A fly landed on Simon's nose. He didn't move. If he did, he'd have to start his ninja training all over again. he had to spend twenty minutes frozen in an uncomfortable position, every day. No excuses, or he'd never learn to stay truly still.

He'd been clinging upside down to the side of the roof fifteen minutes so far, and his head was beginning to swim, but he was fine. Except for the fly on his nose. Blowing on it was against the rules, he decided. He was like a piece of furniture, until his target wandered into range and-

Suddenly, Gunter rose up to the size of the house right in front of him, and Simon barely kept himself from jerking backwards.

Gunter looked Simon in the eye, and sighed heavily, blowing his fishy breath into Simon's face and scaring away the fly. He sighed again, louder.

Simon ignored him. Whatever it was, it could wait five minutes. Gunter knew how important Simon's training was.

Simon mentally catalogued Gunter's body language, and counted down from a hundred in his head. Nothing happened when he hit zero, but a few seconds later, Gunter went back inside.

Oh well. One day he'd solve Gunter's attention span.

When his time was up, Simon swung himself around, and a wave of dizziness hit him. "Ooh... Oh Glob..." He held onto the side of the roof until he could trust himself to move. Could he train his blood not to respond so much to gravity somehow? Were blood vessels muscles? His heart was a muscle, unless the time it had come to life and tried to kill Bonnibel negated that.

He climbed back inside through the window, glad to be out of the sun, and immediately walked into one of Gunter's clones. Gunter inhaled deeply, then sighed again.

Simon could take a hint. "What's the matter, Gunter?"

Gunter looked up like he hadn't even noticed Simon was there. He obviously had. No matter how many clones he had, he could usually turn his attention to any of them in an instant. Simon theorised that his clones had at least enough individual awareness to process information and selectively send the most interesting parts back to his main consciousness, wherever that was. He'd asked Gunter about it once, but Gunter had just shrugged.

"Oh, Simon!" said Gunter. "I, uh, I didn't see you there. It... No, no it's nothing. Just... nothing."

"Oh, okay," said Simon. That happened to him sometimes. "Then why don't you just put it out of your head?"

"What?" said Gunter.

"Like this," said Simon. He pressed his hands to his temples, squeezed his eyes shut, and said "No no no no no no no no no no!" He opened his eyes and smiled. "All gone."

"Er," said Gunter. "Actually, it is something. There's this... There's this game I've been playing."

Simon rubbed his head. He'd pressed it a bit too hard. "Game?" He loved games.

Gunter shuffled his feet. "It... it's called Card Wars. It's a... card game. Called... called Card Wars. I'm getting pretty good at it, actually."

Simon rubbed his chin. "Card Wars? I never heard of it." Why had he never heard of it? It was a game, and it seemed to require some skill. Exactly his kind of game.

"Yeah, I know," said Gunter. "I mean, I... I thought you wouldn't be interested."

"Heck yeah I'm interested!" said Simon. "What kinda game is it? Playing card or trading card?"

"Well it's a trading card game, and it's really, super complicated, and you make fantasy monsters fight each other, and- and Lady Rainicorn doesn't want to play anymore." Gunter folded his arms. "I may have beaten her. Once or twice. Thirty-three times in a row."

"I'll play with you, Gunter," said Simon quickly. Being good enough to beat Lady Rainicorn meant almost nothing in terms of gaming. Lady probably could be a good strategist if she took it more seriously, but she thought games were just a fun way to waste an afternoon. Or that's what Gunter told him. Simon still hadn't managed to learn Korean.

"Weeeeeeeeeell..." said Gunter. He looked around. "Okay."

Straight away, his main body ran in, holding a metal box. Both Gunters spoke at the same time, as they cleared off a table, opened the box and took out the cards inside.

"Gunter..." said Simon, which had no effect. "Gunter! You're doing that thing again." He poured some potato chips into a bowl and took it to the table.

"What thing?" said the clone.

"Oh, sorry," said the main Gunter, at almost the same time. He reabsorbed his clone. "G... Got a bit out of sync there." He pulled a big bottle of green flavoured soda from the icebox. "I was just explaining the rules. There is a lot of them. Rules, I mean."

Simon pulled the manual out of the box and flipped through it. "Interesting..." The more rules, the better. He'd once found half of an expansion manual for something called "Fights & Loot" in a glovebox at the junkyard, and he'd spent days searching for enough information to make it playable. He'd never wanted anything so much since the time his parents had refused to buy him a globe of the ancient world.

Card Wars seemed less complicated than Fights & Loots, but it would do for now.

Gunter passed him one of the decks, and Simon inspected it. He was beginning to understand how to play. Maybe. He needed a bit more time.

Football entered the room, wearing a tutu and twirling like a ballerina.

"Hey, Football!" said Simon. "Me and Gunter are playing Card Wars. Wanna join in?"

Football looked over at them and frowned. "I do not play such games with Gunter." She twirled out of the room, still frowning.

Simon watched her leave. "Huh..."

Gunter shrugged, and said "Well, the first thing you need to know is how to play the game. Every turn has three distinct..."

Two hours later, they'd got as far as setting out the cards, and Simon had read the manual cover to cover, half listening to what Gunter was telling him. He got it now. He was going to win. There was no doubt about that.

"For the glory!" Gunter yelled, snapping Simon back to reality. "Simon! You weren't listening!" He glanced out the window at the setting sun. "Ah well, there's time to explain it again."

"I heard enough kick your butt," Simon replied, smiling.

"We'll see about that," said Gunter. He leaned his elbow on the table. "Okay, what... what kind of stakes are we playing for?"

"The loser... will know he's a loser," said Simon, narrowing his eyes. The worst possible outcome.

Gunter narrowed his own eyes. "Agreed."

He turned his kingdom cards sideways, a move that the manual called "flooping". Simon did the same, and their kingdoms appeared on the board in front of them. Simon held his cards out in front of him in a fan, pretending to think. One glance at Gunter's overly corn-dependant kingdom was all he needed for victory.

"I go first," said Gunter.

Simon leaned back and dangled his free arm behind the chair. Good. Once he saw Gunter's play style, he wouldn't just win. He'd annihilate him.

Gunter's first move was to play a spell that displayed Simon's cards to him. "Ooh, you have a Crimson Bloodstorm. I'll take that." He touched its hovering representation, and the Crimson Bloodstorm floated out of Simon's hand and into Gunter's.

Simon snorted.

"What?" said Gunter. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," said Simon. Crimson Bloodstorm was... workable, but only under certain circumstances, when you were very sure of your opponent's options. Its power made it attractive to amateur players, he assumed, but it was too easy to turn its against its own side.

"No, no you snorted," said Gunter, waving the card he'd taken from Simon. "I heard you. I know what you're trying to do, and it, it's not working. You are trying to reverse psychology me." He tapped his head. "Not falling for it."

Simon shook his head and didn't bother answering. Psyching Gunter out was so easy.

"Well, maybe my Husker Knights will have something to say about your mind games!" said Gunter. He activated his corn knights and the Crimson Bloodstorm, and they rushed towards Simon's side of the board.

Simon put his hand on the pig card, the cornerstone of his tentative strategy.

"You are actually going to activate your pig to defend against my knights," said Gunter. He started to laugh.

Simon smirked, and said "No. I'm gonna floop it."

Gunter laughed harder. "You don't floop to defend! You activate! Are you sure you're ready to play with the big kids? I, I think the monster preschool is still open-"

"I'm not defending," said Simon. "I'm countering. My pig goes first, because my pig and your attack both move at stack speed."

"I know what countering is!" said Gunter. "What could your pig possibly do-"

Simon flooped the pig. It wandered over to Gunter's side and started eating all Gunter's corn crops.

"What is it doing?" said Gunter. He swatted at it. "Stop doing that!"

Simon sniggered.

Gunter pointed. "You knew this would happen, didn't you?"

With the removal of their energy source, the Husker Knights fell apart. Without the attack, the Crimson Bloodstorm stayed where it was, raining blood onto the helpless knights.

"Sorry Gunter, I think the preschool just shut," said Simon. "You really wanted to find someone on your level, huh?"

Gunter growled. "Your turn."

Simon drew the Spirit Tower, and placed it and the Cave of Solitude in his kingdom. "I'm gonna hide my pig in the Cave for now," said Simon. He had to keep it safe until he improved his defences, or at least drew another pig. "My Ancient Scholar goes in the schoolhouse," he continued. "To study." By the way Gunter was grinding his beak, Simon was going to need a buffed up scholar soon, and the schoolhouse had just the spell he needed.

"Then... That just leaves your cool dog to attack, doesn't it?" said Gunter.

"Oh, I'm not attacking this turn," said Simon. He put his cards down and sat back.

Gunter sniggered. "Your mass funeral. I cast Field of Nightmares and activate my Legion of Earlings!" Some more corn people rose out of the ground and danced around.

"What's that supposed to do?" said Simon, with his hands behind his head.

"It's supposed to scare your stupid pig to death," Gunter replied. "Because... Field of Nightmares buffs their ability. Their... their scare ability."

Simon pointed at the cave. "You can't. It's in the Cave of Solitude. Can't hurt monsters in the Cave of Solitude."

Gunter slammed his flippers on the table. He scanned his cards, and said "Oh you can't, can't you?" He turned one of his cards on its side. "I floop the volcano!"

Simon leaned over to read the card's details. "What, you wanna destroy your own side along with mine?"

"Yes!" yelled Gunter. "Die, you corn-killer!" The volcano exploded, flooding both sides with lava and burning up the corn field. A stray rock flew at the Cave of Solitude, destroying it, and the pig.

"Oh no," said Simon, putting on an upset face. He recalculated his strategy and smiled inwardly. Gunter was wasting his turn.

Gunter played a card to repair his kingdom, reviving his knights, and revealed a powerful Immortal Maze Walker hiding in his Useless Swamp. "I attack your schoolhouse with the Immortal Maze Walker and the Husker Knights!"

Simon frowned, almost genuinely. Immortal Maze Walkers got triple damage from corn energy. But that would only matter if it actually got a chance to do some damage, which it wouldn't.

"Your schoolhouse crumbles before my-" Gunter began.

"Hey, hold up," said Simon. "I never took my defence phase."

Gunter snorted. "What could you possibly have left-"

Simon moved his Ancient Scholar out of the schoolhouse. "He's been studying Raise the Dead ability."

"Yeah, and?" said Gunter. He tapped his flipper on the table. The Maze Walker and Husker Knights waited at the border between kingdoms.

"He raises my pig," said Simon, smirking. "Then..."

"Simon, don't you dare!" Gunter yelled.

"Then, I floop the pig," said Simon. He flooped the pig.

The pig ate all Gunter's corn, de-energising the Husker Knights. Simon chuckled.

Gunter breathed deeply. "Okay. Okay. At... At least I still have-"

Simon's defence phase over, the Immortal Maze Walker crossed over to Simon's side, and was immediately entranced by the Spirit Tower, which had the one-off ability to gank the weakest creature that attacked the kingdom. Gunter had either forgotten about that, or had never even known.

Gunter screamed, ran across the room, and bashed his head against the wall.

"What's wrong?" Simon called. "Afraid to be the loser?"

Gunter came back and jumped into his chair. "Your turn." He leaned over the table and stared at Simon.

Happily, Simon scanned Gunter's face up cards for any hidden traps, and played the Immortal Maze Walker, annihilating the last of Gunter's creatures, the Wandering Bald Man stuck in the Useless Swamps.

Simon jumped up. "Hah! How's it feel? How's it feel to lose in two turns?"

Gunter moved his beak as thought he was thinking. "No... No, the game's not over yet. That was just a... warm up. It's... It's not fair, you having never played the game before. The real game starts now."

"But..." said Simon. "I beat you. If anything I-"

Gunter drowned him out. "Lalalalala! It is time to play the real game."

Simon shrugged. "Okay." He was having fun. One more game couldn't hurt. He could use a more complex strategy now that he had a feel for how it played.

He sat for an hour, rearranging his deck and coming up with strategies and discarding them, trying to judge how much Gunter would vary his own strategy. Gunter sat and stared at him through narrowed eyes the whole time. Simon never once saw him blink.

.

The wind blew across the fertile plains of Simon's kingdom, and up the stony mountains, where it deposited its precipitation as snow before it could reach the desert beyond. As a result, the mountains yielded double cold energy every turn. The desert produced heat energy, and didn't need the wind anyway.

Spread across the kingdom was a group of heavily defensive buildings, and a few armoured Kaynight dogs.

"Okay, men!" said Simon, walking his fingers in front of them. "This is it. This is where we show those losers in Gunter...inia who they're up against. Remember, there's no shame in falling in battle today. The only shame lies in losing to Gunter!"

Gunter looked at his side, then at Simon's. As Simon had guessed, his initial layout was basically the same, though he had more winged creatures. Simon could deal with that.

Gunter moved his beak like he was trying to think of something to say. Finally, he said "For corn!"

To his credit, Gunter didn't attack on his first turn this time. He cast Plains of Eternal Itching at the edge of his battlefield. "Good luck getting your pig through there. Simon." He narrowed his eyes in a smirk.

Simon shrugged. "Who said I was using the pig?" He was. It was too effective not to use against a corn-reliant opponen. But Gunter didn't need to know that yet. The pig would stay in his hand until there was a good reason to play it.

Gunter didn't speak much through the rest of the game. He continuously attacked with his fliers next few turns, and Simon continuously strengthened his defences. Some of his Kaynights died, but that was fine. That was what they were there for. Stalling.

Finally, he drew the enchantment he needed. "I play the pig," he said, putting the pig in his hand on his plains. "And I cast Cloud Underwear on the pig."

It rose into the air, and Simon moved it to his most heavily fortified outpost. He'd floop it later, when Gunter invariably attacked.

Gunter did attack, on the next turn. He only used Husker Knights, so Simon flooped the pig and they didn't make it into the kingdom. Simon assumed that Gunter was playing poorly because he was angry. He wasn't stupid. Just bad at thinking ahead.

With the pig eating Gunter's crops every turn, Gunter's energy pool dwindled to the meagre energy given by his Useless Swamps, and Gunter began making a soft growling noise.

"Face it, Gunts," said Simon, moving the pig into the mountain outpost for his turn. "I'm the winner at Card Wards, and you'll always just be a loser."

Gunter threw his cards down. Simon looked at them, and couldn't stop himself from breathing in slightly. Gunter actually had the ability to be a credible threat with that hand,

Gunter saw his expression, and looked down. He mumbled to himself as he read his cards, then gasped. He put down the card Simon had seen. "I cast Cold Snap!"

A wave of cold swept across the board, making both sides' troops shiver. In the mountains, the temperature dropped to close to absolute zero. If Simon had cast Indoor Heating beforehand, he might have had a chance, but he didn't even have it in his deck. The pig froze solid. Everything froze solid, except for the Rime Elemental patrolling the outer regions.

Gunter cackled. "You lost your pig. What are you gonna do now? Cry? Your pig's dead, Simon. Dead."

Simon shrugged and kept a neutral expression. His desert wouldn't give out its heat energy this turn either, but he had enough. Besides, Cold Snap wasn't reusable like the pig was.

"What... what are you doing that for?" said Gunter. "Your pig's dead. Don't you understand? We are talking comeback of the century for Penguinland. Comeback of the century."

"Penguinland?" said Simon with a smile.

Gunter tapped one of his cards with his flipper. "Archer Dan!"

Archer Dan stayed where he was.

"Ooh, right," said Gunter. "My cornfields... They haven't grown back yet." He looked at his side more closely. "I'm... completely out of energy." He shook his flipper. "The comeback of the century begins next turn!"

Simon made a show of looking at his cards. "Hm... Whatever will I do without my pig?" He picked a card out of his and played it on top one of his harpies. "I guess I'll have to play my backup pig."

Gunter leaned over. "Wha-? That... that's cheating! You can't just play another pig!"

"Aw, you think you know so much about Card Wars," Simon said. He considered a condescending head pat, but decided against it. He couldn't be sure Gunter wouldn't swallow him in one gulp.

He put the pig inside a plain outpost, while Gunter thunked his head against the table.

"For my battle phase, I cast Energy Vacuum," continued Simon.

Gunter stopped hitting his head on the table. "What? I haven't got any energy. You're wasting your turn."

Simon handed him the card. Gunter read it. "If the opponent runs out energy, the remaining points will be taken in the form of... creatures..."

All of Gunter's creatures began to turn blue and go over to his side. Gunter screamed and grew huge, knocking the table away.

Simon jumped out of the way. "Wowsers!" Gunter was taking this harder than he'd expected.

Gunter screamed at the sky for three minutes before he went back to normal size. "Oh. Oh look at that. The game's ruined. We'll have to just play again from the beginning."

"Uh, I'm gonna heat up some dinner, okay?" said Simon, making to stand up. They'd just repaired the roof, and he didn't want to be around Gunter until he calmed down.

Gunter grew again and grabbed him. "We'll just have to play again."

"I... I'm getting a little stiff," said Simon. They'd been playing sitting there for hours, he realised. "W-w-why don't we play again later? Tomorrow?"

"Today," said Gunter. "We play until the game ends."

Simon recalled what Football had said earlier. Why didn't she play with Gunter? Did she know something Simon didn't? "Uh..." He rubbed his leg. "Ow, a leg cramp!" he yelled. "In my leg!" He stood on one leg and hopped out of the room. "I gotta replenish my... blood salt or whatever!"

He flattened himself against the wall in the next room and called quietly. "Football! Football, you in here?"

Something small and sharp smacked into his shoulder.

"Ow!" Simon pulled it out. It was a tiny dart. "Football, there better not be paralyser in this." That was all he needed.

Football jumped down from the rafter. "No, Simon. It's just water this time."

Simon put the dart down gingerly. "Football, Gunter's acting... crazy. He just put a hole in the roof because I beat him at Card Wars!"

Football put a hand over her mouth. "You beat Gunter at Card Wars?"

Simon grinned. "Yeah, twice!" He was so good at gaming.

"Simon... that is terrible!" said Football. "He will keep challenging you over and over, until he wins!"

Simon waved his hand dismissively. "Have you played him? He can only win against casuals."

"Yes," said Football. "One time, I played him for two weeks straight. He kept making up an excuse why it didn't count when I won." She climbed up Simon's body and held onto his bowtie to look him in the eye. "You must take a dive, Simon."

"That's impossible, he..." Simon began. "Wait. Two weeks? Where was I?"

"You were competing in the All-Ooo Thief-Heroics Olympiad," said Football, still gripping his bowtie.

"Stealth-Heroics," Simon muttered. He remembered that. He hadn't won, but he would have if he hadn't spent so much time being suspicious of his competitors. "Football, listen. I can't lose to Gunter. I'm a Card Wars ultra-"

"That's enough time!" A flood of Gunters came through the door and carried him back to the table.

Simon sat down, shuffled his cards, and looked into Gunter's eyes. They were the eyes of someone who was prepared to sit there for months until Simon made a mistake or died of hunger, and claim the mantle of the winner.

"I gotta rethink my strategy," said Simon, to give himself some more time. "Uh, my leg feels way better now."

Gunter folded his arms and stared at him.

He couldn't lose. He had a reputation to uphold. He couldn't let Gunter think he was actually better at Card Wars than Simon. Gunter was mediocre, at best.

If Simon lost, he'd be the loser. But if he won, they'd sit at this table forever.

It was a pretty fun game, but... it probably wasn't worth never doing anything else ever again. He at least needed to patch the roof soon. It was getting into storm season.

He had no choice. He said "Let's get the game over with."

He shuffled his deck again. Gunter could usually tell when Football was letting him win, so Simon would have to make it look convincing. He only had one chance at this. If Gunter caught him, Simon would never be able to lose on purpose again. Gunter could be very perceptive when he had a reason.

Simon couldn't act nonchalant when he lost, and he couldn't get too upset. The line was somewhere below bursting into tears and having a Viking funeral for his dead cards, but how far below? Only just?

When it came to setting the game up, Simon looked at his cards, wrinkled his forehead, then picked them at random. He ended up with a cornfield, a space station, tundra, and a pre-war city, all in a row. His creatures were made up entirely of pigs. He noticed Gunter looking at his setup with confusion, and smiled at him.

Gunter glared, apparently convinced that he some kind of strategy. That was good, but it wasn't enough. Simon had to figure out exactly what his fake strategy was.

He had pigs... and a cornfield. Obviously you got some sort of bonus for letting pigs eat your own corn! But only if they could get into space afterwards. At the poles, where the gravity was weaker. Or was that stronger? It didn't matter, Gunter wouldn't know which it was either.

For the purposes of the game, it was weaker. Also you needed a spaceport to launch the pigs into space. That was what the city became when you combined it with the space station. And once the pigs were in space-

A tiny clone of Gunter slapped him in the face, bringing him back to reality.

"Simon, stop stalling and play the game." Gunter sounded like he was losing patience.

"Oh, yeah, right," said Simon. "I floop the pig. This pig."

He pointed to one of the pigs in his cornfield. He flooped it, and the pig stayed where it was, eating all Simon's corn.

Gunter laughed. "The pig's not going to want to come over to my side! You've crippled yourself!"

Simon folded his arms and leaned back in his chair. "All part of the plan."

"Hm..." Gunter frowned at his cards. "I'll pass this turn."

"What?" said Simon. "Come on, attack me! I'm wide open here!" He spread his arms.

"Now I am definitely going to pass," said Gunter. "Not falling for your mind games. Not this time."

"Uh..." Simon looked at his collection of pigs. "Oh darn. I mean, bat grass sky streets quadratic formula!" It was hard to come up with replacement curse words when he wasn't actually upset. "My plan fell apart!" Was is safe to make a horrible move? Would Gunter believe it was because he was angry? "I activate the pig to fight your..." He checked Gunter's setup quickly. "Your Husker Knights!"

He couldn't believe Gunter was trying the same strategy three times in a row.

The pig got slaughtered, of course, and Gunter mumbled to himself. Now Simon just had to get rid of his five other pigs.

Somehow.

On his turn, Gunter moved all his creatures indoors. "I don't know what you're trying to do, but I don't like it!"

Gunter's creatures couldn't kill the pigs if they were indoors. It was going to be a long game.

Pig sacrifice actually was a viable strategy for victory, and maybe Gunter knew that, but you needed at least one deity in play, preferably on your opponent's side, and a couple of Rune Carrots. Surely Gunter could see that Simon had no Rune Carrots.

Simon was getting hungry. Hungry for something other than green soda and chips. He thought about the leftover lamb roast in the icebox, and licked his lips.

Gunter looked at Simon over his cards, and said "Your move."

Simon desperately read his cards. What if Gunter caught on in the hours it would take for the pigs to break down his defenses? He couldn't spend the rest of his life playing Card Wars. "Aha! I move all my pigs to the space station!"

The pigs waddled over to the space station, went blue one by one, and suffocated.

"Aw, darn!" said Simon. "I forgot to equip them! With space helmets! Can't go into space without space helmets!" He held the space station card up so that Gunter could see it. "I guess you're the winner."

Gunter jumped onto the table. "Hah! I knew I'd win! Couldn't stand up to my corn, eh? Your pigs are no match for my raw power."

It was hard to pretend to be upset when he was so relieved. "Aw, math... balls!" Simon threw his cards to the ground.

Gunter got up in his face. "How's it feel? You can cry. It's okay. I won't judge."

"I'm just glad we're still friends," said Simon sincerely.

Gunter burst out laughing. "Simon, you are so corny sometimes."

Simon chuckled and said "I guess you're right about that."