Sam sighed once more, fidgeting with the bandana as anxious energy hummed through him. "I know that you sacrifice for me..." he began, holding Dean's gaze from across the table. "I know that you've sacrificed for me your entire life. I know that. And I appreciate it. I do. More than I can say." He paused. "And I know that you've endured a lot of shit for me...and that it's hurt you. And I'm sorry that I said it didn't. I was wrong to say that."

"Yeah," Dean agreed, his tone flat. "You were."

Sam nodded. "And I know what it's like to think you're doing the right thing...a good thing...but then it turns out to be a colossal cluster fuck."

Dean nodded.

Because he knew Sam knew.

After all...apocalypse, anyone?

Sam twitched a self-deprecating smile and clenched his jaw against the emotions threatening to surface as he plunged deeper into the issues between them.

"But Dean...when I said I wouldn't save you, I didn't mean it the way you heard it."

Dean arched an eyebrow.

Well, that was certainly good news.

"Okay..." Dean replied, proud of himself for how calm he was staying...although he knew part of that was because Sam was becoming so upset.

They always balanced each other.

"Then, tell me..." Dean prompted his brother. "What did you mean? 'Cause, man..." He laughed, a hollow sound. "I really need to hear it the way you meant it."

Sam nodded, because he knew the way Dean had heard it; had seen Dean's reaction last night...like his words had fatally wounded his big brother.

And that was not Sam's intention.

Sam released a shaky breath. "I would die for you," he told his brother, repeating the words he had said several years ago while riding shotgun in the Impala.

Dean blinked as though he was surprised. "What?"

"I would," Sam assured, his voice still quiet and hoarse but resolute in the promise he was reaffirming. "But when I said that I wouldn't save you, I meant that if it was the same circumstances...if I knew you were ready to die...then..."

He paused, his fingers tightly gripping the bandana as if the fabric was giving him strength to continue.

"Then what, Sammy?"

Sam glanced up at his brother. "Then I would let you go," he whispered. "And it would hurt. It would hurt so fucking bad...but I would let you go, Dean. I wouldn't trick you...because I know you would hate that. And I wouldn't let something else possess you...because I know you would really hate that."

Dean lifted his chin at the perceived accusation but said nothing, allowing Sam to finish.

Sam hesitated, his eyes welling with tears. "You're my big brother, Dean. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you," he reminded, like he did back when he had first learned that Dean had sold his soul for him. "Nothing I wouldn't do for you..." he repeated. "...including letting you go if that's what you wanted."

The quiet words packed a punch, and Dean felt momentarily stunned by their power.

His heart pounded as he stared at his little brother, speechless at Sam's bravery and strength, at the sheer depth and width of his love.

Because that was love...letting something go, even if it killed you.

Sam watched his brother watching him.

There was silence.

And more silence.

Sam cleared his throat, winced, swallowed.

Dean pushed the glass of water closer with a pointed look.

Sam nodded and drank...and then broke the silence.

"I'm not saying I wouldn't follow right after you," he admitted about the likelihood of him taking his own life if Dean was gone again. "Because I probably would...and you'd be pissed." Sam laughed as he blinked wet eyelashes. "You'd be so pissed."

Dean nodded his agreement.

"But I'd let you go, Dean," Sam repeated. "I'd let you go if that was what you wanted." He paused, seeming to almost choke on a sob. "After all...I've done it before."

I'm not gonna let you go to hell, Dean!

Yes, you are! Yes, you are...

Dean remembered their words like it was yesterday, remembered how all he wanted was for Sam to just let him go...and Sam did. Although it went against everything inside of him, Sam had let Dean go because that's what Dean had wanted.

The memory was overwhelming.

Dean wasn't quite sure what to say.

He sighed.

"Sam – "

" – I'm sorry," Sam interrupted. "I'm sorry that I hurt you, Dean. But what you did hurt me, too."

Dean nodded at that truth. "I know," he agreed. "And that haunts me every day, Sam. Because you know I'd never hurt you."

"I know you wouldn't," Sam assured, because whatever he doubted in this world, he never doubted that. "But you know how I feel about being possessed," he pointed out. "First Meg...and Lucifer...and..." He shook his head, refusing to list all the times he had been violated. "But you know what really bothers me?"

Dean stared at his brother, afraid to ask.

"All I keep thinking about...is what if Gadreel had killed you instead of Kevin? What if you were dead again because of me? What if I couldn't save you because I was locked away somewhere inside my own body?"

Dean blinked at the questions, because they had never crossed his mind.

"You say we're family," Sam continued. "And we are...of course we are. We're brothers. But everybody knows it and they use it against us, Dean. They know that the quickest way to me is you...and the quickest way to you is me...and I don't want you to die again because of something I did...or didn't do."

Dean felt a mixture of emotions surge through him.

Because yeah, he knew Sam was hurt by what he had done...but he had no idea Sam was carrying all this shit around.

But maybe he should have known.

After all, it was the same fear Sam had always harbored – that something bad would happen to Dean...and it would be Sam's fault.

Maybe that was another reason why Sam said he would let Dean go...because maybe then, they could both finally get peace.

Dean sighed. "Sammy – "

" – like this," Sam blurted, reaching for Dean's arm resting on the table. "What if I can't save you from this?"

Dean narrowed his eyes in confusion and looked down, Sam's fingers hovering over the welted skin on his forearm – the Mark of Cain.

"Sammy..." Dean tried again and pulled away from Sam's grasp. "Don't worry about this, okay? This has nothing to do with you. This is gonna help me kill Abaddon, and that's it."

"No," Sam countered and shook his head. "It's a curse, Dean. Maybe it'll help you kill Abaddon...but that's not where it ends."

Dean arched an eyebrow.

Sam ducked his head. "You're not the only one who's been researching," he admitted, glancing back up at Dean.

Dean felt a warmth spread through his chest, reminded that his little brother loved him.

Because although they had barely mentioned the Mark of Cain, it seemed Sam was still worried about it and trying to find ways to save Dean...even before Dean realized he needed to be saved.

"It's a curse," Sam repeated, his voice quiet...and maybe even a little scared. "Why do you think Cain was by himself?" he asked rhetorically and then answered it anyway. "Because he was cursed to be without his family...and it doesn't end there."

Dean nodded. "I know," he agreed, because he had read the same theories.

He sighed.

Sam did the same.

Dean watched his brother. "Sammy..."

Sam blinked at him.

"I know I shouldn't have lied to you."

"Again," Sam reminded and shook his head. "Dean. After everything you said in the church, I thought we were done with that."

"We are," Dean assured. "We are, Sammy. I didn't want to lie to you. I just...I just didn't know what else to do, man."

Sam nodded, understanding.

After all, he had been in the same position.

Telling lies to protect yourself...but primarily telling them because you thought you were also protecting your brother.

Sam sighed.

Dean cleared his throat, knowing it was his turn to apologize.

"You know, Sammy..." he began. "I was pissed over what you said last night...and what you said last week. And I mean pissed, man. Really fucking pissed and hurt..."

Sam flinched at the words, his eyes freshly misting. "I'm sorry."

Dean nodded. "I know. But you're not the only one who's sorry here, Sam."

Sam tilted his head.

"I'm sorry for what happened," Dean told his brother. "I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry for the choices I made...for what I allowed to happen to you on my watch. And I'm gonna have to live with that. I'm gonna have to live with the fact that I let something hurt you...that hell, I even invited him in and asked him to stay."

Dean could still see that smug sonuvabitch standing in a ring of holy fire and lying his angelic ass off.

Dean's hands fisted on reflex, freshly determined to find Gadreel and end him – not only for what he had done to Kevin...but for what he had done to Sam.

"Don't think that doesn't haunt me every day," Dean continued, staring at his little brother from across the table. "And I'm sorry, Sammy. I'm sorry I allowed that to happen. And I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to let you go. But Sam..."

Dean paused, ducking his head to prevent himself from blurting out what he was about to say...but then he sighed and shrugged.

"Fuck it," Dean whispered, seeming resolved to just say whatever was on his lips.

Sam waited, blinking at Dean at his brother lifted his head and refocused on him.

"I love you, Sammy."

Sam's eyes widened, having always known that...having never really doubted that, no matter how bad things had gotten between them over the years...but having never actually heard Dean say those words since they were kids.

Dean chuckled softly at Sam's shocked expression. "Dude. Don't look at me like that. I might not say it much...or...ever – but I love you, little brother. You're the best part of my life. You always have been. And man...it's hard to give up the best part of your life. It's hard to let that go."

Sam felt his chest and throat tighten, felt his eyes sting.

"So, I can't promise you that I'll let you go if something else happens," Dean confessed, blinking against his own threatening tears. "But I can promise you that I'll try. I will try to let you go, if that's what you want."

Sam shook his head. "I'm not going anywhere," he promised, repeating the words Dean had said to him earlier as they had waited for his lip to stop bleeding.

Dean quirked a smile. "I might hold you to that."

Sam gave a watery smile in return.

"I can also promise you that we're done with lying, Sam. No more of that shit. From here on out...all cards on the table."

Sam nodded. "I'd like that."

"Same here."

"'Cause, Dean...if we're in this, then we're in it together."

"Hell yes," Dean heartily agreed. "You and me against the world. Kickin' ass and takin' names. That's how we do."

Sam snorted as his brother repeated his words from their interview back at Canyon Valley, just with less enthusiasm now that they weren't trying to bullshit their way into a job.

"Dude. That was so over the top when you did that."

Dean arched an eyebrow. "I was over the top?" he countered. "What about that other guy going all Mr. Miyagi?"

Sam laughed.

Dean's smile lingered.

There was a beat of silence – comfortable silence.

"Alright...well...now that we've cared and shared and cried like girls..."

Sam rolled his eyes.

"...I think it's time we eat. 'Cause I'm starving," Dean announced and stood, staring down at Sam. "What d'ya say we finish making breakfast?"

Sam nodded and stood as well. "And after we eat, we do more research and start figuring out what the hell we're gonna do about that."

Dean followed his brother's gaze to the Mark of Cain branded in his forearm and then glanced back at Sam. "Sounds like a plan."

"Well, it's a start..." Sam allowed. "But we need a plan – a good one."

Dean nodded. "We'll have one, Sammy," he assured about figuring out how to handle their latest problem. "But first, I need coffee and bacon...and liquid chicken."

Sam cringed. "Ugh. Dean..."

Dean chuckled, affectionately patting Sam's chest and holding his hand where his brother's tattoo should be. "Oh, and P.S. – we're getting that put back on. I don't like you walking around without it."

Sam wrinkled his nose, remembering the pain from the first time he was inked, but nodded. "Yeah. I've been thinking about that, too."

"Good," Dean replied – the decision made – and knocked his shoulder against Sam's as he crossed back to the stove.

Sam smiled, turning and crossing back to the counter to stand beside his brother and resume cracking the eggs.

Dean reached for the pan of bacon and glanced at Sam, feeling happier than he had in a long time.

Because this was how it was supposed to be between them – natural and easy.

No secrets, no lies.

No quiet resentment, no concealed bitterness.

Just them, together.

Having each other's backs...and loving each other in their own way.

Because there were a million different ways to say, "I love you."

You just had to listen.

END