). Again, if you don't like all this, you can still escape.

You may think the story (certainly at first - I think the later chapters are better, but you might beg to differ) is overly stereotypical, the humor is dumb and the title is really lame (and I'd agree on the last one; suggestions are welcome). This is the first time I write a story for such an inherently humorous show, so you might consider my attempts at jokes really lousy. If you want to say something about that or if you have other constructive criticism, feel free to comment. Just so you know in advance, 'scrap the story altogether' does not fit my definition of constructive criticism.

Finally, I apologize for the long Author's Note and urge you to read and enjoy the story if you want to, or leave if you don't. It's all up to you.

Chapter One

It was an ordinary day at the Flynn-Fletcher household. The car was in the driveway, Lawrence and Linda were getting inside it, and Candace was…

"Mom mom mom mom mom mom mom!"

Ah yes. An ordinary day.

Candace's sprint came to a halt right next to the car. "What is it, Candace?" her mother asked.

"Mom, while you and Dad are gone to the antique convention, I'm in charge for the day, right?" the teenage girl asked eagerly.

Linda sighed, gave her husband a knowing glance, and then nodded. "Yes, under the usual conditions."

Candace beamed. "Yes! And I'll keep Phineas and Ferb from doing anything, and if they happen to do something after all, they'll be sooooooo busted when you guys come back!"

"Same old, same old" Lawrence mused. "Have fun, darling!"

"Yeah, yeah. Bye Mom! Bye Dad!" Candace greeted her parents as the car backed out the driveway, drove down the street and disappeared from sight. Once more, she was in charge of the house, and more importantly, in charge of her brothers. She had the authority of an adult in the household, and now that Stacy and Jenny weren't home and Jeremy had something going on at work, nothing would be able to distract her from using her adult authority to bust her brothers. The girl started grinning maniacally as she walked into the house.

oooooooo

Meanwhile in the backyard, Phineas and Ferb were leaning against the tree, Perry at their side. As much as Ferb loved to construct with his brother, there was something special about just relaxing with Phineas and occasionally petting Perry. Even though he was just a platypus and didn't do much, Ferb enjoyed spending time with the family pet.

"Hey Phineas" a familiar feminine voice then sounded.

"Hey Isabella" Phineas greeted. Ferb nodded at her.

"Whatcha doing?"

"Nothing" Phineas replied. "We haven't come up with an idea yet. I guess we could just spend some time thinking about the great day we had yesterday, and an idea for today will pop into our minds."

Ferb and Isabella shared a knowing glance as Ferb realized all too well that to their friend yesterday hadn't been such a great day, thanks to Phineas being his oblivious self. It had been Isabella's birthday again, and unlike last time, she hadn't managed to get some alone time with him, despite her and Ferb's own efforts. Phineas had come up with grand schemes again, all involving their friends and amazing ideas that Isabella nevertheless hadn't asked for. Although Ferb knew he hadn't tried too hard to get Isabella what she wanted because he would feel kind of lonely without either of them being there, he had still felt annoyed when Phineas had unknowingly frustrated all of Isabella's attempts for some time apart.

"You know," Isabella then began, "there was one thing that was missing on my birthday compared to last year."

"Really?" Phineas exclaimed. "You should've told me! What was it? Whatever it was, I'll arrange it for you now!"

Isabella blushed. "Well, remember how we went out to get ice cream?"

Phineas nodded. "Yeah! You want to do that again?" Isabella nodded. "That's a great idea! And this time, Ferb and I can take you there together! It's much more fun for three friends to eat ice cream together than two, don't you think?" As usual, he didn't notice the hurt look in Isabella's eyes. "Except… it was kind of expensive. And not too great quality, especially for a birthday girl." Ferb gave Isabella another knowing glance, well aware what this would lead to. "I bet we could do better ourselves… wait, that's it! Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!" He looked around, confused. "Hey, where's Perry?"

"Um, Phineas?" Isabella asked. "He's right here."

Phineas turned to their pet, who was still sitting on the same spot under the tree. "Oh there you are, Perry" he said. "Hm, that's weird, he's usually gone by now."

"Perhaps he's having a day off from… wherever he goes every day?" Isabella suggested.

"Could be" Phineas mused. "We'll just let him enjoy his day there. Let's go inside and get all the stuff we need to build the coolest ice cream restaurant ever!"

"Didn't you already build an ice cream maker a while ago?" Isabella asked.

"No, that was when Ferb switched those blueprints around, remember?" Phineas replied. "Although I suppose you couldn't know that because you were sick that day. Anyway, we never actually got around to making it. And besides, you can never have too much ice cream." He grinned charmingly at her, and Ferb found himself treated to the sight of Isabella beaming all the way to the house.

oooooooo

Back at headquarters, Major Monogram was leaning back and forth impatiently in his chair, watching Carl fiddle with the computer. "Seriously, how much longer is this going to take?" he complained.

"Should be ready in a minute, sir!" Carl said. "No, not that, not that… yes!" The computer screen turned back on. "All ready, sir!"

"Finally" Monogram complained. He turned on the signal to Agent P's wristwatch and flipped the switch for the background music.

Doo bee doo bee doo bah, doo bee doo bee doo bah – Perry!

"Good morning Agent P" Monogram greeted the platypus, who had just fallen out of the main tunnel into his chair. "Sorry for the delay in calling you up, but the communication system for your watch was malfunctioning. Also, our contacts at Doofenshmirtz' headquarters haven't been able to communicate with us for the same reasons, so we can't tell you what he's up to and you'll just have to see for yourself. We're very sorry. This is all Carl's fault." He glared at the intern.

"It's not my fault, sir!" Carl replied. "The equipment just didn't work! I did everything I could!"

"Well, it's your job to take care of it and makes sure it works properly at all times" Monogram said. "Clearly, you didn't do what you should have done."

"I can't help it" Carl replied defensively. "It's the computers the O.W.C.A. uses. They're out of date. I just checked yesterday – the last update was in 2006."

Monogram blushed. "It's hard running an organization like this these days" he replied. "Times are tough, we all have to cut back. And your new position as a paid intern isn't helping."

"It's a title, sir. It's not like you actually pay me."

"That's not the point, Carl. It's…" Monogram paused, seeing Agent P still waiting. "Anyway. Go stop Doofenshmirtz."

Agent P saluted, got his jetpack and hovercraft, and sped off. Monogram watched after him. "Well, at least somebody knows how to do his job around here."

"I heard that!"

"...so what, Carl?"

oooooooo

"All right" Heinz Doofenshmirtz told himself, "let's try this one more time." He struck a chord on the piano. "One two three four…

Doofenshmirtz evil incorporated!
Where being evil is not debated!
Our great schemes are not for wusses!
But they're thwarted by platypuses… uh… playtpi?
And whenever you feel aggravated!
Just remember how this show'll be rated…

Doofenshmirtz violently shook his head, took the paper with the music on it and ripped it into shreds. "No, no no! That's not a properly evil song at all! It's not even a good song! This is never going to work… huh?"

The sound of his machines activating behind him made the scientist turn to see Perry the Platypus caught in his net trap. "Ah, Perry the Platypus!" he exclaimed. "You're just in time. And by just in time, I mean… well, I mean just in time, I wasn't going to succeed in writing a good song anyway. Huh, I rarely play that one straight anymore, do I?" He started walking up and down. "And now you're probably wondering why you're in a net again, when I already trapped you in one not too long ago. Well you see, this was one of the simpler traps I made, and you always manage to escape the complicated ones, so maybe you won't get out of this one, huh? Huh? And anyway, people love recycling these days. It's hip. So I figured that well, it's not really evil, but at least it saves me money. Charlene has been sketchy about paying the alimony I use for my inators lately." He grinned. "Speaking of which, I decided to recycle one of them, too."

He walked over to the other side of the room where he'd hidden the inator under a giant cloth as usual. "You see Perry the Platypus, a few weeks ago I built that inator to de-age my brother Roger – you know him, right?" Perry gave him a bored nod. "I wanted to shrink him into a baby, only it didn't work! I still haven't figured out what went wrong, although Norm is acting really strange about it." He shrugged. "So I thought, maybe it didn't work because it was too ambitious. I mean, making him a baby, that's a lot of age reversal. So I figured that if I just made him a child instead, about ten or so, then he wouldn't be allowed to be mayor anymore, because obviously, he'd be too young. So since I'm his nearest relative, I would be appointed as his guardian. And then, through Roger, I could take over the ENTIRE TRI-STATE AREA!" Thunder rumbled behind him.

Doofenshmirtz beamed. "Did you hear that, Perry the Platypus? I finally figured out where the Regurgitator got that thunder from. It certainly makes my plans sound more evil, don't you think?" Perry looked unimpressed. "So anyway, where was I. Oh yes. And this plan will be even more evil than the last one, because this time Roger will know I'm taking over, but he won't be able to stop me because he'll be just a child. He'd just be forced to watch, unable to do anything! Is that evil or what?" He walked over to the cloth. "So without further ado, behold, the CHILD-INATOR!"

The room remained completely silent. "Oh, right. I'm trying to cut on the thunder too. It may be awesome but you have no idea how expensive it is."

Perry didn't chatter in response – he usually didn't – so Doofenshmirtz just rolled the inator outside onto the balcony. "We'll have to wait a little while longer, it has to warm up first" he informed the platypus. "I'll just grab a book while we're waiting… except by the time I get one, I suppose the machine will be ready already. You see Perry the Platypus, despite my decision to recycle my inators it still has a quick loading time and-"

His sentence was interrupted by a well-directed kick in the face, sending him tumbling over. Doofenshmirtz looked up to see his adversary. "Perry the Platypus? How did you get out of that net?!"

In response, Perry simply pointed at the net and the huge hole in it. Below it was a familiar creature. "Ah, you just got the mouse again with the cheese-spray on the ropes. I should have thought of that when I decided to recycle my trap."

Doofenshmirtz got up, pushing Perry off him. Perry took off to the edge of the balcony, Doofenshmirtz set off in pursuit, only then the platypus just stopped and slipped between his enemy's legs. The scientist furiously tried to stop him as Perry ran towards the inator. Just as Perry was about to jump against the self-destruct button, Doofenshmirtz got in front of him, and the result was that they tumbled backwards against the 'on' button of the inator. "Sheesh, Perry the Platypus!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed. "Couldn't you have been a little more careful? Now you've got my inator shooting its beam off to… to that same garden most of my beams are shot off to. Hm, that's really strange when you think about it. Maybe I should move my inators once in a while. What do you think, Perry the Platypu-" Perry kicked him in the stomach, hard, toppling him over again, then jumped against the self-destruct button. Doofenshmirtz could only watch as the machine exploded, while Perry jumped off the building, opening his parachute.

The scientist ran after him, angered, and helplessly watched him go from the edge of the balcony. "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!"

oooooooo

Candace was just watching TV when she heard the kitchen drawers being opened and shut. She squinted her eyes tightly, turned off the television and ran over. When she arrived in the kitchen, she saw Ferb and Isabella were fetching juice and cans, while Phineas was just putting down the phone. She growled. "Phineas and Ferb. What are you guys up to?"

"Oh hi, sis" Phineas greeted her. "We're going to build an ice cream restaurant. Do you want to join us?"

Candace snorted. "As if. Just for the record, I'm in charge today."

"I see" Phineas replied, starting to walk outside. "But isn't that only if a satellite falls out of the sky?"

"Don't get your hopes up" Candace replied, following them. "I'm in charge, so that means no inventions. No ice cream makers, no weird robots, no space ships, no weird expeditions to discover something that doesn't exist, no expeditions to the other side of the world, no expeditions whatsoever, no rollercoaster…"

"Are you following this, Ferb?" Phineas asked, as the boys sat down beneath the tree. Ferb held up their recorder.

"…no car wash, no miniature golf course, no…"

And just then, a giant green ray came out of the sky and hit Candace. The girl felt a bizarre feeling go through her, and then it was gone again. She looked Phineas and Ferb straight into the eyes and was about to proceed with her list when she realized that she had looked Phineas and Ferb straight into the eyes.

As in, not down into the eyes.

"Sis, you're our height!" Phineas exclaimed. "And you look like you're our age, too! That's way cool!"

"Cool?" Candace repeated. "This is the opposite of cool! I don't know how you two did this but get me back to normal straight away!"

"Um, Candace, that beam came out of the sky" Isabella said. "So Phineas and Ferb couldn't have done that, and they were planning something else anyway. And didn't you just say that they weren't allowed to build anything today?"

Candace got down on her knees, making her even smaller. "Please, I beg you, you two are the geniuses, so get me back to normal! If Jeremy sees me like this…"

Phineas blinked. "You didn't tell us Jeremy was coming over."

"He isn't" Candace said. "Or at least, we don't have anything planned and he should be at work for most of the day… but imagine if he did come over! You have to tell him I'm, uh, our cousin or something. If he sees me as a little kid, he will never want to date me again!"

Phineas frowned. "Candace, I think Jeremy knows most of our family by now."

"Not Grandaunt Lorraine!" Candace exclaimed, standing back up. "I could be my mother's mother's sister's grandkid!"

"More conventionally, your second cousin" Ferb said.

"Whatever" Candace said. "Just tell him I'm someone else. If he sees me like this, like an ugly little child, then he'll never date me again and we won't get married and won't have Xavier and Amanda and the entire world will explode and – and –"

"Don't worry, Candace" Phineas reassured her. "You're not ugly – not now, and not normally. Jeremy is lucky to have you!"

Candace blinked. "Really?"

"Sure!" Phineas exclaimed. "In fact, you're the prettiest girl I know!" He smiled gently at her, and Candace saw from the corner of her eye how Isabella was seething. To her surprise, Phineas noticed it as well. "Is something wrong, Isabella?"

Isabella's anger made her feel less restraint for the moment. "Phineas, remember that cute-tracker you made? When we tracked down Meap?"

"Sure, I remember" Phineas replied, clearly confused that she would bring it up now. "That was some adventure, wasn't it? I wonder how Meap is doing right now. It's too bad we can't regularly communicate with him like with our other friends. Maybe that's a good idea for tomorrow, right Ferb?" Ferb gave him a thumbs-up. "Of course, there's still the matter of your ice cream restaurant. Maybe we should store the communicator away for a later day. Or just make robots again to do it all at once… although we'd have to be careful for them not to escape our control this time. "

"I was talking about me, Phineas" Isabella replied impatiently. "Didn't you say I was cute? As a scientific fact?"

Phineas nodded, confused. "Yeah…"

"And remember what you told Candace just now?"

Phineas blinked. "Wait, you mean… oh!" He blushed. "Sorry, Isabella. It's not that you're not pretty, it's just that, well, we're friends. It's kind of awkward to say that stuff." He turned back to his sister, while the look on Isabella's face changed from angry to heartbroken. "Anyway. Candace, you won't have to worry about meeting Jeremy, because we'll have you back to normal in no time. Ferb, cancel the ice reservations! I know what we're gonna do today that is different from what we were gonna do today!"

"But-" Isabella stammered.

"I'm sorry Isabella, but this takes precedence" Phineas replied. "You're welcome to stay and help us." The girl nodded, a downcast look in her eyes which Phineas didn't notice. "Great! Come on guys, we – oh there you are, Perry." Candace looked sideways at their pet, while Ferb took out a notebook with a vertical stripe on it and used a pencil to set another.

"He's back early" Candace remarked, giving Perry a strange look.

Was it her imagination, or did she see him stare back with a shocked look on his face?