"Well, my boy," said Ducky as he examined Tony's leg, "I believe you are right. This is just a simple muscle strain. Continue to rest it and take painkillers if you need to."

"Thanks, Ducky," said Tony, "but you didn't need to check. It's fine."

"Timothy mentioned that you had damaged yourself," said Ducky, "so I thought it prudent to check. And besides, it gives me an opportunity to ask how you enjoyed your time away."

"It was great, Ducky. The guys in my supp …"

"Indeed, time away with good friends is a wonderful restorative. For many years I kept in close contact with my fellow medical students and we often arranged invigorating weekends away. Alas, as time went on, we became increasingly separated by geography and, of course, by … well … you know."

"No, Ducky, I don't."

"The personage with the large sickle."

"Who?"

"The Grim Reaper, dear boy. I fear that I am now separated from many of my former friends as they have now passed to the undiscover'd country, from whose bourn no traveller returns."

"Ducky?"

"Hamlet, Anthony. Many of my friends have died."

"I'm sorry, Ducky," said Tony.

"That's quite all right. It is one of the penalties of growing old and I confess that I sometimes feel a certain satisfaction when I read yet another obituary and realise that I have outlived someone else. I fear the consolations of age are not always very noble! And, of course, even if I were still in communication with my fellow students we would hardly be able to enjoy the sort of excursion from which you have just returned. Which reminds me, I was asking how you had enjoyed your time away before I went on a divagation."

"Huh?" said Tony who had lost the thread."

"How was your adventure break?" asked Ducky.

"Oh," said Tony as he caught up, "it was great. And I didn't do my leg in until the last day. We were tubing down the Shenandoah …"

"You were what?" asked Ducky.

"You sit on this huge inner tubing and then take to the river. "

"Good lord," said Ducky, "how extraordinary."

"It's good," said Tony, "but we got into some rough water and I came off."

"Perhaps it is as well that you were only away for a relatively short time," said Ducky, "or you might have done even more damage to yourself."

"Damage?" asked Gibbs as he walked into Autopsy, "what you done now, DiNozzo?"

"Just a muscle strain," said Tony as he put his sock and shoe back on, "I told McGee that he might have to do the running for a couple days."

"You fit for work?" asked Gibbs gruffly.

"I'm fine," said Tony.

"Been enough disruption already," said Gibbs.

"Boss?" asked Tony.

"McGee's been a bag of nerves. Abby's wringing her hands all the time and worrying about you." Tony gritted his teeth and concentrated on putting the shoe on. "They said they came to see you last night. You sorted things out with them?"

"Boss?"

"DiNozzo! You tried to assault McGee and you made Abby cry! Have you fixed things?"

"I didn't think you cared about things like that?" said Tony feeling his temper rise.

"I do when it messes up the team," said Gibbs, "is it fixed?"

"Tim and Abby apologised, if that's what you mean."

"You made them say sorry?" asked Gibbs.

"No. I didn't make them. Sometimes people realise they've done something wrong and apologise. I know you don't understand that idea but …"

"Whatever," said Gibbs, "so long as it's sorted. That's all I care about."

"It's sorted, Gibbs," said Tony stiffly.

"Good," said Gibbs, softening a bit. "Just warn us next time if another ex-wife is going to turn up."

Tony jumped off the autopsy table on which he had been sitting and stood straight and still for a moment. "Going back to work, Gibbs," he said in a completely emotionless voice. "Thanks, Ducky."

Ducky watched Tony walk out and then turned on Gibbs, "Really, Jethro! Do you rehearse these things in that dratted basement of yours?"

"What?" asked Gibbs in honest bewilderment.

"You say the most insensitive things which seem almost designed to be as hurtful as possible."

"I'm not going to coddle them, Duck," said Gibbs.

"Good heavens," said Ducky, "there's no danger of anyone accusing you of being soft on them and especially not of being soft with Anthony."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You like to think of the team as being a family."

"Yes," agreed Gibbs.

"Then I can't imagine what your idea of family is. I had the privilege of meeting your dear late father and he was one of the kindest and most honourable men I have ever known. I can't believe that he gave you the model of a family where the members have to earn love and approval from a remote autocrat of a father."

"Families should work together," hissed Gibbs, "they shouldn't have secrets from each other."

Ducky sighed sadly, "So that's still what this is all about, Jethro. You can't bear the thought that there was something about Anthony which you didn't know."

"No that's not it," said Gibbs, "but this was something which disrupted the team. Prevented them from doing their work."

"And if you had benched Anthony, as he requested, the problem might not have arisen."

"Not the point," said Gibbs.

"Leave, Jethro," said Ducky.

"What?"

"I have work to do. And I see little point in continuing this conversation as you seem incapable of seeing this situation from anyone's point of view except your own."

"Duck …"

"No, Jethro. Go. You are one of my closest friends and I do not want to quarrel with you. I fear if you remain, that is what will happen." Gibbs hesitated but then turned to leave. As he got to the door, Ducky said, "Look in the mirror, Jethro. And remember your secrets."

NCISNCIS

That evening, Gibbs was sitting at his work table in the basement with his latest project in front of him but finding himself unwilling or unable to do any work on it. He was reflecting instead on the day which had just passed. He was shaken by the near quarrel with Ducky who was renowned for never losing his temper and he was shaken by doubts about whether he had handled DiNozzo well.

Gibbs didn't think he was a hypocrite and would have been offended if anyone had levelled that accusation at him. Somehow he thought that it was acceptable for him to have secrets but that he couldn't run his team if they weren't open with him. He was a strong leader who demanded loyalty from his team members and he believed that had served him well. Gibbs wanted his people to become the best and so he constantly challenged them to get better; being good was not enough, there was always something else to aim for. He was sparing with his praise, partly because he didn't want them to rest on their laurels and partly because he took excellence for granted.

If challenged, Gibbs would also have said that he cared for his team. They were trained to look out for each other, their injury record was good and he was ready to put his life on the line for them if needed: he would have no hesitation in dying for any of them. They might work long hours for a demanding boss but they were doing a good and worthwhile job and that should be satisfaction enough.

Gibbs also knew that he struggled with relationships, open emotions made him uneasy. He had learned to cope with Abby's exuberance but that was partly at least, he suspected, because she was in her lab most of the time and he could walk away if he needed to. McGee was already fairly self-contained: the combination of the Admiral's training, DiNozzo's hazing and fear of Gibbs' wrath or contempt meant that he soon learned not to expect much milk of human kindness from Gibbs. Ellie Bishop was a puzzle: new to the team, she seemed to expect social interaction with her co-workers and was still finding her way. Gibbs could humour this eccentricity so long as it didn't disrupt the team; he would ignore it until it annoyed him and then she would have to change.

Which brought him back to DiNozzo. DiNozzo who should be the person he knew best but who had now thrown him a curve ball. Ducky had hinted on various occasions that he and Tony were alike and Gibbs had found some comfort in that. It meant that he could assume that Tony would think the same as he did; would put up with the rudeness and abruptness because he understood Gibbs' motivation. And DiNozzo had; he had become the person Gibbs trusted and relied on most. As a result, Gibbs had been able to turn his attention, his meagre store of softness, to the other members of his team and he had confidently left Tony to find his own way. Except that sometimes Tony had looked left out or hurt by Gibbs' words or actions and sometimes he had looked as if he had wanted to challenge Gibbs' way of doing things. And that was unacceptable, there could only be one team leader.

And then Gibbs had dragged Rebecca Whitely into the squad room and found that his assumptions about DiNozzo were turned upside-down because Tony had been keeping a secret and Gibbs found that he didn't know him as well as he thought. Gibbs wasn't completely without compassion and he regretted that Tony was obviously uncomfortable with his ex-wife showing up but somehow that softer feeling was overridden by irritation that the team were thrown into disarray and, most strongly, by anger that Tony had kept this secret from his Boss. In Gibb's more fair-minded moments he could see that Tony had probably been wise not to tell the team about Rebecca but he couldn't get over that he hadn't been trusted with the secret. Gibbs had thought he was more important than that; surely he deserved to have been told. The way that the team went off track in dealing with Becca proved to Gibbs that he was right to be angry with Tony.

But somehow, sitting his basement that night, thinking of how Tony had sat in stony silence all day, Gibbs began to wonder if he was wrong and he began to wonder if he ran the risk of losing Tony; that perhaps his 'tough love' was no longer the right tool to use. He thumped the work table decisively and sprang up off his seat to run up the stairs. A few minutes later he was knocking on DiNozzo's door. There was no answer.

"He's out," said Tony's next door neighbour as he walked by with some shopping, "it's his men's group night."

Gibbs grunted and stifled a wish to curse Tony's support group with their casseroles and thoughtfulness. "Bet they hug trees too," he muttered before taking one last look at Tony's door and leaving.

NCISNCIS

Gibbs was back at his worktable when he heard the sound of feet coming down the basement stairs.

"Gordon said you'd been by," said Tony.

"Huh," said Gibbs.

"He's better than a security camera," commented Tony, "he always knows who's been to visit."

"Huh," said Gibbs again.

"As you didn't phone, I'm going to assume we didn't get a case," said Tony.

"No."

Tony sat down on the fourth step of the stairs, clasped his hands together, stared at the wall opposite him and began to speak.

"We got engaged in our final year. When the plan for me to play pro basketball was blown out of the water we moved to Peoria to be nearer her family. I went to Police Academy and she got a job at an accountancy firm. A good job. She might have had to give up her dream of a glamorous life but she wasn't doing some dead end job. We got married after I finished training and then it all began to go wrong.

"She found fault with everything; got angry, irritable, resentful, jealous. For a long time I thought it was my fault, that I'd let her down in some way. I still don't know what made her change but now I think she was never the person I thought she was, that she was able to be nice while everything was going her way. Ducky thinks she has some psychopathic tendencies: lack of empathy, cruel, manipulative and without a moral sense.

"Anyway, to cut a long story short, we decided we couldn't go on. Rebecca insisted we get an annulment. Said she wanted to forget it had ever happened. We should wipe the slate clean and start again. So, somehow, she managed to get what she wanted: again."

Gibbs coughed, "no need to be embarrassed about a marriage ending," he said, "hell, I've had three divorces."

"And you've been open and frank about all of them," said Tony drily, looking away from the wall to glance at Gibbs. "I agreed to everything she wanted as a settlement," said Tony, "told her I'd leave it up to her what to do with the wedding presents although I asked her to send Uncle Clive's back as he'd sent a Paddington heirloom – a hideous silver epergne, but he was fond of it and it didn't seem right to keep hold of it. We were supposed to meet at the house to work out what to do with the rest of our stuff. At the last minute, Marla the lawyer brought the date forward to a day I couldn't make because I was working." He swallowed before continuing.

"By that time I was making sure my lawyer, Mark was coming with me to any meetings. He was a frat brother from OSU so he was still training but he came along as a friend. We went to the house as soon as I could get there. The house was stripped bare, she'd taken everything."

Gibbs winced, "know how that feels," he said, "Diane cleared my bank account when she left. Fornell will tell you the same."

"Rebecca didn't just take money," said Tony, "she took everything that could possibly have any value. I remember I kept walking from room to room thinking I'd find where she'd put my stuff but I didn't. Then Mark shouted from the garden so I went out there and found the remains of a fire. She'd burned everything she hadn't taken. All my clothes, sporting certificates, photos – everything. You ever wondered why I don't have many photos in my apartment? No cups or trophies from when I was a college athlete? Well, it's because Rebecca either stole them or destroyed them. She even burned my police uniform. I just had the clothes I stood up in. Now do you see why I was embarrassed, Gibbs?"

"What did you do about it?" asked Gibbs.

"Mark contacted her lawyer but she just said that I'd forfeited any right to discussion because I hadn't kept the appointment. That Rebecca had simply cleared the house and burned any garbage that was left; it was just unfortunate if she'd accidentally destroyed anything that I wanted. There was nothing I could do. Had to admit to my sergeant what had happened so I could get another uniform. Contacted Senior to see if he could loan me any money to tide me over till the next pay check but he was on his honeymoon and didn't reply. My frat brothers came through, loaned me some money and I went to thrift shops to buy clothes.

"Can you see why I wanted to forget about it all, Gibbs? She really did a number on me: destroyed my self-confidence, my dreams, and my hopes and took everything from me. She should have waited though. It turned out my grandparents had set up a trust for me which matured when I was 25: if she'd waited a while she'd have got her claws on that as well. I stuck it out at Peoria for a while but it didn't have happy memories so I left pretty soon. By the time I'd moved on to Baltimore things were beginning to settle down for me and then Wendy finished me off really. Leaving me at the altar pretty much put the boot in."

Gibbs tried to think what to say.

"So, Gibbs, you can see that it wasn't really a story to share. I was embarrassed and ashamed of the whole thing. I can see now that keeping it a secret was probably a bad thing in some ways; cut me off from people, made me lonely but it was hurting me. It was nothing to do with team dynamics or team trust."

Gibbs found himself at a loss and said nothing. Tony got up, "I assumed you'd come round tonight because you wanted to talk, that you'd made the first move. So, I've told you what you wanted to know. Night, Gibbs."

Gibbs realised that Tony was about to go, "Wait, DiNozzo!"

Tony paused and looked expectant, "What, Gibbs? I haven't got anything else to say."

"DiNozzo, wait. I can see why you kept quiet about it."

"So I'm forgiven? Back in the fold?"

"Like I said, I see why you didn't want to talk about it."

"You remember when Delilah got hurt?" said Tony.

"Sure. Why bring that up now?" asked Gibbs.

"You were supportive to Tim. Looked out for him. Cared. It was quite touching."

"It's what teams do," said Gibbs with a touch of complacence.

"Sure. Tim told me that he'd called you. And you went. To the hospital. That you sat with him when he asked you."

"Yes. So what?"

"I have this problem. I can't imagine you doing the same with me," said Tony.

"You're jealous of McGee? Jeez, DiNozzo."

"Not jealous exactly. No, I don't want to be McGee. But I realise I wouldn't ask you to come sit with me because you'd see it as a sign of weakness. If I'm not perfect, I'm no use to you."

"That's not true, DiNozzo. You know I depend on you."

"Sure. As long as I do what you say. As long as I don't bring any pesky personal problems with me. Abby thinks you see the team as family. Is she right?"

"Yes," said Gibbs, "she is."

"Where do I fit in the family, Gibbs?"

"What's got into you, DiNozzo?"

"I can't figure it out, Gibbs. I thought I knew once. Hell, perhaps you knew once. But I can't remember the last time you said my name without a snarl. And you never call me Tony anymore; which is odd because it would be quicker to say Tony than DiNozzo … you could cut down the time you have to speak with me."

"DiNozzo!"

"There you go! That's the tone I was talking about. Hard to figure how you fit into a family when you're called by your surname. I used to think I was like the redheaded step-child."

"What?"

"You know, the kid nobody wants. But I don't think that now."

"Good."

"Because if I was a redheaded kid, you'd probably like me!"

Tony continued without giving a bewildered Gibbs a chance to answer. "I can figure out why McGee wanted to know about Rebecca. He probably saw it as a chance to make fun of me, to make me look a bit small, a chance to go up a rung in your estimation. And Abby, well, I guess she felt a bit sorry for me but really she saw Rebecca and me as one of her computer programs which had a bit of a bug in it. All she had to do was re-write it a bit and it would all be OK again. And she might be the hero of the story."

"Thought you'd sorted things out with them?" asked Gibbs.

"Just let's say it's a work in progress. That I've lowered my expectations."

"What do you mean?"

"I see the difference now between co-workers and friends. When I told my support group about Rebecca, you know what they said?"

"No."

"Well, what they didn't say was 'what did you do wrong?' or imply that it must have been my fault. They didn't think it was funny or a chance to score points. They asked me how I felt about it all. Asked me how I was coping. Guess that's the difference between friends and co-workers."

"Abby and McGee are your friends," said Gibbs.

Tony shrugged, "may be. Like I said, work in progress. But you, Gibbs, I can't work out why you wanted to know. Can't figure it's because you care. I've told you the story and all you've done is relate it to your own history: you haven't asked me how I'm coping, how I feel."

"You look better than you did," said Gibbs, "figured that your time away with your support group had fixed you."

"So you didn't need to do anything? Apart from checking that I'd smoothed things over with McGee and Abby?"

"I'm team lead, I have a responsibility to the team," said Gibbs, "You know that."

"Yes, I do. I'm just not sure any more where I fit into the team."

Gibbs took a deep breath as he tried to decide what he could say which would convince Tony.

"You're right. I went to your place because I wanted to talk to you. Try and get us back to what we used to be. You know you haven't called me Boss since you came down here."

"So you do notice names, Gibbs," said Tony, "so not calling me Tony is deliberate, not an oversight?"

"I thought I knew you, Tony. You're the one I rely on, the one I trust so I was thrown when it turned out you had this huge secret, that you didn't trust me enough to have told me. But I do care. You know I don't do the touchy feely stuff but you matter to me … and not just because you're the best agent I've ever worked with. It goes deeper than that."

"That's good to hear, Gibbs. And believe me, I know you don't go in for the touch feely stuff: you're more the iron fist in the iron glove. But lately, Gibbs, it's been hard to believe that you care at all. It's been easier to believe that you don't think much of me as a person or as an agent."

"That's not true, Tony," said Gibbs, "you're wrong." Gibbs saw Tony about to answer and hurried on, "but I don't blame you for thinking that."

"OK," said Tony, "I'll believe you."

"Good," said Gibbs, "so are we good now?"

"Work in progress," said Tony, "like with Abby and McGee. I'm lowering my expectations. For now I'll settle for seeing you as a co-worker and not as a friend or some weird type of father figure. Perhaps your precious team will function better that way."

"We need you, Tony," said Gibbs earnestly.

"Good to know, Gibbs. I'm just not so sure I need you. It doesn't feel as if my co-workers have done much for me recently. I told you about Rebecca to show that I was willing to sacrifice my feeling to give way to you. But it's the last time, Boss. I won't do it again, I won't make any more allowances; I won't think that your abuse is endearing or think that a head slap is your way of showing affection. I'm done, Gibbs. You have to find a new way."

"Understood, Tony," said Gibbs.

"Night, Boss," said Tony.

It was only as Tony was walking up the stairs that Gibbs noticed the glint of the silver Christening cup standing on a shelf. He was about to call Tony back to give it to him but he hesitated. Once he would have known what to do; it would have been an easy call but now he wasn't sure. Would Tony be happy to get this lone memento back or would it bring back even more bad memories? Once Gibbs would have returned it and been the hero but now he found himself considering Tony's feelings about it. He hoped that was a good sign.

EPILOGUE

Tony got to work the next day to find a small parcel on his desk.

"Open it," ordered Gibbs.

Tony opened the package and gasped when he saw the Christening mug inside. He raised an eyebrow in question,

"Fornell and I found it at Becca's apartment. I'm guessing it's yours?"

Tony nodded and lifted the cup out. Ellie, McGee and Abby arrived at that moment. Tony started to hide the cup away but then caught Gibbs looking at him challengingly. He put the cup on his desk where it was seen immediately.

"Is that yours?" asked Abby, "it's cool!"

"Where did it come from?" asked Ellie.

Tony took a deep breath and a leap of faith as he remembered the pain of secrets past. "The Boss and Fornell found it in Rebecca's apartment. You see she …" He began to tell the story. It was a beginning, he thought. Who knew where it would end?


AN: done! At last! It nearly got split into two chapters but I thought that would be trying your patience too much - so you got a mammoth last chapter instead. Thank you to everyone who has taken an interest in the story … the characters have been returned to their owners physically sound but emotionally drained.