Milly's Restaurant Massacree, a trigun fanfic

Dear Readers,

YO! Naito Tenshi here, and I'm uber-hyper. That's why I'm writing this fanfic. The plot is taken from Alice's Restaurant, a fabulous yet vaguely-known song by Arlo Guthrie. (If you haven't heard it and have a fast connection, I recommend hunting out an MP3 - it's a fantastically hilarious song.) I'm in a real kick with the song at the moment, and am also working on a song parody done to it, but this just got out faster.

Doesn't fit in with the plot AT ALL and makes no sense... think of it as an alternate universe. In any case, let's get on with this nonsense...

And remember, I don't own Trigun, the cast of Trigun, or this song… unless you're talking about DVDs, action figures and records…

Sincerely,

One (1) Naito Tenshi

Milly's Restaurant Massacree

By Naito Tenshi

Chapter 1: Half a Ton of Garbage

You can get anything you want at Milly's Restaurant…

Walk right in, it's around the back

Just a half an ile from the nearest plant

You can get anything you want at Milly's Restaurant.

-Two Thanksgivings ago…-

The priest clad in black was driving along on his motorcycle, the red-draped outlaw happily munching donuts in the side car. The bike kicked up a dusty yellow cloud of sand behind them as they sped along on their way. They were headed towards Milly's restaurant, to visit the insurance girls for Thanksgiving, but not actually to the restaurant. That's because Milly doesn't live at the restaurant, but at a church nearby the restaurant (this pleased Wolfwood greatly) in the bell tower with her sempai, Meryl, and Kuroneko-sama the cat.

The bike skidded across the sand to a stop in front of the church, and Vash hopped out of the side car and ran around the front of the bike, eager to get inside and have some turkey. Wolfwood was much less hurried about it, stopping to get his cross and his bag off the back of the motorcycle and throwing Vash's bag at its owner, so that it hit said owner in the back of his head.

"Ow!" whined Vash, overdramatic tears flowing like waterfalls, "What was that for?"

"For being a baka, Tongari," Wolfwood growled, "You could at least get your stuff off my bike before running inside for food. You were just eating donuts, anyway!"

Vash blinked. "…so? I'm still hungry!"

Wolfwood's response was an extremely frustrated sigh as he walked over to Vash, giving the other a glance, and then led the way as they both headed for the doors. Wolfwood knocked loudly on the door, and moments later Milly opened it.

"Mr. Priest! Mr. Vash!" she squealed, pulling each one into a tight hug. They each greeted her, the only varying in their greeting being the priest referred to her as "big girl" and the outlaw preferred to use "insurance girl". They followed Milly into the church and immediately upon entering, Vash grabbed at his nose.

"Gyah!" Vash screamed , "That's not what we're going to be eating that smells like that, is it!?"

Milly giggled, "Of course not! That's just the half a ton of garbage!"

Both men face faulted and screamed in unison, "The what!?"

Milly tilted her head at them, and then pointed into what had been the main part of the church, where the pews had been. Sure enough, now that the pews had been removed and the floor was clear, in their place was what fully appeared to be a half a ton of garbage spread across the entire room.

"…but why do you have a half a ton of garbage in here!?" Wolfwood asked incredulously.

"Because, Sempai and I don't really use that room, so we figured with all the space, we wouldn't have to take out our garbage for a long, long time!" Milly replied happily.

"Well, I think it's been plenty long enough," Wolfwood said, a sly grin coming across his face, "No pretty girl should have to live like this. We'll take care of this for you," he turned to Vash, asking heavily, "Right, Tongari?"

"What!? No! You can take out the half a ton of garbage yourself if you're trying to impre-"

"Oh, hello Vash, Mr. Wolfwood," said Meryl cheerfully as she entered the room, "Did I just hear that you were going to take out our garbage?"

"Well," Wolfwood replied, "Tongari here doesn't seem t-"

Vash immediately shoved Wolfwood aside, all grins at the shorter girl, his face appearing to nearly glitter, "Of course we are! It just wouldn't be right to leave such lovely ladies living like this!"

~~~~~

"Gee, your tune changed awfully fast once the short-haired girl came in," Wolfwood said to Vash with a smirk, and a glance out of the corner of his eye.

"Yeah, well… like you're one to talk! The only reason you wanted to take the garbage out was to show Milly how 'caring' and 'courteous' you are…" Vash replied indignantly.

"Ah, relax, Tongari," responded the preacher, "Soon as we're through with this garbage business, we can both get back to the girls and have them fawn over how caring and courteous we both are."

"Yeah…" Vash had his head resting on his hand as he sat with his elbow on the doorframe, staring out the passenger window of the boxy red van the insurance girls had told them to use. The back was just big enough to fit all that garbage in.

"Well, here we are!" announced Wolfwood moments later, pulling up by the dump. They were both immediately greeted with the sight of the gate closed, a chain over the front, and a sign that proclaimed "CLOSED ON THANKSGIVING."

"What!?" Vash screeched, "I've never heard of a dump being closed on Thanksgiving before!"

"Huh," Wolfwood replied, dumbfounded, "Neither have I… then again, I don't claim to be an expert on dumps."

Vash turned to Wolfwood, his fists grabbing black suit jacket, and began shaking his friend in a panic, his eyes full of tears, "What do we do!? If the dump is closed, we can't throw the garbage out and then the girls won't see how caring and courteous we are!"

"Let go of me, you baka!" Wolfwood demanded as he pried Vash's hands off his jacket, "We'll just find somewhere else to put it!"

"…somewhere else?" Vash asked, eyes still tearing, "But that would be illegal, wouldn't it??"

"Hey, you've already got a bounty on your head," Wolfwood replied as he pulled the van away from the dump and onto a side road, "What else do you expect them to do to you? I'm the one taking a risk here."

Vash gave a little sniff, crossed his arms and turned away in a little pout, glaring out the window. They drove on in silence for several minutes, not seeing any place to put the garbage. Wolfwood turned onto another side road, and a few minutes after the turn, he spotted something.

"Here we go!" exclaimed the driver, "There's a cliff here."

"We can't just throw the garbage off a cliff!" Vash protested.

"Of course we can!" Wolfwood climbed out of the car and walked over to the ledge of the cliff, "Look down there, there's already another pile of garbage at the bottom."

The gunman followed his friend out of the car, to the cliff, and looked down as well, "Well… I guess just one big pile of garbage is better than two little piles…"

"It sure is," replied Wolfwood, "And we're sure as hell not bringing that one up."

"I guess it's not so bad…" replied Vash thoughtfully, and before he was even done with his statement, Wolfwood was pulling out shovels, rakes and his cross punisher from the back of the van. Vash turned and stared at the cross.

"Why did you bring that?!" the outlaw demanded.

"Well, I thought maybe if we had to, we could just blow up the garbage…" Wolfwood began to state, a finger pointed at the rocket launcher in the top of the cross, but he trailed off, standing there with his finger still pointed at the top and his mouth open from the end of his sentence as Vash gaped at him, a few minutes of silence passing before he asked, "…what?"

"…nothing," Vash replied flatly as he took a shovel and headed for the garbage in the back of the van.

Wolfwood shrugged and leaned the cross against the side of the van, then got a shovel of his own and joined Vash in digging the garbage out of the van, "Don't tell me I can't even blow up garbage. It's not alive, you know…" he added teasingly, "Oh, wait, are you protecting the bacteria, too?"

Vash gave the priest a little glare, but made no response as he flung a bit of garbage off his shovel and down the cliff.

"You know, Tongari, I understand the whole 'life-is-precious-and-we-can't-take-it-away' thing to a point, but… bacteria!?" Wolfwood responded as he followed suit.

"I'm not protecting the bacteria!" Vash screeched as he tossed another shovel full down.

"Alright, alright!" Wolfwood responded, "Geez, Tongari, you have to take everything so seriously?"

About an hour later, they had finished tossing every last bit of garbage down the cliff, and Vash and Wolfwood loaded up their shovels and rakes (and implements of destruction) into the back of the van and were headed back towards the church to go have Thanksgiving dinner with the insurance girls.

~~~~~

"Oh boy! That looks really good!" Vash praised the food before him as he sat at the table. He was a little irritated that Meryl had made he and Wolfwood scrub their hands before getting anywhere near the table. He saw the point, of course, but still. He was hungry. And now he was just about to reach for a dish before Milly gently smacked his hand away.

"Not yet, Mr. Vash!" the tall girl scolded him good-naturedly, "First we have to say grace! Right, Mr. Priest?"

"Of course!" Wolfwood replied, "And being the resident man of God, I suppose I get to take the honor?"

"Naturally!" Milly responded happily.

Meryl nodded as well, and Vash flashed Wolfwood a look that told him to get on with it already. So the priest shrugged and joined hands with the others at the table.

"Lord," he began in as dramatic a priestly voice as he could muster, "We thank you from the bottoms of our hearts and our souls for this great feast you have set before us this evening. We are eternally thankful for your continuous blessings of health, life, and friendship. And, lord, if you see fit, please grant me the strength to NOT BLOW THE SPIKY-HAIRED HEAD OFF OF CERTAIN IMPATIENT OUTLAWS WHO KEEP STOMPING ON MY FOOT!!!"

A few minutes of silence ensued, and as Wolfwood felt no more stomping, he added, voice calm once more, "…Amen."

"Amen," said both the insurance girls, rather unsurely.

Wolfwood shot a glance to Vash, who shrunk back and muttered, "Amen?" To which the priest gave a single, satisfied nod.

The gunman opened his mouth to say something else, but Meryl interjected, "Yes, Vash, now we can eat."

Vash gave a little cheer and reached for the food.

~~~~~

"Ah!" Vash gave a satisfied breath as he flopped onto one of the two twin beds in the guest room up in the bell tower, "That was a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat!"

"Sure was," Wolfwood agreed as he sat on the other.

"Man, I'm so full I think I could sleep for days," the outlaw muttered, already beginning to drift into slumber.

"It'd be nice if you did," Wolfwood joked, "I'm starting to forget what it's like to not have a headache."

If Vash said anything coherent in retort it was lost, because the only thing to escape his lips was a low murmur as he drifted off into sleep. Wolfwood shook his head, took off his suit jacket and shoes, and lay back on his own bed, flipping off the light.

"Goodnight, Tongari," he muttered as he fell into sleep himself.

~~~~~

Wolfwood was awoken the next morning by the sound of a ringing phone on the nightstand. Of course, thanks to the twin suns, there was no need to turn the light on, so he sat up and picked up the phone.

"Hello?" he asked, with surprisingly low grogginess.

"Good morning," replied a female voice, "My name is Marianne and I'm a local marshal. Are you Nicholas D. Wolfwood?"

"I am…" the priest replied, blinking.

"You see, we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of garbage and just wanted to know if you had any information about it."

"Well, Marshall Marianne, I cannot tell a lie… I put that envelope under that garbage." Wolfwood glanced over to the other bed, where Vash was slowly getting up, rubbing his eyes.

After forty-five minutes of Vash watching Wolfwood nervously, getting half the conversation and not liking how it was sounding, and Wolfwood, carefully dancing around the truth of the matter, the admission finally came out that he and Vash had indeed thrown the garbage down the cliff. To this Marianne responded that they had to clean up the garbage and come down and speak to her at the station.

So, they climbed back into the red van, with their shovels and rakes, and Wolfwood's cross punisher, and headed down towards the station.

"What're they gonna do to us, Wolfwood!?" Vash wailed nervously from the passenger's seat.

"Ah, don't worry about it," responded the calm priest, "They'll either give us medals for being so brave and honest on the phone about it-"

"I wouldn't expect that…"

"Neither would I. Well then, what they'll probably do is bawl us out and tell us to never be seen driving garbage around the vicinity again."

"Yeah… probably," the gunman whined, "I don't want to listen to that..."

"Well, we're probably going to have to," responded the priest, "Hell, could be worse, though. At least they won't arrest us. Not for littering."

"You sure?" Vash questioned.

"Of course I am!" Wolfwood replied confidently.

…to be continued, of course. ^_^